Newbies looking for a triad

Misticbleu

New member
Hello!
Just a little intro and background on us. We are a married m/f couple, been married almost 3 years and together 6. We have two children ages 17 and 13, mine from a previous relationship obviously :)

We have been swingers since meeting but are now searching out more. We have had many, detailed conversations about wht we both want and having another woman in our relationship, our life and what it all means. We're moving forward with the search even though we have no idea where to start!!! We are educated, live in Central PA, just bought a house and love starting projects and renovating things in the house to make it 'ours'.
We like to go out, dance, have some drinks and just let loose. Road trips are FUN! I, the female am more outgoing, funny and crazy.. lol He is more reserved, quiet and a thinker :) The best match!

I'm enjoying the boards here and we are learning lots! Thanks for having this here for Newbies to read and learn!

Peace & Love,

Bleu- me
 
Greetings Bleu,
Welcome to our forum.

Keep looking around on our various threads and boards, see what interests you, and post sometimes with your thoughts, questions, or concerns. At some point you might want to check out our Dating & Friendships subforum.

And just to be safe, invest a bit of time the excellent article on unicorn hunting we often recommend. Just things you should know so that when you find the right woman for you, you'll be able to welcome her into your lives in the most loving way possible.

Sounds like you are a fun couple and a good match. I wish you the very best in your search and learnings.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Best of luck

Wish you the best. However, be warned that you are going to get a LOT of flak. I'm sure you aren't like this, but there are a lot of couples who treat additions to the relationship very poorly.

I'd suggest you read up on some bad experiences from other "unicorns," so as to be able to reassure any potential when she brings up worries and concerns (things like, If the wife/husband gets jealous, will I get kicked out? Will I have to love both equally and at the same rate? Will I be forbidden from having other relationships, especially when ours is still new?).

:)
 
Thank you KDT, we will def have to read up on that and check out the subforum :)
PolyinPractice, thanks for the heads up and advice.. Having been in the 'lifestyle' of swining that is, we are very aware of the flak couples get. Too be honest I'm not all to fond of the term 'unicorn' but understand the mysterical significance of it.

We aren't looking for a 'third' for us or a 'third' wheel. Looking for someone to BE with us in all aspects. I can imagine there are going to be issues, hurt feelings and MANY things we will have to navigate through. Def not naive.

Thanks again for any advice. We welcome it all!!

Much happiness

Misticbleu
 
Welcome.

Most polyamorous people in couples do not dates as a unit, did you know that? Finding a "third" to "share" or "add" hardly ever works out. You 2 have a longstanding relationship. This hypothetical woman would have a big learning curve. You two already have couple privileges in place. History. House. Kids. In-laws, nieces, nephews, etc.

Would she be allowed to date and have sex with each of you separately or only 3somes? Or is one on one bonding time allowed?

Some couples don't even want their third to text or email one of the partners individually.

Would your woman be able to express affection in public with either of you? Would she be able to go to family events, or work parties? Be introduced as your girlfriend?

What if she also has a partner already in place, or another couple? Could you share her with them the way she has to share you with your partner? Or is she expected to be single and then immediately fidelitous?

Can she be a mother? Can she have her own kids, or get pregnant by the man of your unit?

And it goes on... Again, being poly does not mean being a couple that shares one woman.

By the way, it is against our user guidelines for a couple to share an account. The least that is expected is for the poster to identify themselves when posting. Is one of you Mistic and the other Bleu?
 
Be sure to give all the above questions a think ... so as not to stumble into the trap of "privileged original couple plus a 'hot bi babe' to 'complete us.'" Stay right on top of the new person's wants/needs as well.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Here is the ever popular article by David Noble, "So somebody called you a unicorn hunter." A must read for newly poly couples. Wish it had been available back in 1999 when my ex-h and I first made the mistake of getting into poly by searching for our HBB (hot bi babe). Which was a disaster.

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/
 
underdog

Welcome.

Most polyamorous people in couples do not dates as a unit, did you know that? Finding a "third" to "share" or "add" hardly ever works out. You 2 have a longstanding relationship. This hypothetical woman would have a big learning curve. You two already have couple privileges in place. History. House. Kids. In-laws, nieces, nephews, etc.

Would she be allowed to date and have sex with each of you separately or only 3somes? Or is one on one bonding time allowed?

Some couples don't even want their third to text or email one of the partners individually.

Would your woman be able to express affection in public with either of you? Would she be able to go to family events, or work parties? Be introduced as your girlfriend?

What if she also has a partner already in place, or another couple? Could you share her with them the way she has to share you with your partner? Or is she expected to be single and then immediately fidelitous?

Can she be a mother? Can she have her own kids, or get pregnant by the man of your unit?

And it goes on... Again, being poly does not mean being a couple that shares one woman.

By the way, it is against our user guidelines for a couple to share an account. The least that is expected is for the poster to identify themselves when posting. Is one of you Mistic and the other Bleu?


Thanks again for all the advice and since you posted a list of questions... I'm assuming you want me to answer I will try and get to them now. First I would like to say that I ( the female ) am Misticbleu. Both Mistic and Bleu are mine together. We aren't sharing an account.

As we have discussed and already knew how difficult it would be finding that ONE person that would fit into Our already established life and home, we have opened it up for both of us to date separately.
We are not only interested in 3somes ( been there ) and at first would like to keep it the three of us together for sexual encounters since it's all new and we're discovering each other but ultimately our goal is to be separate when the need or want arises for everyone involved. Sexually and for One on One bonding time.
He's free as I am to text and email whom we please.. as long as we communicate what we are doing and to whom. I don't go through his phone and have never felt the need too, nor does he mine.
Yes, she would be able to express affection in public, I don't see why not and would really find it ridiculous to ask her not too. Do I want hands up skirts and tongues down throats while we're shopping in Giant for apples?? Uhhh no, but hugging, holding hands, kissing being affectionate, of course.
Our 'idea' of what we think would work best for us ( not knowing this other person yet or what they would want) is a Poly-Fi Triad. Are we stuck on that, NO.
Can she be a mother, sure. Meaning previous kids. We have two girls 17 and 13 now from my previous relationship. Will she have children with my husband? NO. Do I? NO. He has a genetic connective tissue disorder that we are not willing to chance passing it on. That was an easy question.
We have never thought about Poly as in US sharing a woman. She's not Our Toy nor do we expect her to be or act that way. We've shared woman before... it was purely sexual. That's not what we are looking for currently.
Will she be able to attend functions or family events. Sure. We have discussed this as well. My husband and I are already fairly open with our family. My family knows all to well I live my life how I choose and that's fine with them. I asked my husband about telling his family when we needed too and have a relationship with someone else and he agrees not to keep it a secret. Of course we're not naive in thinking talking about it and the reality of are different, but we'll surely cross that road when we come to it. That being said we have no plans to live in the closet. We don't now.

I hope I made it through the fire fairly unscathed...
Thanks again for your advice, direction and pointers :)

Misticbleu


Misticbleu - bi female
Drexel - my husband
 
Will also say sorry about the confusion on the name. I did not realize in my original post I shortened my name to Bleu when signing giving confusion. The name is Misticbleu... Bleu for short.


Thanks!

Misticbleu
 
Those all sound like pretty good answers to the questions to me. :)

Sounds to me like you have a pretty sensible visual of how the future might be, and are willing to be flexible to the unique needs of the special person you'll hopefully someday soon meet. If there's anything we can do to help with your search or whatever, let us know.

As Magdlyn indicated, often people's "unicorn concerns" stem from their own "school of hard knocks" lessons, and they just want to help ensure you can have an easier/smoother road to travel. But as far as I can tell, you'll probably be fine.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I ( the female ) am Misticbleu. Both Mistic and Bleu are mine together. We aren't sharing an account.

Nice to meet you, Misticbleu. Thanks for clearing that up. Since you used only "we" in your OP, I was confused.

As we have discussed and already knew how difficult it would be finding that ONE person that would fit into Our already established life and home, we have opened it up for both of us to date separately.
We are not only interested in 3somes ( been there ) and at first would like to keep it the three of us together for sexual encounters since it's all new and we're discovering each other but ultimately our goal is to be separate when the need or want arises for everyone involved. Sexually and for One on One bonding time.

See, I find this all confusing. First you said, upthread, you wanted "another woman in our relationship, our life," now, you say you want to date separately. But you want to start out as a sexual threesome. Well, if you're dating separately, you're still both only looking for someone who will also be interested in your spouse... What if this woman you date is only interested in YOU? Or a woman your husband finds is only interested in HIM? Or a woman goes on one date with you, casually interested, meets your man and bam! Planets collide, choruses sing and she and he find they are soulmates? She's not really interested in you at all, even as a friend, and only has eyes for him, and he's head over heels twitterpated about her, can't help it, even though you're not a part of it at all?

Do you dump any woman either of you meets and likes just because she isn't interested in your spouse? I ask because finding a person who is interested in both members of a couple right off the bat is rare. What is much more likely to happen is, you meet a woman, date her one on one for a while, become fond, she meets your guy, they like each other as friends (maybe, maybe not, but if they do), start to get attracted to each other, decide to act on it. This is the way triads usually develop naturally and organically. There is no guarantee it will happen though.

He's free as I am to text and email whom we please...
Yes, she would be able to express affection in public, I don't see why not.

Well, some poly people can't be out to everyone they know, as it would cause much family strife or job loss.

Our 'idea' of what we think would work best for us ( not knowing this other person yet or what they would want) is a Poly-Fi Triad. Are we stuck on that, NO.

Good. So, dating separately, each with their own partner, would satisfy if it were a reality, as opposed to the ideal of both sharing the same gf.

Can she be a mother, sure. ...
Will she be able to attend functions or family events. Sure. We have discussed this as well. My husband and I are already fairly open with our family. My family knows all to well I live my life how I choose and that's fine with them. I asked my husband about telling his family when we needed too and have a relationship with someone else and he agrees not to keep it a secret. Of course we're not naive in thinking talking about it and the reality of are different, but we'll surely cross that road when we come to it. That being said we have no plans to live in the closet. We don't now.

Also good. You're lucky to be able to be "out."

I hope I made it through the fire fairly unscathed...
Thanks again for your advice, direction and pointers :)

My ex grew up in North Central PA and I've been there dozens of times. I found it to be a pretty conservative area. Do you have much chance of meeting women who would be open to being in a poly relationship, either as a partner of one of you, or both of you?

If not, I suggest joining OK Cupid. I did and found it worked really well for me, not that it was easy finding just the right persons(s), but after much work and perseverance, I did! Good luck!
 
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Agreed, I was a bit confused about "we're dating separately" even though a triad seems to be the ultimate objective. I guess I assumed that if someone clicked with one spouse, they'd then be introduced to the other spouse and *hopefully* all the sparks would then fly roughly equally or something on that order.

Also, "not interested in a threesome," *but,* the plan is to *start out* in a threesome manner and then transition into one-on-one encounters. I think I get it, but admit that the way it was worded confused me at first.

Re: your "date," once he/she meets your spouse, is suddenly all about the spouse and suddenly you're out of the picture ... a sucky possibility that can *definitely* happen, so, emotionally prepare yourself at least.

Personal observation: It seems to me (and I don't know why this is) that it's very common/popular for people to picture "polyamory" as a "central couple" (probably originally monogamous) adding a third and all that. Whereas in practice, polyamory only seldom works out that way (with the "perfect triad"). More often it's, each original partner finds their own new partner, or even more often, a "V" takes shape in which one person has romantic ties with two other people, but the two other people only have a platonic tie with each other. Well, such is what I've seen/experienced so far anyway.

Re: coming out ... always a complicated proposition, the moreso with an "established 'mono' couple" with a "newly-added third." Despite all the original couple's good intentions, they may find coming out about their new partner to be a tough proposition.

Re: OKCupid ... ahh, sigh, that wonderful site that's done so much for so many people who stuck with it and put in the work and perserverance and whatnot. I'm happy for them I really am, but I promise I put a crazy amount of work/patience/dedication into my OKC experience (as much as I do Polyamory.com let's put it that way), and I still just repeatedly bombed until I thought, "You know what? I'd rather put more focus into the poly circle that I already have." I guess my point is that OKC definitely works (duly-earned) miracles for some, but not for all. I guess I could say that if you haven't tried OKC yet: yes you should try it (and work hard/patiently at it).

Probably the best thing about OKC is it has so many poly-friendly options. Definitely can't say that for most dating sites, especially sites with as much membership as OKC has.

Misticbleu, you'll need to figure out (by experience) whatever it is that works best for you (and Drexel). Take all that you have heard on Polyamory.com so far (and in the future), and you'll find that you can compile from it a composite picture that guides you the right way. And that's my wordy take on the whole subject ...
 
sighhh

Well I thought I made it thru the Ring of Fire.... but I'm back in. Not sure why I feel I'm being attacked or having to clarify.. but I will, since I'm opening up to being on this forum, there's a duty to be a clear as possible I guess???

If I confused you, sorry, that was not my intention Magdlyn. I must admit I am not the best with getting either my point across on here or saying it in the right words nor manner.

Threesome meaning us together for sexual encounters in the beginning IF we find that One person that is attracted to both of us and it works as a Poly-fi Triad.. but we're very open to having us being with her separate as well. I don't want to put confinements on you can't have sex unless we are all three together..
I Do however realize that finding that ONE person for US together as a unit Only searching together for One lady would be hard... nearly impossible I suppose, so we are open to dating people sep. As KDT stated and worded great, we would love to have her find us both appealing... moving forward... being that Triad.. happily ever after...
If that doesn't happen then we will move forward with what does. Am I opposed to him having a gf that doesn't want to bend me over while he's at work? Not entirely and we could def have that chat and cross that bridge probably fairly easy ( without the Ring of Fire ) I hope :)

I'll admit. We're new to Poly and all it brings with it. We are not new to being open, having the feelings that come with being sexual and perhaps emotional with others. So we're not entirely wet behind the ears, but do realize we have LOTS to learn and are willing to take our lickens and 'hard knocks'.

Much love,
Misticbleu

Not sure if I hit on everything you wrote or asked... if not I'm sorry. XO
 
Well if I may encourage you to do so, I would say, fear not the Ring of Fire, jump through it calmly and optimistically as doing so will serve as practice and increased familiarity.

To strip away the metaphor, what I kind of mean is that communication is probably the most under-estimated skill any human can have. That is, it would take, like, a million years to master communication, and so, all of us will need to work all our lives on getting better at it.

Sure it's great when communication flows smoothly (e.g. without misunderstandings), but if you hit a bump in that road, just chalk it up to learning experiences and carry on. Most of us assume we speak the same language, and we actually all have our own unique dialect. So, sometimes, developing a smooth understanding with a newly-met person is rocky traveling in the beginning.

This could really turn out to be relevent, because you could meet the woman of your dreams, and find that (drat!) you have a heck of a hard time trying to communicate clearly with her. And misunderstandings will cause hurt feelings at times. So you have to be patient in learning each new person's dialect. It's all good practice for when you (hopefully) meet the perfect lady, and need to be able to communicate with her skillfully.

In my experience, the most common bump in the communication road is assumptions. It's so easy to think, "Well of course the other person knows this is what I mean," but lo and behold, they thought you meant something completely different. So it's really important to get confirmation and make sure the other person understood exactly what you said.

It can be a pain to have to agonize over every word, wondering if it's the right word, or if it will cross the chasm properly to the other person, but it's a necessary part of the process of learning to communicate better.

I apologize if I went overboard with my sermon here, I only meant to encourage you that sometimes the Ring of Fire can be a good thing, and above all please don't feel like you somehow "dropped the ball" if someone needs you to explain something a little more.

It sounds to me like one-on-one sex (just as a threesome) would be okay with you right from the beginning of your relationship with this "hypothetical lady" we've been speaking of?

I am hearing that you have your fond hopes/dreams/fantasies for the future, but that you are cool with being flexible even if a "perfect triad" isn't quite what you end up with. That's a good sign.

And as I said, the most advanced polyamorist/non-monogamist in the world is still a newbie when it comes to communication. We're *all* newbies in that regard. So have patience in your Polyamory.com conversations; we are, after all, such a huge group of complete strangers all "mashed together" in a chaotic mass of diverse expressions and distant perspectives. Truth is, it's amazing we function as a forum as well as we do. It's like picking two strangers off the street and asking them to pose for a picture in some way that suggests they're intimate friends. Sometimes pretty darn awkward at first.

Stick with us, and we'll get all the wrinkles smoothed out, I promise.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Welcome! I'm new here as well, and my husband and I are dating a woman, so much of your post resonates with me. Eventually we'd like the relationship to morph into something where we're all together, but things will come with time.
If you haven't already, I'd highly recommend reading The Ethical Slut. It's a great book about polyamory, and while much of it is probably stuff you already know with your prior experience, there are some good points it brings up that might spark some good discussions between you and your spouse. Any tools you can have in your arsenal are good!
I wish you the best! It's a hard search (I TOTALLY agree about OKC- that's where we found our GF, and it's been the most fruitful place in general), but if you find someone, it's well worth the wait. It took us a good 2 years to find our GF, and we all mesh really well in completely different ways, and it's really beautiful.
 
Thank You

Thank you KDT, you're words bring my comfort and You said them very well and I agree with all of them. Communication is the Biggest thing ever and so many mistakes are made my assumptions and hurt feelings.

The whole threesome thing... What I was meaning was since it was asked of me if we would ever allow each sexual encounters alone with the female, I was saying YES, but I would like it to start out with the three of us together for those encounters, after she's already in our relationship and before moving to that alone time with either of us. Just until we all get comfortable and things are established. I am in no way wanting to control every aspect of this or say you can't have sex with my husband on Tuesdays or Fridays... yada yada.. lol I want it to be open, flowing and natural. Happy Thoughts! :)

At DirtyRunner - Thank you for your post as well! We are patient.. and will def try out the OKC everyone has talked about :) I am so glad you and your husband found someone and I hope it continues to grow and be great for all three of you :)

Love and Happiness,
Misticbleu
 
Sooo ... threesomes only at first, transitioning to "dyad sex" later on after all three of you are more comfortable with the relationship? (See, I'm having a hard time getting that right too.)

Everything made sense I think, it is good that you are trying to shoot for a poly environment in which everyone doesn't feel constrained by rules, rules, and more rules. Open, flowing, and natural is good. See if you can't make that happen.

Much luck and love wished to you!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
IME, threesome sex can be more stressful and the cause of insecurity in early days than later days, it is the wrong way around if it is comfort you want to encourage.
That threesome only (for now) rule (for that IS a rule that the other woman doesn't have a hand in making) is there to prevent a feeling of being left out, by those who fear being left out but trust me, threesomes are not impervious to that feeling. A man only has one penis.

Think about it.
 
Threesome sex first is a big jump for some people. That said, if you start out with the idea that you might just have a threesome with a person and then a relationship forms after that, then threesomes first can be just fine.

As for the idea that 'a man only has one penis', well this entirely neglects the fact that if you are a woman who is into other women, a penis is not the focus of sex. If you are looking for a triad to develop out of a threesome you need to do a lot of work on the same sex couple to start with. In a practical sense, this means NOT letting the penis be the focus of sex.
 
Threesome sex first is a big jump for some people. That said, if you start out with the idea that you might just have a threesome with a person and then a relationship forms after that, then threesomes first can be just fine.

That isn't what the OP is looking for, they are looking to meet a woman they can both date with the rule that there will only be threesome sex at first until everyone is "comfortable".

As for the idea that 'a man only has one penis', well this entirely neglects the fact that if you are a woman who is into other women, a penis is not the focus of sex.

Wow?? Really? :eek:

If you are looking for a triad to develop out of a threesome

They aren't.

you need to do a lot of work on the same sex couple to start with. In a practical sense, this means NOT letting the penis be the focus of sex.

The penis thing was a for example and there have been plenty of situations where a man has felt left out when women have been really into each other and many a time when one of the women have felt left out too.

In fact people who are experienced in threesome sex in a swinger capacity may feel that it is always like that (i.e. super hot) but there is no way for them to understand how different it is once feelings are engaged.

It is hard work concentrating on two people at once, for example you can only look into one pair of eyes at a time. Threesome sex is like something really rich and sweet, a lovely treat but too much it makes you sick and you feel like you never even want to see another rich cake.
Making a rule that there can only be threesome sex at first is incredibly self destructive to any emotion based relationship.
 
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