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  #1  
Old 10-22-2013, 10:17 PM
Revenwyn Revenwyn is offline
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Default Reconnecting with childhood love and giving polyfidelity a try.

Sorry if this summary is too long. It is indeed a summary.

I am a 30 year old female who has been married for four years.

I grew up in a conservative homeschooling movement, aka the Quiverfull/Patriarchal movement. As I was an only child, we were not Quiverfull, but I still was taught a lot of things the patriarchal movement believes. This includes, you do not marry the one you love, you love the one you marry, wife submit, pop out babies, etc. Dating was forbidden, a parentally approved "courtship" might be allowed if the guy was approved by your father, otherwise he would find a spouse for you.

While I was homeschooling, I formed a very deep connection to a guy about eight months older than me. I went through a lot of very socially awkward things as a teenager (including a hair loss disorder) and this guy remained my only friend. I met him when I was 11, he became my friend quickly, and though there were often times we did not see each other for months or even a year on end, every time we did have a chance to talk to each other it was an instant, deep connection. During our teenage years we were involved in the homeschool speech and debate, and when we were first getting started he refused to debate because he saw that I was not going to be partnered with anyone else in the club. What ended up happening is that the club leaders grudgingly partnered us together and the results were scary. Normally in debate, as your team listens to the other side you pass along notes to tell your partner what points to address in their cross-examination or next speech. We didn't need the notes. It was almost as if we could look at each other and understand each other exactly.

We were also "rebellious" in our teenage years; we never had a chance to call ourselves a relationship or anything, and apparently "rebellion" was sitting at the same table while eating lunch at a fast food restaurant.

Our families kinda suspected that we had romantic feelings for each other even though we had never as much as held hands or said that we loved each other (simply because it wasn't allowed.) I bring this up because when I was 17, his family moved two states away, shortly afterward telling me that he had died in a car accident. I grieved for years.

I was 21 when I met my husband, and to be honest, I was still grieving the loss of the one I considered to be my soulmate. My family did not approve of my husband either. Eventually they kicked me out and we started our marriage homeless. Today is 4 years from the day that I was kicked out.

One year into my marriage, I found out that my soulmate's parents had lied to me about the fact that he was dead. He wasn't. He had apparently been lied to about me as well, told that I was dead also in a car accident.


It's been a crazy three years since. I decided to write him (I had my husband's permission) and I thought that with ten years of no contact between us, things would be dead and over, that we would have changed too much. But his response proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were definitely not. For while we had both changed, we changed in the same direction.

Early January he admitted that he loved me, and that part of the reason he was still unmarried was with the hopes that his parents had lied to him. And I deeply love him and deeply love my husband as well, and all year I have been agonizing over the idea of having to make a choice between them. Meanwhile my husband understands that I love him and that I have never been able to stop, even though I tried. Even when I thought he was dead I was never able to stop loving him.

A week and a half ago my husband said that he would be welcome into our life, and that he realizes that if this happens he knows I would be just as committed to this as to my marriage.

So there we have it. It hasn't started yet, we're still several states away from each other, but the idea has been brought up and has been decided that this is what will be happening.

They are both bisexual, but we're starting with him just partnered with me, and if things work out, then possibly with each other. But nobody outside of the triangle.

God, I'd be married to them both if it were legal.
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  #2  
Old 10-22-2013, 11:33 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Hey - this sounds crazy and impossible and amazing - and you're doing it anyway. Good for you!

I could say more, but right now, recognizing that you have a wonderful husband and a love from your past, and that you three are willing to give it a try - why say more? Good luck with everything... and keep writing!
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  #3  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:52 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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That is an amazing situation, thank you for sharing. Please keep writing and asking questions.
Encourage your partners to come on here, read up and ask questions. No matter how good the intentions a great deal of conflict can happen once you all in close proximity.

Good Luck to you all!!!
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  #4  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:53 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Wow, what a story. Love conquers all, despite that CRAZY Quiverfull fundamentalist upbringing. It's so disgusting his family lied to both of you and told you both the other was dead! Gosh. I guess they thought lying would keep Satan away, so it was justified. Ugh!

Good luck on your journey. Keep us updated. You must be thrilled but also scared, since you never imagined being polyamorous.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm very sorry that you were raised in such a harmful cult (no, it's not a "movement" - it is a cult!), but glad to hear that you had the strength and spirit inside yourself to handle being banished and to start your own life on your terms! I hope you have some of therapeutic support system, for getting over the psychological effects of being raised in such a crazy environment.

Poly is a new territory for most people, even those who were raised more conventionally and allowed to date when growing up. So, although this is certainly a new adventure for you, at least you have other newbies and more experienced poly people to consult here if you have questions or issues.

Welcome!

PS - Your story reminded me of an old Danielle Steele novel I read long, long ago. I remember that the story was so far-fetched, yet it is similar to yours (an overbearing mother tells her son that the woman he loves is dead from a car accident). I can't believe there are actually people living in the world who tell their children that friends were killed in an accident when they just don't want them to see each other. Such harshness and dishonesty truly should be reserved only for fiction, and not how anyone should be treated in real life! Well, the story ends happily for the couple in the novel - I wish the same for you and your two men!
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-23-2013 at 07:30 PM.
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  #6  
Old 10-23-2013, 05:33 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Your story is a beautiful one, thank you for sharing it with us. I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult, as well, and ended up being kicked out of the cult and my childhood family. Today I am happy with a life that looks like me and have my two wonderful partners. Just wanted to say hello and welcome!
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  #7  
Old 10-23-2013, 09:51 PM
Revenwyn Revenwyn is offline
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Thank you all. Right now the hardest for all of us is the fact that M is still in a LDR with me and also that T and I live in a very conservative community, in fact he is a graduate of the conservative Christian college that practically keeps the town (and the entire county) running. Both of our families are conservative Christians, and we would really have nobody left but each other once this really gets going.

We reflected when we decided to do this and remembered that the words "forsaking all others" or even the idea were not in our marriage vows. Still, this happened as a way of reconnecting with someone who had always been special to me (and whom more than half of our local homeschooling community thought I would marry.) I am not generally the kind who would go looking for someone else to add to our marriage just to "spice things up." It just happened, and I was devastated the first time I thought I had lost M, and I know I'm not going to put myself through that kind of hell again.
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Me- 30, Straight female, Undecided religion, INFJ
T- 30, husband, Bisexual male, Unconventional Christian, ENFP (together since 2004, married since 2009)
Currently in LDR with M- 31, Bisexual male, Wiccan, INTP (childhood love, reconnected in 2010.)
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  #8  
Old 10-23-2013, 10:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revenwyn View Post
Both of our families are conservative Christians, and we would really have nobody left but each other once this really gets going.
When you say "family," are you talking about your parents who deceived and abandoned you after raising you in a cult? You are still in touch with them after what they did? I would think it would not be much of a loss to leave them behind. Just because they are related to you doesn't mean they get to run roughshod over your lives forever. Go for love and kindness in your life, and don't worry about not having them around anymore. I say this in all seriousness.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-23-2013 at 10:55 PM.
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  #9  
Old 10-23-2013, 11:31 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Revenwyn,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds to me like you guys are making the right decision, even if it be against tremendous odds (and a lot of conditioning). So how soon do you think M will be able to move and be close to you guys (and perhaps live with you)? or here's a thought, maybe all three of you should consider moving to some new locale where the overwhelming majority isn't so (well, neurotic, and) conservative.

Sorry you had to go through so much suffering before you could get to this point. It's awesome that T is being so supportive of this whole (yes unconventional) thing.

Good luck to you and I hope you'll keep us up to date on this site.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #10  
Old 10-24-2013, 05:40 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Here I thought my family was a bunch of conservative nut jobs :P. NYCindie has a very good point, it's probably time you and your husband find a new community, cut the apron strings of familiarity and create your own life. It's actually a lot easier to deal with crazy family, when it's long distance.
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