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  #11  
Old 11-03-2013, 09:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by Misticbleu View Post
I ( the female ) am Misticbleu. Both Mistic and Bleu are mine together. We aren't sharing an account.
Nice to meet you, Misticbleu. Thanks for clearing that up. Since you used only "we" in your OP, I was confused.

Quote:
As we have discussed and already knew how difficult it would be finding that ONE person that would fit into Our already established life and home, we have opened it up for both of us to date separately.
We are not only interested in 3somes ( been there ) and at first would like to keep it the three of us together for sexual encounters since it's all new and we're discovering each other but ultimately our goal is to be separate when the need or want arises for everyone involved. Sexually and for One on One bonding time.
See, I find this all confusing. First you said, upthread, you wanted "another woman in our relationship, our life," now, you say you want to date separately. But you want to start out as a sexual threesome. Well, if you're dating separately, you're still both only looking for someone who will also be interested in your spouse... What if this woman you date is only interested in YOU? Or a woman your husband finds is only interested in HIM? Or a woman goes on one date with you, casually interested, meets your man and bam! Planets collide, choruses sing and she and he find they are soulmates? She's not really interested in you at all, even as a friend, and only has eyes for him, and he's head over heels twitterpated about her, can't help it, even though you're not a part of it at all?

Do you dump any woman either of you meets and likes just because she isn't interested in your spouse? I ask because finding a person who is interested in both members of a couple right off the bat is rare. What is much more likely to happen is, you meet a woman, date her one on one for a while, become fond, she meets your guy, they like each other as friends (maybe, maybe not, but if they do), start to get attracted to each other, decide to act on it. This is the way triads usually develop naturally and organically. There is no guarantee it will happen though.

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He's free as I am to text and email whom we please...
Yes, she would be able to express affection in public, I don't see why not.
Well, some poly people can't be out to everyone they know, as it would cause much family strife or job loss.

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Our 'idea' of what we think would work best for us ( not knowing this other person yet or what they would want) is a Poly-Fi Triad. Are we stuck on that, NO.
Good. So, dating separately, each with their own partner, would satisfy if it were a reality, as opposed to the ideal of both sharing the same gf.

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Can she be a mother, sure. ...
Will she be able to attend functions or family events. Sure. We have discussed this as well. My husband and I are already fairly open with our family. My family knows all to well I live my life how I choose and that's fine with them. I asked my husband about telling his family when we needed too and have a relationship with someone else and he agrees not to keep it a secret. Of course we're not naive in thinking talking about it and the reality of are different, but we'll surely cross that road when we come to it. That being said we have no plans to live in the closet. We don't now.
Also good. You're lucky to be able to be "out."

Quote:
I hope I made it through the fire fairly unscathed...
Thanks again for your advice, direction and pointers
My ex grew up in North Central PA and I've been there dozens of times. I found it to be a pretty conservative area. Do you have much chance of meeting women who would be open to being in a poly relationship, either as a partner of one of you, or both of you?

If not, I suggest joining OK Cupid. I did and found it worked really well for me, not that it was easy finding just the right persons(s), but after much work and perseverance, I did! Good luck!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)

Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-03-2013 at 09:22 PM.
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  #12  
Old 11-03-2013, 10:11 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Agreed, I was a bit confused about "we're dating separately" even though a triad seems to be the ultimate objective. I guess I assumed that if someone clicked with one spouse, they'd then be introduced to the other spouse and *hopefully* all the sparks would then fly roughly equally or something on that order.

Also, "not interested in a threesome," *but,* the plan is to *start out* in a threesome manner and then transition into one-on-one encounters. I think I get it, but admit that the way it was worded confused me at first.

Re: your "date," once he/she meets your spouse, is suddenly all about the spouse and suddenly you're out of the picture ... a sucky possibility that can *definitely* happen, so, emotionally prepare yourself at least.

Personal observation: It seems to me (and I don't know why this is) that it's very common/popular for people to picture "polyamory" as a "central couple" (probably originally monogamous) adding a third and all that. Whereas in practice, polyamory only seldom works out that way (with the "perfect triad"). More often it's, each original partner finds their own new partner, or even more often, a "V" takes shape in which one person has romantic ties with two other people, but the two other people only have a platonic tie with each other. Well, such is what I've seen/experienced so far anyway.

Re: coming out ... always a complicated proposition, the moreso with an "established 'mono' couple" with a "newly-added third." Despite all the original couple's good intentions, they may find coming out about their new partner to be a tough proposition.

Re: OKCupid ... ahh, sigh, that wonderful site that's done so much for so many people who stuck with it and put in the work and perserverance and whatnot. I'm happy for them I really am, but I promise I put a crazy amount of work/patience/dedication into my OKC experience (as much as I do Polyamory.com let's put it that way), and I still just repeatedly bombed until I thought, "You know what? I'd rather put more focus into the poly circle that I already have." I guess my point is that OKC definitely works (duly-earned) miracles for some, but not for all. I guess I could say that if you haven't tried OKC yet: yes you should try it (and work hard/patiently at it).

Probably the best thing about OKC is it has so many poly-friendly options. Definitely can't say that for most dating sites, especially sites with as much membership as OKC has.

Misticbleu, you'll need to figure out (by experience) whatever it is that works best for you (and Drexel). Take all that you have heard on Polyamory.com so far (and in the future), and you'll find that you can compile from it a composite picture that guides you the right way. And that's my wordy take on the whole subject ...
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  #13  
Old 11-04-2013, 01:37 AM
Misticbleu Misticbleu is offline
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Well I thought I made it thru the Ring of Fire.... but I'm back in. Not sure why I feel I'm being attacked or having to clarify.. but I will, since I'm opening up to being on this forum, there's a duty to be a clear as possible I guess???

If I confused you, sorry, that was not my intention Magdlyn. I must admit I am not the best with getting either my point across on here or saying it in the right words nor manner.

Threesome meaning us together for sexual encounters in the beginning IF we find that One person that is attracted to both of us and it works as a Poly-fi Triad.. but we're very open to having us being with her separate as well. I don't want to put confinements on you can't have sex unless we are all three together..
I Do however realize that finding that ONE person for US together as a unit Only searching together for One lady would be hard... nearly impossible I suppose, so we are open to dating people sep. As KDT stated and worded great, we would love to have her find us both appealing... moving forward... being that Triad.. happily ever after...
If that doesn't happen then we will move forward with what does. Am I opposed to him having a gf that doesn't want to bend me over while he's at work? Not entirely and we could def have that chat and cross that bridge probably fairly easy ( without the Ring of Fire ) I hope

I'll admit. We're new to Poly and all it brings with it. We are not new to being open, having the feelings that come with being sexual and perhaps emotional with others. So we're not entirely wet behind the ears, but do realize we have LOTS to learn and are willing to take our lickens and 'hard knocks'.

Much love,
Misticbleu

Not sure if I hit on everything you wrote or asked... if not I'm sorry. XO
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  #14  
Old 11-04-2013, 07:23 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well if I may encourage you to do so, I would say, fear not the Ring of Fire, jump through it calmly and optimistically as doing so will serve as practice and increased familiarity.

To strip away the metaphor, what I kind of mean is that communication is probably the most under-estimated skill any human can have. That is, it would take, like, a million years to master communication, and so, all of us will need to work all our lives on getting better at it.

Sure it's great when communication flows smoothly (e.g. without misunderstandings), but if you hit a bump in that road, just chalk it up to learning experiences and carry on. Most of us assume we speak the same language, and we actually all have our own unique dialect. So, sometimes, developing a smooth understanding with a newly-met person is rocky traveling in the beginning.

This could really turn out to be relevent, because you could meet the woman of your dreams, and find that (drat!) you have a heck of a hard time trying to communicate clearly with her. And misunderstandings will cause hurt feelings at times. So you have to be patient in learning each new person's dialect. It's all good practice for when you (hopefully) meet the perfect lady, and need to be able to communicate with her skillfully.

In my experience, the most common bump in the communication road is assumptions. It's so easy to think, "Well of course the other person knows this is what I mean," but lo and behold, they thought you meant something completely different. So it's really important to get confirmation and make sure the other person understood exactly what you said.

It can be a pain to have to agonize over every word, wondering if it's the right word, or if it will cross the chasm properly to the other person, but it's a necessary part of the process of learning to communicate better.

I apologize if I went overboard with my sermon here, I only meant to encourage you that sometimes the Ring of Fire can be a good thing, and above all please don't feel like you somehow "dropped the ball" if someone needs you to explain something a little more.

It sounds to me like one-on-one sex (just as a threesome) would be okay with you right from the beginning of your relationship with this "hypothetical lady" we've been speaking of?

I am hearing that you have your fond hopes/dreams/fantasies for the future, but that you are cool with being flexible even if a "perfect triad" isn't quite what you end up with. That's a good sign.

And as I said, the most advanced polyamorist/non-monogamist in the world is still a newbie when it comes to communication. We're *all* newbies in that regard. So have patience in your Polyamory.com conversations; we are, after all, such a huge group of complete strangers all "mashed together" in a chaotic mass of diverse expressions and distant perspectives. Truth is, it's amazing we function as a forum as well as we do. It's like picking two strangers off the street and asking them to pose for a picture in some way that suggests they're intimate friends. Sometimes pretty darn awkward at first.

Stick with us, and we'll get all the wrinkles smoothed out, I promise.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #15  
Old 11-04-2013, 09:44 PM
DirtyRunner DirtyRunner is offline
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Welcome! I'm new here as well, and my husband and I are dating a woman, so much of your post resonates with me. Eventually we'd like the relationship to morph into something where we're all together, but things will come with time.
If you haven't already, I'd highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut. It's a great book about polyamory, and while much of it is probably stuff you already know with your prior experience, there are some good points it brings up that might spark some good discussions between you and your spouse. Any tools you can have in your arsenal are good!
I wish you the best! It's a hard search (I TOTALLY agree about OKC- that's where we found our GF, and it's been the most fruitful place in general), but if you find someone, it's well worth the wait. It took us a good 2 years to find our GF, and we all mesh really well in completely different ways, and it's really beautiful.
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  #16  
Old 11-04-2013, 11:45 PM
Misticbleu Misticbleu is offline
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Thank you KDT, you're words bring my comfort and You said them very well and I agree with all of them. Communication is the Biggest thing ever and so many mistakes are made my assumptions and hurt feelings.

The whole threesome thing... What I was meaning was since it was asked of me if we would ever allow each sexual encounters alone with the female, I was saying YES, but I would like it to start out with the three of us together for those encounters, after she's already in our relationship and before moving to that alone time with either of us. Just until we all get comfortable and things are established. I am in no way wanting to control every aspect of this or say you can't have sex with my husband on Tuesdays or Fridays... yada yada.. lol I want it to be open, flowing and natural. Happy Thoughts!

At DirtyRunner - Thank you for your post as well! We are patient.. and will def try out the OKC everyone has talked about I am so glad you and your husband found someone and I hope it continues to grow and be great for all three of you

Love and Happiness,
Misticbleu
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  #17  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:08 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sooo ... threesomes only at first, transitioning to "dyad sex" later on after all three of you are more comfortable with the relationship? (See, I'm having a hard time getting that right too.)

Everything made sense I think, it is good that you are trying to shoot for a poly environment in which everyone doesn't feel constrained by rules, rules, and more rules. Open, flowing, and natural is good. See if you can't make that happen.

Much luck and love wished to you!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #18  
Old 11-06-2013, 10:34 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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IME, threesome sex can be more stressful and the cause of insecurity in early days than later days, it is the wrong way around if it is comfort you want to encourage.
That threesome only (for now) rule (for that IS a rule that the other woman doesn't have a hand in making) is there to prevent a feeling of being left out, by those who fear being left out but trust me, threesomes are not impervious to that feeling. A man only has one penis.

Think about it.
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  #19  
Old 11-06-2013, 03:07 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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Threesome sex first is a big jump for some people. That said, if you start out with the idea that you might just have a threesome with a person and then a relationship forms after that, then threesomes first can be just fine.

As for the idea that 'a man only has one penis', well this entirely neglects the fact that if you are a woman who is into other women, a penis is not the focus of sex. If you are looking for a triad to develop out of a threesome you need to do a lot of work on the same sex couple to start with. In a practical sense, this means NOT letting the penis be the focus of sex.
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  #20  
Old 11-06-2013, 03:36 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peabean View Post
Threesome sex first is a big jump for some people. That said, if you start out with the idea that you might just have a threesome with a person and then a relationship forms after that, then threesomes first can be just fine.
That isn't what the OP is looking for, they are looking to meet a woman they can both date with the rule that there will only be threesome sex at first until everyone is "comfortable".

Quote:
As for the idea that 'a man only has one penis', well this entirely neglects the fact that if you are a woman who is into other women, a penis is not the focus of sex.
Wow?? Really?

Quote:
If you are looking for a triad to develop out of a threesome
They aren't.

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you need to do a lot of work on the same sex couple to start with. In a practical sense, this means NOT letting the penis be the focus of sex.
The penis thing was a for example and there have been plenty of situations where a man has felt left out when women have been really into each other and many a time when one of the women have felt left out too.

In fact people who are experienced in threesome sex in a swinger capacity may feel that it is always like that (i.e. super hot) but there is no way for them to understand how different it is once feelings are engaged.

It is hard work concentrating on two people at once, for example you can only look into one pair of eyes at a time. Threesome sex is like something really rich and sweet, a lovely treat but too much it makes you sick and you feel like you never even want to see another rich cake.
Making a rule that there can only be threesome sex at first is incredibly self destructive to any emotion based relationship.
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