A quandary

[Quath]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I got no apology from the guys who wrote and said I looked hot and gave me their cock sizes (sooooo much depth in that!)

Damn! So that is what I have been doing wrong!?! Next thing you know, you will be saying I should not immediately send pictures of my hard-on as an introduction!?!

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Maybe they won't last forever but why be the catalyst that leads to ending her happiness prematurely?

She will not be stealing him away from her. So it doesn't have to lead to the end of their relationship. As long as people are making fully informed decisions, I don't see a need for it to end a relationship.

If the guy is interested in poly, it may be better for his relatonship with his gf to find out now rather than later.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Quath

She will not be stealing him away from her. So it doesn't have to lead to the end of their relationship. As long as people are making fully informed decisions, I don't see a need for it to end a relationship.

If the guy is interested in poly, it may be better for his relatonship with his gf to find out now rather than later.

What she may be doing is injecting something that may sever this guy's girlfriend's ability to connect with him. This is not active "stealing" but could prematurely end what they have without them fully getting a chance to see where their relationship could have went.

Putting her own wants above his girlfriend's is a selfish act IMO. If poly is all about loving people than I don't see how this could be considered an act of polyamory in all good faith. It sounds like more of a capitalistic approach to seeking relationships in that "as long as my needs are met" then life is good.


If he is poly and interested in her, he will risk the relationship and put that question forward. It is not up to her to push the issue IMO. Be patient and see where their relationship is heading is my advice.

[DestinyWaits]

I'm going to offer something from another approach here. I have often believed that friends are friends no matter what right? Can't she still talk to the guy? What's wrong with letting him know she thinks the gf is great for him and telling him that she's always care about him and maybe slipping the whole poly thing into the conversation somehow? I'm not talking about out and out telling him she wants a relationship with him but just suggesting the lifestyle and seeing what he thinks? People talk about sex with their friends all the time. If he thinks its a good thing then make the approach but with the truth thing, you know, no cheating on the gf, she has to know. I don't know, it could work.

[redpepper]

What if they are missing out on the best relationship ever by not talking to each other truthfully. The gf will either be in it or not, why wait until she is really into the guy to find out that he is poly and wants to add this woman. It's tricky for sure, I'm not sure either is the right answer. I think you will just have to go with your gut as you may have already decided to do. It might not be worth pursuing at all if the love isn't really there, just the lust for experience and to get this guy in bed. It's up to you really, I see no right answer.

[MonoVCPHG]

Of course I wouldn't want their friendship to end. I just encourage a level of respect towards the girlfriend's well being regardless if she knows her or not.

I had an affair with a married woman. My biggest regret is that I harmed what her husband had with her without him ever knowing it. I didn't harm what she had with him..she did that.

I am not equating this situation to cheating by any means but consider patience to be displaying respect to what him and his girlfriend are growing. Give that plant some time to grow and see what comes of it. Be the best friend you can be in this and who knows

[XYZ123]

If you've already told him you're poly, then he knows. If you've already expressed interest in eachother, he knows. There isn't any reason you can't continue to be friends and talk honestly, but maybe don't proposition him to join the lifestyle. If you continue to discuss your polyness he may come about and say "what about me?" In the meantime, he has a gf he is happy with and to approach him with what could seem an offer of cheating on her (perhaps in her eyes) may seriously damage their relationship and your friendship. If they are truly happy and truly mono he may tell her, as he probably should in the interest of honesty, of your approach. And you may forever seem a threat to her. Even being poly I would be angered by a woman approaching my husband behind my back. It would definitely cause some harsh words, if not the death of their friendship because I can't trust her with him.

[Nyx]

This has turned into a really great thread and I am appreciating all the feedback. Everyone has their valid points.

I feel honestly that my friend seems like a one woman kinda man and even though I know he has still has feelings for me, I wouldn't want to put him in a position where he feels he has to choose. I highly doubt that he would entertain the notion of two girlfriends and what he has with this new gf seems rather serious, though sudden. They spend all their time together, really.

I honestly couldn't give him much time, maybe a day or two out of each month, and I have a feeling that I would really be out of line in his gf's eyes and I of course would not want to hide anything. That seems sleazy and...yeah, like I'm trying to steal him. I'm not that kind of person at all. I would spit fire if someone tried to steal my man behind my back.

I think I'm gonna bow out, keep him as my friend and leave things where they sit. I know we care about each other and that's all I need. I am truly happy for him - he's been needing a nice girl for a long time. The last few have been psycho.