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  #41  
Old 10-26-2013, 03:10 PM
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I am in a state of (semi) shock just now....K has actually reached out to me through facebook. I do alot and typically get no response. He sent me a link to today's CNN article on poly.

I am slightly overwhelmed, believe it or not. a pretty nice overwhelmed though.
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  #42  
Old 10-27-2013, 06:12 AM
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Great news; sounds like his way of opening up (if just a little)!
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  #43  
Old 11-03-2013, 06:05 AM
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Default some progress

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...608#post244608

PS to the mods, I intended to post under the "how you doing thread," then felt like including it mine. If this type double posting is not proper forum etiquette, let me know.

Last edited by dali5671; 11-03-2013 at 06:09 AM.
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  #44  
Old 11-03-2013, 06:46 AM
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Keep in mind, I am not a moderator. But my guess is your link to the other thread will be fine.

I read your post on that other thread. It looks good. Sounds like you're getting better at "trying on your wife's shoes," as well as taking a dare and let K even closer into your lives by taking him to the movie.

I'm of mixed feelings about how good the movie'll be (I've read the book), but so far I've been hearing good things about it.

Anyway, sounds like you guys are moving closer to the dream of being a tight-knit poly clan, and that's a good thing.
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  #45  
Old 11-30-2013, 03:53 AM
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Yes, that's my dream, but I think it will remain a dream. Dagferi is right, but it will never be a triad in my estimation. I'm finished trying to even attempt to communicate with him about the relationship, it's pointless, unnecessary, I'm wasting my time. Things are clicking along fine without it.

I know she felt sad yesterday as she had invited him to share Thanksgiving with us, his place she had set for him at the table went unfilled.



In the meantime, we have joined some local poly groups and I am digging meeting like minded folk who are happily living this life. There are discussion and social groups, and we've met some exceptional people. It's easier having friends who know and have confronted all aspects of a poly existence. Even though K will rarely pass up an opportunity to spend time with my wife, he seems pretty determined to avoid these scenes. Which is cool, no point in pushing that with him either.

The groups are not billed as hookup meets, but it seems very possible we may make friends we can connect with on many levels. We've discussed the possibility of getting together with a few outside the meetups, and this is something we're looking forward to, although my wife has questioned her ability to accept it if I were to develop feelings for another as we projected several scenarios.
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Old 11-30-2013, 06:26 AM
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Some of your communication issues sound related to the natural differences between how men and women communicate. I just returned from a Women's Weekend workshop (focused on monogamous relationships but a lot of the same ideas apply) and we learned a lot about communication between the sexes.

While women like to talk about their relationships and feelings, they get frustrated when their men don't share the same amount of emotional energy in the same way they do. In general, women communicate with words, men communicate through actions. Poly men seem more adept at communication with words than usual, but this guy seems less comfortable with being poly than you, so he's probably more of an action's communicator. Look at what he does instead of what he says or doesn't say. Do his actions make your wife feel loved? Are his actions friendly and welcoming towards you?

I'm not a man so I'm not sure exactly how this works, but I would suggest you try communicating with him "like a man." Find "man time" activities you can bond over, sports, beer or whatever you dudes like. Think about other men that you have close (friendship) bonds with and how you interact with them. He's probably more comfortable with this kind of communication than getting all emotional and complex and wordy.

And help your wife to relax about his lack of communication...if she were to talk to any of her woman friends about their husbands she would get an earload of "my husband is the same way," "can't talk about 'us'." She's probably spoiled by your extremely good communication skills and thus expects him to be the same.
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  #47  
Old 11-30-2013, 02:09 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"Find 'man time' activities you can bond over, sports, beer or whatever you dudes like."
Haha, a certain reference comes to mind about the moon being really bright tonight, and making a fire and having drum circle.

Anyway SparklePony, that was a good and timely post. A good slice of perspective. I remember one of my male married friends saying, "My least favorite words in the whole world are, 'We need to talk about the relationship.'" Some men just have a terrible time trying to sort out and articulate their feelings. And listening -- truly listening -- to the other person speak can be a hard thing to do. "It sounds like she's criticizing me for all my bad points, and yet I have to somehow re-interpret that as a desire on her part to hear me say, 'It must be hard for you to go through all that stuff. I just want you to know that I do love you and that my desires to help you are sincere.'" And sometimes the right answer to a woman's complaints is just to gather her into your arms. It's hard sometimes for a man to know what the right thing is to do or say!

@ dali5671 ... It looks like you're headed for a V configuration in which the two legs/ends of the V only have a minor friendship or even just an acquaintanceship. Which isn't necessarily bad per se. It all has to do with what works for the three of you, as you're all three unique individuals.

Carry on and I hope we can continue to help!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #48  
Old 11-30-2013, 03:11 PM
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Had a feeling things were going to go this way.

My advice is if your wife wants I in her life she needs to relax and enjoy the ride. Do not push for the attendance at poly events or etc. Murf would flip the fuck out if I asked him to attend a poly event. Why? Because he isn't poly. He wants to enjoy his relationship with me without pomp and circumstance. Heck I feel like he does. I have no urge to attend such events either. Butch is a social butterfly so he attends local munches and etc.

Your wife also needs to not be so self centered. She needs to ask herself why its it ok for her to date someone but for you she is not comfortable with it.
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  #49  
Old 11-30-2013, 03:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
. I remember one of my male married friends saying, "My least favorite words in the whole world are, 'We need to talk about the relationship.'" Some men
Not just men, that line brings on a gag reflex with me too...I hate over processing and analysing every little tiny thing that happens in a relationship, why can't people just enjoy the people they are with I'll never know.....
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  #50  
Old 11-30-2013, 03:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Not just men, that line brings on a gag reflex with me too...I hate over processing and analysing every little tiny thing that happens in a relationship, why can't people just enjoy the people they are with I'll never know.....
Same here.. I do not need to talk about or overanalyze every aspect of my relationships.

If my guys actions show me they care. I am happy. I do not need constant verbal affirmation. I also can not deal with someone who needs that kind of relationship.
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