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  #11  
Old 10-30-2013, 01:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Worse! You have children in the home!

I don't know how to say this better but I mean it kindly ok?

Is that why the parents and the GF were having issues at the parents' house? They expect a 24 year old adult to contribute the household in some fashion -- rent, chores, etc? Now you get a moochy GF on your couch instead?

How is living beyond your means wonderful for the children to observe and learn? (And I don't just mean financial health means -- I mean all the dimensions of wellness. Mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, social health, environmental health, financial health, and occupational health. You certainly have been pinging in serveral of those.)

How wife's behavior wonderful for the marriage's recently improved finances after your brother's problems? To take on a NEW uncertainty without consulting spouse?

How's wife's behavior wonderful for your marriage?
  • Moving in GF without checking if you are on board?
  • Not spending time with you?

How's wife's behavior wonderful for the triad she wants to build so much?
  • How does this inspire you to participate in triad polyship with 2 partners that put their want to live together ahead of your needs and the kids' needs?

Your wife (and gf) are seriously trespassing your limits, dude.

That's all KINDS of being fresh.

How is ANY of this demonstrating loving/kind/considerate behavior towards you?

I am concerned your wife is in lala land -- head over heels with GF and not thinking straight. Is that possible?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-30-2013 at 10:31 PM.
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  #12  
Old 10-30-2013, 02:16 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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Galagirl ur great.

I think I have a tendency to let people run over me a bit. Take advantage of me. At least in my personal life, not so much with my business.

When my brother moved in we just begin getting our credit bills paid, We had been in our house about a year and our goal was to get them out of the way and to build saving ect. My brother put us behind on all of that and I see that could happen again. We have a financial plan and I want to stick to it. We have extra money (no credit card bills) now and I make more than I did them but I dont want to see us go back to where we where. My brother did give us some money when he lived with us, but not much.

Anyway, I dont know what happened between gf and her parents, Never really go into it. I did ask and got its complicated type of answer and never really pushed for more answers.


I do think wife is in the nre stage agian, It happened at first and It may have been reinvigorated when she moved in. I think my wife has a vision of how she wants thing to be and I just dont see it happening. She wants us all to live happily ever after, but this is reality and a fairy tale is just a fairy tale. Time to come back to reality and figure out what we all want and go from there.
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  #13  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:07 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If you want your wife to have a wake-up call, you could show her this thread later when you talk to her.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #14  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Time to come back to reality and figure out what we all want and go from there.
I certainly hope you get YOUR hope above and arrive at a conclusion you all can accept.

But it seems they weren't playing (3 people polyship) before, so I'm not sure how willing or able they are to play it now. Sigh. I hope for your sake this was temporary lapses in judgement caused by whatever made the GF move out in a panic. And that they needed 2 weeks to recover form whatever the heck happened emotionally. And now they are both willing and able to talk it out with you like rational people.

Quote:
Anyway, I dont know what happened between gf and her parents, Never really go into it. I did ask and got its complicated type of answer and never really pushed for more answers.
You could ask for more answer than "its complicated." So what if it is? You are an adult. You can handle it. Does wife even know? If so, why isn't wife sharing the reason?

Could maybe say something like this to both:
"I am sorry if it is complicated and hard for you to talk about. You could write it out if you prefer.

GF -- I still expect an explanation of what went on to cause you to leave your family home in this manner and plop into my home like this without asking for my input.

Wife -- I still expect an explanation of what went on to cause you plop an unnounced guest in our home like this without asking for my input.

And why these explanations from each of you could compel me forgive you both for not asking me and including me. You made big decisions that affect all of us without asking me. We are not in right relationship. That needs to be restored.

And why these explanations could compel me to offer you more hospitality longer than the 2 weeks I've already given. My household is topsy turvy and I have increasing financial worries. It is not fair to keep me in the dark and it is not fair to make major life choices without me. Witholding information is called "lies of omission." Let's not have that."
If neither wife nor GF want to give you the backstory? Then you basically are still at
  • TO GF -- "I have given you hospitality for 2 weeks. You will not disclose why this occurred. I have no reason to keep going beyond my limit. So you have outstayed your welcome. Please leave."
  • TO WIFE -- "I do not like you plopping long term guests in our shared home without consulting me or if an emergency situation explaining what the emergency even was. I do not like you trying to move permanent people in to our shared home without consulting me. This is creating disturbances in our household and in our financial plans. Please do not do this again. Please ask your guest to leave. I already have."
  • TO BOTH -- "I do not appreciate both of you making decisions for the polyship without consulting me. Please do not do this again. My willingness to participate in polyship will change if my goodwill keeps being taken for granted."

If this is your wife's hope:
Quote:
She wants us all to live happily ever after
You could ask your wife how her behavior of moving her GF into the family home without asking for her spouse's consent and blessing...
  • ADDS to the odds that this hope will actually come to pass?
  • TAKES AWAY from the odds that this hope will actually come to pass?


You could expect yourself to be more assertive in your personal life.

You could expect your wife to take more responsibility over her actions.

You could all expect that in polyship, what each person does affects all the other people to varying degrees.

You could expect wife and GF to treat you better than this.

You could expect both wife and GF to communicate up front, clearly and not leave bits out.

You and wife could expect to act not just for self interests in polyship but for your minor children interests. You choose to polyship, they go along for the ride.

I am sorry if you are having poly hell stuff. Maybe looking that over is useful as you navigate conflict resolution.

I hope your talk tonight does go well. I hope you stand firm on clearly stating your wants, needs, and limits that are not being met here in this situation and what you would like to see happen so that you can all return to right relationship with each other. I hope you ask for clear statements from wife as to her wants, needs, limits. What GF has as her wants, needs, limits.

See what lines up and what does not and what can bend and what is a deal breaker. Sort it out. If you need help to have this talk, get someone to help.

And determine how you all want to be as exes if the only outcome can be "end the polyship" because nothing lines up.

You do not have to keep participating in something that is causing you life upheaval and pushing you beyond limit. Either polyship or marriage.

It might be hard to FEEL, but it what it is, dude:
  • Behavior done/not done.
  • Needs met/not met.
  • Limits respected/not respected.

I'm very sorry you are dealing in this.

But sort it out and enough with the shenanigans. This is no way to be.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-31-2013 at 01:16 AM.
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  #15  
Old 10-30-2013, 10:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hmmm... why do I have the feeling your wife and her gf planned this in secret? They seem so much in cahoots with each other while you were kept in the dark and are just getting info piecemeal when you ask for it. Something's fishy here IMHO.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #16  
Old 10-30-2013, 11:06 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I completely agree with what others have said. A friend of mine takes in "strays" quite often (both 2 and 4 legged ). The 2 legged strays are expected to "work" for their room and board, by doing all the cleaning, laundry, kitchen, bathrooms, dust, vacuum and general picking up. This situation is just ridiculous.

Now I haven't yet figured out how to easily disable all the electrical outlets in my house yet (bar turning off the breakers and pad locking the box), but most modern TVs and most cable/satellite services have "parental controls" that can be programed required to need a password during certain times of the day or for certain programming. My husband even figured out how to disable our wireless router during certain times of the day, so the kids didn't have internet access. Yes, I have teenagers

However, a discussion with the help of a marriage/family counselor might be a bit more productive.
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  #17  
Old 10-31-2013, 01:07 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I help pay the mortgage in my home, and I wish my husband would move anybody in without talking to me first. Hell would rise and be on earth.
I don't help pay the mortgage on my house-and this wouldn't fly.

I see two HUGE problems.

1) lack of communication and agreement before a third party moves into the house. That screams of bad communication skills, manipulation, lack of respect and dysfunction.

2) pressure to fall in love. I can't even follow this thread of thought coherently enough to make the point. Except that this is emotional blackmail and bordering on emotional abuse in the realm of sex.
Pressuring someone to have sex with you is rape. Pressuring someone to want to have sex.. is akin to attempted rape.. I think somewhere this all boils down to the same shit and I would blow my lid if any of my partners treated me thus.
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  #18  
Old 10-31-2013, 01:15 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Now I haven't yet figured out how to easily disable all the electrical outlets in my house yet
If the electric plug to the item (ex: TV) has those holes in the prongs could thread a small lock through the hole and lock it. Then the item cannot be plugged into the wall. You have the key to the lock. There. No TV or video game or whatever it is. Going low tech is sometimes easier.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-31-2013 at 01:17 AM.
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  #19  
Old 10-31-2013, 02:37 AM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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My post earlier is based on experience with live-ins that are quick to become deadbeats. Your continued descriptions clearly imply to me, and has 'red flag, deadbeat live-in alert' written all over it...

The best way I found to get a deadbeat off their bumm, or to move on, is to...

[A]. set a deadline that is NOT too long term (weeks, not months), then enforce it. I literally had to kick someone out once, 3 days after their deadline by pre-paying a weeks motel stay, dumping all their belongings into the room, while they were away for the day. Go figure, that person got a job in 2 days after that happened.

[B]. Ask them constantly to do things around the house for you. Bug the snot out of them. Your children see that she is getting a free ride, and its not fair to them. Show your kids she has to earn her keep and do whats expected, just like they do.

[C]. Life has to be focused toward making that person VERY uncomfortable. I have many times, locked out our main breakers to our house for 24 hour periods to show my disapproval for someone's lack of looking for a job/help around the house, Kids and Adults alike. I back it by saying to EVERYONE in the house that WE ALL must suffer because of one person's lack of self motivation. I also say to everyone that 'We will ALL Suffer Without Luxuries, so that we can help (X) get motivated. It is our duty to help them as decent people.'. If that person argues against this move, and/or ignores it, or does ANYTHING but apologise and try to correct it, then that person clearly has no regard for others feelings at all. I would kick them out,...fast,...because they consider their own selfish nature above your kids, your wife, AND you. Someone I would NOT tolerate in my home, not even for a single day.

There are no lazy people in our home.
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