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View Poll Results: Do you actually have open relationships without any kind of limits?~
Yes, no limits at all.~ 6 14.29%
I have open relationships, but there are some limits.~ 26 61.90%
No, I have closed relationships.~ 4 9.52%
I'm not sure.~ 3 7.14%
Other.~ 3 7.14%
Voters: 42. You may not vote on this poll

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  #31  
Old 10-26-2013, 02:18 AM
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Mmmm, don't think she was being judgmental or hostile. Just stating her own opinion, which, yes, differed from the perception you expressed, but that doesn't necessarily mean she was trying to harass you (or anyone else) personally.

To me, she has a point. Circumstances are one thing; limits are another. Heck, even breathing: the circumstance is that we need air to survive. The limit is that we choose to breathe so that we can cope with that circumstance. So yeah, she has fair reason to draw a distinction from how I see it.

As for her calendar remark, lots of people have stated why they personally feel they need calendars and, as in InfinitePossibility's post, that doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to condemn people who don't use calendars. Just pointing out that people tend to have less compatibility if they're functioning by different sets of standards. In order to choose one kind of freedom, you often have to relinquish a freedom you may have wanted to freely associate with some particular other person.

I don't think anyone's trying to force anyone to do anything here, but I do see where some misunderstandings may have cropped up here and there. Yes, we should definitely be able to freely share our experiences, lives, and perspectives without being judged. That means that if one person's experience, life, and perspective differs from another person's, that one person should be able to feel like it's okay to express the difference without worrying that the other person might get bent out of shape over that difference.

A differing opinion doesn't necessarily constitute an attempt to start an argument. One person sees things one way, another person sees things another way. Seems to me that we should be able to interact in a spirit of peace despite that prickly reality.

I know it hurts me when someone thinks I'm somehow attacking them, and yet that's not at all what I'm trying to do. People deserve credit for expressing themselves civilly, regardless of whether our perspectives can all be harmoniously aligned.

And yeah, sometimes someone will inadvertently say something offensive or inappropriate. Which I hope we will all try to be patient and forgiving about. But I don't personally feel that SNeacail is guilty of that error in this case.

Sorry, but I guess I'm feeling a leedle more sensitive than usual today. I'd like to see us all get along a little better. That would be nice.

Respectfully,
Kevin T.

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OMG! It's like arguing with my husband when he creates his own definitions to common terms and goes on to berate anyone who doesn't understand this "new" definition.
What part of this is not trying to create an argument?~

No one is being berated here here, it seems like she is seeing an argument where there is none.~

I was not referring to her "calender" remark, why do people seem to think that "I" have a problem with some one else's way of living?~

I already stated that I do not.~

If people are going to pop up saying that I am berating, "have a problem with", and am arguing with every one, then they obviously have not read my posts and I'm starting to wonder if I should even bother responding to these kinds of accusations.~ *sighs, shakes head*
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Last edited by ColorsWolf; 10-26-2013 at 03:00 AM.
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  #32  
Old 10-26-2013, 02:43 AM
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Okay, you're fine with the thing about calendars, so that's good; no conflict there.

Sir, I do read your posts, I really really do. I mean, not on every thread, but certainly on any thread that I respond to. Unless it only counts as reading if I also understand it correctly? Well, I don't always comprehend things like I should; that's a fact.

Re: SNeacail ... maybe she's drawing a little from her frustrations with her husband, and projecting that onto the thread? I couldn't say.

As for me purportedly trying to create an argument: if I am doing that, then I'm really shooting myself in the foot, because for me at least, arguments are really wearisome.

I don't suppose we could just agree to let bygones be bygones and return our attention to the many good/edifying thoughts people have been sharing on this thread? It's overall been seeming to me like such a positive dialog, I'd like that to continue.

In all sincerity,
Kevin T.
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  #33  
Old 10-26-2013, 03:02 AM
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Okay, you're fine with the thing about calendars, so that's good; no conflict there.

Sir, I do read your posts, I really really do. I mean, not on every thread, but certainly on any thread that I respond to. Unless it only counts as reading if I also understand it correctly? Well, I don't always comprehend things like I should; that's a fact.

Re: SNeacail ... maybe she's drawing a little from her frustrations with her husband, and projecting that onto the thread? I couldn't say.

As for me purportedly trying to create an argument: if I am doing that, then I'm really shooting myself in the foot, because for me at least, arguments are really wearisome.

I don't suppose we could just agree to let bygones be bygones and return our attention to the many good/edifying thoughts people have been sharing on this thread? It's overall been seeming to me like such a positive dialog, I'd like that to continue.

In all sincerity,
Kevin T.
I agree.~

Don't worry, I wasn't directing that part about "starting an argument" towards you, but towards SNeacail's post.~

^_^

Love,

ColorsWolf
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  #34  
Old 10-26-2013, 03:31 AM
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Ah, but what if you're not allowed to pee yourself? See, now you're in trouble.
I realize this is directed at LR but..Prof and S have a peeing rule too, but that one is more suited to the BDSM thread.

And yes, Kevin, he broke the love rule, I haven't brought it up since: not to say I don't think about it.

I got into relationships with 2 people who started out with very firm ideas about restricting love and emotional attachment. It would seem that time and familiarity has led them to relax these rules as far as I am concerned, but this rule does not seem to be uncommon.
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  #35  
Old 10-26-2013, 05:08 AM
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No I agree, it's definitely not an uncommon rule.

So is Prof's "emotional indiscretion" with you going to lead to you and he not being able to have a relationship at all? It sounded like that was how the rules and their penalties worked.

Prof and S seem to have a thorough list of restrictions, if the list even covers pee-pee-ing. Oh wait, that one fell under the BDSM umbrella.

Is there a thread about BDSM rules/restrictions? Must be quite a read if there is!
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  #36  
Old 10-26-2013, 01:53 PM
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Interesting read so far.

Just wanted to add...I do not have a problem with calendars in day to day life. Hell, I need a calendar. Just on my calendar, I have 25 events for the rest of October and entire month of November. Quite a few will be attended as a family or just something for our children. I know that number will increase. Then, there is my daughter's calendar, which is ridiculous. Book fairs, bake sales, bump day, Parent Association meetings, attending church with her, morning tea every day, and so on. On top of the school related stuff, she has four upcoming recitals, weekly practices, birthday parties, sleepovers, and everything else. I also know DH's entire work schedule for the month. He tells me and our children's live-in caregiver about his plans no less than a week in advance, so we can all plan accordingly. We do need a calendar for day to day happenings like doctor's appointments, practices, extracurricular activities, etc.

What I hated was what that bloody "partners' calendar/schedule." Half of Sun with DH and the family for Mass and lunch. Sun night with her. Mon and Tues with him. Wed night-Thurs morning with her. Lunch with you on the second Thursday of 2014. Blah blah blah. It was a buzz kill, and I spent way too much time in motion. I never had alone time. There was nothing worse than pencilling them in for whatever reason or having to leave because the godawful calendar said it was so and so's time. The worst thing of all was scheduling windows of opportunity for sex. Maybe I was not in the mood from 9 AM-11 AM on Thursday morning. If I want to get my back blown out in the middle of the day to relieve stress or just because my hormones have spiked, I enjoy doing it now. That calendar was what I hated more than anything, and I will never, ever live by a partners' calendar/schedule again.

I have self-imposed boundaries/limits because, well, I cannot speak for anyone else, but I am rigid, structured, and firm in my boundaries, because I need to keep my bum in line. My boundaries have shifted quite a bit over the past eight months, and it stems from periods of introspection and knowing what I would and would not want again. Off the top, I prefer not to get some poor individual involved in my hectic life and lead them to believe that they will be able to change anything or expect anything different. I also enjoy my alone time and the charitable works that I do, and if I was in another relationship, those are the two things I would have to sacrifice to have one. I am not willing to do that or sacrifice time with my children and/or DH, so I am better suited for a mono style marriage at this point.

My personal boundaries and time limitations are not going to change until something needs to be changed. I enjoy the quality of my life and the fullness of my plate, and I am not missing anything by not dating others. If we were open and not closed, all of my boundaries like safe sex practices, no overnight visits, no PDA in front of my children, not wanting a primary or secondary, staying closeted, desires regarding scheduling/time, etc. would all be in effect. JMO.

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  #37  
Old 10-26-2013, 08:23 PM
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Re:
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"My personal boundaries and time limitations are not going to change until something needs to be changed."
Makes sense to me. Why try to fix it if it ain't broke?

Re: scheduling sex ... ahem, haha, guilty. Yeah I think I'm kind of bad at spontaneity. And here's my unique dilemma. I don't *get* in the mood like I used to (back in the good old days). So now I have to be "helped along" to get in the mood, and it *always* starts with me being nervous as hell and feeling like there's no way I could possibly get there. Well shit, if it's always going to be like that for me, then I guess, why not schedule it? One time is as good as another.

That and we've been trying to work it so these encounters always fall during the hours when brother-husband's at work (and probably working late that particular day). After all, he seems to cope so much better with the out-of-sight out-of-mind version of poly. Which means I cope with that better too, I'm way too paranoid to be worried about him being aware of what's going on. This rather means I am not destined to live a spontaneous love life, I'm actually more comfortable "limiting" my spontaneity than I am dealing with a flood of unknowns. Now that flood, in my world, is what makes for a mood killer.

So it's every Monday evening like clockwork for me and the good lady of our V, and yep, that's it for the week. Luckily her "encounter clock" is, well, as slow as mine is, so the "infrequency" don't really bother us. Actually even though she's not nearly the stressed-out type of person I am, she still shares in common with me that she doesn't generally unpredictably/spontaneously get in the mood. She has to ease herself into it too. So again, for her, one day is as good as another; why not schedule it, it's so convenient for us that way.

My apologies if that was TMI, . Just sayin', there's another example of a self-imposed limitation because, well, some limitations make us feel safer. One could always argue that's a sign of something being psychologically wrong with me. Yeah, and guess what, I got no problem confessing to that. There's definitely something psychologically wrong with me, has been since I was a kid. I take several meds and bury Mr. Hyde as best I can and that's how I live with it from day to day. Moral of the story? I don't know, maybe that crazy people need more gratuitous limits?

Oh well. Since it's been working for us, we don't feel the need to try to fix it. And that's the story of my sex life. Inspirational, ain't it?
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  #38  
Old 10-27-2013, 12:30 AM
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I have personal limits, boundaries, as it were, but they mark the point whereby my needs aren't getting met and so I have to change things in my life. I.don't believe in attempting to control someone else in order for them to be who I need them to be. My partner(s) are free to do as they wish with the understanding that some of their decisions may affect the way we interact. It might affect it negatively. Being free to do as you wish doesn't negate the fact that I expect due warning when something has happened that will change the way we interact. My partner is free to go bareback with anyone he wants without asking, but if he did and then didn't tell me before we had barrier free sex, I would feel betrayed.

So yes, I do have open relationships without limitations. That's why I do this poly thing: it encompasses all the things that I think are fundamental to healthy relationships in a way that you are forced to practice if you want to consider the needs of everyone involved. You have to trust your partners and their partners when you don't limit how they can interact. You have to respect how people need to interact differently in order to form emotional attachments. You have to acknowledge the needs of your metamour if you want partners who focus on maintaining relationships and you don't want to enforce protocols that go some way to guarantee that they do. Putting down limits and boundaries to control the behaviour of others seems like an attractive way of protecting yourself, but really it just sets an undesirable foundation for polyamorous relationships. One that assumes the people involved are going to behave unethically.
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  #39  
Old 10-28-2013, 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
I realize this is directed at LR but..Prof and S have a peeing rule too, but that one is more suited to the BDSM thread.

And yes, Kevin, he broke the love rule, I haven't brought it up since: not to say I don't think about it.

I got into relationships with 2 people who started out with very firm ideas about restricting love and emotional attachment. It would seem that time and familiarity has led them to relax these rules as far as I am concerned, but this rule does not seem to be uncommon.
I hope you all are happy!~ ^_^

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Originally Posted by london View Post
I have personal limits, boundaries, as it were, but they mark the point whereby my needs aren't getting met and so I have to change things in my life. I.don't believe in attempting to control someone else in order for them to be who I need them to be. My partner(s) are free to do as they wish with the understanding that some of their decisions may affect the way we interact. It might affect it negatively. Being free to do as you wish doesn't negate the fact that I expect due warning when something has happened that will change the way we interact. My partner is free to go bareback with anyone he wants without asking, but if he did and then didn't tell me before we had barrier free sex, I would feel betrayed.

So yes, I do have open relationships without limitations. That's why I do this poly thing: it encompasses all the things that I think are fundamental to healthy relationships in a way that you are forced to practice if you want to consider the needs of everyone involved. You have to trust your partners and their partners when you don't limit how they can interact. You have to respect how people need to interact differently in order to form emotional attachments. You have to acknowledge the needs of your metamour if you want partners who focus on maintaining relationships and you don't want to enforce protocols that go some way to guarantee that they do. Putting down limits and boundaries to control the behaviour of others seems like an attractive way of protecting yourself, but really it just sets an undesirable foundation for polyamorous relationships. One that assumes the people involved are going to behave unethically.
Oh Nature!~ Wow!~ ^_^

I know we disagree on some things, but with this I 1000% agree with you!~ ^_^

Personally, I think of myself as a river dancing in the wind, I'm a free spirit, always moving, always dancing, always singing, always free, I am one with nature and any one who wants to be with me must accept that if they are ever going to be happy with me.~

Honesty, openess trust, peace, and love these things are important to me.~ I agree that things may not always be one way or the other, but that's not what I mean.~ I mean that these "ideals" are important and so I want complete honesty, openess, and trust between all of my lovers.~ I want everyone to get along and to love each other, I wouldn't be able to handle it if my lovers hated each other or didn't even want to be in the same room with each other.~

I want to experience everything even creating and raising children, but I don't see these things as "requiring" any kind of "permanence" as children themselves are not "unchanging creatures", every thing changes, everything moves, why would you try to fight that?~ How is that in any sense of the word "natural"?~ I just don't see or understand how so many "modern Humans" see and understand "raising children" especially when they've had limited "success".~

I have my own ways and my own thoughts of how to raise my children if I ever do create and/or raise them, but these ways are not set in stone, no quite the opposite, these ways change and move according to life, my ideals, and my children's thoughts.~ I may have my own ideals of how to raise my possible future children, but how that turns out is up to everyone involved especially my children.~

Love,

ColorsWolf
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Last edited by ColorsWolf; 10-28-2013 at 06:56 PM.
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  #40  
Old 12-05-2013, 05:02 AM
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. . . I am one with nature and any one who wants to be with me must accept that if they are ever going to be happy with me.~

Honesty, openess trust, peace, and love these things are important to me . . . these "ideals" are important and so I want complete honesty, openess, and trust between all of my lovers.~ I want everyone to get along and to love each other, I wouldn't be able to handle it if my lovers hated each other or didn't even want to be in the same room with each other.
Well, it is good to know what you want. Someday, when you actually find yourself in one or more relationships, you can come back here and let us know if it worked out the way you wanted it to. Just remember that ideals are something to strive for, but that doesn't automatically mean they will or can be achieved.
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