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  #81  
Old 03-21-2011, 07:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
While that's one possibility, there are others...it's not always fragility. It may be avoidance of women's secret weapon...tears.
Guilty as charged. I became aware a few years ago that I wasn't just someone who cried easily -- I was taught at an early age to cry if I wanted to deflect some heat off me, and to avoid getting into trouble or having an icky conversation. But it's a really difficult habit to break -- although as an actor I am lucky because I can cry on cue and all I have to do is make a cry face at an audition and the tears come. Got a lead in an off-B'way play that way. But in relationships, I have had many conversations with men where I'm stopping to tell them in between my tearful snotful blubbering, "don't worry about this, honey, I even cry at commercials." I try not to scare them away with it, it just comes out... sometimes I can stop it, but... :'(

But why is that always something to avoid? Hmmm...

Edit: Regarding the fury of a woman scorned... haha, yes, for me that's real... and scary. I am not easily angered, it takes a lot, but when I am... watch out.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #82  
Old 03-24-2011, 09:34 PM
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Hey, Jen I just read through your whole blog and wow -- my situation is SO similar to yours!! Thanks for all you've shared, both you and your hubby. The roller-coaster ride, it's incredible, isn't it? We've gone from great to horrible in a matter of minutes, too. What a swirl. But the depths of love we have been able to reach, it's worth every second, I think. And the things I have learned about myself, too -- amazing.

My bf, Jack, told me years ago (when he was just a friend and I had a ridiculous crush) "I guard my heart." And I think that was the start of me, on a mission! Oh, yeah? I will find a way in! But -- I have learned SO MUCH from him. I've learned so much about balance, things that were lacking in me, or things that were already IN me that I had never acknowleged, things I wanted to strenghten and I could do that by watching him. He is a teacher, in many ways, but sometimes I am sort of making the connections all on my own -- you know? I am also learning things that I would like to work on in my marriage. It's been a lot of work but my husband is benefitting from the challenges too. In fact he is rising up to meet those challenges in ways that impress me to no end. I love reading when you say how much you love your husband -- I feel the same way about mine!

And I too struggle with the guilt. I hate that I am hurting him. I get mad at myself that I can't just be happy with him. He is a perfect husband and I am a spoiled brat! But -- the irony is, he loves it that I am a spoiled brat -- you know, I'm sort of the little monster that he created, anyway! I am sooooo confident that he will never leave me, that his love is unconditional, that whoever I love, he will love, I mean, I guess I just take it for granted sometimes. It is absolute confidence and trust! The scariest thing is when he struggles, gets negative or sketchy, and it sends me almost into shock -- you mean, there ARE conditions??? Wha???

Right now we're all hot on a "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" kick. Never saw the movie but I saw a few snippets on Youtube and I am hooked on playing those roles for a bit So fun, because all 3 in the V are incredibly beautiful and sexy and confident and secure. Great poly role models, from the little I've seen!

Good luck on your journey. Thanks again for sharing!
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  #83  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:10 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Thank YOU for sharing Carma! I always love to hear success stories, that even with ups and downs it can work out.

Hubby has been having so many internal struggles lately. He doesn't even really know how to tell me what is wrong. (See his thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7690)

On my front, J is again, back in the picture. After 4 days of silence I got a very deep message from him, I answered back wanting to leave things neutral until we were able to have dinner sometime. Work has been crazy for the guys, so I probably wont get that chance until next week and I hadn't really talked to him since knowing he was busy. He messaged me last night and we had a few pretty in depth texts back and forth. I'm feeling better, but still tentative about it. He did come forward about the things I had asked him.

On the W front, I did talk to him a little deeper about what he thought about the situation, and he wants to keep things platonic due to his relationship with hubby. After some thought, I think that it's best that way as well, I think he will be a much better friend in the long run than anything more.

I'm still feeling pretty drained, and confused, and of course super emotional. I just can't seem to catch a break in any one way. Something is always in the air, and sometimes I think it would be really nice if there could just be a week where everything went smoothly and happily. I instinctively want to point fingers and be angry because things aren't going the way I want them too... but I'm really trying to be patient for the good of everybody involved. It's really, really, really tiring.

Last edited by JenAgain; 03-25-2011 at 12:18 AM.
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  #84  
Old 03-25-2011, 12:18 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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You didn't even talk about your surprise!? Sheesh...
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  #85  
Old 03-25-2011, 03:30 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Haha, that's because I posted before I knew about my surprise!

But yeah, I've been having a rough week, and when hubs got to work, J was leaving and hubby told J that I could use his company. So imagine my surprise when there was a knock at the door and there was J wielding chocolate and a smile! I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks and with everything that had gone on, there was a bit of awkwardness there, but I think with some time that it will relax again. He didn't stay long, but we had a nice little chat and some hugs.

I think the best part was that hubby was happy that J could come be with me when he couldn't, and it made me feel good that he was not anxious about it at all. I think that's a big step in the right direction!
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  #86  
Old 03-27-2011, 05:03 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Well... good-ish stuff going on I guess?

Hubby and J are going to catch a movie tomorrow, and then coming back here for a BBQ and they will have more dude bro time while I go do my Sunday night skate.

Hubby had written J a letter letting know how he was feeling and that he needed J to communicate with us, and that he knows his actions have affected all of us (much like J's affect both hubby and I, and mine affect hubby and J..so on and so forth). He wants to keep forward in a positive way.

Apparently he had intended on trying to set up a date night for J and I, but J said he didn't feel comfortable with that at the moment. Which, yay, I'm glad he's communicating about that, it's definitely progress, however it does leave me with some mixed and confused feelings.

At this point, I'm not sure where I stand, or what I'm suppose to be doing. Am I suppose to be giving him space? Continuing to be forward? I've been working on giving him space, and as expected I have not received much from him during that time. Of course they have been VERY busy at work, so I'm trying not to read too much into that. I do have a fear that too much damage (not sure if that's the right word) has been done with all of the back and forthing and he's turned off from the whole situation. He says he still wants to be a part of it, but I don't know that we will ever have that intense connection that we had at the beginning of this.

I'm not doing anything either way right now.. just hanging tight and seeing what happens. Letting hubby and J work on their relationship a bit and hoping somewhere along the line I'll fit back into the picture maybe? I think one of the hardest parts for me is that he's in this because he wants to be, but I feel that it's mostly because we asked him to be. Everything with him is always plural "I've missed you guys too", and "how have you guys been?". I don't feel like I am an individual to him, and that he wants to be a part of us, but I don't feel like he wants me, and that's difficult. I should reiterate that I DO want him to be a part of our family regardless, but as far as "my person" I don't know if it will be enough for me. Still seeing where things go... it's not like I'm looking for anybody else or have any other prospects, so what have I got to lose, right?
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  #87  
Old 03-27-2011, 06:52 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Happy for you Jen! The surprise -- wow! Beo, you get some serious props for that one, how absolutely sweet of you. I see such love in your lives, it's really awesome.

I can really identify with you. Our trio is on the same page as yours right now. The men getting along and strengthening their friendship is so important and can enrich the whole experience.

Hubby and I watched "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" -- check it out, you guys, if you haven't seen it/recently. So cool to see those two cowboys and their fabulous friendship. They were secure in themselves, in their friendship, in their love for Eta and hers for them, everyone was in sync. One of the greatest love stories I have ever, ever seen. AND -- it's based on a true story.
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  #88  
Old 03-30-2011, 02:52 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Well, last night was a really rough night. Hubby texted me while he was at work and said that he was feeling inadequate yesterday. He said he feels some anger since he feels like sex with him wont be enough and he can't make me feel sexy or make me want to have sex at any given time. He tries to do those things all of the time and it frustrates him that he can't do it. He said that he tries to give me everything I could want and I always want something more.

Ouch.

I responded that I didn't think anybody but me could make me feel sexy. No matter who tells me things I don't feel sexy until I do. I'm not in the mood until I am. I don't know what pushes those buttons. One thing that makes me feel sexy is when I derby. I feel sexy and empowered, no matter who is watching or who isn't... I think sexy is my state of mind, not anything anybody can make me feel. I still don't know what gets me in the mood. I just know that when this all started and I was in NRE, I was NRE with J, but I also felt NRE with hubby all over again.

He ended up coming home early. He says he can't concentrate on anything else unless he's really busy. It consumes him every day. He thinks about how he wants to be everything to me and he can't. He thinks that me having special moments with somebody else is going to make what we have less special.

How do I answer that? I said nothing, because I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean out of reaction to his feelings. I just held him and hugged him and told him I loved him and that I wasn't going anywhere. My first thought was to just end it, but can we go back to the way it was? Do I want to? I have never been unhappy, but it wasn't until I experienced the freedom that I realized I had been missing it, that I felt like a better wife, and a better mother.

We both cried... a lot. I'm terrified that I've ruined our marriage. I yearn for the 5 minutes of *happi* we had when this started, where he was accepting of me for who I am, where I was allowed that freedom to explore my feelings and connection, where our deep communication was amazing and relieving, where my libido was through the roof and exciting. I can't be happy if he's not. I promised I would never hurt him, and I have. To see him hurting, and struggling kills me. What I'm doing, it's not fair, but why does it feel so right? I'm filled with guilt, I get angry because he can't see how much I love him and that this doesn't change how I feel about him in any negative way, I have frustration that I'm being held back, but I don't want to push him.

All of that, and there isn't really anything going on right now. Things are in limbo with J. I've been working on some strong platonic friendships with males that make me feel comfortable, and that I've missed..I've always had a lot of male friends until we got married. Other than that, it's all his thoughts and projections about what he thinks could happen.

I don't know what to do.
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  #89  
Old 03-30-2011, 03:45 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Oh Jen. *hugs*

What you 2 do depends on your own personalities. This is just so common with couples who discover poly. Or when one discovers it and then the other has to play catch up. It just rocks your world so much. It feel natural to you, but alien to him, and there is your disconnect.

As so many have said here, give it time. Both of you can read books on the subject. I just started reading Sex at Dawn, for instance, where the anthropologists talk about how humans were probably "promiscuous," and sharing sex with multiple partners, for the million years of human history. Monogamy is a "new" concept, ie: only 10,000 yrs (since agriculture introduced possessiveness), which is a drop in the bucket in the big picture.

We are meant to be more like bonobos, our close ape cousins. (And humans are apes.) Bonobos share sex amongst the tribe, for tension release, bonding, entertainment, etc, not just for reproduction. Humans are the only other mammals that also view sex this way!

So, anyway, there is a lot of info out there, and the more you 2 learn about non-monogamy, the more you will both be reassured that sex/love/affection with more than one person does not automatically threaten your primary pair bond. Cheating does threaten it, because secrets kill.
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  #90  
Old 03-30-2011, 05:13 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hey jen

I think I know how your husband feels and the truth is I had the exact same thoughts and feeling. The truth is he is not enough or you wouldn't be looking elsewhere. He is not the center of your universe anymore ...or whatever spin anyone puts on it. You are the center or only one in his universe so its hard to not want the same time and focus.

It may not be all that comforting to know your not leaving....each persons different. For me it wasn't comforting at all it made things more confusing I came to think of it as being romantically out sourced. Not many benefits to that....if that's how one feels. I ended up figuring out there ore only two emotions worth talking about. What feels good and what feels bad. Pain or joy. Not going to use the word love...too many meanings

I don't know your story so I'm just putting this out there. Let say this gets sexual and to ease tension you try to demonstrate fairness and set up dates with hubby but because of the nre ... your heart isn't 100% into it.... hubby sense it...he then ends up feeling less special, less loved, and more of the feeling of being replaced at least in the romance department. According to many here this is quite common. And it didn't help me knowing that. My point is this is like running hurdles and this is the first or second hurdle....300 meters more to go .....lots more hurdles.

Here's one other little secret ....the brain is linked to erections....this could have a very chilling /killing effect for hubby. I would wake up in the middle of the night with a hard on from a dream but would not get aroused from wife's advance. I think gender in this situation could play a huge role.

The only way from my point of view is going down the road together. Each person has other partner(s)....fair and balanced. If you want 2 additional partners then don't be surprised that he does to. Center of universe(s) is/are balanced.

People here have developed techniques to cope with the painful situations that seem to always arise....they are a very abundant resource....and very willing to share their experiences and guidance new folks.... I wish you the very best....Good luck.
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