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  #1  
Old 08-22-2015, 04:21 PM
polypet polypet is offline
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Default Feeling excluded in poly relationship

I have been in a long distance Dom/sub poly relationship for several years. I deeply care for both of the people in our relationship, however, I have always felt intentionally excluded by my Dom. A year into our relationship one of the girls moved in with him and I am happy that he has her with him, but the moment she took that step he ranked us. She has become the love of his life and "alpha" in the relationship (his words). He affords her many privileges that he says are exclusively hers. I understand that she is in his home and I am not, however, sometimes I feel like he tries to make me feel less than and excluded by constantly giving me reminders that I am not her. I love him dearly and I love her as well. I am generally happy in the relationship, but these little reminders are painful to swallow. Am I within my right to feel this way?
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Old 08-22-2015, 04:34 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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well he certainly shouldn't make you feel that way intentionally. have you talked to him about it? i think the fact that she lives with him and you are long distance definitely makes being fair harder.
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Old 08-22-2015, 05:03 PM
AJM AJM is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polypet View Post
I have been in a long distance Dom/sub poly relationship for several years. I deeply care for both of the people in our relationship, however, I have always felt intentionally excluded by my Dom. A year into our relationship one of the girls moved in with him and I am happy that he has her with him, but the moment she took that step he ranked us. She has become the love of his life and "alpha" in the relationship (his words). He affords her many privileges that he says are exclusively hers. I understand that she is in his home and I am not, however, sometimes I feel like he tries to make me feel less than and excluded by constantly giving me reminders that I am not her. I love him dearly and I love her as well. I am generally happy in the relationship, but these little reminders are painful to swallow. Am I within my right to feel this way?
It sounds like he's setting the pecking order. No one wants to feel like they're on the bottom of the ladder. You should speak to them (him?) and express your feelings.
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Old 08-22-2015, 05:22 PM
polypet polypet is offline
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Originally Posted by AJM View Post
It sounds like he's setting the pecking order. No one wants to feel like they're on the bottom of the ladder. You should speak to them (him?) and express your feelings.
He is setting the pecking order, however, I know I am not at the bottom as he has other girls as well and he has made it clear I am number 2. I do not expect to be at the top as that is not possible and his live-in deserves that position, he just tends to remind me of my position more than needed and it feels like he rubs it in my face that I do not deserve to be awarded privileges.
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Old 08-22-2015, 05:32 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Why do you allow him to treat you this way?

You are the one who controls how you are treated in your relationship.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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Old 08-22-2015, 07:50 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi polypet,

I can completely understand why your situation is upsetting for you.

I'm interested to understand more. Under what circumstances does it get rubbed in your face? What brings it up? What kind of things are said?
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Old 08-22-2015, 08:46 PM
AJM AJM is offline
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Originally Posted by polypet View Post
He is setting the pecking order, however, I know I am not at the bottom as he has other girls as well and he has made it clear I am number 2. I do not expect to be at the top as that is not possible and his live-in deserves that position, he just tends to remind me of my position more than needed and it feels like he rubs it in my face that I do not deserve to be awarded privileges.
Sounds like everyone is playing their DOM/SUB role in this one.
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Old 08-22-2015, 10:14 PM
LizziE LizziE is offline
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Originally Posted by polypet View Post
...his live-in deserves that position...
whoa, whoa, whoa

I just want to make sure that you're clear that that isn't a fact or anything. You don't "deserve" to be #1 because you live together. If I (or Jon) fell in love with someone who was severely allergic to cats (Jon and I have four), chances are that our severely-allergic love could never share our home. But not sharing our home wouldn't necessarily make that person secondary.

If your Dom decides that this other partner is #1 for any reason, that's between them (and you, to the extent that it affects you and could cause you to reconsider your feelings), but there's no "rule" that live-ins always deserve to be #1.

I'd also like to chime in with the PPs - in what ways is the brought up to you that is unpleasant? Have you talked to you Dom? Are you sure you're OK with the dynamic that you have, and that it is worth the pain?
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Liz: cis female, 33, bi. life partner Jonathan, also dating Issi
Jonathan: cis male, 30, bi. life partner Liz

Issi: queer, 32, dating Liz, married to Jared
Jared: cis male, 33, straight, married to Issi, formerly dated (and still good friends with) Liz.
Rachel: cis female, 32, bi, life partner Rob, former non-sexual potential life partner to Liz (still good friends)
Lora: cis female, 27, bi, ex-partner of Jon


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  #9  
Old 08-22-2015, 10:29 PM
polypet polypet is offline
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Originally Posted by LizziE View Post
whoa, whoa, whoa

I just want to make sure that you're clear that that isn't a fact or anything. You don't "deserve" to be #1 because you live together. If I (or Jon) fell in love with someone who was severely allergic to cats (Jon and I have four), chances are that our severely-allergic love could never share our home. But not sharing our home wouldn't necessarily make that person secondary.

If your Dom decides that this other partner is #1 for any reason, that's between them (and you, to the extent that it affects you and could cause you to reconsider your feelings), but there's no "rule" that live-ins always deserve to be #1.

I'd also like to chime in with the PPs - in what ways is the brought up to you that is unpleasant? Have you talked to you Dom? Are you sure you're OK with the dynamic that you have, and that it is worth the pain?
I respect and love them both, and I know they both care deeply for me. When we met she did not live with him, but she took a big risk and uprooted her life to be with him. For that giant display I can understand that she stole his heart in a way that no other woman can.

We speak daily, but the distance does make it difficult for us to create a bond that is similar. I think at this point he will always love her more than anyone else in his life.

With that said, when we are discussing relationships he will make comments such as "you are second to none except her" or as our relationship has changed I lost sight of what to call him, the only fitting name for our relationship would be Daddy as he is a daddy dom type, but he will not allow that because that term is exclusively hers to call him.

I am content in the relationship in most ways, and I would not want to risk it over this issue. This is why we have not discussed it because he would consider my bringing it up as an affront to her.
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  #10  
Old 08-22-2015, 10:51 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dagferi View Post
why do you allow him to treat you this way?

you are the one who controls how you are treated in your relationship.

.....and that's all there is to it.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 08-22-2015 at 10:55 PM.
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