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  #141  
Old 05-26-2011, 02:28 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Magdlyn ....so why did you get divorced ? I'm guessing your happiness was not in question.


I think what Beo is saying is he is having a hard time processing the difference in the way he feels about his wife and the way she feels about him. The "happiness thing " is just one example of the differences in their individual mind sets. He maybe looking at this from the quiz "she just not that in to me "prospective .....comparing his answers to what he thinks are her answers.

From what I've read he/they are working very hard at understanding those differences and trying to resolve them. But he's not wrong for feeling that way....in fact I'd be willing to bet it's quite common to have those feelings.

I wish them both good luck and happiness in this journey D
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  #142  
Old 05-26-2011, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Magdlyn ....so why did you get divorced ? I'm guessing your happiness was not in question.
I don't understand your question.
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miss pixi, 37
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  #143  
Old 05-26-2011, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I think that was probably the start of the downfall, when it occurred to me that it wasn't me making her happy like that.
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think what Beo is saying is he is having a hard time processing the difference in the way he feels about his wife and the way she feels about him. The "happiness thing " is just one example of the differences in their individual mind sets.
Dinged, I think you're a bit off. See the bolded part. It's not just a set of differences in feeling. Beo was feeling blue because he concluded that it was someone else making Jen happy (when she was with J.), and not him. That is why I posted my message about each of us being responsible for our own happiness, to which Mags added her perspective. When one pays credence to the idea that we should be the only ones "making" someone else happy (or that someone else should be making us happy), we naturally set ourselves up for disappointment. Happiness comes from within. Lots of things and people can augment it, inspire us, move us, but we can't be made to feel a specific feeling and it's not someone else's job to do that. People respond with feelings that originate within them. It is a good thing to have a partner that is moved and inspired by a variety of things and people because that means he or she is very alive.

Beo, I'm glad that you also said that you're feeling better and not getting angry right away or shutting her out. I know that was very painful for her as well. You will both get through this.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-26-2011 at 03:33 PM.
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  #144  
Old 05-26-2011, 04:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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cindie I maybe way off.... wouldn't be the first time .... Boe's feeling blue was because he concluded that it was someone else was making Jen happy....seen through his lens .....or his template. We all are going to see these situations through an individual perspective. "she the center of my universe why am I not the center of hers" .....she's all I want ....why am I not enough? Thats what I meant by the differences and perspective.


Magdlyn You said you are responsible for your happiness and you made a short list of some of the things make you happy ......I guess then you were happy in your marriage and it was your husband that asked/pushed for the divorce.


If we are all responsible for our own happiness....what about unhappiness? So in this case partner's and their word's and conduct can't make "us" unhappy.....right. Its a simple choice of seeing only good....don't let the bad or disagreeable in. I wish I could do that....not there yet.
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  #145  
Old 05-26-2011, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
If we are all responsible for our own happiness....what about unhappiness? So in this case partner's and their word's and conduct can't make "us" unhappy.....right. Its a simple choice of seeing only good....don't let the bad or disagreeable in. I wish I could do that....not there yet.
No, don't block out uncomfortable feelings. You feel them as they come up without judging or hanging on to them. You look at and see everything and know that it is all what you helped create. But they are your feelings and yes, you are also responsible for your own unhappiness. We have choices in how we react and respond lots of times, and then there are times when feelings just rise up in us organically. No one has the power to make us happy or unhappy (unless we give our power away to them, which is really just stepping back and not owning up to your own shit).
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  #146  
Old 05-28-2011, 11:09 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Magdlyn, you said you are responsible for your happiness and you made a short list of some of the things make you happy ......I guess then you were happy in your marriage and it was your husband that asked/pushed for the divorce.
No, not at all. It was pretty much a 50/50 decision. We'd grown apart after 30 years together. He had developed certain interests I wasn't interested in, and vice versa. Too many. Also, he had certain issues (low self esteem, jealousy, a hetero-normative mindset, etc.), and behaviors stemming from those issues. I just couldn't take it anymore... Couples counseling, individual counseling, and hundreds of hours of discussion between the two of us were ultimately fruitless. It was time to cut our losses and move on.

I put the word "make" in quotes in my previous post because I don't believe people make us feel a certain way. I prefer to put it this way: "When you do X, I feel Y." That's a basic communication skill. Using "I statements." "I feel" X. Not, "You drive me crazy! You're such a bitch." "You're pissing me off! You're a bad boy."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-statement

Quote:
An I-statement is a statement that begins with the word "I". It is frequently used in an attempt to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. It can be used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than saying they are caused by the other person. An example of this would be saying, "I feel angry when you make fun of my clothes, and I would prefer that you stop doing that," rather than, "Quit saying that crap, you're really making me mad!" (The latter is an example of a "you-statement.")
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 05-28-2011 at 11:11 AM.
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  #147  
Old 05-31-2011, 03:03 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Magdlyn, So are you saying your list of things that "make" you happy should be reclassified in some way. How many times do people here use the word "make " in a general sort of way to describe happy thoughts and actions similar to what you did in your list with out raising a semantic argument. I'm sure their couples counselor has also pointed out the "I" statement skill that you mentioned. Semantics aside he feels bad about not being the one "bringing" his wife enough romantic happiness that she doesn't have to look elsewhere.


YO ....Jen ....Beo jump in here anytime. . "I".. "feel" a little weird going back and forth on thread with no input from original poster.
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  #148  
Old 05-31-2011, 03:33 PM
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Wow, dinged, you sound a little angry or something. Maybe I'm misreading you... seems like you're picking a fight.

To me, it's really simple, we either feel whatever feelings naturally come up, and/or whatever we choose to feel; we respond to the people around us, but they don't make us feel anything. Things in our lives don't make us happy or sad, though their presence may elicit a response. We are responsible for how we relate and respond to those things and people and events. If I feel happy when I'm with someone it could be because their happiness is infectious, but it is my being fully present that allows me to pick up on that. It could be that I simply love certain things about them, which again it comes from ME, not that they are making me feel a certain way. OR, maybe it's just that I am happy with myself, feeling good about me, and my partner is in my vicinity, so it looks like my partner is "making" me happy. But that's inaccurate. Just think about the times when someone was trying hard to cheer you up, but you stubbornly remained in a pissy mood -- we've all done it. Didn't you hold onto it, despite all attempts from someone else to "make" you feel differently?

All we're saying is that both BD and JA are each responsible for their own happiness, and to nurture and support each other, but to focus on why she would be happy with someone else is like wondering why would she be happy when the sun is shining, or why she's happy when it's raining. She is happy because she is expressing herself and creating her own happiness. We have to get out of the thinking that it's our duty alone to satisfy someone we love, without ever allowing room for them to find satisfaction and happiness elsewhere. Why demand that the ones we love be squeezed into such a small, confining space?
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2011 at 03:55 PM.
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  #149  
Old 05-31-2011, 04:36 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Wow ....Not angry in the least bit.....just a debate......just reading things differently I guess. I heard what this guy said and understood (or think I understand) his perspective. Right or wrong. I don't disagree with what you have said about being responsible for your own happiness.....we agree I agree that outside activities such as the list Magdlyn provided bring people happiness I guess I disagree with the discounting or belittling of his feeling on this. Her actions or desires have elicited an unfavorable response.

Magdlyn I sincerely apologize if you got the impression I was trying to pick a fight with you ....I was not.

I have to use these little faces more...I always forget....
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  #150  
Old 05-31-2011, 04:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
. . . I disagree with the discounting or belittling of his feeling on this.
NO ONE has belittled his feelings!!! That's an insulting and shitty thing to say (but I do not feel insulted or mad, see how I choose my emotional response?).

We have only offered Beo other perspectives in a kind and loving manner, and have never belittled him or his feelings. I suspect you are projecting some interpretation of your own here on what we've been posting.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-31-2011 at 04:57 PM.
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