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  #71  
Old 03-15-2011, 02:33 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Oh no, I'd much rather have J in our life and family. When I said said I was both comfortable and struggling with going back to the basics, I was referring to the kissing and snuggling. I really enjoyed those times, even if there was nothing else involved. I felt like that was good bonding time for us because of the closeness and when we did a lot of our talking and joking. But yes, more than anything I prefer him to be a part of our family.... and for everybody to be comfortable.

J doesn't strike me as the kind of person who gets confused. Like I said, I have not known him to ever not know exactly what he is doing and why at any one point. I think his biggest thing is not wanting to intrude on mine and hubby's relationship.. he doesn't want to cause any problems and as soon as things go through a tough point, he backs off into the woodwork. It's all part of the learning process though... i know it will be okay in the end, one way or another. I may not get what I see in my head and feel in my heart..... and that's okay.. it's just exhausting going through the ups and downs and back and forths. and yes. I'm impatient :P
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  #72  
Old 03-15-2011, 02:53 AM
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Oh no, I'd much rather have J in our life and family
Remind yourself of that.


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J doesn't strike me as the kind of person who gets confused.
We all get confused and scared, especially since we really haven't been taught how to handle poly situations whereas we get lessons, good, bad or otherwise on a mono lifestyle every time we turn on the TV. Just saying, it's new and because he cares for you both, he may not quite know how to tread yet.
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  #73  
Old 03-17-2011, 11:52 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Stood up.. again.
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  #74  
Old 03-18-2011, 03:04 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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I don't know if I'm that many paces behind... I've done a lot of catching up in the last week. Hopefully it'll stay that way. I'm pretty sure it will though.
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  #75  
Old 03-21-2011, 04:00 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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hmm, well, so much and so little has happened in the last week.

I'm not sure what happened with J. Ended up asking him about a few things i felt like he was being dishonest about.. after he stood me up, apparently because he took a sleeping aid and some pain meds and slept through, again. Wasn't being accusatory, just asking because I wanted to know the truth, no hard feelings, no judgments. Didn't hear from him all night. In the morning got a text that said he was "formulating" his response. Whatever that means.

Then nothing for the next couple of days, and I didn't message him either after a couple of unanswered ones, trying to give him space. I get a "good night" text at 2AM Sunday. Still no response to my inquiry.

Noticed some lovey gooey facebook comments on his "she's not really my girlfriend" page, again.. the honesty thing.. but I'm taking his silence as a hint, and I respect that. I just wish he had the respect in return to be truthful and up front with me. I'm raising the white flag, I hope with space that our friendship will remain in tact as I value the connection that we had, as well as his friendship with my hubby. Hubby and I both agree that J isn't what we are looking for, and it's taking some time, but I'm okay with that. I do miss him, and our chats, and again, I'm hoping with time that will come back.

A lot of it was mistakes on our part, just due to adjusting and learning how this poly thing works. So we learn from our mistakes and move on at a slower pace.

In the meantime, I have made another acquaintance that I have a growing interest in, and he seems to have an interest in me as well. We'll call him W. Hubby doesn't really approve because W has an egotistical (he calls it self confident) air about him. I find that I somewhat enjoy that he's honest about himself and his actions, and he's very predictable. I've asked hubby if I can pursue an platonic friendship with him, spend a little time with him and see how it goes. He might just grow on hubby too.

Another problem that lies with him, is that he also works with hubby. Not directly at the moment, but he will eventually be working side by side with him again. Hubby is nervous about sharing his circle of friends because he thinks that I'm looking at them all differently, and while I'm not using his circle of friends for that, I do enjoy their company, but I'm also keeping an open mind these days, in my eyes everybody has potential, male or female, his friends or not. I'm not pushing my emotions/feelings/attractions down anymore, instead I'm exploring them, and love that I can discuss them with hubby. Unfortunately, my access to single people is somewhat limited. Hubby doesn't want me using dating sites, and I'm fine with that, but the large majority of people that I come across on my own are married. Not that that in itself is a problem, but it's not like monogamous/nonmonogamous status is discussed among us.

The other thing is that for the most part I feel hubby is a good judge of character, and if he likes somebody, I feel that they are safe. His friends are good people and It matters to me that he trusts them and cares about them too. I would like that whoever I end up having relationships with also get along well with my hubby and vice versa.. that's important to me.

So we continue on with this journey.. open minds, open hearts. Learning from our mistakes and knowing that more will be made, and hope that we can learn from them too. I don't consider what happened with J a failure, but an experience from which I have no regrets.
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  #76  
Old 03-21-2011, 05:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh Jen, I can relate to you so much - how you want things to fall into place, you want to know where you stand, you need reassurance. I'm a control freak, too, and J. seems very much like my guy, Shorty, in some ways. He needs his space, for many reasons, and it has been a good lesson for me to back off and allow him that. I have a sense that you are coming across a bit too needy for J. Maybe he would like it if you wait and let him take the initiative instead of always responding to prompts from you. Give him some room. Let go the reins of control a little. I think the discomfort of not knowing how things will go and not steering everything the way you want it to be would be good for you. I have a feeling that you will encounter this kind of pushback-pullaway dynamic a lot until you get more comfortable with letting whatever is, just be.

Have you ever tried meditation?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #77  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:24 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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I guess I'm a control freak? I'm definitely heavy on the Type A, slightly OCD side. It's gotten worse as I've gotten older. At the same time I'm pretty laid back as far as friendships go. It's hard to offend me, and I'm very open with people. For me, the reason why I need that honesty, is because that's how I deal with my own insecurities. If I know upfront that he is dating somebody, or it's getting serious.. it's how I prepare for the end of what we have/had. He made it clear from the beginning that he was still looking for his person, and when he found her, what we had would have to end.

The girl in question (and I say girl, because she's 18, 8 years younger than him and still in HS even). I asked him about her before and he insisted that they were just friends, so I carried on. After seeing more of their interactions, she obviously was head over heels for him, and more and more he was reciprocating that when he didn't think I could see. When I asked him about it, he insisted it was nothing...but she seems to think it's more than that. That's something I'm not sure I can be a part of. If he wants to be unfaithful to her behind her back, then that's his deal, but I can't knowingly do that to her regardless of how I feel about him. I mentioned this to him, and asked him what his thoughts were, and that was the question in which I never received a response to.

It's not even so much that I feel like I need to know where I stand, or that I'm feeling controlling that I'm realizing he's not the right person. It's that hubby and I both feel like he has little respect for women in general, and we certainly don't feel respected in what we both asked of him at a minimum, which was honesty and communication. He only seemed to want to tell us what he thought we wanted to hear.

Does that make sense? It doesn't make me value our friendship any less, but as far as anything more than that, I just don't think he's a good fit.

I've tried meditation before, but it's been a while. And by a while I mean probably 10 years. Perhaps I should try it again.
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  #78  
Old 03-21-2011, 06:53 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
He only seemed to want to tell us what he thought we wanted to hear.
Ugh, this is a common problem I have found with most men, in general. Even the ones that tout being open and honest can't seem to handle openness and honesty coming from me and they usually pussyfoot around telling me everything, even when I ask. How many times I have heard, "Are you sure you want me to tell you?" Gah! I have a theory that their protective caveman instincts toward women come into play here, as if we're too fragile to hear the truth. It's frustrating!

Ah, well, if he's not the right guy, he's not the right guy.


And yes I do think you are a bit of a control freak, but I say that with great affection and a smile, because it takes one to know one. Most people don't think that of me because on the outside I'm so easy-going and appear unruffled most of the time, but underneath I am usually worrying about something not being the way it should be or the way I want. I can work myself into a tizzy. My soon-to-be-ex-husband couldn't stand it. I think the underlying dynamic of my always wanting to have a sense of control really harmed our relationship, unfortunately. Finding ways to let go really helps, and for that reason the unpredictable nature of my relationship with Shorty is good for me.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #79  
Old 03-21-2011, 07:09 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Gah! I have a theory that their protective caveman instincts toward women come into play here, as if we're too fragile to hear the truth. It's frustrating!
While that's one possibility, there are others...it's not always fragility. It may be avoidance of women's secret weapon...tears.
And then again, there's also something about Hell hath no fury like...what was that again? It could just be a survival instinct...the male equivalent of duck & cover.
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  #80  
Old 03-21-2011, 07:28 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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While that's one possibility, there are others...it's not always fragility. It may be avoidance of women's secret weapon...tears.
And then again, there's also something about Hell hath no fury like...what was that again? It could just be a survival instinct...the male equivalent of duck & cover.
THIS!
At least this is what my husband tells me when I find out that he has been "placating" me. He wants to avoid the need to "duck & cover" for what he imagines what my reaction might be.
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