Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 03-02-2011, 09:27 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,882
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
. . . since it's part of my nature, it's not exactly something that I can just tune out.

. . . I keep learning things about myself, and figuring out how to overcome them.
Glad to have shed a little light there for you.

About what I quoted above, sometimes we don't necessarily need to tune out or overcome the ways we are and behave. Often it's more helpful to simply accept these things about ourselves, and just let them be without judging or thinking we have to change them (you are a fixer! ). That's why I said, just know it's there, a part of you, and let it play in the background. Acknowledge it but don't let it rule how you approach things. That's not really tuning it out or turning it off. Then you can respond to what is, what is happening and real, in the moment. Eventually those old patterns let go of us.

It sounds like you both are doing good work on understanding yourselves. Sounds like a good space to be in. Bravo!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-03-2011 at 05:50 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 03-03-2011, 05:40 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,652
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
RP, while I do take your advice to heart, I also feel our situation is slightly different (as they all are). J has been a part of our lives for nearly 3 years, and going on 2 months of our journey, which I realize is short in the big picture, but has seemed like a really long time for me as far as being able to express myself and my feelings towards him completely.
I'm not sure how we differ that much... not that it matters, but the non-sexual boyfriend I have had has been in my life for over two years... Same length of time as Mono, I met them at the same time.

I have just been through a big moment in our relationship since just before Christmas...

As you say though, people are different... still, it could be nothing... or it could be major, you just won't know until you do it.

Sounds like you had a good night in any case.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 03-03-2011, 08:47 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

Yes, I can see how in the grand scheme of things it's not really a whole lot different. I do feel that it's the best way for hubby to be able to be okay with it because of his nature to over think.

Things are still going well. Hubby and J shared some messages where J said that he's really enjoying the closeness we all have when things are going well. Hubby also told J that he can take me on a date, and J responded that if he took me out, he also had to have super man dude time with hubby, haha.

They took a picture of them doing a man bear hug at work, and sent it to me which made my day. I have it set on the background of my phone and I grin from ear to ear every time I look at it.

Trying to think about today and not tomorrow or the next day, but I'm really enjoying the now and hope it continues.
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 03-08-2011, 06:10 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

Still here, and still have not had sex with J. It's been both frustrating, and good.. I've felt like we've had some good connections the past week and a half, and some good progress. He seems to be making somewhat of a conscious effort in giving us more time with him. Both one on one with me, and with the three of us. There hasn't really been much of an opportunity for him to hang out with hubby much, though we know that definitely needs to happen for the sake of their relationship.

While I feel like he has been putting in an effort there, I still feel like I'm constantly chasing him and getting very little in return emotionally. Some days are better than others. I want to back off, but I do miss him when we don't chat. I really enjoy his conversation (well, through text anyway). Some days he's very responsive and in to whatever it is I have to say... some days it seems like he is disinterested. He rarely asks his own questions, and that is frustrating for me. I'm trying not to have expectations, but to have NO expectations seems impossible.

I was having a down day today as J did not respond much to my texts, though to his credit, he has been sick for a few days. I feel like I'm not allowed to be bummed about it, since it was my choice to be here. I know that's not the case, but hubby doesn't know how to respond. He seems to think it's consistently negative with J, when it's not. Of course I'm partially responsible, because I try not to show my excitement with the good stuff that happens because I'm also afraid to hurt hubby's feelings when J makes me happy. I try and stay neutral either way, but it's very difficult.

I don't know, J is coming over tomorrow for dinner and to hang out a few hours before he goes to work, and I do want to pick his brain about some things, so maybe there will be more progress. I wish I wasn't so impatient to have answers NOW.
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 03-08-2011, 06:21 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,882
Default

Hi Jen,
This may be a case of J. being a "Yo-Yo Man" -- my term for a guy who just tends to back away when they sense a woman pursuing them, and who move closer when they feel the heat is off. It can be so, so subtle and yet incredibly frustrating. It is also a very common pattern that I have seen a gazillion times. <sigh>

I know when you're caught up in all this euphoria of wanting to be with him that the hardest thing in the world will be to leave him alone. But it could very well be the best thing you can do to give him space. Maybe he wants to pursue you and feels you're not giving him a chance, or he could interpret your chasing after him as being a little too needy. Stop texting for a few days -- really hard to do, I know -- but let him be. Take up knitting or something (LOL), focus on something else when your mind turns to him. He will come around, I can almost guarantee it!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 03-08-2011, 01:13 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

Oh girl, If I took up another hobby I would be in BIG trouble!! lol

Amazingly, and out of the blue had an awesome middle of the night conversation with J. I woke up at 2AM to a text from him that said he probably would need to come another night due to some roommate drama that has him out looking for a new house/apartment this morning instead of sleeping (he works mid shift). My brain turned on and I asked him about it which then turned into a 3 hour long conversation about a LOT! I'm pretty sure it's the most words I've gotten out of him ever.. combined, hah.

It did offer me a lot of insight to the person he is though, and it progressed into talking about our situation. He is hesitant partially due to his experience in his previous marriage, and also because he is still looking for "the one" and is afraid the deeper we get into this, the more difficult it will be when it comes to an end. I shared some of your words, and others that I have picked up along my posts and learning here and went to sleep (for an hour until the kids got up) feeling much better.

He doesn't want me to stop "chasing" so to speak, the reason why he doesn't reciprocate is because he views it as respecting my privacy, that my past is my past, and his main concern is about our future. That if I want to volunteer information then that's fine, but he wont pry. I do feel that a persons history is as much a part of them as the present and their future, and told him such. I don't think it will change the fact that he doesn't ask me much, but he did say that I can ask him all I want, hah.

All in all, it was a good conversation. I suppose I should pull all nighters more often and chat with him when he's at his prime.. awake, and at work! Go figure!
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 03-14-2011, 08:34 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

I haven't posted in a bit.. a lot has been going on. It's been bad.. good.. bad.. back and forth.

I don't know if I have the emotional energy to explain it all right now, but to sum it up. Hubby essentially hit a brick wall, and I couldn't do this to him anymore, so called it off with J for now. After some discussion we decided to take it back to the basics.. no physical affection outside of hugs really. Taking it at hubby's pace. I'm both comfortable and struggling with this.

In the meantime I'm starting to seriously doubt J's sincerity in all this. I don't know that he has the ability to give me that brutal honesty that I need.. and that is an absolute need for me.

There has been a lot of crying, reflection, more crying over the last several days. I'm just not sure what I can emotionally handle at this point.. my heart is heavy in so many ways. It's not all bad, it's just weighing down on me and I'm finding it hard to breathe.

Will post more as I sort through these feelings and make some sense of it all..
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 03-14-2011, 08:49 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,882
Default

Wow, Jen, I empathize with you. I think your lesson in all of this is to learn patience. Isn't this the second time you've made up your mind that J. wasn't where you want him to be with this and you can't do it anymore? Yes, give J. his space but why write him off?

I don't know how well-structured your life is, but that might help. Somehow you seem to let your mind wander to all possibilities and then find reasons to get upset when everyone isn't all on the same page as you, at the same time.

I see it so clearly because I do this myself. The hardest part then is to not make decisions out of these feeling!

Breathe, slow down, take stock of all the good things. From what your hubby's been posting, he's doing really well. Don't let yourself get impatient with J., as that won't help. Just because you feel the need right now for everything to fall into place the way you believe it should doesn't mean that that is what's best for you right now.

(((HUGS)))
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-14-2011 at 08:51 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 03-14-2011, 09:44 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

You are absolutely 100% correct. Patience is NOT one of my virtues.

I'm not sure J has ever been on the same page. I think a lot of the problem has been the way that this all happened to start and the speed of which it started. I don't know that any of us ever realized the amount of emotional involvement (this is before I realized what poly was, and what it was I really felt I needed). From the very beginning, I've stated that honesty was one of those needs for me, for all of us, so we can keep communicating.

It's hard how to figure out how to back off... it's been painful even. We seem to have such an amazing connection when we are around each other, not just me but when he's around hubby too... backing off seems to make the communication worse. That's when things are the hardest, when he's not around.

He's such a complex individual. He has all of these layers. He keeps a guard up it seems, from what I don't know, I feel like he lets it down when he's around and it makes me want him around all of the time, not the other way around. He's also very intelligent. He knows everything he does, which is another reason I get frustrated. I'm a pretty easy person to deal with as long as you are straight forward with me.... I don't get how that is hard to understand. I suspect that my expectations are too high. Again, the patience thing, it's hard for me.

I wont ever completely write him off.. he's our friend first and foremost. He may or may not be right for the kind of relationship I'm seeking.. but as long as he wants to be part of our family, he will be. We all love him, kids included.

I'm really trying to take everything with a grain of salt right now. I've been especially proud of hubby and the progress he's been making. I feel like I have him back, and he's my priority.
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 03-14-2011, 11:10 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,681
Default

What I see is that you have thought long and hard about what you want, but your husband is 100 paces behind you and J is 300 paces behind. The whole concept is new to everyone and I'll bet J is just as confused about how to act and trying to figure out if he is capable of dealing with the situation you desire as everyone else. Give it time and in the meantime just be for a while.

For me, just coming to the realization that loving someone else doesn't mean I don't love my husband any less and vice versa was a big step. I think the sex can complicate and confuse matters. What do you really want, another sex partner or J in your life and part of your family, even if there is no sex?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
marriage, mono poly, mono/poly, poly mono, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:24 AM.