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  #21  
Old 11-20-2013, 10:11 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
You guys should get whatsapp.
Alright, london. What's whatsapp?

And hey. at least someone is being entertained here.
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  #22  
Old 11-20-2013, 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
I don't know, doesn't seem like you went actively searching and what you did was probably something most would do in that situation. If he's that paranoid about you seeing stuff about his children then it's up to him to protect that information.
This is the way I see it too.

He obviously does not see it that way. He sees it as a really horrible thing to do, and he's torn. He's mad enough that he thinks he should dump me. He's asking questions on fetlife that make it sound like I outed him to his kids.

I am frustrated. Not sure if I should go on the thread and clarify what we're actually talking about or just fucking give up on this whole drama fest.
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  #23  
Old 11-20-2013, 10:41 PM
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I found whatsapp - I think it only works on phones though? I am always on a laptop. Otherwise we'd use kik or something.
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  #24  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:19 AM
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Well, we're going to try to work through the drama fest. But I have to reduce my engagement a little, for my own sanity. This hurts.
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  #25  
Old 11-21-2013, 04:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm glad you will work through the drama and you are stepping back some. Could not go on the fetlife thread to defend -- just deal with him direct. You have enough going on without more people in it.

You could have told him "Hey, since we have new boundaries I wanted to let you know to remember to check your gmail/googleplus. I rarely use it but I wanted you to know I turned my link to you off on my end. I also want you to be aware that by clicking on you, people can link to your kids mom stuff, and there see pix of the kids. So if that bothers you, you could review your Gmail/Google settings not just to me but others."

Then he can choose to unlink the mom and/or talk to her about the kids online presence.

Again, if he is this nervy about this digital information, he could not link to you. Totally makes it a non-issue. Do HIS side of the job so he can feel about about his digital prescence/connections online.

Alternately you could have disconnected from him in your gmail/google things and keep your end of the deal. Told him you disconnect there to honor your agreements.

And in noticing that he has loose things flapping out there from connecting to other people? Could NOT tell him that bit at this time. Could remind him to check his gmail/google at some other time later down when the recent hooha isn't so fresh so he doesn't retrigger. And at THAT time, let him choose to deal with it or not. Wouldn't kill anyone to hold off on the reminder for a few weeks.

He seems to have a problem owning that what he connects to is HIS BEHAVIOR. And he can control his behavior.

But in your behavior -- you seem to be very impulsive. I think stepping back and learning to not plunge ahead with whatever it is RIGHT NOW could be a good thing.

If he's not helping (you and him) to meet new agreements and you are not helping (you and him) to meet new agreements in this transitional time while (you and him) are reviewing your individual digital things and personal behaviors -- why make these agreements?

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-21-2013 at 06:58 AM.
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  #26  
Old 11-21-2013, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'm glad you will work through the drama and you are stepping back some. Could not go on the fetlife thread to defend -- just deal with him direct. You have enough going on without more people in it.
Yeah. I'm staying out of it. It was hard for a while because the way he worded it (to me) sounded a lot worse than I thought it was, and the consensus was to dump me for disrespect/boundary crossing. Messing with his kids in any way shape or form is his biggest dealbreaker - and apparently viewing photos that he has not specifically sent to me impinges on that.
Quote:
You could have told him "Hey, since we have new boundaries I wanted to let you know to remember to check your gmail/googleplus. I rarely use it but I wanted you to know I turned my link to you off on my end. I also want you to be aware that by clicking on you, people can link to your kids mom stuff, and there see pix of the kids. So if that bothers you, you could review your Gmail/Google tsettings not just to me but others."
I didn't think of saying that first. You're right on the impulsiveness (below). I just clicked, and when I realized it he wouldn't be happy I told him, closed the tab and took him out of my circles.
Quote:
Then he can choose to unlink the mom and/or talk to her about the kids online presence.

Again, if he is this nervy about this digital information, he could not link to you. Totally makes it a non-issue. Do HIS side of the job so he can feel about about his digital prescence/connections online.
I do not understand why he does not understand this part. I keep my kids' stuff separate for this very reason.
Quote:
If he's not helping you and him to meet new agreements and you are not helping you and him to meet new agreements in this transitional time while you and him are reviewing your individual digital things -- why do make these agreements?
We made the agreements so he would feel more comfortable, and I guess I'm not used to them yet. I have been very careful not to go looking for stuff. I did not think I'd encounter it randomly like this, so my clicky fingers got there before my brain remembered to stop. 'Photo of baby? So adorable!!! must look at! aww.... oh wait. oops. my bad.'
Quote:
Alternately you could have disconnected from him in your gmail/google things and keep your end of the deal. Told him you disconnect there to honor your agreements.
I have taken him out of my circles now. I did not stop and think to do so before I looked - ergo, the damage is already done.
Quote:
And in noticing that he has loose things flapping out there from connecting to other people? Could NOT tell him that bit at this time. Could remind him to check his gmail/google at some other time later down when the recent hooha isn't so fresh so he doesn't retrigger. And at THAT time, let him choose to deal with it or not. Wouldn't kill anyone to hold off on the reminder for a few weeks.
Yeah. I don't think I specified exactly, but she has all her photos set to 'public', not friends only (or whatever the equivalent setting is on google+). So maybe good to remind him to talk to her at a later date.
Quote:
He seems to have a problem owning that what he connects to is HIS BEHAVIOR. And he can control his behavior.
Yeah.
Quote:
But in your behavior -- you seem to be very impulsive. I think stepping back and learning to not plunge ahead with whatever it is RIGHT NOW could be a good thing.
This is true. It's also likely to be the death of this relationship - he's told me that one more instance of boundary crossing/trust breaking - intentional or not - and we're through. (Three strikes?) So not only am I trying to be less impulsive, I'm backing up in this relationship a little, cause, I'm not perfect, and I'll probably fuck something else up, and if this hurts this much - how much more is it going to hurt later? He said it was only a tiny part of him that said 'not yet' to ending it, the majority of him was saying 'done'. But he's going with the minority, because I was honest with him.
Quote:
Hang in there.
Galagirl
Thanks.
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  #27  
Old 11-21-2013, 05:54 AM
london london is offline
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Again, I think that he finds her snoopy and doesn't like it.
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  #28  
Old 11-21-2013, 05:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Again, I think that he finds her snoopy and doesn't like it.
I think you're right. So I'm probably getting dumped soon.
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  #29  
Old 11-21-2013, 06:00 AM
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What group is the Fet discussion in. I would like to see his point of view. You know, my mum is a bit like that. She will say "well, I needed a lighter, and even though there was no reason to think one would be in that box under your bed, I checked anyway and I saw some private stuff of yours." She just doesn't get it.
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  #30  
Old 11-21-2013, 06:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
What group is the Fet discussion in. I would like to see his point of view. You know, my mum is a bit like that. She will say "well, I needed a lighter, and even though there was no reason to think one would be in that box under your bed, I checked anyway and I saw some private stuff of yours." She just doesn't get it.
"ask a female a question without being made to feel like a jerk for asking! (including penis questions)"

hasn't had any answers in a few hours so it's on the second page. He doesn't go into a lot of detail.

I hope I'm not that bad (as your mum). I don't go looking in things that are put away (online or off). But if stuff is out on the public internet (or public real space)? I have more trouble understanding the wrongness in looking.
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