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Old 05-17-2015, 07:21 AM
beck beck is offline
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Default polyfi triad breakup

I'm new and sorry to be starting my time here on such a downer topic.

I am going through a breakup with my partner of almost two years in a functionally closed v triad. I moved in with my partner and her partner of 8 years in their home about nine months ago (I was apparently the mythical unicorn). We had many conversations over the past year or so about living together as a family, making plans for a significant geographic move, and planning to have and raise children together. A couple of weeks ago, my partner told me that for several reasons, she feels unable to maintain two relationships in our household. We have talked about me moving out and maintaining a more casual romantic relationship from afar, but at this time it is looking more like this will be the end. I am moving out regardless.

My friends have been superficially supportive but not very understanding about the relationship in the first place, and I am feeling very alone in all of this. I am navigating planning a move, leaving my job, finding a new job, and managing all of the feelings coming up. It is increasingly difficult to watch my partner being supported and happy in her relationship as she copes with this change while I'm left pretty uprooted. I am unable to logistically move out for another month (though I'm spending as much time as I can out of the house) and it is incredibly painful to watch them continue to plan the future that had been our future together, and to know that they will stay in our home and not much will change for them. I feel disposable, hurt, angry and depressed.

I guess I'm just looking for support and guidance from folks who have been here before, or in mildly similar situations, specifically around how to manage the situation and how to reduce the amount of bitterness I'm feeling at this point. I haven't done this before, and it feels hard to communicate with them about what I am going through and ask for support at this time.
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Old 05-17-2015, 07:47 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beck View Post
...
I guess I'm just looking for support and guidance from folks who have been here before, or in mildly similar situations, specifically around how to manage the situation and how to reduce the amount of bitterness I'm feeling at this point. I haven't done this before, and it feels hard to communicate with them about what I am going through and ask for support at this time.
You are in a rough spot.

I don't have any advice, just internet >>HUGS<< if you want them.

You are strong. You WILL get through this. I think that all you can do at this point is focus on what YOU need to get through each day and get to the place you need to.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


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  #3  
Old 05-17-2015, 12:54 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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I went through something similar when I was in my early 20's. I had to leave my triad when the dynamic shifted to them being a couple, me being their secondary. It meant leaving the nice, big downtown loft I slept in every night to my own little studio apt.. I had to leave behind my whole group of friends, as I'd been in the triad close to 2 years and didn't have many friends outside of that circle. Several months after I left, I got an invite to the their wedding.

It was a difficult time, and healing was slow. But you'll survive it, and you'll find other loves. You have my deepest sympathy.
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Old 05-17-2015, 11:09 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Just want to comment that you don't really know if things change for them..
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Old 05-18-2015, 01:50 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi beck,

Sorry about your breakup, that is no fun.

Re (from OP):
Quote:
"I was apparently the mythical unicorn."
That could only be true if you were in a triangle/delta triad. In a V triad only two romantic dyads exist; a "unicorn" is expected to complete two out of three romantic dyads.

To put a finer semantic point on it, no one can *really* be a unicorn; such horses and people don't exist. But some women are *expected* to be unicorns. Anyway, I'm driving us off-topic.

Re:
Quote:
"I am navigating planning a move, leaving my job, finding a new job, and managing all of the feelings coming up."
Can I ask, how come you need to find a new job?

Did you at all see this breakup coming? Were there any signs ahead of time?

I don't blame you for feeling bitter. Sometimes you can't just "wave a magic wand" and make the bad feelings go away. I would feel disposable too if I was in your situation.

All I can think of to help is to let you know that I hear you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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