Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 02-04-2011, 05:46 PM
meyesekrit meyesekrit is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Delaware
Posts: 11
Default right vs happiness....

While I haven't been exploring poly for long, I feel like my understanding of this issue is less about what my "rights" are as an individual and more about lifelong happiness.

Yes, I could take the approach that MY life and MY sexuality are exclusively MY right to decide....but you are absolutely correct that this may not lead to peace and unity in my relationships.

So, while how I live my life is my right......I need to balance that against the needs/rights/desires of my partner(s). And this is where boundaries come in.

If I accept the social norm of monogamy as my boundaries....will I be happy??? Will I be ABLE to squelch myself and live within those boundaries? And....more importantly....WHY SHOULD I????

Poly to me is the acceptance that society DOESN'T have it all figured out. Society ISN'T always correct. There ARE other ways to live and to love.

Therefore, my partner(s) and I get to set NEW boundaries. NO....it's not a free-for-all where each person gets to greedily do anything they want. BUT NO RELATIONSHIP IS! Isn't not about my RIGHT...it's about living a full and enriched life where each of us can reach new depths of self awareness and happiness.

If a particular need of mine is so powerful...and yet isn't acceptable to one of my partners, then that relationship may need to end. Not because I was wrong to need it....but because we can't reach the compromise or understanding necessary. That could be because one of us doesn't want children, or doesn't want to move far from family, or any number of other issues that break up relationships. I feel too many people BLAME poly .... when it's no different than other mutually exclusive issues that break up couples. It's just the added layer of societal conditioning that makes poly seem wrong or to blame.


But....perhaps that's just my views.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-04-2011, 11:56 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,504
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by greeneyes View Post
I agree with most of what you're saying here, if not all of it. The observation I was making was not in order to justify controlling the actions of another, in an authoritarian sense, but to point out that humans do spend a good deal of energy attempting to control their own environments, any person, whether they are poly or mono or absolutely celibate and asexual with no interest in any kind of romance. I did not mean to assume that you, loving radiance, held any particular belief, but that it seems to be a popularly represented one here and with other poly resources I have looked at.
Gotcha.

I've been trying to keep up with this conversation-in spite of ongoing drama in my personal life-because I'm enjoying this conversation.

But-admittedly-I haven't been putting my full mind to it.

Thank you for clarifying for me. I do appreciate the help.

I really enjoy the thought provoking questions and answers!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 02-05-2011, 12:05 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,504
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by angeleyes View Post
As I look at it, even if the issue here is the fear within the more jealous partner, the less jealous partner is not going to help matters with "shock therapy." To the extent that the issue really is jealousy, or fear, or whatever, then talk about *that*, show compassion for *those* things, and leave the sex talk to the side.
Absolutely!
Just because someone doesn't have the "right" to control another person doesn't mean that they can't choose to honor that person and that person's needs/feelings!

Which is why I say that we all can choose and I don't believe in "I can't help it.." excuses.

To me, if my partner expresses to me that they have jealousy due to insecurities, then it's my job as someone who loves them, to LOVE THEM by listening and talking with them until a resolution can be found for their insecurities.
At the same time, if I am having insecurities-I would like that from those who love me.

BUT-I would not appreciate being told, nor would I try to tell my lovers that they should limit their other loving relationships so that I don't experience insecurity. I would want help resolving my insecurity, not to hide from it.

Ok, I'm getting interrupted again by my personal drama.
I'll try to reappear soon.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 02-05-2011, 02:24 AM
eklctc eklctc is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 275
Default

Well, first, welcome. Second, I must apologize now for my lack of formatting. I am watching WWE (my regular Friday night activity) and have to resort to using the laptop which does not have a functioning enter key. Third, I would say let's spend less time analzying the mindsets of others or what seems to be how these things go and try to work through what fits You. Many of the points you have mentioned are, indeed, things that exist but no 'one' thing is the norm or the 'way' of poly or the 'way' of non-monogamy or the 'way' of mono or the way of 'swinging' or the general mindset or whatever. As LR stated, and I agree, we are Individuals (which seems to slip the minds of many people who enter into various styles of long-term relationships but I digress). Additionally, I completely agree with you regarding the 'I just can't help it' mentality but I don't think that is prevalent in this community or, even, the monogamous community. I belive that most of us do Understand that not only do we always have a choice but, also, we make a choice daily in our relationships and our treatment of others and vice versa. Some diehards on either side do argue that if you are one way, then you can't just 'turn it off' and not be that way, thereby, supporting the 'can't help it' or 'this is the way I am' mindset. Once again, we return to choices. For example, if you feel that you are poly in your heart (meaning you can naturally love more than one person on a companionship level) that does not mean that you Have to pursue a poly lifestyle and I don't believe that a person would be suffering or discontent in life because they've taken that path. It IS a choice. Of course, yes, many of us come from fairly 'traditional' (and I use that term loosely) upbringings causing us to work through some of the conditioned thinking (equates to what we have been taught through society, family, and experiences) we have embraced/endured/accepted most of our youth, at least. Still, some are a-ok with accepting and continuing to embrace those mindsets, others have watered down that thinking and continue towards Self thinking (or pondering and perceiving things according to your own research or intuitive rhythms versus continuing to embrace the common mindset or what you've always been taught), and still others teeter between the conditioned and the free-thinking. I say, it's all a process ... a customized process. I hope, through your journey, you successfully build a customized experience you and your partner can both enjoy and learn from. Just a sidenote ... I'm sure you will share more as time goes on but, from what I can tell from your current postings, it seems like the focus is more about sexual interaction than actual relationships which is fine but I think that is an important position to reflect on, deeply, to help determine what it is you are Really looking for. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to keeping up with your journey.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 02-07-2011, 02:53 PM
angeleyes angeleyes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 18
Default

Yeah, I was not arguing against what you said =-)
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 02-08-2011, 04:38 PM
angeleyes angeleyes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 18
Default

^^^ was supposed to be in response to greeneyes (I think).

and to eklctc, I read and I believe understand what you are saying, but was this more directed at myself, or greeneyes?
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:01 PM
angeleyes angeleyes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 18
Default

I believe we had a breakthrough last night into understanding greeneyes feelings of anxiety, and how I play into that and can help reduce those feelings =-) It came on the heels of what could have been (I think) a huge fight, but we stayed in it together, and it turned out really good and even included some really passionate and good feeling love-makin' ;-)

The central issue was shame. greeneyes read something I had written on here and felt shame and fear. She went past me crying (while I had been masturbating), so then I felt shame and fear. She was in the shower then and didn't want to talk when I asked her what was wrong, so then my imagination goes in a completely bad direction. More shame =-(

When greeneyes comes out of the shower, she explains she was having a panic attack, and what she read that sent her in that direction. It turns out not to mean what she thinks, and what she thinks turns out not to be what I am thinking. So everything is seemingly ok, and greeneyes is curious to hear, and I am willing to tell what I was thinking about while I was off having my little fantasy time.

Well, it turns out that hearing my fantasy triggers feelings of both arousal and shame in greeneyes - very reminiscent of the feelings of sexual assault =-( I, of course, did not intend to make her feel this way. She, of course, did nothing wrong but merely listened. Nonetheless, both of us ended up feeling terrible afterwards =-(

But we did talk about it. And the thing we are doing now is working with more defined boundaries while getting in better touch with those internal barometers of what feels ok, and what doesn't. So greeneyes set some parameters within which she would feel comfortable, and the two of us headed for the bedroom where we played with each other while I told her a sexy story until the point where we kind of just needed to concentrate on the fucking, LOLZ!

So far, so good, we'll see what the aftermath is this morning, but I have positive hopes =-)
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 02-09-2011, 05:45 PM
greeneyes's Avatar
greeneyes greeneyes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Central FL
Posts: 27
Default

I think maybe the next boundary we need to negotiate is how much of our sex life gets posted on the internet...

Sweety, I am glad that last night was pleasing for both of us but I have to say that it makes me a little nervous to think that after we make love it's gonna go down as a marker on your public polyamory roadmap. Before posting intimate details, I'd appreciate it if you talked to me first.

:-*
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 02-09-2011, 05:52 PM
angeleyes angeleyes is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 18
Default

Ok, well I'm certainly sorry that I have caused you nervousness. My understanding was that we were anonymous on here, and so we could say "whatever." It seems to me that we need to re-discuss this more so we can both be on the same sheet of music.

[brief discussion takes place b/c, after all, you are sitting just 6 feet behind me on the couch]

I am glad we had the opportunity to discuss this so that I feel as though I have a better understanding of what your needs are =-) I hope you feel more secure now as well, and I'm glad we can still leave everything up without needing to censor =-)
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 02-09-2011, 08:49 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,914
Default

Oh, we're all anonymous here and we love reading all the juicy tidbits. Not just for prurient interest (there is that), but because it helps everyone in their own sex lives when we and others share details. No worries, keep sharing!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:18 PM.