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  #31  
Old 08-18-2009, 02:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
Urrrmph..aaaaahh.

You go Fidelia. I am so glad you have found the beginnings of peace with your situation. I am impressed by your attitude and by you taking charge of your own state of mind.

I agree with Rarechild on this one!! I'm proud of you.

I read the post but didn't know how to respond because this is one issue the hubby and I have never had to deal with because we both know that to do something like this could and would probably destroy the relationship we have fought so hard to establish with each other and the love we say we have for each other is exactly the love we do have for each other so to hurt the other is to hurt ourselves.

I want to offer my hugs too!!!!! You are a stronger woman than you think.
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  #32  
Old 08-19-2009, 07:15 AM
Timoval Timoval is offline
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Is there a comparison?

I dipped a toe into the swinging scene when I had gained my freedom, the sexual side of polyamory does not seem that different. People express a desire to fulfill a fantasy, a husbands friend, the friend of the wife. Many of us have these thoughts and fantasies. It is my belief that as a race we are not naturally monogamous.

Are we using Polyamory as a way to legitimise the fact that we would like multiple partners with the approval and participation of our spouses?

Or is it just a label for a sexual adventure?
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  #33  
Old 08-19-2009, 04:59 PM
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Are we using Polyamory as a way to legitimise the fact that we would like multiple partners with the approval and participation of our spouses?

Or is it just a label for a sexual adventure?
I honestly think it is used both ways. This is not my opinion; this is what I see first hand in the poly community.

I used to judge and get caught up in a form of "disapproval" because I personally wouldn't be healthy in a "sexual adventure" approach. The key is that I would not be healthy; others can be and may be.

Now that I have come to the realization that other people's relationships are not mine I am much more open to the various approaches to poly for what they are.

That does not mean I like to see the term abused by those who are dishonest in what they are looking for or use it to manipulate a partner. It just means if everyone is honest about what they want from relationships then I am fine with it.
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  #34  
Old 08-19-2009, 06:12 PM
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The sexual side of poly is worlds different than swinging (why does this keep coming up... I feel like I repeat myself over and over... It makes me stronger everytime in my convictions)!

It is like the difference between drinking a really good latte or an intant coffee (to those in Britain, I realize this analogy might be off as I know you generally drink instant coffee).
There is nothing like sex with connection, love and the lust that comes from needing and wanting to be close to someones soul, not just their interesting body.

Swinging, as I have said before, is akin to masterbating in someone elses body. Having poly relationships with others above and beyond your primary partner has the potential to be far deeper and as spiritual bonding as a primary relationship.

I am finding that poly has changed me in ways I am not able to articulate yet. Its coming and I will certainly write when I know, but my understanding of myself and who I am in the world has changed. I am surrounded by love and support in ways I never have need before. Not only that it has changed how I interact with my husband.

No my friend, it is very different than a flash in the pan swinging night or going to meet someone with the intention of having sex with them without the connection.
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  #35  
Old 08-19-2009, 09:10 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by Timoval View Post
Is there a comparison?

Are we using Polyamory as a way to legitimise the fact that we would like multiple partners with the approval and participation of our spouses?

Or is it just a label for a sexual adventure?
I am not widely experienced in polyamory (see the OP) and I have no experience whatsoever in swinging, but I do know there is a clear distinction. Polyamory involves full, close adult relationships among the partners, whereas swinging involves consensual extra-marital or non-marital sex among the participants with little or other relationship required or desired.
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  #36  
Old 08-19-2009, 09:13 PM
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Or there are these definitions from the Polyamory Language Page at http://www.polyamorysociety.org:

Polyamory n : is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is an umbrella term which integrates traditional multipartner relationship terms with more evolved egalitarian terms. Polyamory embraces sexual equality and all sexual orientations towards an expanded circle of spousal intimacy and love. Polyamory is from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence "many loves" or Polyamory

Swinging vb : Recreational sexual activity, also called "sport sex" where partner's or participant's agree to have casual sex with each other's. There is usually no emotional involvement. A form of monogamy in which usually two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other couples or singles
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  #37  
Old 09-03-2009, 01:57 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Default Update on the Elephant House

Itís been a while, and I donít want anyone here to think Iíve just stayed ďstuckĒ all this time, so hereís an update on the situation on the ground at my house.

There is no poly-friendly counselor available where I live. I could see an individual counselor, but I really want to deal with this in a way that opens my heart to more love, more openness, more possibilities, and mental health professionals are just not trained, traditionally, to think in polyamorous terms. So Iíve decided to study up on the matter myself, and apply what I already know and the skills I already have, and see if I canít find my way through this maze. If I canĖ great! If I canít . . . well, there are always those nice young men in their clean white coats who can come and take me away, ha ha, hee hee, ho ho . . .

The elephant is still living in our house. It pretty much follows Hubby from room to room, occasionally waving flags and blowing whistles, but Hubby refuses to have a look. Which gives me plenty of time to think and study.

Since the last time I wrote, my beloved, precious Hubby has more or less fallen all over himself to demonstrate how much he loves me. While I was away from home (taking care of some stuff for his mom) he sent me 2 dozen red roses, then the next week he sent me a huge package of love notes Iíve saved over the years. Called me every day, five or six times a day. Now that Iím home, he brings me coffee in bed, which he knows I love. He does a million little things to tell me he loves me, that I am important to him, that he cares. I am convinced. He loves me. Good thing, too, because Iím over the moon about him. He is the love of my life and I know I am his.

But he will not talk about what happened.

I, on the other hand, have not been standing still. Iíve been studying up, thinking hard about a lot of things, and taking a hard look at the baggage in my closets. And Iíve reached a few conclusions.

Iím not ready to trust Star with my heart on that level. I still love her, of course, sheís still my bff and I would trust her on many, many levels, but not that one. Iíve seen her behave like a bull in a china closet with other peopleís hearts, and Iím not ready to hand her mine again. Maybe someday, but not now. I may be once bitten/twice shy, but there it is.

Iíve also come to the conclusion that Hubbyís not ready to go poly. Specifically, heís not ready for the level of communication, care and ongoing relational involvement that poly requires.

Also, he canít pay sufficient attention to me when other people are involved, polyamorous or not. Let me give you one example and I think youíll see what I mean. We had some friends over to swim in our new pool, a guy and a girl. Good music, good friends, nice day. Everyoneís having a good time, etc. Hubbyís going into the house and asks if he can get anyone anything. Joe wants a beer, Jill wants water and Iíll have a diet coke, thanks. He comes back with the beer and the water, but forgot the coke. No biggie. Itís not that important; I let it slide. A while later, Hubbyís going in again, and wants to know who wants what. Joe will take another beer, thanks. Jill wonders if thereíre any chips and salsa left. And Iíd like a coke, thanks. At that moment, he said, ďOh yeah! Your coke!Ē The beer and the chips and salsa made it outside. No coke, though. I donít want to make a big deal, but Iím thirsty. And I know heís not going to remember the coke. So I get out of the pool and go in. When Hubby sees me coming out of the house with the Coke, at that moment he remembers it, and he gets all bent out of shape. I know heís ticked with himself for forgetting it twice, but itís thereís no point in getting worked up about it. And thereís certainly no point in sniping at me about it! Please! Either do it or donít, but donít say one thing and do another! I hate that!

(Which of course, that just plays into the issues opened up in the OP, and here we go . . . let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin.)

This is just one recent example. When weíre alone, I am the queen of his world, his true love, his heartís desire. My wish is his command. When weíre with other people . . not so much. And I really donít think it would bother me much, except that itís pretty consistent behavior and it shows that I just fall off his radar screen. In terms of just our dyad, I can deal with it. Itís an irritant, but ultimately itís just one thing and nobody bats 1.000. God knows I have plenty of flaws he has to deal with. But do I want to introduce the complications and emotions that come with romance, relationships and NRE? Thanks, Iíll pass. In fact, to quote Whitney Houston, ďHELL to the NO!Ē

This is one of the issues we will have to address if weíre going to continue moving toward a poly life. I am a strong Alpha female; thereís no way on Godís green earth I could tolerate being overlooked that way in favor of another love interest. Period, end of story. And of course thereíre the issues brought up in the OP still to be dealt with. None of which we are talking about.

So thatís where we are now. I feel like Iíve been learning and growing all this time, thanks to some serious research, study, and soul-searching, and also thanks in no small part to all you wonderful, wise, witty people here at the forum.

So when heís ready to talk about the elephant, Iím ready. But if a poly life is what he really wants, someday heís going to have to deal with the elephant.
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  #38  
Old 09-03-2009, 03:06 AM
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Wow. Good for you. Hubby does seem sorry with all the attention and gestures. But yes, he does need to talk if that is what you need for this to be worked out. I find some people are better able to do than to talk, but if talking is needed talking it must be.

It's so weird the way he can't focus on you when others are around. Is he socially anxious? Maybe you don't actually fall off the radar but he's so nervous about pleasing the other, less familiar people that he blanks on the one he's most comfortable with. He knows you love him so it subconsciously becomes all about making a likable impression on others? Yikes. I just don't know.
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  #39  
Old 09-04-2009, 05:50 AM
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Good for you Filelia! I'm so glad you have made some decisions and are continuing to pick away at budging that elephant out of there. I wonder if this has brought up issues from his past marriages around infidelity and that is why he is having a hard time looking at the thing. Perhaps it is a bigger fear than was first realized. I agree, no poly until that elephant is gone.

Any word from your friend?
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  #40  
Old 09-08-2009, 03:10 AM
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Yeah I'm interested about what happened to Star and this issue. I'd be sad if your friendship has suffered over this. I'm not excusing your husband for what he did but it does sound like he's gone all out to re-affirm his love and care for you which is nice - if he was truly ignoring the issue he wouldn't have done that and shrugged his shoulders and told you to get over it already.
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It's so weird the way he can't focus on you when others are around. Is he socially anxious? Maybe you don't actually fall off the radar but he's so nervous about pleasing the other, less familiar people that he blanks on the one he's most comfortable with. He knows you love him so it subconsciously becomes all about making a likable impression on others? Yikes. I just don't know.
My partner has been guilty of this before. She is someone who is anxious around what other people think of her a lot, but when it hits the fan she roars to my defense or side. She is someone who never had a truly secure relationship with a partner before and she knows I'm always with her 100% but of course doesn't have that feeling about other people, so she does tend to try and please them rather than me in some settings. I have learned that this is really about her insecurity around others rather than me so I don't take it personally.
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