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Old 01-27-2011, 09:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Default sex and its status

hi , just thought of another question.

In the mono world the intimate act of sex was or has sacred status. In the poly world that sacred status is given to furniture, places, rooms, sexual positions or acts, shower stalls and even shoes. "You can wear my partner so to speak but I draw the line with my shoes god damn it." It seems bit crazy particularly the sexual position one... not real verifiable . Is this some mental game of replacement. Is there some need for sacred status to replace a perceived loss?

That said I requested 3 rules. Yes Redpepper rules. I think I heard your teeth mash together... sorry.... And not just rules but, RULES. The good part is there are only 3.

Anyway.... Rule 1. Not at our house. Not because I place sacred status on or around the house but because of the neighborhood we live in. We are very close with the neighbors -relationship wise not in proximity. Every one notices everything. Kind of a fish bowl so to speak but in a good way. We all look out for each other. In the summer on most Friday nights my neighbor pulls old couches from his garage and people stop by for a beer or 2. Adults talk/ argue with the guy who's a lawyer and the kids running all over just having fun. We have only one family out ten or so that I'm indifferent to, and that's a choice he has made to isolate himself.

Rule 2. This is big... Don't bring anything home. " I don't want to catch so much as a fucking cold. If I do.... no one will be happy." Translation your life and his will become extremely unpleasant. And as happiness is the stated goal, then everybody better be very fucking careful. No pun intended. Pretty easy to remember.

Rule 3 He is not allowed to drive my mustang convertible. It took me and my dad 3 summers to restore so I get to say who sits in or drives that car. We got fleet take something else. The thing is that car is know in the community. I don't want somebody say hey saw your car didn't look like you. Maybe I'm being a dick about this as I have let our 17yr neighbor take out his new girlfriend. That was such a cool moment for both him and me. He really really appreciated it and it was my idea. I guess I don't care if they fuck in, just do it in the garage. I don't think she/they know this however. Don't think I'm going to share that either.

Well look forward to reading why I'm wrong..... ha ha thanks D
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Old 01-27-2011, 09:42 PM
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....

In the mono world the intimate act of sex was or has sacred status. In the poly world that sacred status is given to furniture, places, rooms, sexual positions or acts, shower stalls and even shoes.
....

Really?! Who says?

If you're speaking of your own rather uninformed opinion, fine. But most of the rest of us find this notion insultingly uninformed.
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Old 01-27-2011, 09:52 PM
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Yes Redpepper rules. I think I heard your teeth mash together... sorry.... And not just rules but, RULES. The good part is there are only 3.

D
Easy on personalizing your posts my friend. There is no need to single out individual posters because it gives you the impression of looking for a fight. People on here come to share experiences and advice out of caring.

Dinged Heart, I can tell you are hurting pretty badly and definitely no where near ready to go down the poly path my friend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting this.

The hate/anger and resentment in your words indicate a very open wound and I feel for your pain. Please take a breath, relax and try to express yourself without challenging everyone who actually wants to help.

You're not wrong about anything...your pissed off about everything.

Take care and I hope you gain some balance. Definitely express how torn apart you are to your wife.
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Old 01-27-2011, 10:00 PM
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DingedHeart,

About my above comment --, I'm all good about your expressing your pain, fear, or whatever, but it'd probably go over better in this forum if you did so without appearing to badmouth the poly folks in this poly forum. For most of us, sex is just as sacred when shared among several as when shared with any single one. Poly is, after all, a love-style, not merely a sex-style.
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Old 01-27-2011, 10:53 PM
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A word of advice from someone who has been there, if I may (yes, I've been married, not married, monogamous, poly, jealous, open, and the whole shebang.. ): before you make "rules", try and figure out your needs. If you know what you really need from a relationship, it's much easier to figure out what you can and cannot accept. Sometimes, a need can be met by much less than what you may think (hence, the "not in my shoes" edict) and sometimes, a need is not really much more than an "I want!" that comes from a place of insecurity and fears that need some personal growth/work that have nothing whatsoever to do with your partner.

A little less judgment and a little more openness work very well in the poly world (heck, in any world), and, for that matter, what *other* people find necessary or scary are really not our business to judge.
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Old 01-27-2011, 10:54 PM
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First of all, I hear that you are hurting. I get that... are you fucking kidding!? I've heard this kind of tone from Mono, so don't think what you say is shocking to me, or the way it is presented. Yours is a typical response from a man that is not poly trying to understand his partner who is.

Your "rules" are fine at this stage in your journey. Quite valid. I would suggest however that they are a given to your partner at this point, as she know you, what has transpired and your home situation well enough not to go there. I would think that her feelings and yours on the matters you laid out would cross each other out... or at least they should as the rules you lay out make perfect sense for the beginning stages of a poly relationship... that being said, I am not her and I can only speculate.

Eventually things soften and become boundaries for new to poly folk. As do primary/secondary relationships and a bunch of other stuff too that isn't necessarily in need of writing out here. We all start some where and "rules" is a typical start. At least its something to be in control of.

I would suggest that you look long and hard at whether you are done with her and you life with her... do your best to empathize with what she might be going through, go over what she has said are needs for hers, ask her for answers to questions not brought up yet, give her a chance to state her case one more time and then decide. If you, at your utmost core, still love her enough, start finding a way. Most of us here have done that and are working on it... you are not the only one.

(I didn't actually grit my teeth. I smiled and shook my head in relation to conversations I've had with Mono. I've been here too long and read to much here to invest in anyone beyond writing a post that may or may not help. All I do is offer my thoughts and use the wisdom I have gained...

I used to take it all in, now my friendship investments emerge out of rubble here and I have no expectations of being liked or appreciated. I just continue supporting and empathize as much and as best as I can. I don't become overwhelmed by every slam and disagreement that comes my way. I am willing to talk about just about anything, but I am only willing to become emotional when I have a relationship with someone... the only time I become emotional in a negative way on here is when I am effected by my own life, not the person who pushes me. Hope that makes sense...)
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-28-2011 at 08:58 AM.
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Old 01-28-2011, 12:23 AM
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Dinged,
You're entitled to make whatever rules/boundaries/guidelines or whatever else you want to call them in your own relationship. What does you wife say about your needs? Is she comfortable with them? If she is I fail to see a problem here at all. What works for one constellation may not work for another.

As for sex not being special if it's being shared with more than one person I assure you that it absolutely is. Usually the boundaries around rooms and shoes and whatnot come from a totally different place than from feeling a stonger attachement to those things than to a partner and what they do. Sometimes it's just something that has to be spelled out in poly because it's not a situation that's going to come up otherwise. For example I'm not comfortable with knowing that people are having sex in my house when I'm home. This doesn't just apply to my husband and his gf but to anyone but mostly with other people it's just not going to happen (or at the very least it would be considered rude).

You seem very angry. A lot of people are when they start out on this journey. A lot of the time it's growing pains to get to a new normal.
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Old 01-28-2011, 01:18 AM
neohio44122 neohio44122 is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

In the mono world the intimate act of sex was or has sacred status. In the poly world that sacred status is given to furniture, places, rooms, sexual positions or acts, shower stalls and even shoes.
We really don't have rules, we have been poly over 15 years. I am mono and she is poly. She only has one boyfriend at a time(by her choice not a rule) and they tend to last a long time(years). I would never tell her how to have sex, where to have sex and so on. Her relationship with her boyfriend is between them and is separate from our relationship. I do not interfere. I do not say you do that for him and not me. He has needs just like I do. She does a pretty good job with time management. Sometimes she spends more time with me sometimes with him. When she spends time with him, most of the time she spends the night over his house some time for days. They are free to have sex in our house. Some time we have threesomes, or if I come home and they are going at it I might watch. She has a key to his house and he has a key to ours. Some time the three of us go on vacation together some times she goes on business trips with him. My wife and her boyfriend are fluid bonded.

Other than a request for safe sex, I think itís wrong to limit your partner and their lover sexually. You canít have oral, you canít kiss, you canít do this position or that position is a bunch of bull in my opinion. If your just swining its ok to limit sex acts, but if it is a true loving relationship its just wrong.
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Old 01-28-2011, 03:41 AM
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Originally Posted by neohio44122 View Post
We really don't have rules, we have been poly over 15 years. I am mono and she is poly. She only has one boyfriend at a time(by her choice not a rule) and they tend to last a long time(years). I would never tell her how to have sex, where to have sex and so on. Her relationship with her boyfriend is between them and is separate from our relationship. I do not interfere. I do not say you do that for him and not me. He has needs just like I do. She does a pretty good job with time management. Sometimes she spends more time with me sometimes with him. When she spends time with him, most of the time she spends the night over his house some time for days. They are free to have sex in our house. Some time we have threesomes, or if I come home and they are going at it I might watch. She has a key to his house and he has a key to ours. Some time the three of us go on vacation together some times she goes on business trips with him. My wife and her boyfriend are fluid bonded.

Other than a request for safe sex, I think it’s wrong to limit your partner and their lover sexually. You can’t have oral, you can’t kiss, you can’t do this position or that position is a bunch of bull in my opinion. If your just swining its ok to limit sex acts, but if it is a true loving relationship its just wrong.
This is your opinion neohio and, in my opinion, it is a good idea to say so as to others this could come across as a judgment and disrespect of a persons process and journey they are on. I realize that the original post is judgmental also, but is it really going to help to judge back at them?

You say you have been this 15 years. I have also. I know what you are saying. I understand what you are saying and can relate. I just think that it is really important for us old timers to poly to be patient and empathetic to those that are starting out and doing things differently.

I wonder how you felt the first time your wife went out to sleep with someone else? How did you feel when she told you that she is poly? What is your story of getting where you are now. To me, hearing about THAT, is how people can learn and grow and realize that they too can figure out what works for them... rather than telling people that you think they are wrong.
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Old 01-28-2011, 05:08 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
In the mono world the intimate act of sex was or has sacred status. In the poly world that sacred status is given to furniture, places, rooms, sexual positions or acts, shower stalls and even shoes. "You can wear my partner so to speak but I draw the line with my shoes god damn it." It seems bit crazy particularly the sexual position one... not real verifiable . Is this some mental game of replacement. Is there some need for sacred status to replace a perceived loss?
WHAT? Where on earth did you get that? The sanctity of sex (or its lack of sanctity) is no more and no less clear and concrete for poly people than for mono people. Polyamorous people are just more honest and open about that fact, and about the fact there is a wide variety of opinion and feeling on this and most other subjects. Before you seriously argue the sanctity of sex in the monogamous mind, I invite you visit any bar, lounge or night club around closing time.

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That said I requested 3 rules. Yes Redpepper rules. I think I heard your teeth mash together... sorry.... And not just rules but, RULES.
Really? Did you really intend to snark personally on Redpepper, someone with extensive life experience in an area you are struggling with, who has extended to you the benefit of her hard-won wisdom, for no reasons other than her compassionate nature and that YOU ASKED?

I hope I have read you wrong. It is such an unwise course of action to disrespect the people whose help you have sought.
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