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  #31  
Old 11-21-2013, 06:30 AM
london london is offline
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Right, I do think he is being a tad hypersensitive to what could actually happen from a Google search, but he did lay the boundary. I think the last thing you did was totally innocent and not you snooping. If something like that happens again, don't tell him, it isn't you snooping. But if you do the type of research you did before, that is a clear boundary violation. However, because he is wary of you from last time, you'll never be able to explain the difference.
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  #32  
Old 11-21-2013, 06:32 AM
london london is offline
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I loved one of your writings so you can see who I am.
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  #33  
Old 11-21-2013, 06:41 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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I loved one of your writings so you can see who I am.
I saw that, thanks.
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  #34  
Old 11-21-2013, 06:47 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Right, I do think he is being a tad hypersensitive to what could actually happen from a Google search, but he did lay the boundary. I think the last thing you did was totally innocent and not you snooping. If something like that happens again, don't tell him, it isn't you snooping. But if you do the type of research you did before, that is a clear boundary violation. However, because he is wary of you from last time, you'll never be able to explain the difference.
Well, thanks for the support. Like you said, though, he's wary, I'll never be able to explain the difference if anything happens again. Or even this time. So - it's precarious.
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  #35  
Old 11-21-2013, 07:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I don't think you quite got my drift so let me try again...

Quote:
Quote:
If he's not helping you and him to meet new agreements and you are not helping you and him to meet new agreements in this transitional time while you and him are reviewing your individual digital things -- why do make these agreements?
We made the agreements so he would feel more comfortable, and I guess I'm not used to them yet. I have been very careful not to go looking for stuff. I did not think I'd encounter it randomly like this, so my clicky fingers got there before my brain remembered to stop. 'Photo of baby? So adorable!!! must look at! aww.... oh wait. oops. my bad.'
I know you are not used to them yet. You are in a a transition space.

I was talking about HIM owning his behavior and HIM acknowledging that "change" is not instant like the flick of a light switch. It takes TIME. What is HE doing to help him feel more comfortable?

To get mad at YOU because HIS KID MOM puts things of their kids out there? Makes no sense.
  • To stop YOU from seeing it, he could unlink you.
  • To stop kid pix being "out there" and accessible through him, he could ask the kid mom to stop posting them and/or he could unlink from her to cut down access. (Since he can ask, but he cannot control what she posts.)

You can do things from your side of it too. And thus be YOU helping to meet agreements.

But he's not seeming to help himself to be more comfortable or help his partner (you) to meet agreements. He's just sitting there complaining!

This is a SHARED agreement, right? He's expected to hold up his end of it? Or is it all you to carry alone? Only you are held accountable to this and you can expect no help from him in meeting the agreement?

If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?

This stuff doesn't seem like horrible or unusual behavior to me:
  • You could look at your google/gmail stuff. It's your stuff.
  • You can look at anyone you link to. They accepted your invite to link up.
  • Anyone they are linked to that is public access? You are free to cruise. They are responsible for what data they put up that isn't secure.

The part I found impulsive is this part of the story...
  • You realizing that he prob would not like that.
  • You stopped, hopefully unlinked to meet your new agreement.
  • Then you went to blurt at him what you did.

This is the part I found impulsive. Blurting and not taking time to think out HOW you say it to him.

I don't know if you were hoping for kudos for meeting the new agreement or what. But when you know he does not currently own his behavior and recently triggered, is it a realistic expectation that being blurted at could cause him to retrigger? Probably. I'm not saying to never tell him... just could pick your TIMING better and HOW you express yourself better. In this case blurting did not seem to serve you well, since it spawned a fresh hooha with the triggery dude.

Both partners here could help each other with their stuff so both partners can honor this new agreement rather than bickering some more at each other.

That's the impulsive behavior I am suggesting you could work on. Could stop to think over several options out all the way first, and THEN pick which suits the circumstances best. Not just going with first thought, first action.

If these things are THAT important to him he could take more care. He seems to expect other people to guard his information while he doesn't seem to do anything about it himself at this time. That's what you are dealing with here and we could ask "why does he expect that?" til the cows come home... or you could accept he's this way right now. Who knows what he needs to change this expectation that isn't serving him well? Only him.

But you being blurty on impulse does not seem to ADD to his odds of success in revising his expectations of himself and his behavior so.... could not blurt. That's all I'm saying. You could have come here for a pat on the back for staying inside the new agreement and backing off when you realized you might be entering grey area. Rather than looking for a pat on the back from him at this time (and risk him triggering.)

Hope that clarifies a bit. I do hope you guys work it through and arrive at a better way in time. Hang in there. Changes take time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-21-2013 at 01:17 PM.
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  #36  
Old 11-21-2013, 12:56 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Piroska View Post

Of course, when you are a free user on OKC, when you look at someone's profile, it lets them know. I knew he'd see that I saw it. His reaction when he got the notification was not what I expected - he completely flipped out. He saw it as an invasion of privacy, because I hadn't asked him about an OKC profile, because I'd googled his username. He said it was a double standard that I wanted to keep my privacy but that I violated his.
.
He shouldn't be on the internet with poorly setup security settings if he has any sense of privacy.

You have your privacy set, he doesn't.. maybe show him how to lock it down.

Never, including you, have an expectation of privacy when on the web. Someone can always find something. Its an unfortunate truth of existing on the web.

I know I don't answer the emotional question.. but my answer is implied in my opinion about the internet. Not to mention my immediate head goes "red flag" for this kind of stuff. While I am not nosey, someone telling me not to do something that actually won't hurt anyone, is like a red button. What the heck is he hiding.. NDA, other partners etc. Not a fan of the rule both logically or emotionally.

Read some of your other posts, sounds like it was a deal breaker. Sorry to hear that, but its a deal he shouldn't "need" and you shouldn't "need" to follow.
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  #37  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:51 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I had something similar happen with my, then rather new, bf. He knew I was on here, polyamory.com, and without telling me, joined the board and did nothing but read my posts, including my blog. I am not sure how much he read, but after a couple weeks, he told me he'd been reading my posts here.

I was really embarrassed because my blog was currently full of my NRE gushings about him. He assumed I'd known he had signed on here, because he had visited my profile here, and he was listed as having recently visited it. But I never look at my profile here, so I had no idea.

Yes, it's a public board and anyone in the world can read my stuff. But, I still felt slightly violated. I have an understanding with my gf that we never read each other's texts, IMs, emails, unless invited. She knows I use this board to vent and work out issues and would never read here. She considers it MY community, and lets me have it as personal space.

Anyway, I don't think Ginger ever really got why I was so embarrassed, but he's a nice guy and agreed to stop reading here.

This social networking stuff is complicated! We all have to understand how it works and figure out our own comfort levels, and find out our partners' comfort levels. I feel bad your bf is ready to dump you over it. Seems rather impatient of him.
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  #38  
Old 11-22-2013, 04:26 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I don't think you quite got my drift so let me try again...

I know you are not used to them yet. You are in a a transition space.

I was talking about HIM owning his behavior and HIM acknowledging that "change" is not instant like the flick of a light switch. It takes TIME. What is HE doing to help him feel more comfortable?
This was really helpful - I feel a lot of times that some people in D/s relationships look down at others who can't flick the switch - the ones who say things like 'you agreed, just obey!' as if it really were that easy. It helps to be reminded that I'm not a lost cause because I can't do that.
Quote:
To get mad at YOU because HIS KID MOM puts things of their kids out there? Makes no sense.
I agree.
Quote:
  • To stop YOU from seeing it, he could unlink you.
  • To stop kid pix being "out there" and accessible through him, he could ask the kid mom to stop posting them and/or he could unlink from her to cut down access. (Since he can ask, but he cannot control what she posts.)
This makes sense. I agree.
Quote:
You can do things from your side of it too. And thus be YOU helping to meet agreements.

But he's not seeming to help himself to be more comfortable or help his partner (you) to meet agreements. He's just sitting there complaining!

This is a SHARED agreement, right? He's expected to hold up his end of it? Or is it all you to carry alone? Only you are held accountable to this and you can expect no help from him in meeting the agreement?
I don't think he thinks of it as a shared agreement. This is a good point. I think he thinks of it as a boundary that he has laid out, and that I am not to cross, regardless. So he is putting it all on me. But, if he wants the obedience that comes with being on the D side of the slash, he needs to do what he can to make it easier to obey, rather than me being set up for failure.
Quote:
If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?
Because it's a lot easier if things are my fault? I know it goes way off topic, but I've never figured out how things are "supposed" to work when the D type is the one that needs reprimanded.
Quote:
This stuff doesn't seem like horrible or unusual behavior to me:
  • You could look at your google/gmail stuff. It's your stuff.
  • You can look at anyone you link to. They accepted your invite to link up.
  • Anyone they are linked to that is public access? You are free to cruise. They are responsible for what data they put up that isn't secure.
This list makes sense to me. He does not agree.
Quote:
The part I found impulsive is this part of the story...
  • You realizing that he prob would not like that.
  • You stopped, hopefully unlinked to meet your new agreement.
  • Then you went to blurt at him what you did.

This is the part I found impulsive. Blurting and not taking time to think out HOW you say it to him.
Interesting.
Quote:
I don't know if you were hoping for kudos for meeting the new agreement or what. But when you know he does not currently own his behavior and recently triggered, is it a realistic expectation that being blurted at could cause him to retrigger? Probably. I'm not saying to never tell him... just could pick your TIMING better and HOW you express yourself better. In this case blurting did not seem to serve you well, since it spawned a fresh hooha with the triggery dude.

Both partners here could help each other with their stuff so both partners can honor this new agreement rather than bickering some more at each other.

That's the impulsive behavior I am suggesting you could work on. Could stop to think over several options out all the way first, and THEN pick which suits the circumstances best. Not just going with first thought, first action.
I was expecting a slap on the wrist. A reminder to not do that, and an acknowledgement that he should talk to her if he doesn't want it out there publicly. He's big big big on honesty from me, so it's true, I wasn't thinking of anything except realizing he'd not be happy, and I thought telling him would result in getting scolded and moving on. I did want to ask him about some of the photos too, but I feel I can't even bring them up now. I did not think it was going to explode in my face. But - I know he has some very specific triggers I've been careful about, and I guess I need to add this to the list. Not something I expected, at all. So for future, need to take more time, think, be more careful. I suppose it's good we talk in text form - I have more time to think than if we were talking voice.
Quote:
If these things are THAT important to him he could take more care. He seems to expect other people to guard his information while he doesn't seem to do anything about it himself at this time. That's what you are dealing with here and we could ask "why does he expect that?" til the cows come home... or you could accept he's this way right now. Who knows what he needs to change this expectation that isn't serving him well? Only him.
I do not understand him not taking more care of the information; and if he doesn't care about strangers seeing it, why in hell does he care if I see it? But you are right, I can acknowledge that this is how he is right now. And if I want to be with him, I deal with him as he is.
Quote:
But you being blurty on impulse does not seem to ADD to his odds of success in revising his expectations of himself and his behavior so.... could not blurt. That's all I'm saying. You could have come here for a pat on the back for staying inside the new agreement and backing off when you realized you might be entering grey area. Rather than looking for a pat on the back from him at this time (and risk him triggering.)
Heh, and here I thought lurking would be most of what I'd need to do on this forum. Delving into all this is kinda yucky. But, I think it's helping.
Quote:
Hope that clarifies a bit. I do hope you guys work it through and arrive at a better way in time. Hang in there. Changes take time.
Thanks. I need to be patient.
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  #39  
Old 11-22-2013, 04:44 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
He shouldn't be on the internet with poorly setup security settings if he has any sense of privacy.
I agree
Quote:
You have your privacy set, he doesn't.. maybe show him how to lock it down.
I brought it up nicely before we had the argument that inspired the first post in this thread. He did not agree with my precautions, nor methods. So that's a non starter.
Quote:
Never, including you, have an expectation of privacy when on the web. Someone can always find something. Its an unfortunate truth of existing on the web.
This is true. Which is why I try not to have unreasonable expectations - and merely try to keep things reasonably separated such that it would take some effort to put the pieces together, and assume most people aren't going to have the time or skill or interest to try to actually put it all together.
Quote:
I know I don't answer the emotional question.. but my answer is implied in my opinion about the internet. Not to mention my immediate head goes "red flag" for this kind of stuff. While I am not nosey, someone telling me not to do something that actually won't hurt anyone, is like a red button. What the heck is he hiding.. NDA, other partners etc. Not a fan of the rule both logically or emotionally.
What does NDA mean? is it like DADT? You mention red flags - this is my biggest issue right now. I want so badly to believe that everything he's telling me is absolutely true, but the spikes of fury over something that it seems like anyone at all could see - public OKCupid profile? publicly shared photos of his kid? etc... plus some other pieces of info he's withheld on purpose... just bothers the hell out of me. I cannot for the life of me figure out if I'm overreacting (it wouldn't be the first time) or if these are really warning signs.
Quote:
Read some of your other posts, sounds like it was a deal breaker. Sorry to hear that, but its a deal he shouldn't "need" and you shouldn't "need" to follow.
It "impinged on a dealbreaker"... and he says that most of him wants to just say "done" now, but a small part of him says "not yet"... so he'll give me another chance, but if I cross the line again, even inadvertently, "there won't even be a goodbye" which I HATE. Not even tell me? Just cut off communication? So I feel like I need to withdraw, myself, because I'm in a minefield. Who knows where info about his kids might be posted? I've discovered one ex posts photos publicly! What about the other? So even if I don't go looking for something I could run into it. And then what?

It would probably save me some heartache if I cut my losses now, but I don't want to do it because I really care about him, and I believe he really cares about me. I feel like there's a chance we could work out. Maybe that's just my wishful thinking talking.
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  #40  
Old 11-22-2013, 04:48 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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More patient maybe. More thinking it all the way out and less going on impulse thoughts -- definitely seems to be in order here.

Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Galagirl
If so... That wouldn't serve you well -- why agree to things that don't serve you well?
Because it's a lot easier if things are my fault? I know it goes way off topic, but I've never figured out how things are "supposed" to work when the D type is the one that needs reprimanded.

A domme only exists at the consent of the sub.


If you have entered into D/s agreements with him
  • without thinking things out all the way for yourself
  • without listing what your dealbreakers are
  • without coming to agreement on how to call the domme into account when needed without it messing up your scene (if you scene) or your arrangements (if this is a 24/7 deal)

...then you seem to have given power over you willy nilly to someone without you looking out for your own best interests. You could expect more from you. There could be other things you neglected to cover also.

Which comes back to the original question... why do you agree to things that don't serve you well?

What could you do differently to better look out for your long term well being? (NOT the relationship at your expense.)

Having realized you skipped a crucial bit?
  • You could revise your D/s agreements with him to include how to call him into account NOW. Have some boundaries of your own.

The shared agreement is "he will respect your boundaries and you will respect his boundaries."

This is a SHARED agreement, not a just for YOU deal. You know that right? Because a domme only exists at the consent of the sub.

Quote:
I want so badly to believe that everything he's telling me is absolutely true, but the spikes of fury over something that it seems like anyone at all could see - public OKCupid profile? publicly shared photos of his kid? etc... plus some other pieces of info he's withheld on purpose... just bothers the hell out of me. I cannot for the life of me figure out if I'm overreacting (it wouldn't be the first time) or if these are really warning signs.
How about "when in doubt, err on the side of caution and safety for my own continued well being?"

Sigh. I mean this kindly ok?

But you could get into bigger trouble here than looking at some pix oneline! You lack self-discpline and seem impulsive and get yourself into things. He seems to lack self-discipline and gets more emotional than this picture hooha seem to merit. All he would need to do is just adjust his own privacy settings online... yet he won't.

I wonder if he's the "You can't tell me what to do!" type? That makes him a stellar domme HOW?

At best? He's a sloppy domme and mad that he's not as cool at it as he thought.

At worst? You are in the hands of a sloppy domme and you CAN'T know he won't hurt you intentionally or thoughtlessly. He's sloppy, he loses his temper over minor shit and rails at ya at too high a volume.

You really want some of that served up when you are in a vulnerable state and he looses his cool? Ack. He can't handle his temper over pix he could block access to, but you are going to believe he can handle himself in topspace?

Please tread very carefully here. Could not scene or continue any 24/7 arrangement until you get clear on your boundaries and determine if this is a player you can be safe playing with.

You may WANT to play with him emotionally, but what does your health and well being need to be safe?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-22-2013 at 05:14 AM.
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