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Old 05-07-2015, 04:50 PM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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Default Let's talk metamours

I'm still relatively new to poly (less than 2 years.) One of the many things I find fascinating about poly, is the different ways in which everyone handles metamours. Just for discussion's sake, what is your ideal relationship to your metamour(s) and how does that gel with your partner(s) ideals? How does your ideal match with your reality? And, finally, for those of you who've been doing poly for awhile, have your views on metamours changed over the years? If so, how and why?

For my part:

My ideal would be an amicable relationship with my metamour(s). I'd love to be a leg in a live-in V with my partner, Blue (with my own room/space of course.) Blue & I share similar views. Of course, assuming a metamour and I don't click, I just prefer cooperation and minimal drama, contact not necessary

As for my experience, although Blue's dated a fair amount, I've only had a few metamours. My relationships to them have ranged from a no contact (pretend I don't exist), drama-filled relationship to a triad. I only just recently met his most recent gf. She seems nice enough and he's happy so I'm happy!
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Old 05-07-2015, 05:11 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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My preference is not to have any contact with nate's sex partners. He prefers inclusion. Today we're going to the movies with one of his fuck buddies. I decided since it's important t o him and makes him feel better an occasional outing won't kill me. Jane is a sometimes lover of his who ended up being a best friend to me but that's because of the fact that she lived with my best friend for 2 years and we had a ton of exposure to each other. I don't like most people and unless i click with them right away I typically never become friends.

Nate only has people in our home when the kids and I are gone (he usually has them host ) because he only has fuck buddies we don't include these people in our family life.

Nate doesn't have anything to do with sam, they have polite small talk if they happen to see each other but that I the extent of it.
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Old 05-07-2015, 07:51 PM
Invi Invi is offline
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Location: Las Vegas, NV
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I refer to my metamours by astrological sign because that is how I first heard them referred to.
I like the kind of metamour relationship I have with Sagittarius. We've become friends, talk almost daily, and hang out even without our mutual partner. Living together may be in or future.

I don't have a problem with the type of relationship I have with Scorpio. No contact, at my request. I don't like her. Our partner isn't thrilled, but he no longer pushes me to try and be her friend because he knows it's pointless.

I don't really care much about what shape the metamour relationship takes as long as no one is trying to force me to socialize with someone I'd rather not be around.
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:41 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is online now
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I don't really have an "ideal" relationship. It is what it is. Hopefully it's not awful.

Gralson (my husband) and Auto (my girlfriend) get along well, have hung out together when I've been out of town and he happened to be home from work. Auto's husband and I are friendly, we get along well enough. He and Gralson get along not at all.

I don't think it has to be complicated. It doesn't hurt to meet anyone, and then you either get along or you don't. It's not a big deal if you don't, you just go on your merry ways. If you do, you can have whatever kind of relationship feels comfortable.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 05-07-2015, 09:04 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Well I guess I'm off the hook, Deanna cancelled tonight and nate doesn't want to wait until next Thursday to see it
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Old 05-07-2015, 11:45 PM
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Halcyeus Halcyeus is offline
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In general I feel great about my metamours. Ideally I'd like to be on friendly terms at the least, if not friends outright. However, I can understand it if they don't want to meet me or feel uncomfortable being around me at the same time as my wife.

Sometimes I get a friendly competitiveness thing going, especially if they're very attractive or talented. So far that's been a healthy motivation rather than anything that feels like I'm feeling insecure. I'm highly competitive anyway, so its not like this is new.

My wife seems to like her metamours so far. If any difficult feelings come up they're directed at me, never towards them, who she usually showers with good will. She met with someone new I'm interested in last night. It was just the two of them so they could get to know each other a little by themselves. They really hit it off, apparently. I'm so happy.

Last edited by Halcyeus; 05-08-2015 at 01:18 AM.
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Old 05-08-2015, 01:02 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Personally, I don't really have an "ideal" other than being able to be civil and respectful (even if we don't like each other).

My first real experiences with metamours was when MrS and I got together, I didn't consider him my "boyfriend" and he had a couple of ex's/didn't want to be ex's that he was still seeing. One was his first girlfriend that (after they had broken-up) proposed our first threesome - she was awesome (even if she "wanted him back") - we went to her (first) wedding a few years later. The other was a FWB that wished he was her boyfriend - she was a good friend of mine (we actually met him at the same party - he asked her out, I bade my time ). Apparently, there was some tension/jealousy there on her part (which I ignored - I'm not responsible for other people's shit).

My next metamour experiences were with VV's partners. VV was MrS's (platonic) close friend and we were casual girlfriends/FWBs in college - and friends ever since, with benefits or not (depending on how her boyfriend of the minute felt about it). Her current guy she has been with for 7? 9? - some years - is pretty cool. If they come to visit together then he hangs out with MrS while VV and I are off having fun - then we all go out to dinner, etc. We only see VV a few times (if that) a year.

With Dude the experiences vary. Since we live together and hang out with the same group of friends then it is likely that we will all already know (or have met) someone else's "interest". Which is how it is with - let's call her JennyL - his latest - we've all been friends with her for a while and like her regardless of any relationship she has with Dude. With Lotus, they met and talked on OKC but their first date was a "group date" with all of us - and we are all attracted to her and have various degrees of relationships with her. Which is fine - but complicated for her (she also has a husband). Dude went out with another girl from OKC a few times (Jane2 in my blog) - we all went out to dinner a few times, but she and I didn't have much in common, although she was nice enough, I couldn't see us being friends - MrS went to a concert with her that they both wanted to attend (but no one else did).

MrClean, my not-quite-FWB and friends with MrS, likes to invite us out to meet his girlfriends at a certain point. I don't think that he is really poly, but intrigued, and would have questions about a woman that objected to him having poly friends. (His ex-wife turned out to be very judgmental and controlling - in private - which I think plays a role.)


I guess my point is - "it depends". Dude is the MOST likely to be dating someone new - and the MOST desiring of having everyone all mixed up together. I am not against it, per se, but I enjoy the company of very few people. MrS is up for "whatever". - and would never push for any particular outcome.

I think it is fine to let each interpersonal relationship evolve into whatever level it does (or would regardless of other relationships). "Respectful civility" is the minimum if we are in the same physical space - I don't think that ANY of us are up for someone who creates drama "just because". If someone is "seriously dating" (i.e. spending significant amounts of time with someone after a few weeks of public dates) I think having contact info and/or meeting them for a few minutes is reasonable. (You know, so you have something to tell the cops if shit turns fatal!)
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-08-2015 at 01:11 AM.
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Old 05-08-2015, 01:16 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Posts: 10,083

There are quite a number of threads here about metamours, if you do a search. Here are a few good ones to start you off:
Metamour love

Affection in front of metamours


Spinoff question from metamour thread

How important is it to get along with your metamour(s)?

I don't like my metamour

Partner has asked me to have a talk with metamour...
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:54 PM
LizziE LizziE is offline
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For me, the "ideal relationship" I'd like to have with a metamour would depend on the lover first.

The only real ideal for me in all metamour relationships is that we can be civil - at the least - and hopefully friendly over time.

But beyond that, if it's someone who I am dating casually and have a good connection with, but both of us are happy to date a few times a month and simply enjoy each others company without an interest in blending our lives, then the ideal would be a friendly relationship with my metamour, if we had a relationship at all. If we didn't, as long as I felt certain that they knew that their partner is poly and that I'm not dating a sneaky cheater then I don't mind if we don't have any kind of relationship at all.

If it's someone who I want to structure a significant part of my life around, then I would hope my metamour and I could become good, supportive friends of each other.

One thing I wouldn't tolerate under any circumstances is a metamour who was snarky, shitty, or belittling of me. If my lover was OK with anybody in their live exhibiting that kind of behavior to anybody else in their life, then we would quickly no longer be dating - I don't act like an asshole to other people, so I expect them to do me that same courtesy. People who don't understand basic human respect and decency don't become a part of my life.

Liz: cis female, 33, bi. life partner Jonathan, also dating Issi
Jonathan: cis male, 30, bi. life partner Liz

Issi: queer, 32, dating Liz, married to Jared
Jared: cis male, 33, straight, married to Issi, formerly dated (and still good friends with) Liz.
Rachel: cis female, 32, bi, life partner Rob, former non-sexual potential life partner to Liz (still good friends)
Lora: cis female, 27, bi, ex-partner of Jon

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Old 05-08-2015, 08:34 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi PinkPig,

Re (from OP):
"What is your ideal relationship to your metamour/s and how does that gel with your partner/s' ideals?"
Well, provided he is a good guy (which ideally he is), I'd like to have a friendly relationship with him. I believe Snowbunny (my partner) wants the same thing.

"How does your ideal match with your reality?"
Quite nicely, thank you much.

"For those of you who've been doing poly for awhile, have your views on metamours changed over the years? If so, how and why?"
Well due to my forum experience, I've come to understand that many people have little to no contact with their metamours, and that doesn't necessarily mean their poly unit is doomed to fail. Although, as a rule of thumb, I consider friendly metamour relations to be preferable in most cases. (Used to be I would have said all cases.)

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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