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Old 09-03-2014, 07:11 PM
Attarax Attarax is offline
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 10
Default Feeling like a Sex Camel and other annoyances...opinions would be appreciated.

I haven't been back here in a while, life and work have a tendency to just up and go when I think it's "down time".

I don't know really how to put this in words but I guess I should clarify the Sex Camel bit.

You know how it's said that Camels can go for a long time without water? Well...that's how I've been feeling lately about Sex.

It's not that I'm not interested, I do think about it (fantasize, plan, etc.) all the time, but there's that little voice in my head that just goes. "no." Not loudly, not meanly...just an overall sense of "meh, you know it's not worth the time, clean up, effort...etc." and it just goes downhill from there if I try to argue with it.

It's an ongoing conversation between my hubby, boyfriend, and I. I know they get annoyed with my "no" voice. Because it's just there.

So, I guess that's the first problem. How do I, or what should I do, when that "no" voice pipes up? (Besides drinking it into submisison...cuz really then I just get sleepy)

Secondly, I do love my boyfriend...I'm just not sure the feeling is in love versus love versus deeply care and are affectionate towards, but it's not him...again it's me. I don't know if I CAN really be in love with him because of my own feelings of:

1. He should find someone of his own.
2. This is just temporary...and if it's not it should be because he has so much potential.
3. I'm tired, old, and cranky and seriously too much crazy to foster on this poor guy.

Thing is, my hubby likes this one a lot. Not sexually, but more...well, this is the first "3rd" that my hubby actually sat down and asked me not to be overly mean to this one...that when/if it ends to let this one down gently because he really likes him, because he's a really great guy...etc. etc.

I don't know where I was going with this post, I guess I just had to ramble and rant a bit. Opinions would be appreciated, maybe insight that I am sorely lacking.

I've decided to finally try therapy...but am slightly worried about being able to find a poly friendly therapist...because I do believe I'm at that stage where if someone in authority tells me that this is bad for me..I'd probably crumble cut and run with it. *sigh*
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Old 09-03-2014, 08:51 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 134

If you're at the stage where if a therapist said it was bad for you you'd "crumble" I'd say you might already know in the back of your mind that this isn't for you. There is no shame in admitting that you're not into it at this time. And without 2 guys to satisfy that whole sex thing can go from a requirement back to a want.
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Old 09-03-2014, 08:53 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 754

As far as the Sex Camel thing, I can relate. I go through phases like that at least a couple of times a year. And Hubby is a complete camel; his last sex partner before me was four years before he and I met. When we first moved in together, I had to remind him that sex was an option, because he would just plain forget he had a readily available sex partner.

If you aren't feeling it, don't push it. If you have sex just because husband or boyfriend wants you to, they're going to know you aren't into it, and nobody's going to enjoy it. Just give yourself permission to not have sex, and tell them that their getting annoyed isn't putting you back in the mood any faster. You need NO pressure.

When the "no" voice pops up, say no. Simple as that. Your body, your mind, your decision. As Hubby says, it's a two-yes system (or three, if you're doing a menage); if everyone involved isn't saying yes, it doesn't happen. End of story.
Me: 45, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: male, 45, undetermined
My daughters: Alt (age 20) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
Guy: ex-boyfriend, now confidant
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:02 PM
Attarax Attarax is offline
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 10

Thank you both for your insights and opinions, I really do appreciate it.

Yes, I think there may be that small part of me that is chomping at the bit for any reason to bolt...but that's how I've always been it seems. This time though, it feels like I'm on a perfectly functioning airplane but am contemplating sky diving. o.O

As for the sex and the no voice, I guess what really gets me is that it IS me. Both the hubby and SS are very supportive of whether or not I want to. They are fine (though at times...perhaps when it's reached the 3 month mark of my cameling they get kinda grumbly) with how I am and are more distressed for me because I feel the pressure coming from myself. I WANT to. There are times it's perfect and I WANT to..but then I go "...nevermind." and go back to a puzzle book, reading, etc.

I think therapy will be good for me...a way to truly talk it out with someone that has no outside influence. I've actually talked it over with both the hubby and SS ... what would happen if the therapist says Poly is wrong. My hubby, knowing how I am with people "in authority" (I'm ex military, brought up by a very strictly religious also military mother/family) told me that if that happens, then I find a new therapist.

Not because it's not an answer I wanted to hear, but because he believes that a therapist is supposed to help not hinder, that they should be open minded and not let their own bias run the course of a session.

To tell the truth, I think maybe I'm just freaking out because everything is going well...I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, or something bad to happen because then it balances everything out...that and maybe, just maybe, I'm hitting that wierd mid-life crisis point.

Where normal society...people who hit midlife crises go out and cheat, do crazy things, etc...I'm already in a "crazy thing" so...do I rebel by going monogamous? *lol* j/k

bah. I think I'm a bit done for the day. Should go back to work. Thank you again though for letting me vent.
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,872

You mention midlife crisis... If you are of age could it be perimenopause affecting your libido? Spacey thoughts? The meh/blahs?

I mean, there are so many symptoms related to that. Have you had a recent check up?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2014 at 01:23 AM.
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:21 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,418

First off - I want to say that I totally understand THIS:

Originally Posted by Attarax View Post
1. He should find someone of his own.
2. This is just temporary...and if it's not it should be because he has so much potential.
3. I'm tired, old, and cranky and seriously too much crazy to foster on this poor guy.
This was my thinking the first 6 mos- 1 year that Dude and I got together. I kept pushing him away because I thought I would "get in the way" of him finding a "real" girl (despite the fact that he, in fact, was not particularly looking).

First off, the "should", we might want to get rid of this mode of thinking - with ourselves "I should do this/feel this/want this." (vs. I do or I could); and, sceondly, who are we to decide what other people (like our boyfriends) should do? They are adults, in charge of their own lives. If they choose to be with us, and we desire them to be in our lives, then it is their call if it is worth it to them.

Then, the Sex Camel part - I'm going to take a different track than the other responders. When you find yourself saying "no", when you want to want to say yes...ask yourself "why not"? Then give yourself permission to say "yes" if you are merely feeling indifferent or not sure. Might not be the GREATEST sex, BUT you may find that, if your boys are attentive to your turn-ons, that you might find yourself getting to YES! in short order.

I have pretty much the opposite reaction to authority figures than you do, but what happens for me - my boyfriend will suggest sex and I will reflexively say "no" - just because he asked and "you can't tell me what to do". (Don't ask me where this comes from! - I honestly don't know.) I have been learning to stop, and assess - if I really don't want to have sex (too tired, too grumpy, not enough time, whatever) then I say "no". But, if I just hadn't considered the possibility and am saying "no" out of habit/lazy - I tell myself there is no reason not to say yes - I might find myself really enjoying myself and, if not, we can always STOP. (Dude and I have had multiple conversations about this, I make the effort to say yes when I am on the fence and he makes the effort to not pest/pout if I say no/stop - all part of us learning how to relate to each other.)

Don't know if that helps.

For the record: I think that therapy, if you find a good therapist, is never a bad idea.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 09-04-2014, 12:20 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 120

I think Jane had some good things to say. If you want to do it then cultivate habits of doing it. Obviously if you don't want to then you shouldn't, but if you theoretically want to have more sex and you enjoy it once it happens then it's probably just about getting into a habit of thinking yes rather than no.

I'm not usually aroused before we start but I get very into it once we've already begun. If I waited for arousal before beginning I'd never do it. As it is hubby and I rarely go more than a day without doing and I'm really happy with that frequency.
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Old 09-05-2014, 05:21 PM
subHubby subHubby is offline
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 17

Please forgive me, I'm not making light of your situation. When I saw the camel reference, I couldn't stop thinking of that commercial. HUMP-Daaaaay! I had some crazy idea that there was a humping pun somewhere. Maybe there was a camel in the story that humps twice as much as the other one.

That me. Sometimes I'm the clown.
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