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  #1  
Old 10-11-2013, 05:51 PM
Revkah Revkah is offline
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Default Primary and Secondary

I have a few questions. I placed a post up a few weeks ago, got some great advice and insight.
Me and plan A have a V, where I have him and plan B the bf
Things started rough but are getting easier and more fun to be honest.
Plan A and Plan B (again these are just nicknames) are now becoming friends themselves which is making things both easier and even fun. It is so nice being able to hang out and have a good time and all of us seem to be coexisting well.
I was just wondering what is the best way to split the time between the two? How do you guys split your time? Right now that seems to be the hardest part.
Plan A of course wants to have his time alone with me but so does Plan B and I feel because me and Plan B are still in the NRE stage that we are inseparable and he respects when Plan A (husband) wants alone time with me, but sometimes it gets a little tricky.
Do you schedule these times? Example: right now plan B and I have wed nights. And then every once in a while he hangs out but leaves later in the evening.
our schedules are hard because we all work a lot but Plan B wishes to have more time and sometimes we are in limbo as to when we can see each other. Any advice?
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  #2  
Old 10-11-2013, 07:20 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You have to do what is right for your life and situation.

Me I do not play the primary secondary game. Murf is not a passing fling or phase for me.

I try to spend my time 50/50 but with my guys work schedule that is not possible. I spend approx 14 days a month with Murf. Has been that way since the beginning. I spend every other weekend with him. Then a night or two during the week.

I also do holidays with him and also his family. My children tag along when Butch is working.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #3  
Old 10-12-2013, 03:56 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I think it just depends on what you can give and what you want. I am married to N, he has a GF J. There is no way N can divide his time 50/50 with her. Right now she lives with N's mom so N wont go over there but she is welcome to spend the night here while im at work (since N's mom is there with her kids) and she even will stay the occasional weekend night when I am here.

When she moves she will be working weekends so she will not be available on the weekends at all. She and I have decided we will do a group movie night on mondays with the 3 of us like we use to and Thur will be the night a week that N can spend the night there if he chooses to (sound like that's not something he really want to do though) Im at work tue and wed overnight so he cant spend the night there those nights because we have kids at home and she wont be able to spend the night here anymore because she will have her kids at home and they have school. during the summer she can bring her kids over here to spend the night during the week days like she use to.

I dont have any other partners but when I do get one I also will be available to spend the night with them if they are able to host one night a week. If they cant host I will probably opt not to do sleep overs.
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  #4  
Old 10-12-2013, 09:34 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revkah View Post
I was just wondering what is the best way to split the time between the two? How do you guys split your time? Right now that seems to be the hardest part.
Plan A of course wants to have his time alone with me but so does Plan B and I feel because me and Plan B are still in the NRE stage that we are inseparable and he respects when Plan A (husband) wants alone time with me, but sometimes it gets a little tricky.
Do you schedule these times? Example: right now plan B and I have wed nights. And then every once in a while he hangs out but leaves later in the evening.
our schedules are hard because we all work a lot but Plan B wishes to have more time and sometimes we are in limbo as to when we can see each other. Any advice?
You might start by working with everyone's schedules. Looks like you have some “set” plans already.
If you are just trying to figure out how to keep up with everything you might look into Google Calendar.

Right now I have two Shared Calendars with my partner. One for job schedules, and one for events/activities. The events one will (and has) included dating other partners. If/when a sleepover situation is on the menu that will be included.

If that’s something you want to try make something to share with all partners, and some to share with each partner. I only share my work schedule with my partners, I don’t need to see their partners schedules. But we would like to have everyone in the events/dating calendar so we can all see when our partner(s) available. The names of the calendars don’t really matter so much.

If its more about everyone's comfort levels you might still find a shared calendar (of some sort) helpful. If everyone can see when their is actually time available for “quality” time then maybe the times where you aren’t available won’t be unpleasant for anyone.

Oh and don’t forget to put time in just for YOU without one of your partners.
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #5  
Old 10-14-2013, 06:38 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Well Nudge and I love to spend time together, and we often want more but when we know it just isnt possible we remind ourselves of the fact that the wanting and waiting is nice too. Not getting as much as you'd like, keeps it a little new and interesting I think. Its nice to know Nudge wants to see me so badly, and it will be abll the better when we do get togther. right now we hav Thursday nights, and sometimes he comes over another night and hangs out with both me and J, and we try to do a weekend overnight every 4-6 weeks.
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  #6  
Old 10-14-2013, 08:36 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default The good thing about respectful partners

is that all it takes is remembering to check in twice about how they are feeling. Sometimes when a person is upset or beginning to have the seeds of resentment sown into their conscious thoughts, they tend to get a little defensive in which case it becomes deleterious to use that check in as something to plan your day, week, month or life to.

Everything always starts out a little bit rough, but from what you've shared it sounds like you have at least one of the hurdles cleared in that your boyfriend is respectful.

If your husband understands how respect is necessary, you could be enjoying a life on easy street, as when there is respect between the people involved in your life where there is not love, once that hurdle is cleared there is absolutely no reason your polyship can float or fly or both.

Once that respect is there the only thing you literally have to do is check in every once in a while. I know that sometimes even poly people -- who parade around town as the best communicators -- often are not, but even the types who try to plant those seeds of resentment learn quickly how effective it is to speak UP, esp when asked "how are you feeling about everything"

or whatever line you three come to understand to mean that you each genuinely care, and are willing to make the minor adjustments to address concerns.

Because that is typically all it takes to make dramatic differences in your life. Minor adjustments that you and your boy friend make can translate to night and day differences in your husbands life. When you all understand that and are willing to do it, the only reason for the ship to sink is because you want it to. Which does happen a lot -- whether or not all parties involved admit it -- but so long as your bf really is respectful and doesn't exploit any concerns your husband shares (often doctors refer to this as drilling, which from my point of view is the stupidist thing to do to a loved one) your husband will quickly learn how much love there is to be had in healthy relationships.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-14-2013 at 08:40 PM. Reason: typo
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  #7  
Old 10-16-2013, 02:43 AM
MrsGoo MrsGoo is offline
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My "schedule" with my guys keeps getting renegotiated if any of our needs aren't being met. As of right now, after kids are dropped off at school I come back home and spend time with J until he leaves for work for noon on Mondays and Tuesdays. On Wednesday, Thursday, Friday mornings I spend time with G before he goes to work. I usually see G for a bit on Friday nights when he gets out of work and sometimes he sleeps over then since J typically goes out with friends on Fridays and gets home late and I'm home with the kids and have to be to work early on Saturday and Sunday mornings. On Saturday nights I and my daughters would hang out at G's house and my girls would spend time with his daughter. The only problem with that was that G and I would doze off then I'd have to wake up and go home only to have to wake up for work a few hours later. So we renegotiated and now it looks like my daughters and I will plan to sleep over G's house on Saturdays then I'll get ready and leave for work from there. The other nights of the week I'm home with J.
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J: 32 M together for 10 years, married for 4
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  #8  
Old 10-16-2013, 06:11 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I have it a little bit easy that way, because Gralson works out of town and only comes home every other weekend. I'm a grad student so my life oscillates between insanely busy and just regular busy. Auto is married with kids so she's really busy too. For us, it's not so much about how to split our time, but rather how to find time for anyone.

I basically devote my Gralson-home weekends to being with him. I keep my calendar virtually clear. It's only 4 out of 14 days, so I cherish what little time we have. He usually spends half of it sleeping, and half a day on either end travelling, so it's not hard to prioritize. Auto understands this and doesn't even think about infringing on that time.

That leaves 10/14 days "open" for Auto. Since we're both really busy, we're lucky to see each other 3 out of those 10 days. We don't have a regular date night or anything, we just find time when we can. We're both in the local bi/pan-group so it gives us at least one day every other week that we're sure to see each other. She usually comes over after and we cuddle and watch tv.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #9  
Old 10-16-2013, 03:44 PM
Revkah Revkah is offline
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Once that respect is there the only thing you literally have to do is check in every once in a while. I know that sometimes even poly people -- who parade around town as the best communicators -- often are not, but even the types who try to plant those seeds of resentment learn quickly how effective it is to speak UP, esp when asked "how are you feeling about everything"

We learned the speak up and communicate when asked lesson last night. It was a pretty rough beginning to a night. I had only seen Plan B for a blip of time on Monday. (He came to my work) and then yesterday I asked Plan A if he was ok if we all hung out I have a friend visiting and we are going out of town for a few days so my usual wed and fri night with Plan B wasn't going to be possible so him and I were hoping to spend some time together. Plan A says sure and I'm excited thinking we'd have a fun night together.
Well Plan A really didn't want Plan B over because he thought I was still going to see him this week, forgetting that I was already planning on going out of town. So when Plan B got here Plan A had a really turd attitude, resulted in me asking Plan B to drive home after only being there 10 mins and him being very confused.
Long story short all that was needed was a 20 minute discussion and things were resolved. Plan A texted Plan B apologized and asked him to come back. We all had a great night and a lot of fun. Plan A and Plan B actually ended up hanging out most of the evening and we all went to sleep in really good moods.
We're learning how important basic communication can be.
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  #10  
Old 10-19-2013, 07:38 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm sorry, this is completely irrelevant to your question, but I have to ask... Why the names "Plan A" and "Plan B?" I can't help but read that and think "my boyfriend is my backup plan, in case things don't work out with my husband, at least I won't be alone."
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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