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  #51  
Old 08-16-2011, 10:01 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
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I realize this thread's a bit old but--I'm asexual, and I identify as homoromantic, meaning I'm not sexually attracted to anyone but I'm romantically attracted to people of my same gender.
In learning about polyamory I've been desperate to find sources that address both polyamory and asexuality, and was surprised by the lack of overlap between the two. They seem so similar: both tend to upend everything people assume about relationships. The people in both communities hold an idea of what a relationship should be as different from what they've been taught their whole lives.
Basically--I see no reason asexuality and polyamory wouldn't be compatible, and I'm sure there are successful relationships like that. It's no different than a sexual poly relationship or an ace mono relationship.
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  #52  
Old 08-16-2011, 10:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
In learning about polyamory I've been desperate to find sources that address both polyamory and asexuality, and was surprised by the lack of overlap between the two. They seem so similar: both tend to upend everything people assume about relationships.
While most people who identify as polyamorous probably think of polyamory as a lovestyle that significantly (typically) involves sexual expression, I'd say that most poly folk also understand that many people love people intensely with whom they are not sexually involved/interested. We also tend to have a fair bit of awareness of human differences.

Anyhow, I like your point about asexuality and polyamory "upending" conventional thoughts and beliefs about relationships. So true. And romantic / sexual (together or apart) relations between person of the same sex still do that for many!, too. (e.g., considerations of gender roles.)

Most of us poly folk realize that polyamory isn't a sex-style but a love-style (but not a "lifestyle"). Romantic relationships that are asexual are obviously loving partnerships, no less loving than those that include sexual expression. Love is juicy and wonderful and amazing with or without sex. I think most poly folk understand this as well. Still, I bet most poly folk are like me, in that we don't really understand, fully, the life of an asexual person, as from the inside. The sex drive is powerful in most of our lives, especially when we are young (as you are). So you're bringing richness to our little community, here. You're offering us an opportunity to learn about romantic same-sex loving between people in which at least one of the partners identifies as asexual. Great! This will help us understand ourselves better, as well as you and those like yourself. Already, I am imagining myself involved in a passionate love affair that doesn't include sexual attraction. Hmmm.

I wonder, do you and your boyfriend cuddle naked? Kiss? Snuggle, spoon?

No, I'm not requiring video footage!
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  #53  
Old 08-16-2011, 11:40 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
Basically--I see no reason asexuality and polyamory wouldn't be compatible, and I'm sure there are successful relationships like that. It's no different than a sexual poly relationship or an ace mono relationship.
Indeed there isn't. In fact poly I think would be well suited to asexual romances, including the potential for those who prefer cake to date people who also like sex, since that component doesn't need to be satisfied by the asexual partners.
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  #54  
Old 08-17-2011, 03:25 AM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
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River--whoo, your response seriously made me dance around in my seat! I was a bit nervous about being accepted, but I'm not so much anymore.

The first time I heard about polyamory, I actually thought it was perfect for asexual people (those who want to pursue it, of course). I'm glad that there are poly people who enjoy exploring the different ways of being intimate with people. It actually gets a bit frustrating, being ace (especially being sex-repulsed) when it feels like the only relationships that get talked about are sexual ones. It's definitely important to address safe sex and such, but sometimes you feel a bit invisible.

Welllll there are plenty of ace people who do all that, including some who willingly have sex (and enjoy it, whoa!) for their partner's benefit. Unfortunately my boyfriend and I haven't had the chance for some ~hard and fast hand-holding~ because we live in different parts of the country.

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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Indeed there isn't. In fact poly I think would be well suited to asexual romances, including the potential for those who prefer cake to date people who also like sex, since that component doesn't need to be satisfied by the asexual partners.
This is why I'm surprised by the lack of overlap. In many accounts of polyamorous relationships I've read, there are relationships that are almost identical to asexual relationships (of course, people identify as they identify, and I wouldn't press a label on anyone). For example, (and to paraphrase) I see a lot of this: "They're dating my girlfriend, and we don't have sex but we still cuddle." Cuddling without the sex? It's an asexy dream!
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  #55  
Old 08-17-2011, 11:37 AM
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They are compatible, but both are rare, so the chances of being both are not too high, not to mention you might not realise it as easily either. But there is a bunch of poly people on AVEN for instance.

It's like, there are asexual people, and there are panromantic people, but panromantic asexuals aren't that common because they need to be both at once. Yet you could say that it makes sense for both to go together on some level, right?

It just works the way it does, you know. Maybe the rates are bigger in each group than in the general population for all I know, but because both groups are so small it's hard to notice.
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  #56  
Old 08-17-2011, 03:25 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
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True. However rare it is, it's pretty big in my own life--my boyfriend and I are both on the ace spectrum, he's always identified as poly, and I'm working on it now. And I've found that even when something is rare, when you stumble upon a community, there are plenty of people to talk to. I mean, the commonly cited statistic is 1% of people are ace, but I know tons of ace people.

Did you find good discussion of polyamory on AVEN? I looked but I ran into a bunch of square-one "Do you think asexuals can be poly?" which doesn't help.
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  #57  
Old 08-17-2011, 03:29 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I didn't run into any conversation that was specifically about polyamorous aces, but saw several members who mentioned being poly in their signature or profile, and there has been threads mentioning polyamory for the non-ace partner as a compromise of sorts.
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  #58  
Old 08-17-2011, 03:33 PM
Periwinkle Periwinkle is offline
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Ah, I see. Yeah, when I first learned more and started to ID as ace, I figured I would want my partner to have another partner for that purpose. I thought I'd never meet another ace person at that point, though.
Eh, we'll see what happens. Thank you!
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  #59  
Old 08-17-2011, 08:09 PM
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Is this the thread with the really good asexual forum link on it? If not try a tag search for "asexual." There are other threads too. Might be helpful.
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  #60  
Old 08-17-2011, 09:08 PM
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Periwinkle,

If you're okay to answer very personal questions, I'm rather curious to better understand the "ace" experience from your perspective. If I'm being too personal, just ignore my questions.

How important is touch / physical contact to you in your romantic relationship/s?
What kinds of touching do you do, or are you wanting to do? Do you enjoy kissing?
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