New to Poly and needing help

[Mark1npt]

I'm hurting for you Fidelia.......I stand by my previous post. It was pretty callous of both of them.....or pre-meditated.

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by XYZ123

Talk and talk and talk some more, with both of them, and as a group, and work past this if you can.

My husband is all talked out. He's at the point where he's just defensive if the subject is touched on in any way. And honestly, I can't say I blame him. What is there left to be said? They're sorry. They know they hurt me. They know what they did undermined the trust I have for each of them, as well as my sense of security in our relationships. They say it will never happen again. I want to believe them, but my innermost heart is reeling that it ever could happen in the first place. I would never have identified THAT as a possibility, never in a million years.

My husband wants me to just be okay, but I'm not. And I won't pretend I am.

Originally Posted by XYZ123

In the meanwhile, put off any poly bedroom activities until you're more secure on this.

Poly bedroom activities? You could have said ANY bedroom activities! This experience has thoroughly knocked the wind out of my sails, so to speak. (And in case anyone wonders, I'm not "cutting him off." I think using sex as leverage is manipulative, degrading and short-sighted.)

Originally Posted by XYZ123

Asking someone to open a marriage is a big deal and the person doing the asking needs to be open to working at the partner's pace.

Thank you for seeing that, XYZ. It is a big deal, isn't it?

Originally Posted by XYZ123

Hopefully, your husband will understand this, the way in which his actions led to your feelings, and be willing to slow down.

He's said from the very beginning that if the situation isn't right for me, it isn't right for him. His exact words were "If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy." So for right now, ain't nobody happy. From a poly point of view, we're dead in the water.

I've told them each that I'm still open to the idea of polyamory, and I am. But this situation is completely whack, and I have no idea how to fix it. And I don't think it's my responsibility to fix it, outside my own healing. And to be completely honest, the more days that pass with me bleeding out pyschologically and emotionally, the less open I am to trying again.

Thanks again for your support and wisdom.

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Let me start off by saying, I'm sorry you had to experience this scene with your two best friends..

Thank you.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

I understand your wanting to open up or experiment in your marriage.

I didn't want it. I was happily mono. I wanted my beloved to fulfill the desires of his heart.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Your husband's quick, enthusiastic response makes me wonder, if he has in the past, always been faithful, if not physically then atleast emotionally with you. I'm sorry, but he seems wayyyyyy tooooo comfortable or familiar with the emotions of it all. .

I'm Hubby's fourth wife. I've heard on the family grapevine that Wife #1 was very adventurous. I've never asked for specifics, as I've never really considered it any of my business. Maybe I should re-think that.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

It also makes me wonder how familiar your friend Star has been, too..

Hmmm . . . good point

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

I still don't see how that could have happened. You took it way better than I would have.

You didn't hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

It sounds like maybe subliminally they didn't want a threesome, but only to be together themselves..

That was immediately apparent to me, and remains a big part of the issue. Thank you for seeing it too.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

The sexual tension may have been overwhelming and all consuming, but I just never, ever in a million years would have forgotten my wife. Something is too weird here for my liking.

THANK YOU! I am not going insane.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

There's one thing to be poly and one thing to swing. Which is it you want, which does your husband want?

I was happy mono, and Hubby told me he wanted to "open our relationship and share our joy with others." We talked about secondary husbands and wives. That sounds poly to me.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

I hope this reply doesn't upset you but gives you another point of reference from which to address your situation with your two best friends.

On the contrary, Mark. Thank you ,thank you, thank you you for your honest assessment and valuable insights.I sincerely appreciate your sharing them with me.

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Good luck.

Thanks, Brother, I need all I can get!

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

I'm hurting for you Fidelia.......I stand by my previous post. It was pretty callous of both of them.....or pre-meditated.

Thank you, Mark. Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about, and some hard questions to consider. It looks like this may get worse before it gets better . . .

and who knows, there could even be another unicorn roaming around loose before long!

Thanks again, all of you, for helping me sort this out, and for your support and wisdom.

[Mark1npt]

Whew! I'm glad you took my reply well....I was hoping not to come off as some know it all.....

My worrisome side is concerned with you being the "4th wife".....obviously this guy has issues...... or......... he's always been poly in a mono society, lol.

I live in a town populated by wealthy guys who've averaged 4-5 wives. I don't want to appear critical of my fellow menfolk but somehow, I don't think they're all poly!

[Fidelia]

No worries, Mark. If I didn't really want to know what you (and everyone)thought, I wouldn't have asked. I need some outside perspectives and input to help me see these events clearly, and I sincerely appreciate the help.

I've never thought much one way or another about being #4, as long as I was the Fourth and Final, and I am the currently the Undisputed World Record Holder. As I've often stated (in a deep movie-announcer voice),"Many have tried. All have failed. Save ONE . . ."

And yeah, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that Hubby has issues, but then, who doesn't? I know if I don't slay the dragons that have sprung up in my heart and my head because of this, the dragons are going to eat me alive. And lemme tell ya, BrotherMan, I've been crazy and I've been sane; sane is less exciting but it beats crazy comin' and goin'.

Thanks again.

[Mark1npt]

Too funny, Fidelia!......Yes, sane works a lot better for me too.....the poly life can strain anyone's sanity, though. Glad to hear you're the current record holder. You would think at some point, he'd fatigue and quit looking for or dreaming about maybe a #5! Continued good luck in that endeavor!

[XYZ123]

He's "all talked out and defensive"? Hmmm.... Sorry hun, but HE did this and HE needs to listen to EVERYTHING you have to say WHENEVER you have to say it if he wants to fix it. He asked to open the marriage. He forgot you as soon as you did. To make it worse, so did your best friend. Of course you're hurt! My hubby and I are no longer even in a poly relationship (and unless the right woman comes along may never be again) and we still, over a year later, rehash things and reassure eachother. This way, should it happen again, everything is on the table and we know how to continue communication. A huge amount of compassion and honesty and willingness to be open, supportive, and reassuring is needed for a poly lifestyle to work without jealousy, anger, and resentment. And even in the best of situations these emotions will still sometimes surface and need to be discussed and soothed.
You're not crazy and you're not wrong for feeling as you do. I hope he sees that. Just approach him in a way that leads to mutual communication and not finger pointing and blame if that's the problem. "I feel" rather than "You did". I wish you the best of luck. *HUGS*

[redpepper]

So at first I was right there ready to give this husband of yours a blast of shit but as everyone seems to have covered the spectrum of things to give him shit for I have a question.

Why did you wait 45 mins before seeing what was going on? What did you think was going on?

If it were me I would of been in there in under a minute saying, "hey there get your sexy asses in this bedroom!" not waiting for them to get on it.

I am willing to be a bit more patient than others it seems. I think that was way to long to wait to see what was going on. I think you have yourself to blame for that.

Time stands still for me when I have sex. If things are moving along passionately I have no idea the time until I come up for air. If this was a first time after a long wait to broach the topic I can totally see them getting caught up in it.

I understand you would be hurting, don't get me wrong. That sucked big time! Don't go over board though. There might be hope yet. Time and more talking will help. Damn right they both need to sit and listen as you work through your anger though. But don't forget to tell them that is all it is. Working through it to see where you end up.

[Fidelia]

Thank you, XYZ and Redpepper, for taking time to consider my situation and respond.

Originally Posted by XYZ123

He's "all talked out and defensive"? Hmmm.... Sorry hun, but HE did this and HE needs to listen to EVERYTHING you have to say WHENEVER you have to say it if he wants to fix it.

Yeah, that’s what I think too, but the thing is what it is. We haven't even skirted around the issue for days now. It's the elephant in the house. Hubby's been bending over backward to please me and demonstrate his love in a thousand little ways, but he won't address the elephant. Perhaps given time and some space, he will be ready. But there's no point in pushing right now, unless I just want to fight. And I don't. And Star and I have had some long, long, talks. She and I are pretty clear, and are more or less okay, if shaky still in some areas.

Originally Posted by XYZ123

A huge amount of compassion and honesty and willingness to be open, supportive, and reassuring is needed for a poly lifestyle to work without jealousy, anger, and resentment.

Yeah! That's what I hear, and those are some of the things I find appealing about poly. Sadly, I’m beginning to conclude that Hubby isn’t ready for the level of communication and attention poly relationships require.

Originally Posted by XYZ123

Just approach him in a way that leads to mutual communication and not finger pointing and blame if that's the problem. "I feel" rather than "You did".

I'm trying. Sometimes it hard, but I'm trying. One good thing about living with the elephant is that right now I have all this time to really think about what I want to say when/if Hubby does decide to address it.

Originally Posted by XYZ123

I wish you the best of luck. *HUGS*

*HUGS back* Thanks, XYZ.