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  #1  
Old 10-29-2013, 02:32 AM
AAvatar AAvatar is offline
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We are in a good relationship for six years plus. I am 47, male, professional and goofy, in my third marriage, having grown up some along the way, sober x 6 years with 2 kids from a previous marriage and a wife who is 30, professional, very sharp, unselfish and married for the first time, with a son (who was conceived days before we got together), sober x 11 years and - the love of my life. Really now.

We are well matched for most everything but we realized that neither one of us is able to fulfill all needs. She would like a woman for casual sex, although I suspect a loving relationship is not out of the question. I am redefining my sexuality as a result of this challenge to our previously agreed on monogamous relationship.

I had thought some time ago that poly was the way to go for the world, being authentic, honest and loving. I placed myself in societal molds and did what I thought I should to please others, to be a good boy. Big mistake. Clearly the world is not ready for poly. And I don't even know yet about myself either - what I do know is that I am opening back up and would like to learn more, experience and grow more, work on myself and be authentic. We both feel this way about life and living. We both have been in therapy, counseling for couples and in general have a fairly good grasp on the complexities of life. Our relationship is not for sissies, nor is poly. Communication could be clearer and more frequent, but hey, we are imperfect, and working on it!

Thanks to y'all (yes, we live in Virginia), there is a place to explore all of this safely, cautiously and gratitude goes to all shares of these deep, vulnerable places that we have within.
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  #2  
Old 10-29-2013, 05:06 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Welcome to the forum! There are lots of supportive people here!

I have never worried about whether the world is "ready" for a lifestyle choice I have chosen- I just move forward anyway.

My Dad passed away recently. Attending the funeral were my male partner of 10 years, my ex lesbian lover (we were together for 12 years) and a married couple that I date.

It sounds like you guys have the emotional maturity to enter this lifestyle and you may be eventually lending support and encouragement to others in the lifestyle!

Good luck!
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  #3  
Old 10-29-2013, 05:14 PM
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Default Thanks!

It is good to be in company who understand.
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:19 AM
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Hello AAvatar,
Welcome to our forum.

I feel that I, too, was in a state of error whenever I tried to "fit into the mold" of "what the world is ready for." It's better to just be authentic and be myself, and hey, sometimes I unexpectedly help others along the way. So you are on the right track to be adopting polyamory into your life given that's the kind of life that seems to make sense to your mind and heart.

I hope you guys find what you're looking for, both as individuals and as a couple. Have a look around at our various threads and boards on this site and whatever calls to you, dive in. Thoughts, questions, and concerns are always welcome. Usually there'll be at least a few responders; if not tweak your thread with a new post and see if that doesn't "bump it back to the top of the queue."

Good luck and glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-30-2013, 02:33 AM
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Thanks Kevin for the encouragement. It is rarely without fear that I am beginning something, but that is the point, isn't it. Discard the fear, or be aware of it, work with it and find the courage to be honest.

If nothing else I will learn form this experience and yes no matter what it is I may be able to pass it onto someone else along the way. Whether that is helpful or jot, who knows but the ability to let someone else know that they are not alone in this is huge.

To identify, empathize with others is where it is at, reflective listening, openness, non judgement and non interference - all fine things to which I aspire and fall short regularly

Thanks again for the welcome!
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  #6  
Old 10-30-2013, 02:37 AM
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Oh. And the thread rating is by whom?
It is awesome to know that as a newcomer it can only get better from one star...
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  #7  
Old 10-31-2013, 06:54 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Awww, don't worry about that silly "thread rating." I have no idea who votes on these things, let alone what their criteria is. Sometimes I suspect there are "troll voters" who give a thread a bad rating just to screw with the original poster's mind. Luckily, most people pay the ratings little or no mind.

You have the right idea, work through those fears, help others when they reach out (even if you feel your experience level is too low to be of help); like you said the mere act of identifying with someone else who's struggling can make a huge difference for them.

You'll do fine, settle right in here and make yourself at home.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #8  
Old 10-31-2013, 08:57 AM
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Welcome to the forum,...

No, the world is not ready for poly. My Polyfedelic situation would get me burned at the stake in VA. Conservatives just cannot accept the fact that people can be happy in what's considered an 'Abnormal' relationship.

you should be proud of your stable relationship and welcome new experience as it comes to you both.
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Dstone (me) - 45 Tecnical professional turned professional driver
BB - 47, Loving Wife and best friend / co-driver
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My Twisted Story... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61388

Last edited by Dstone; 10-31-2013 at 09:05 AM.
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  #9  
Old 11-01-2013, 02:39 AM
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I Appreciate the encouragement and share.
I got a whole lot out of davidlnoble's long and detailed, highly insightful article on unicorn hunters and I have to ask myself whethert hat is who I want to be or whether this is just the ideal, if everyone around we're accepting of a poly-anything lifestyle. So, I am thinking, I may be more interested in a Z formation as my wife is not bent on getting a triad going. I am realizing that specificity and requests, along with some maturing of the internal desire is paramount for this to work. I also see the need, again, and of which I was aware to get our primary relationship optimized. In other words, improve communication of what goes on inside without feeling afraid to catch flak or for the purpose of prying and then using this info for uncool motivations, such as making my wife insecure.

Since becoming aware of this pattern of mine and having shared it with her, she is understandably reluctant to share her deep stuff with me, although she also knows herself to be goatish about this at anytime. She has her past and her reasons. So do I..

Thing is I would like not to continue this pattern, but certainly can't practice growth into benignity if denied the opportunity, with her. In any case there is respect. And love. And so there is hope for getting more intimate again from between the ears.

Good night y'all and thanks again for your support!!
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  #10  
Old 11-01-2013, 05:20 AM
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You found the David Noble article? I'm impressed. Sounds like you took it seriously into consideration.

I sense some obstacles have sprung up in the communication area. Probably not a quick fix there, lots of tedious negotation. A search (or better, tag search) on this site for "communication" might be something to consider.

Polyamory was always a carefully-crafted process, never something just thrown together. Take your time, and keep learning all you can on this site.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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