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  #41  
Old 11-22-2013, 04:48 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
...Yes, it's a public board and anyone in the world can read my stuff. But, I still felt slightly violated...
I understand he feels that way - I guess I don't, because I assume people are going to read things on public profiles. I am trying to see it from his point of view.
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This social networking stuff is complicated! We all have to understand how it works and figure out our own comfort levels, and find out our partners' comfort levels. I feel bad your bf is ready to dump you over it. Seems rather impatient of him.
I think it is rather impatient also - not what I expected. I guess I just have to be patient and see what happens.
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  #42  
Old 11-22-2013, 07:29 AM
london london is offline
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This is really all quite straight forward. He simply thinks that she snoopy. She doesnt ask questions, she does Google searches. Now, he is hypersensitive to her snooping and finds it intrusive and somewhat dishonest. It isn't the fact that he doesn't want pictures of his kids on the Internet, he just doesn't want his girlfriend to go online searching for them. It's weird. Why not just ask?
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  #43  
Old 11-25-2013, 02:59 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
More patient maybe. More thinking it all the way out and less going on impulse thoughts -- definitely seems to be in order here.

A domme only exists at the consent of the sub.

If you have entered into D/s agreements with him
  • without thinking things out all the way for yourself
  • without listing what your dealbreakers are
  • without coming to agreement on how to call the domme into account when needed without it messing up your scene (if you scene) or your arrangements (if this is a 24/7 deal)
...then you seem to have given power over you willy nilly to someone without you looking out for your own best interests. You could expect more from you. There could be other things you neglected to cover also.
We did go over dealbreakers, his and mine, and I have thought through things, I know what I want (though it is not exactly what he wants, we considered it similar enough to move forwards and see how it went); we did not previously discuss how to call him into account specifically, though in a recent conversation since all this, he clarified that if I had any issues with him I was to bring them to his attention (respectfully, calmly, without throwing a temper tantrum) so they could be dealt with.

A part of my issue comes from me - the more I try to plan out things and make relationships work the way I want them to, the less likely it is that they actually work that way. So I've been trying the 'let's see what happens' thing. What I haven't found is a balance between being clear about boundaries and desires etc/and not over planning/trying to put the relationship in a box. Part of the issue comes from him. I've mentioned elsewhere - he's very very new at D/s. He came at it from a kinky/switch/play direction, and because I've never had a relationship with a man that wasn't D/s in some manner (and usually more of a 24/7 deal), I sort of fell into acting subbie with him, and he has a bit more dominant tendencies than he thinks (when it works it is GREAT, but, times like this, not so much).

Now, however, last time we talked, he decided he doesn't want to do this (D/s) anymore. So I guess it's a moot point.
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Which comes back to the original question... why do you agree to things that don't serve you well?

What could you do differently to better look out for your long term well being? (NOT the relationship at your expense.)

Having realized you skipped a crucial bit?
  • You could revise your D/s agreements with him to include how to call him into account NOW. Have some boundaries of your own.

The shared agreement is "he will respect your boundaries and you will respect his boundaries."

This is a SHARED agreement, not a just for YOU deal. You know that right? Because a domme only exists at the consent of the sub.

How about "when in doubt, err on the side of caution and safety for my own continued well being?"

Sigh. I mean this kindly ok?

But you could get into bigger trouble here than looking at some pix oneline! You lack self-discpline and seem impulsive and get yourself into things. He seems to lack self-discipline and gets more emotional than this picture hooha seem to merit. All he would need to do is just adjust his own privacy settings online... yet he won't.
I'm wondering if london has an accurate picture of him; that he doesn't actually care about the privacy, more cares that *I* accessed his public information without asking.

The other point is that I do think he and I might benefit from stepping back from the relationship altogether for a little while, and just being friendly, but I am unwilling to risk losing him entirely at this time. I love him; he loves me; but he has this pride thing where if the relationship ends for whatever reason, he will entirely cut off contact, with the sole exception of exes with whom he has children. (So much so that the ex with his youngest child who he broke up with before they knew she was pregnant, took 19 months to track him down.) I am not willing to risk losing him 100% at this time.

It's not that I have low self esteem or something - I have enough other suitors to more than take up the lack, if I needed - it's that I actually really care about him, and don't want to lose him, unless it turns out that NOT being with me is less harmful to him than being with me.
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I wonder if he's the "You can't tell me what to do!" type? That makes him a stellar domme HOW?

At best? He's a sloppy domme and mad that he's not as cool at it as he thought.

At worst? You are in the hands of a sloppy domme and you CAN'T know he won't hurt you intentionally or thoughtlessly. He's sloppy, he loses his temper over minor shit and rails at ya at too high a volume.
He's not a stellar dom. But I love him and want to serve him; I want to show him places he can learn to improve. I am not a stellar sub either, so I feel that I can't judge too harshly here; I want to improve for him also.
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You really want some of that served up when you are in a vulnerable state and he looses his cool? Ack. He can't handle his temper over pix he could block access to, but you are going to believe he can handle himself in topspace?

Please tread very carefully here. Could not scene or continue any 24/7 arrangement until you get clear on your boundaries and determine if this is a player you can be safe playing with.
He ended the D/s side of the relationship.. is still considering whether to end the entirety of the relationship.
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You may WANT to play with him emotionally, but what does your health and well being need to be safe?
I am not sure. I am taking steps backwards as well, because at the least, I know I cannot endure the drama and heartache that was happening for a few days. I am keeping lines of communication open, if he wishes to speak to me, but it's been a few days. We'll see.
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  #44  
Old 11-25-2013, 03:22 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
This is really all quite straight forward. He simply thinks that she snoopy. She doesnt ask questions, she does Google searches. Now, he is hypersensitive to her snooping and finds it intrusive and somewhat dishonest. It isn't the fact that he doesn't want pictures of his kids on the Internet, he just doesn't want his girlfriend to go online searching for them. It's weird. Why not just ask?
Putting aside that I thought I did ask previously if he had other social media profiles (he contends that I didn't, I'm not sure) I don't find someone doing a google search on someone intrusive or dishonest. I thank you for pointing it out; because you're helping me understand his perspective. He DOES see it is a intrusive and dishonest and weird.

I don't understand how I was completely at fault for stumbling on the photos his ex posted. (and you agreed with me there)
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I think the last thing you did was totally innocent and not you snooping.
I did ask; I do ask, and since the gray area was clarified from the okcupid profile debacle, I have been very careful to NOT go looking. I am trying not to be snoopy. It's not that I don't want to ask; I want very much to be very close to him and know all about him, so I do ask him questions all the time.

I also contend that in the beginning of the relationship, considering that he was someone I met off of fetlife (ie social media, with no in-person friends in common), that I was in the right to want to protect myself by getting as much information about him as possible. He did know at the time that I was doing those searches; he has since refused to give me certain bits of information for the very reason that he did not want me tempted to search for more detail in specific areas of his life.

As of now? He considers me as having impinged on a dealbreaker, so yes, it is that important to him. I accept it, I'm willing to work inside his boundaries, I would like to move forward. But he got exasperated that I can't obey every single thing he orders instantly, perfectly.

A lot of the boundaries and rules he has have to do with past pain. I spent some time talking to a friend in the lifestyle; she doesn't know his full history, just a very brief outline. Her take was that he was over-reacting due to past pain/betrayal, and that if I wanted to stay I needed to give him a lot of space to work through it and come to where he can see I'm not the same as some of his exes, or other family members, who really did a number on him.

I had been spending a lot of energy thinking his reaction was not fair, and disproportionate, but she made me think that maybe it is disproportionate, but maybe there's a reason for it. She did emphasize that I need to make sure I'm not putting myself in a place where I could get harmed, like Gala Girl pointed out; but that maybe I could be a little more understanding about his perspective too.
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  #45  
Old 11-25-2013, 03:31 PM
london london is offline
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Yes, from his thread I'd definitely say he's hypersensitive to it for some reason.
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  #46  
Old 11-25-2013, 04:04 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I had something similar happen with my, then rather new, bf. He knew I was on here, polyamory.com, and without telling me, joined the board and did nothing but read my posts, including my blog. I am not sure how much he read, but after a couple weeks, he told me he'd been reading my posts here.

I was really embarrassed because my blog was currently full of my NRE gushings about him.
I had the same thing happen, except it was a private forum, my partner at the time was made a moderator and got access to it and proceeded to read all the private things I wrote, I was horrified.
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  #47  
Old 11-25-2013, 04:11 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Piroska View Post
.

As of now? He considers me as having impinged on a dealbreaker, so yes, it is that important to him. I accept it, I'm willing to work inside his boundaries, I would like to move forward. But he got exasperated that I can't obey every single thing he orders instantly, perfectly.

............ but that maybe I could be a little more understanding about his perspective too.
Sorry, he just sounds like a big sad old drama queen to me and you are letting him get away with acting that badly because you like him, but all that drama? It's just not very sexy is it?
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  #48  
Old 11-26-2013, 05:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He ended the D/s side of the relationship.. is still considering whether to end the entirety of the relationship.
Whether he is doing this from a healthy angle? Or it's the start of the kiss off because you finally put some boundaries down and clarified that you expect to be able to hold him accountable?

Nobody online can tell. You people are the people who are there. You could be alert for his intent/motivations either way.

Quote:
Quote:
You may WANT to play with him emotionally, but what does your health and well being need to be safe?
I am not sure. I am taking steps backwards as well, because at the least, I know I cannot endure the drama and heartache that was happening for a few days. I am keeping lines of communication open, if he wishes to speak to me, but it's been a few days. We'll see.
I suggest you be OK without him and his drama.

Respect your own limits of tolerance. Let me copy what you wrote AGAIN:

Quote:
I know I cannot endure the drama and heartache that was happening for a few days.


Only way for you to not endure drama is to stay away from him.

All this is reasonable --

Quote:
I also contend that in the beginning of the relationship, considering that he was someone I met off of fetlife (ie social media, with no in-person friends in common), that I was in the right to want to protect myself by getting as much information about him as possible. He did know at the time that I was doing those searches; he has since refused to give me certain bits of information for the very reason that he did not want me tempted to search for more detail in specific areas of his life.
You take up with a stranger for D/s play (with no vetting from close friends even) that may put your well being at risk.... of COURSE you want to know more about him! He could understand that and lay out it in the front window rather than blocking communication -- because a Domme exists only at the consent of the sub.

If you risk being with him when he's not willing to be straight up and disclose to you, he's all over the place emotionally, lacks logic, and/or he brings out bad sides of you? He's not a healthy person for you to be around. I'm sorry.

Internet has nothing to do with his willingness to disclose to YOU. That's just how/where he could share some info. The point that he DOESN'T want to disclose in ANY shape, but still wants to Domme you? Meh. You can D/s with less drama-lama people, have a good time, and not be dealing in this crazy.

Tread carefully.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-26-2013 at 10:01 PM.
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  #49  
Old 11-26-2013, 06:40 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Winking out of existence?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
A domme only exists at the consent of the sub.
I think GG and others have given you fine advice. I have nothing to add on that.

But I have to disagree with GalaGirl's statement here. I get the intent behind it - I think. I read that as meaning a D/s relationship only exists as long as the sub wants it to. While this is true, I would amend it to saying that a D/s relationship exists only as long as both partners want it to. This is the ironically fundamentally egalitarian underpinning of D/s relationships.

But the wording makes it seem like the dom winks out of existence the minute the sub withdraws consent. (By the way, I hate the drive to label male (dom) and female (domme) dominants.) A dominant person without a sub is still a dominant. They just don't have a D/s relationship at the moment. A sub without a dominant is still a sub, just currently unpartnered.

Nitpicking over!
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  #50  
Old 11-26-2013, 10:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I would amend it to saying that a D/s relationship exists only as long as both partners want it to.
Yes.
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But the wording makes it seem like the dom winks out of existence the minute the sub withdraws consent
I could see that. Thanks.

I meant the (healthy D/s relationship) in this situation winks out.

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