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View Poll Results: Do you actually have open relationships without any kind of limits?~
Yes, no limits at all.~ 6 14.29%
I have open relationships, but there are some limits.~ 26 61.90%
No, I have closed relationships.~ 4 9.52%
I'm not sure.~ 3 7.14%
Other.~ 3 7.14%
Voters: 42. You may not vote on this poll

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  #21  
Old 10-25-2013, 08:01 PM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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This thread is so interesting, so many different perspectives.~ ^_^
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  #22  
Old 10-25-2013, 08:44 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColorsWolf View Post
The things that many of you are saying I don't consider "limitations" but "circumstances".~
OMG! It's like arguing with my husband when he creates his own definitions to common terms and goes on to berate anyone who doesn't understand this "new" definition. In most cases (examples people were giving), its the circumstances are the reason limits are created - the terms aren't necessarily interchangeable terms.

If you have kids, you can't just float through life without a calendar. My husband tired this and ended up missing events or needing to be in 3 places at once and we all suffered for it.
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  #23  
Old 10-25-2013, 09:04 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
OMG! It's like arguing with my husband when he creates his own definitions to common terms and goes on to berate anyone who doesn't understand this "new" definition. In most cases (examples people were giving), its the circumstances are the reason limits are created - the terms aren't necessarily interchangeable terms.

If you have kids, you can't just float through life without a calendar. My husband tired this and ended up missing events or needing to be in 3 places at once and we all suffered for it.
*like... *

*like...*

Where the heck is the like button... oops wrong social media site

My life is far too busy to not have a schedule.. I don't go by the book per se. But between work, kids, wife, gf, metamour, fitness, fucking, alone time and general life. I barely have time to piss let alone have much wasted time. I can't float like I used to..

There are people in my life who float.. like your husband. Since I can't control them and don't want to.. I just "do".. I am a doer. If they get left out of things, they either learn to keep up and they get left out. Life is far more simple that way. Luckily they understand and either take part or don't..
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  #24  
Old 10-25-2013, 10:25 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Meh... I have tons of pretty strict limits, but they limit what kind of relationship a partner can have with me (and lead to very very few folks being partner-compatible with me... which I can live with just fine ), not what kind of relationship they can have with their other partners.

No idea if that counts for the opening question, though.
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  #25  
Old 10-25-2013, 10:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
OMG! It's like arguing with my husband when he creates his own definitions to common terms and goes on to berate anyone who doesn't understand this "new" definition. In most cases (examples people were giving), its the circumstances are the reason limits are created - the terms aren't necessarily interchangeable terms.

If you have kids, you can't just float through life without a calendar. My husband tired this and ended up missing events or needing to be in 3 places at once and we all suffered for it.
I'm sorry, but I don't know what you are talking about.~

This is a peaceful forum and trying to create an argument where there is none probably wouldn't be appreciated by many people here, so I ask that you please try not to do so.~

This thread is a place where people can freely share their experiences, their lives, and their perspectives without being judged.~

No one is saying that the way they live their lives is "better" than any one else's, nor are we trying to FORCE each other to accept each other's ideals as our own, we are simply sharing own perspectives on these things.~

Please don't bring a judgmental hostile attitude into this thread.~
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*Believe in yourself, you can do anything*!~ ^_^

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Last edited by ColorsWolf; 10-26-2013 at 02:15 AM.
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  #26  
Old 10-25-2013, 11:14 PM
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Mmmm, don't think she was being judgmental or hostile. Just stating her own opinion, which, yes, differed from the perception you expressed, but that doesn't necessarily mean she was trying to harass you (or anyone else) personally.

To me, she has a point. Circumstances are one thing; limits are another. Heck, even breathing: the circumstance is that we need air to survive. The limit is that we choose to breathe so that we can cope with that circumstance. So yeah, she has fair reason to draw a distinction from how I see it.

As for her calendar remark, lots of people have stated why they personally feel they need calendars and, as in InfinitePossibility's post, that doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to condemn people who don't use calendars. Just pointing out that people tend to have less compatibility if they're functioning by different sets of standards. In order to choose one kind of freedom, you often have to relinquish a freedom you may have wanted to freely associate with some particular other person.

I don't think anyone's trying to force anyone to do anything here, but I do see where some misunderstandings may have cropped up here and there. Yes, we should definitely be able to freely share our experiences, lives, and perspectives without being judged. That means that if one person's experience, life, and perspective differs from another person's, that one person should be able to feel like it's okay to express the difference without worrying that the other person might get bent out of shape over that difference.

A differing opinion doesn't necessarily constitute an attempt to start an argument. One person sees things one way, another person sees things another way. Seems to me that we should be able to interact in a spirit of peace despite that prickly reality.

I know it hurts me when someone thinks I'm somehow attacking them, and yet that's not at all what I'm trying to do. People deserve credit for expressing themselves civilly, regardless of whether our perspectives can all be harmoniously aligned.

And yeah, sometimes someone will inadvertently say something offensive or inappropriate. Which I hope we will all try to be patient and forgiving about. But I don't personally feel that SNeacail is guilty of that error in this case.

Sorry, but I guess I'm feeling a leedle more sensitive than usual today. I'd like to see us all get along a little better. That would be nice.

Respectfully,
Kevin T.
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  #27  
Old 10-26-2013, 01:46 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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As others have posted so beautifully on the time limits I will add a little on the emotional/behavioral restrictions or limits.
Prof and S have a long list of restrictions, including no falling in love. If that is to happen to either of them or an outside partner declares love, then the outside relationship is to be ended.
I had a non-verbal declaration of love from Prof a few weeks ago. I know a fair amount of ASL and he did his own version of I love you using gestures and explanations. I wrote about it in my blog.
Kip and I started out as FBs. He was very clear that if I formed an emotional attachment or he felt he was, then he would end the relationship. This was his personal rule, not something he and his wife came up with. We exchanged versions of "I love you" a little while ago, but have been more vocal about deeply caring for each other, I think we are both more comfortable with that.
I understand the love limit, ( don't necessarily agree) it provides a structure and limits expectations until one sees how the other behaves.
I wouldn't personally try to limit someone else emotions that way, because I don't think you can. My limits are about time and safer sex practices.
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Last edited by Atlantis; 10-26-2013 at 01:49 AM.
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  #28  
Old 10-26-2013, 01:49 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
*like... *

*like...*

Where the heck is the like button... oops wrong social media site

My life is far too busy to not have a schedule.. I don't go by the book per se. But between work, kids, wife, gf, metamour, fitness, fucking, alone time and general life. I barely have time to piss let alone have much wasted time. I can't float like I used to..

There are people in my life who float.. like your husband. Since I can't control them and don't want to.. I just "do".. I am a doer. If they get left out of things, they either learn to keep up and they get left out. Life is far more simple that way. Luckily they understand and either take part or don't..
Ari-if you keep this up with Sneacail I'm going to pee myself laughing! OMG! You two made my evening!
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  #29  
Old 10-26-2013, 02:06 AM
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Ah, but what if you're not allowed to pee yourself? See, now you're in trouble.

@ Atlantis ... so are you in trouble now, now that Prof expressed his version of "I love you" to you? Sounds like that was a no-no for him, wasn't it?

That's always astounded me, how sometimes people can, well, agree, that "neither of us will fall in love with anyone else." I suppose there must be some people who succeed in carrying out that agreement? In my mind I think there's gotta be, but emotionally I just can't wrap my "heart" around it. "I'm going to pre-dictate my emotions." Really? Emotions of any kind seem to me to be hard (at best) to "dictate," and that's nothing compared to the difficulty of dictating whether one will fall in love.

Sure you have the ability to decide whether or not to *act* on falling in love, but that's not the same thing as being able to snuff out the emotion itself. I guess maybe if you thoroughly separate yourself from the presence of the person you fell in love with, then the feeling will go away? but for me, that's tended to make it worse. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and all that? As I said, I sure don't get how anyone can stop themselves from falling in love, but I'm willing to believe that some (many?) folks are able to do it.

Tough rule in my opinion, anyway. Rules about time and safe sex, heck yeah, anyone should be able to follow those (if they so choose), but not feeling a certain way? Damn, I get up in the morning with loads of anxiety, and I don't even know where it's coming from, let alone how to turn it off. Can I be a superhero and have that as my superpower? Sounds pretty sweet.
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  #30  
Old 10-26-2013, 02:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColorsWolf View Post
I wonder if there are people who have relationships and they actually consider their own preferences as "limitations"?~
I refer to those as "personal boundaries". They have nothing to do with my other relationships and everything to do with me.

I have to go back and read Kevin's reply...I think there is some good stuff in there.

I consider us to be "open" but there are some limitations...that would have to be negotiated. For instance, "fluid bonding" - we have a "condoms except amongst the three of us" rule - which is open to renegotiation if everyone agrees...or we go to condoms amongst us.

There are also things that we all agree would be ethically "bad idea" - for instance me or my boys sleeping with or forming relationships with my clients.

back to reading the thread...

JaneQ
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