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  #1  
Old 10-28-2013, 05:55 PM
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andrei andrei is offline
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Unhappy poly breakup advice...

Thought I would ask if anyone had been in a similar situation and had any advice for me:

I have been with my wonderful partner M for over 7 years now , her and I have great communication and times together. Our relationship has always been open , and for the most part we found it very enjoyable and rewarding.

about a month and a half ago I decided to end my relationship with my other Paramore J, after about 6 years on and off, and many chances. Her inability to communicate honestly & utter lack of disclosure finally proved incompatible with a healthy Poly lifestyle.

I should have made this decision years ago, it would have saved a lot of pain and heartache but these things are hard when you're in love with someone.

now I find myself going through what would be normal breakup angst, but I feel guilty...my rational mind is very glad to be out of what was a bad situation. the drama involved with J was overwhelming and negatively impacted anyone who witnessed it or was involved with It.

I don't feel like I have the right to feel the odd mix of emotions that I do. M is incredibly understanding, supportive and wonderful...we're going to learn from our mistakes and move on. I can talk to her and she helps me through everything...

I guess I'm just having trouble letting go...or maybe just dealing with being alone when M is not around, which is weird, because I used to love those rare occasions when I got time to myself.

I have actually been far more productive than I was towards the end of my and J's relationship. throwing myself into tasks for distraction from my repetitive thoughts

I'm still dealing with a lot of anger and the lack of focus that this brings...the mornings are the hardest, M and I have different schedules. I used to spend every morning with J
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:50 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Huh?

Honestly, I'm confused what you're upset about. You make it sound like you're surprised breakups happen in the poly world. Course they do. You feel bad, you move on.

Is it the fact that you're feeling lonely/depressed/upset....despite having other partner(s)?

If so, remember that each person represents something unique to you that deserves grieving over. Suppose a family relative died....would you expect your partner to be pissed that you were sad when you still have THEM????

Of course not.

In poly land, especially, the general thought is no one person can fulfill our every need, anyway, that's why you have more than one relationship (among others.)

So, don't feel bad about missing someone, even as you still have someone there for you. Really.
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Old 10-28-2013, 08:04 PM
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andrei andrei is offline
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PolyinPractice:
I wasn't asking a direct question, and no I'm not surprised that relationships end.

I'm just having trouble coping with a loss I should only be grateful for all things considered.

Besides externalizing my thoughts, venting so to speak...I guess I was looking for someone that could relate to my situation and offer a few words of encouragement.
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Old 10-28-2013, 08:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I don't feel like I have the right to feel the odd mix of emotions that I do.
What takes away the right to feel whatever it is you feel?

Could not place a value on the emotions or judging them. I think you might mean you don't LIKE feeling an odd mix of emotions. And that's fine. You don't have to like internal weather being murky -- give it time and it will clear up.

Just note it is a process, it it does takes time to get through stages of grief/loss even if it was a wanted change.

Could note what you feel. I could guess wrong, but here it is how I perceive it checklist style. My guesses in blue.

I find myself going through what would be normal breakup angst:
  • I feel guilty (that it took me this long to make the break)
  • (I feel) glad to be out of what was a bad situation.
  • (I feel grateful that) M is incredibly understanding, supportive and wonderful.
  • (I feel hopeful that)we're going to learn from our mistakes and move on.
  • (I feel relieved that) I can talk to her and she helps me through everything...
All in all? Sounds like moving towards better long term mental health and emotional health and spiritual health. Could remember to look after your physical health in this time -- eat, sleep, take a walk, etc -- also.

You will get there.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-29-2013 at 03:03 AM.
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  #5  
Old 10-28-2013, 11:46 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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It sounds to me like you are a very logical person - I am too. And so you have tried everything you could with J, you determined that despite many attempts it wasn't working, and did the rational thing. So your emotions ought to fall into place with your logic right?

I have rudely been reminded on numerous occasions that just because I understand the cause, effect, process, and outcome, my emotions have a mind of their own. Emotions like attachment, they like routine, they like the sense of familiarity you had with J. And while your emotional well-being was negatively affected enough that you felt the need to cut ties, you are still going to miss her. It takes time, getting used to her not being there. Eventually, your emotional state will line up with your logic.

I am sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels.
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Old 10-29-2013, 03:59 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andrei View Post
I don't feel like I have the right to feel the odd mix of emotions that I......
Quote:
Originally Posted by andrei View Post
I'm just having trouble coping with a loss I should only be grateful....
When it comes to authentic emotions, you don't need the "right" to feel them. Also- you may as well let go of the "shoulds" and "should nots" because normal human emotions don't follow a map.

Actually they do- sort of. There are identifiable stages in the process of grief. Just do a quick search on the web. Elizabeth Kubler Ross did a lot of work on it. Sometimes that's reassuring to be able to identify each stage as you are in it.

It's a process- and it takes time! Best wishes.
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:38 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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OP, are you saying you feel guilty about grieving the loss of J simply because you also have M, and that having more than one relationship means you should be grateful and not missing anyone? Or do you mean that since there were difficulties and issues with that relationship, you should be grateful it's over and not mourning it? Do you feel a little embarrassed or ashamed that you let a problematic relationship go on "too long" when you "should have" done something about it sooner?

I think you are beating yourself up rather harshly.

If you have a circle of close friends that you hangout with regularly and one of them who you care about but created lots of drama moved away suddenly, would all your friends scold you for missing that person? Would they tell you that you should be grateful that person is gone, and for having them in your life instead? Would they all say that the loss of that one friend should be inconsequential? Would they ridicule and criticize you for all your past efforts to make the friendship work? Of course not - the people we love and care about are not puzzle pieces that can easily be forgotten or tossed away.

Even though you chose to end the relationship, it makes sense that you are aching from the loss. You spent a good long time with her, had a deep connection even though there were problems, wanted it to work, and had a routine in terms of how you spent your days. Now you have a J-shaped hole in your life - her absence is hard to miss. Each person we love blazes their own unique trail to our hearts, and that never goes away. But with time, eventually the freshness and disorientation of the loss will fade, and the trail your loved one forged and left behind will become grown over with bushes and weeds as you forge new connections and have new experiences in life. It won't hurt so much, but it takes time to get there.

I am in the process of a divorce and it was devastating for a very long time (we were together 12 years). We were monogamous (I embraced poly after we separated), but loss is loss and grief is grief. If a wave of sadness rises up, let yourself feel it without judging or reprimanding yourself for it - it will pass. It is only when we judge our feelings that they stay unresolved and keep haunting us. If you can just be with what is, and not criticize yourself or your feelings, you can get through this time much more easily. And don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for whatever support you need from the people who love and care about you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-30-2013 at 10:44 AM.
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  #8  
Old 11-09-2013, 07:42 AM
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andrei andrei is offline
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Default thank you

Gala girl, ny cindie, idealist & bookbug

Thank you for all the kind words and thoughts

The most sobering thing was seeing my posts about the same exact thing a year ago, I cant belive I volunteered for that roller coaster again

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend
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