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Old 09-08-2009, 03:33 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81

You are very strong... and that's a good thing. I agree that for now, at the very least, poly needs to wait.

If he has issues with not addressing your needs when there are friends around, I am sure it would be a major challenge for him to address the needs of two women he was romantically and sexually involved with, so I would say not getting into that situation is the best solution.

I am so sorry for what you had to go through... I know what it is like to feel like you have things to work through and you can't talk to the two people closest to you, but nothing I've had to work through has been half as major as what you've been dealing with - it doesn't compare.

I admire your courage, honesty and strength!


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Old 09-08-2009, 06:35 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 652
Default Update on Star

Star and I haven't had any more serious poly or relationship conversations since I guess about two weeks after the incident that led to the OP. Partly because there isn't anything new to say, what with the elephant in the house, but mostly because she's got bigger fish to fry. She got hurt at work and has been dealing with the various treatment options, doing the physical therapy, etc. and is now looking at surgery and a long recovery. I could revisit the subject any time, I guess, but right now she needs a girl friend WAAAY more than she needs a girlfriend.

She's stayed with us for a couple of weekends since I got home, and there's no added tension, or at least very very little. She and I are back to being best of friends, although I will admit to keeping a watchful eye out, especially the first visit, to see if she and Hubby were saying one thing and doing another. (They were not.)

If she has to have surgery, she's going to stay with us while she recovers, which could be three months or so. She may not want to revisit what happened that night for fear I wouldn't let her stay here. I like to think I'm enlightened enough as a person that I wouldn't turn her out, but who can say, really, what s/he will do when her/his heart is breaking?

Besides, I've already told her (weeks ago) that I'm not willing to risk getting my heart broken again that way, and that I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure my heart is protected and safe. I don't see any reason at this point to tell her that I'm not willing to trust her, specifically, with my heart again. (And to be completely truthful, if it were not for the long history of love, loyalty and trust between Hubby and I, I couldn't have trusted him with my heart either. But I've loved him for so long, and trusted him with everything in my life for so many years, that not trusting him is not an option. Loving him and trusting him comes as easily to me, and is as necessary to me, as breathing, even if sometimes it hurts.)

Okay, end of tangent. Back to the main point: I was very clear with both of them in the days immediately after, that while I'm still open to the idea of polyamory, they screwed the triad up and it's up to them to fix it. I'm responsible for my own healing, and I'm doing the work to make that happen. If they want to heal our triad, that's up to them. And since neither of them has taken any action toward healing it, I'd say at this point (almost 2 months later) the triad is dead. She has more pressing issues to deal with, and Hubby seems to be content living with the elephant.

So that's where things stand. As friends, Star and I are solid, and I will gladly stand by her through this rough patch, and the ones to come, as I always have. But she doesn't get break my heart again. That's my boundary, and now we know where it is.

Last edited by Fidelia; 09-08-2009 at 07:46 AM.
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Old 09-09-2009, 06:29 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Good for you Fidelia. You sound strong and firm in your convictions and I'm sure they rely on that as they know your boundaries fair and square. Your hard work has paid off!

Glad things are getting back on track.
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