Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 02-27-2011, 05:31 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

I felt our conversation last night was good. The only thing I'm concerned about is putting a time limit on it. Saying "well, lets give it one month, and if I don't feel better about it, it's off". I'm willing to work with that, I think it's fair that he is giving it more time, but I'm also afraid that he will just "make it" through the month knowing it can come to an end, rather than really honestly try and work through these feelings.

I'm also concerned that knowing that there is a time limit, I'll be trying to cram everything I can into it because in a month, it might be over.

I think one of the better aspects of last night was where we switched from looking at it in a negative light, to a positive one. What has REALLY changed in all of this? Looking at the big picture, the bottom line. I still am the same person. He is still the same person, and we still have that amazing dynamic between us. The sex is better and far more frequent. There is a deeper level of emotional connection. The big thing that's changed... time. I have to share my time between them.

It doesn't help that I've had extra derby things going on the last week, and have been slammed with work orders that also has me out running errands to get supplies. So my time is already spread pretty thin. I'm taking some time off of work because my family is way more important to me than making some extra money.

The guys never really did much together before all of this. I mean, J would come over and they would play video games and what not, but I was pretty much always here. When I was out of town for a week or so they hung out a lot.. but I don't leave too often. They work together (though not on the same shift right now), so they see each other there. Perhaps we need to work on getting them some more dude-bro time.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 02-27-2011, 05:47 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,785
Default

Yeah, giving it one month is such a short period of time. It can take many months or even a year or two, to find a healthy yummy sexy respectful way to open a formerly closed relationship. Be true to yourselves, don't give in to panic, read a lot, learn from others' experiences and hold onto your trust and respect for each other.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 02-27-2011, 07:37 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

A month might be short, but if I feel like garbage the whole time, how is that right? While I don't want to deny part of what Jen is, if it tears me up to see her with somebody else, then it just can't work. It's mostly just to make sure I can handle everything. It's not like she only has one month to experience it all.

Last edited by Beodude123; 02-27-2011 at 07:52 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 02-27-2011, 09:44 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
I felt our conversation last night was good. The only thing I'm concerned about is putting a time limit on it. Saying "well, lets give it one month, and if I don't feel better about it, it's off". I'm willing to work with that, I think it's fair that he is giving it more time, but I'm also afraid that he will just "make it" through the month knowing it can come to an end, rather than really honestly try and work through these feelings.

I'm also concerned that knowing that there is a time limit, I'll be trying to cram everything I can into it because in a month, it might be over.
There are more possibilities. What about saying that at the end of the month, there will be a renegotiation or an agreement to look at other ways to deal with it?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 02-28-2011, 02:00 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

I have to admit, the last week has been rough for me. I've been on 12s, and working all night. I'm a pretty light sleeper when it comes to kids, so I hear a lot. Trying to sleep with two tornadoes in the house was rough. So I've been very tired. The lack of sleep led to anger. Because of the newness of everything, I think I was focusing my new feeling (the anger) on the new situation (poly). So the last few days have been very negative. I also am a very physival person. I express my love with touch. The last week hasn't allowed me much time to have contact with Jen, so that has negatively impacted me as well.

With some sleep, some good snuggle time, and many tears, I feel much more positive. I know that what we have will never be diminished, even though the fear is still there. I know that I will never be replaced, and can never be replaced.

Still though, these completely rational thoughts have some very irrational fears behind them. I wish I could constantly focus on my rational thoughts, because when I do, everything makes sense. You can love more than one person, and it can be okay. But there will always be the fear.


So, I just have to keep talking, and hope things work out. Maybe posting here helps, because writing can help you get your thoughts together, in a way that segmented texting can't.

Thanks for everybody's support!
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 02-28-2011, 04:34 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

A month is not long and it does get easier over that time. You can say a month and change it even if you find you are doing better than you thought or need more time... a month, or any time frame is more to make sure there is an end date in order to know that there will be a time to talk it all out again....

The level of intensity might have a mind of its own and month might be too short, but you don't have to do it all at once... I'm one to talk of course. I do everything now! but PN often is not able and I find slowing down really helps the intensity of the emotions that need talking about.

Just so you know... it took Mono, PN and I until this past fall to come to a place where we feel secure, and balanced... what's that; a year and ten months? Ya, a long time... Rome wasn't built in a day... Derby and I are still working on our balance and various parts of our settled in relationship after a year. It takes time, patience and perseverance. You're doing great so far
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 02-28-2011, 05:07 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

Thanks Pepper. It wasn't so much the timeframe... It was the knowledge that if I can't accept Jen in a poly lifestyle, that my whole world wouldn't come crumbling down. With how I'd been feeling the last week, I needed that timeframe. It is very open to change, not unlike boundaries. But for now, a month seems like a good starting point. Jen truly means the world to me. I really figured that out last night (not that I didn't know it before, but you know what I mean). I wouldn't want to live without her. It is comforting for me to have a time frame. I figure if I can't come to terms with everything in a month, at the very least to be able to accept it all, then it probably won't happen in the long run.


Not that I would shut the idea down completely forever, but at this stage yes.

So, us starting as a mono relationship, and her switch to poly... I'd say we are doing well. All of us (J included) have our own struggles to deal with. While I feel like mine are harder, due to my inexperience with poly, and being the changee, I know it's not easy on Jen. It doesn't help that the last few weeks has been a big back and forth for me in terms of acceptance.

Every day we talk brings to light the reasons of why I feel the way I do. While it doesn't make the fear go away completely, knowing why it is there in the first place helps me to cope with the fear itself. My fear of loss (in a very basic sense) is very extreme, due to how much Jen means to me. I know that she won't go anywhere, but I think societal values pushes me to think that it can't work. It's hard to get around that, but I work on it every day.



Today has been a good day, and I'm feeling a lot better. I still have a lot to work through, but at least the positive is back, and I can move forward with that.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 02-28-2011, 05:16 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
My fear of loss (in a very basic sense) is very extreme, due to how much Jen means to me. I know that she won't go anywhere, but I think societal values pushes me to think that it can't work. It's hard to get around that, but I work on it every day.



.
Here's a little thing I wrote about fears of loss particularly with mono/poly relationships.

Fears of loss in a Mono/Poly relationship
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 02-28-2011, 05:22 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Good for you realizing how much she means to you and striving for attempting change in your relationship because of it. That is the hugest hurdle I think. If someone is willing to even attempt to allow change to come and to put everything on the table to do so, that is very brave to me. You can't ask much more than that. A month, a year,,, however long that takes.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 02-28-2011, 05:26 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

The worst part about it though, is if I can't accept it. I've told Jen I love everything about her. What happens when I say "I love everything about you, but..."? I don't want to deny what she has become, but at the same time, I don't want to put myself down to meet her needs.

I hope it doesn't come to that, because I know how happy it makes her. But it's just difficult for me to adjust to everything that's new.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
marriage, mono poly, mono/poly, poly mono, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:16 AM.