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Old 10-22-2013, 07:15 PM
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Cherrypie725 Cherrypie725 is offline
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Hi

So where to start? I am from Wyoming. You can call me Cherry. I am Married- quite happily to G for 8 years. I am 26F and he is 28M. We have two beautiful little girls. I also have a budding relationship with T (26M). Before we met T, G and I were swingers for a little over a year. Before we started swinging, we were pretty open, and I had a couple girlfriends. This is different, especially for G. T is the first man I have "dated" since G and I got married. I never called myself polyamorous before... but I do think it is a part of who I am.

I met T at the bar. Something about him really struck me on a deeper level and so I discussed starting a polyamorous relationship with T - with G. That discussion led to a couple of -tense- days while G and I sorted out our feelings and whatnot but now things are really awesome. G is monogamous and so is T - although I am open to either man pursuing other relationships. Right now I have my hands full with these 2 relationships and being a parent that I cannot even imagine taking on more- but I love it all.

Embarking on this journey has been terrifying, and rewarding. I can honestly say that I haven't ever felt more "in tune" with myself than I do now. G is happy, but this was a major adjustment for him and at moments I can sense that he feels uncertain. I feel like I owe him the world because he has trusted me so greatly and is willing to let me have this whole other relationship and sacrificed time with me for it- which I know he does , mostly just for my happiness. Sometimes its a bit of a rollercoaster for us. T is awesome. I have asked a lot from him too, he is dating a woman who has a LOT going on and he has had to trust me, and trust my husband. T gets nervous when I kiss him around G - but its getting better. T just came out of a bad relationship that was screwed up on a lot of levels so working through those emotions with him has been an unexpected challenge.

At times I wish I had a crystal ball to peer a year or two into the future- because I really want to know how all of this will pan out. Some days have been incredible, some days have been hard. Which is why I am here. I hope I can find some kindred spirits to learn from. I hope to find people who are doing this, and doing it well. I am certain I am going to need advice.

- Cherry
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Old 10-22-2013, 08:32 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Cherry,
Welcome to our forum.

I've heard this poly saying ... "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming" ... not sure how scientifically established that is, but the point is, sometimes you have to "storm" for awhile before you "norm." I see that you have some good days, and some "scary" days. Ride it out for awhile. Crystal balls are great, but sometimes you find that if you can get past a certain point, you no longer need one.

From what I have heard (in my years on poly forums), transitioning from swinging to poly can be pretty unsettling, as you now have to deal with all this emotional stuff, and the idea that maybe you're all committed to each other now. I believe that Polyamory.com can help. Have a look around at our various threads, and post your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise.

I often like to recommend our Life stories and blogs board, as it gives you so much perspective on how other people have dealt with poly, what worked and what didn't work so well for them. Sometimes this is what you need when you're trying to figure out your own situation.

I guess I should mention our Golden Nuggets board also, it covers a lot of the basics that everyone needs to know when they're just getting started with polyamory.

In any case, I hope you will find the collective wisdom and feedback that you need here.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-22-2013, 09:41 PM
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Cherrypie725 Cherrypie725 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post

I've heard this poly saying ... "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming" ... not sure how scientifically established that is, but the point is, sometimes you have to "storm" for awhile before you "norm." I see that you have some good days, and some "scary" days. Ride it out for awhile. Crystal balls are great, but sometimes you find that if you can get past a certain point, you no longer need one.

From what I have heard (in my years on poly forums), transitioning from swinging to poly can be pretty unsettling, as you now have to deal with all this emotional stuff, and the idea that maybe you're all committed to each other now.

We are definitely in the forming/storming phase. Emotions are flying every which way. Scary is actually the perfect word for how i feel about things sometimes. Like I am standing at the edge of a cliff with a pool beneath me- deciding whether to jump... or back away.

Going from swinging to polyamory IS hard. We didn't have a ton of "rules" when we were swinging- but definitely having emotional attachments wasn't part of the game plan- and the goal (sexy fun)- was not the same. The nature of my relationship with T is so different from the friendships I had with our swing partners. We spend time together - and it doesn't always end in sex. I actually have had to rewire my brain a little bit because I have been a little hyper-focused on sex for a while and T wants it to be "special"- what a novel concept. Of course G has had a lot on his plate- because although he already believed that we can be sexually attracted to a myriad of people and that is OK.... "sharing" my affection with a new person (especially a man) is not always easy. I know that there is also a fear (in all directions) that this relationship with T *could* eventually not work out and G will be left with the fallout. But for now - things are really good... and are (kind of miraculously) working!

I am going to look at all the things you suggested. I am glad I found this site because I suspect I will be in here a lot. thank you for the warm welcome!
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Old 10-23-2013, 04:57 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Hello, Cherry and welcome to the forum!

I, too, have a husband and a boyfriend. My husband, also, had some major adjustments to make...although not from swinging (which we have no experience with) but because "my poly" had previously been female oriented.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I've heard this poly saying ... "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming" ... not sure how scientifically established that is, but the point is, sometimes you have to "storm" for awhile before you "norm."
Although I have not heard this saying...there is likely some truth in there (although it may apply to many relationships - not just poly ones). We actually went "storm" (with MrS - due to an "almost" cheating beginning - you can read about in my blog here if you wish) then "form"

...then a period of me feeling like I was on tenterhooks as I tried to hover between the two and keep everything "equal". Then they helped me see that "fair" =/= "equal" (each persons needs/wants/strengths/weaknesses are different...it's ok for relationships to be "different" without shortchanging anyone).

...then some "mild storming" as the NRE between Dude and I wore off and we uncovered conflicts that had to be resolved.

Now, 2 1/2 years into our Vee, it would seem that the "norming" is working...so much so that Dude has found himself a new (married, bi, poly) girlfriend. (Who, we all agree, is awesome - we all have a degree of NRE for their new relationship - only a few months old at this point.)

I don't have any real advice. I think that you are in a great/scary/exciting place...the feelings that you have seem perfectly reasonably. Just realize that it is ok to just feel them...you don't actually have to change anything that is working. It's true - it may not end up working...but that is also true for ANY relationship. Be kind and supportive to each other...the future is yet to be.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 10-23-2013, 06:29 PM
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Cherrypie725 Cherrypie725 is offline
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JaneQsmythe

I actually have read some of your blog posts and I find them really inspiring... partly because they reflect what I am trying to do here. . But also just because they are so candid and genuine. .. and they speak to me a lot. I had girlfriends in the past too, during our marriage and we never seemed to have issues, but with T being a man ... its more of an adjustment for G. I think part of it is that, being bi, the girls i dated satisfied that "half" of my sexuality... which made sense to G... but since T is male... I cant really say THAT. But G really is starting to get comfortable with things. T & G get along tremendously.. and can enjoy each others' company.. which has made things much easier.

I am happy I found this site. Most poly sites I have looked at portray this relationship model as some kind of hippy daydream.. but i am quickly realizing that the reward from my relationships is directly proportional so how much care and work we are putting in. True in monogamy as well of course... but really essential to what I am doing now.

Some days are scary.. a few are painful... most are pretty good. And today...today is a really great day.

-Cherry
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Old 10-23-2013, 09:33 PM
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Glad to hear today is a good day.

I don't doubt you that "swinging" is easier, what with the much fewer emotional/commitment entangelements. The only difficulty I see is agreeing that, "Okay, we won't fall in love." Ah, but falling in love doesn't lend itself so easily to rules or even agreements. Hence probably one of the reasons why a lot of people find themselves transitioning from swinging to poly.

T and G having a good rapport with each other is a huge asset in making all of this work. Not saying it *has* to be that way in a V, but it sure does help when it can be done. Nothing quite so nice as transforming a "competition" into a friendship.

I'm sure this has been a leap for G, getting used to you having a new male (not female) partner, but it sounds like he is finding his "sea legs." Bisexuality is so not as simple/straightforward as it sounds; people forget that it represents a *capacity* within a person, not something they *have* to do.

Glad you are finding the site helpful so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-24-2013, 04:21 PM
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Cherrypie725 Cherrypie725 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Glad to hear today is a good day.

I don't doubt you that "swinging" is easier, what with the much fewer emotional/commitment entangelements. The only difficulty I see is agreeing that, "Okay, we won't fall in love." Ah, but falling in love doesn't lend itself so easily to rules or even agreements. Hence probably one of the reasons why a lot of people find themselves transitioning from swinging to poly.
Kevin,

The agreement that "okay we wont fall in love." Was easy for us, for the most part. Most of the people we were swinging with were fun and enjoyable and sexy... but beyond friendship there wasn't the connection needed for an emotional relationship. That is, of course - until T. It just took hanging out with him a few times for me to realize that we had FEELINGS... Which I have to say - was intimidating to me. I was stuck in a position where I wanted to keep seeing T, but I couldn't ethically do it without laying out my heart and soul to G and hoping we'd both come out the other side intact.

We did... but I have got to say that was one of the scariest conversations I have had with G. In 8 years of marriage! I had to admit thoughts, feelings, ideas... that have been tumbling around my head for a long time. In some ways Swinging probably helped us transition (There was no 'OMG you did WHAT with him???' moment) BUT swingers seem to act as though they have their hearts on "lock down" which I don't. I just was lucky enough not to encounter many people i had more than a physical attraction to.

But i have got to say, swinging is fun. There are moments I wish I was "just swinging" with T- not for a lack of caring for him- just because swinging was EASY, But then I think about moments, like last night when he came over for dinner and then we just sat on the couch and cuddled and i felt close and comfortable with him- and then after he left G got home from work and G and I enjoyed each others' company and I felt like my little universe had aligned and I was really happy... that makes me know that I am doing what I need to do in life, right now.

-Cherry
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Old 10-24-2013, 11:50 PM
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Darn that T! opening doors he's not supposed to open!

No doubt about it, poly takes more work. But they say that it's worth it ...

Seems to me that you, T, and G, will make a great trio together. Just keep the communication lines open, and visit our site whenever you need to.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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