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  #31  
Old 02-25-2011, 09:22 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Great... I was hoping it was a fluke that they have been feeling stronger lately... Not very reassuring. Do you ever feel anger Mono? It's recently been added to my long list of emotions...

I think it stems from the inevitability of it all. While I have a choice in all this, ultimately I feel as though the choice is already made, and cannot be undone. I can't expect Jen to go back to mono, after all that she has experienced. But at the same time, I've hurt more emotionally in the last 6 weeks than I have in years. Like Jen said, where is the balance?

Above all else, I want Jen to be happy. But at what cost? Is my effort to fill her needs by allowing her to explore poly ultimately negative? If I'm always emotionally strained, that takes it toll on Jen as well. The dynamic of our marriage is pretty much that one cannot be happy without the other. It's been like that since day one. Usually it was a pretty simple balance... But now, I'm not so sure.

If I say that I'm not comfortable with the poly thing, and Jen does try to be mono again, I would imagine it would always be in her mind. Not always in the front, but if some guy seems really nice, and she wants to talk to him or something... Oh well, too bad. Hubby wouldn't like that.


I've also been feeling envious. As hard of a time as I've been having, I kind of want to try and see if having a poly relationship myself would open my eyes. I did have something of a poly experience a while ago back in college. I met a girl online, and was planning on moving (from Oregon to Florida) to live with her. At the same time though, there was a girl at school that I really liked. Nothing was able to form, since she said "but you have a girlfriend", and that was that. But there was that connection.

So, I'm kind of just sitting in limbo right now, not really sure where this all is going to go. J is coming over tonight for a big talk, so we'll see how that goes.
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  #32  
Old 02-25-2011, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
Do you ever feel anger Mono? It's recently been added to my long list of emotions...
I don't get angry...But I certainly feel frustrated at times. I have surrendered to just letting our destiny unfold. I am committed to us always looking out for each other and being family; that I can count on and have no doubt about. What will our differing natures lead to for us as a couple is unknown.

I don't see any way for us both to be completely fulfilled with respect to what we need/want from an intimate partner. We don't share philosophies about love...I am very mono and live partially mono (I love only one and have a somewhat closed relationship which is desired by many mono people), she is very poly and lives partially poly (she has several partners and has a somewhat open relationship which is desired by many poly people). But we are healthy right now...and happy and in love.

We have built something that has already defied the odds. We've overcome a tonne of social and philosophical differences but we always come down to the two main questions; 1) Can she have a level of open relationship that does not deteriorate the one we have? 2) Can I have a level of closed relationship that does not deteriorate the one we have?

This entire thing is different than your situation in one major way...I am the "other man". Her husband is also poly and understands her philosophy and how it feels to love more than one intimate partner.

If I were put in your same situation...I wouldn't even be here...it simply would not work for me.


If you have even a small interest in exploring poly for yourself I suggest you follow that. I truly believe that that is the only way to find understanding and develop a stable level of comfort with a poly partner. I don't need that level of comfort nor do I expect it...do you? There is no sadness in admitting this to myself....there is only acceptance that for right now it is definitely worth it
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  #33  
Old 02-26-2011, 06:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
...The dynamic of our marriage is pretty much that one cannot be happy without the other. It's been like that since day one. Usually it was a pretty simple balance... But now, I'm not so sure.

....I've also been feeling envious. As hard of a time as I've been having, I kind of want to try and see if having a poly relationship myself would open my eyes.

...So, I'm kind of just sitting in limbo right now, not really sure where this all is going to go. J is coming over tonight for a big talk, so we'll see how that goes.
I feel for you and you are being incredibly brave! You and Jen sound like you have a very similar relationship to mine and my husband's (and a similar situation - we were mono happily for a long time). I can tell just from reading what you both have written on here that you both love each other very much.

This is a really difficult time, but clutch on to what your heart knows: that she loves you and wants you to be happy and in her life! That is what is helping me get through my own "limbo."

If you think that exploring poly for yourself is a good idea then I say, by all means, try it. I have not personally gotten to that place yet, but I don't think that anyone should rule something out if it has a possibility for growth and most importantly if it brings you fulfillment.

It also sounds like J is a great man who completely respects you and your place in Jen's life. Maybe getting to know him better will help you to feel more secure. You are doing an amazing job already! I hope I get to the place where you and definitely Mono have already gotten to. Acceptance, letting go, trusting in love...these are all things I am working on for now.

Hugs! Hope all goes well tonight!
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  #34  
Old 02-26-2011, 07:28 AM
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Hi there. Just checking in... I have been reading, but really I have nothing to add that would be helpful at this point. There is really no answer, only movement forward with what you have until such time as its not working any more. That concept seems to settle with time. There isn't the same fearful, painful, achy, frustrating crazy making anguish, that you seem to be going through right now, forever. It comes and goes after a time.

I have become super aware of who comes in my life and how I feel about them where men are concerned. No one matches Mono in my eyes let alone is worth what he offers me. I don't know if that will continue, but for now I have just let it go and agreed to compromise... no rules, no boundaries.... just endless compromise. Most days I don't feel it.

Hopefully you will get to some semblance of normalcy back. Somehow change occurs when least we expect it... when it is forced it seldom seems to work out to everyone's benefit. The good news is that when you let it go the feeling is of much more happiness and gratitude for you DO have rather than for what you don't.... at least that is what I am experiencing.
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  #35  
Old 02-26-2011, 02:38 PM
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Thank you everyone, for your responses.

Last night did not go anything like I thought it would, in fact, quite the opposite. I'm feeling numb and even more confused.

The guys got out of work late, after midnight, and J who is admittedly less than punctual was even later by the time he went home and changed and whatever else he needed to do. It was coming up on 2AM by the time he got here.

Before J got here, I was trying to give Hubby lots of love. Other than repeatedly showing him my affection and telling him how much I love him, I don't know how to keep reaffirming him. I'm trying to do everything I can to make him comfortable, or at least tolerable while we work through the emotions. Apparently it had the opposite effect. He took it as me being so excited that J was coming over that I was extra lovey and he didn't know why he can't have that effect on me (which I REALLY don't get because he does!!). I was trying to keep pretty indifferent on J coming because I knew I was going to be presenting him with a lot of information and wasn't sure how he was going to respond. I didn't want to have expectations about his response, and while yes, I was glad that I would be able to see him, I was also nervous.

Hubby was really tired and had gone to bed, he told me to wake him up after we had our talk so he can put in his 2 cents. He came out about 5 minutes before J got here and gave me a big long hug and said... I can't do this anymore.

Punch. In. The. Gut.

I wanted to throw up. I couldn't believe that J was going to be here any minute and this was happening. I was trying to keep indifferent about what J might say, but when hubby said that out of left field it blindsided me. I wanted to cry, to scream, to vomit. I wanted to say okay, whatever will make you happy again, and agree to forget it. I couldn't do any of it, I just held him and hugged him. I had no idea how to respond because my emotions were everywhere. I felt torn and hurt.

I asked him if we could just get through this talk with J before we made any huge decisions. He apologized and said okay.

So J showed up right then, and hubby went back to the room so we could talk. J walked in and gave me a big hug and I just cried. Poor guy, didn't know what hit him. I told him I had a novel for him (I had written everything out to make sure it all came out in the right order and how I intended to say it), to grab a beer and come sit. So he read my book, okay it was really only 2.5 pages. We discussed it.

He apologized for not being truthful, for seeming to go back and forth about being in this. He said this situation is different for him. He's not used to being so accepted. He said that he DOES want to be here and in this with us. It's a change for him too. We talked about the things that I struggle with and he agreed to work harder on those and apologized for hurting me, and Drew in the process. He gave me a little insight on his inner workings. He even suggested that now that he has one less obligation during the week that he can probably come see me some evenings before work, which was nice to hear.

I sat there and hugged him for a long time, he kissed my forehead, and I was terrified that after coming to an understanding, as soon as I got hubby, it was going to be all over. That this was the last time I'd be able to be close to him.

So I went and got hubby, gave him a quick rundown of our conversation and he came out. It did not go well. He was introverted, and angry. He said he felt like he was walking around depressed and spacey. I felt outnumbered because with him acting totally out of character, I knew J wouldn't do anything that he thought was detrimental to our marriage so I was frustrated that he (hubby) wouldn't talk this out.

I don't want to say I don't feel like he's tried, I certainly think he has, but at the same time I feel like it hasn't been a fair amount of time of us being in a happy place for him to make a great judgment. That's not really coming out the way I mean... but it's so new in this whole experience, I mean we are about 6 weeks in from the first kiss, and this has been the 5th time J has been over in that time period. I feel so many of his feelings are based on thoughts of what he thinks will happen, instead of what is actually happening.

When J is here, we all get along great, and Hubby seems to ease up, but it's the time in between that it gets all jumbled up. After a while of getting nowhere, J cracked a couple of jokes, and hubby started to relax a little and come out of his shell. Of course then the conversation changed to a different subject and there I sat, full of tears still unsure of where this left us. I'm still there.

The guys held hands, I love it when they do that, haha. It gives me warm fuzzies. J told us that he loves us, I told them both how important they both are to me, and hubby said he loves us too. I feel that love when we are together, so I'm lost as to what happens in the middle. Hubby went to bed, and I was still left with no answers from him as to where this leaves us.

I stayed up with J for a while, we talked about random things and I hugged him and didn't know if I should feel guilty or comforted. He was getting tired and going to bed and asked if I wanted to tuck him in.. so I went and laid down with him for a while. I was torn between wanting to go in with hubby and be with him after this evening of hurt, and wanting to spend it with J since he is here so much less and I don't know if this is going to be the last opportunity I have. I couldn't sleep either way, didn't want to. After an hour I got up and went in with hubby. He told me how much he loved me, and I told him the same. Yet I still have no answers, and I feel lost. Unsure of who has to make the sacrifice. Torn between feelings.
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  #36  
Old 02-26-2011, 05:02 PM
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I'm sorry that you're struggling with this, Jen. *hugs* Wolf came out to me as poly a few years before I ever fell for someone. I had people I loved and was poly at heart, but didn't have that head over heals feeling for any of them. When Wendigo came along I never believed that it'd ever be anything more than me helping out a friend. Sometimes Wolf goes through a rough patch where he thinks it isn't fair, where he feels like I "stole" his best friend out from under him, and it hurts. I cry inside and wonder if I should break things off, but he assures me that would hurt him more. We're 20 months into this and I can tell you that things do get better, but no matter how much you love them, some of the work is theirs to do. You can't own it or you'll be constantly doubting yourself. *hugs*
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  #37  
Old 02-26-2011, 06:26 PM
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It is good that you are all talking about your feelings. It's great to get it all out. But be patient.

The hard part will be to remember that none of you necessarily has to act upon or change anything right away when difficult or stormy feelings come to the surface. You can sit with them a bit, let things settle down, before making any decisions.

Try to become aware of your thought process, in order to know which feelings are genuine responses that rise up naturally and which ones are familiar states that we know how to stir up with our thinking (and perhaps over-thinking) about stuff. If the thoughts start to race, and feelings bubble up that seem overwhelming, breathe and sink into your body. Do something physical, it helps.

All the best to you all.
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  #38  
Old 02-26-2011, 06:38 PM
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Your husband is faced with having to share two people he loves as well as the fear of both of those relationships changing and not sure how it will end. Have you talked to him about his feelings about his relationship with J? It seems this may be a significant factor in his struggles. Has J been able to spend time with just your husband since this started or is the only time the guys get together is with you there also?
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  #39  
Old 02-26-2011, 09:52 PM
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Just a note to give you a hug and to suggest not having these kinds of deep talks in the middle of the night when people are tired. Its better to call it off. Get some sleep and go for breakfast. Drama occurs quite easily when people are tired or hungry. Sometimes unecessarily. I also wanted to suggest that your men take you out of the equation and go do something together. Men process differently than women. That sense of being commrades that share needs to build.it won't with you around. They need to work on being metamours
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  #40  
Old 02-27-2011, 01:05 PM
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Well, yesterday was pretty rough. I might have bad timing, but I didn't say "I can't do it" lightly... When Jen said, "let's just get through tonight", it really hurt. So I started out yesterday pretty unhappy. I'm pretty sure I haven't been getting enough sleep this last week, so that could very well be why I've been angry... Anyways, I was feeling pretty depressed all day.

Jen had a Mardis Gras parade to skate in for her roller derby team. I really didn't want to go when I was at home, but it was pretty fun when I got there. It was sort of at a bad time though, considering all that was going on, and I really needed her with me. I got the kiddos home and in bed, and waited for Jen to get home.

Once she got back, we just snuggled for about an hour, talking the whole time. I cried a lot, more than I've cried before. It felt really good to get it all out, and I think we covered the bases of why I was affraid of things. I still have a lot of insecurities about myself right now. It's not easy to be everything to somebody for 7 years, and then have them say that they are more fulfilled now... We also talked about her time, and how much it means for me to have as much time with her as I can. She's been really busy with work and things, so I don't really get to see her as much during the week. I love every minute I get to spend with her, especially now with how close we've gotten. Having to share the few moments with another person is hard. So we talked about her not working for a bit, so we can get more time together.

I told her that I need a 100% from her, that if I can't do it, that she would stay with just me. But she said that she didn't think 6 weeks was enough, especially with how Jen and J really got on the same page on Friday (hopefully anyways). So I told her I would try my absolute best to stay positive about it all, but if I keep feeling like this for the next month, that I can't do it.

It's not right for me to sacrafice this much if I'm not happy. I like it when he is there, but it's more of our friendship that I cherish, and sort of not watch Jen and J as their own couple. Jen wondered if it would be easier for me to not see it, but if I am to accept them together, I need to see everything, and be there the whole way. If it's not in my face, it's kind of out of sight, out of mind. That just wouldn't work for me.


Sorry if things are jumbled up. It's been a pretty emotional week for me, and kids were up early...
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