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  #41  
Old 02-25-2011, 08:12 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I'm a little confused. If your love languages are service and quality time why wouldn't you want to spend time with him? Or put another way if your love language is quality time why would you have to force yourself to spend time with him?
It usually wasn't about spending "time" it was usually about sex, and with him always running off someplace else, I was left with the kids, housework and my job, I felt like a single parent. We weren't spending any quality time together. "Acts of Service" is also nearly equal to "quality time" and there was absolutely no acts of service being done. So I usually had to be coherced into sex and the longer I went without, the harder it was to get in the mood again.

His idea of spending time together, was for me to go with him to some meeting or event, where I was left alone to fend for myself most of the time. Not fun and not really time together, so I stopped going.

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Its kind of funny I was reading your comment of the "affection" and the loss and..... I just got it. You mean my death... right?
Possibly. So many emotions go through your head when a loved one gets hurt, especially when you start thinking about what could have happened. We tend to, at least I do, re-evaluate some of our own behaviors a little. She may regret not going with you.

You said "she got a better offer". Does she like to ski? For me, I would NEVER turn down a ski trip to go to Vegas, but I would turn down Vegas in a second for a ski trip. My bff is just the opposite, snow is not her thing, but Vegas is.
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  #42  
Old 02-26-2011, 03:52 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I think perhaps my comment or that pledge to my kids has been used against me. She knows where I stand on this topic right or wrong. She knows I'm not going to walk away.

The big problem I have is the disconnect between word and actions....To me actions are much more powerful than words.... I love you can only go so far.
These two things-totally there with you!

I won't divorce Maca. I'm not watching my kids suffer the shit I've seen other people's kids suffer in divorce court and I'm not doing that to myself. He can leave as he see's fit (not in the plans) but I'm not.

And actions speak louder than words didn't become a common saying for no reason.
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  #43  
Old 02-26-2011, 11:07 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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SN

Has your husband read the book.... or at least understand the concepts and know his and your love language? This was one of the books on the recommended reading list by our couple therapist, very illuminating for me.

I think the idea of spending time and being in close proximity to one another could be interpreted differently. When you decided not to go to these event did he even notice or care? My guess is not....

Re-evaluate....maybe.... something has changed in the past few weeks.
And also ever since that weekend my daughter has had my wife in her crosshairs....her instincts or the story or stories she was told didn't add up or a combination of all the above. I've seen I daughter going through my wives phone claiming she needed a phone number.....that sparked a fire. She is relentless if she is on a hunt and finds any information to support her theory she's not going to stop.

Yes my wife loves to ski. To be fair she gone many family ski trips..2-3 a year and maybe more with ski club as chaperon. It may be escapism....lust filled trip away from husband and family completely bullshit free.... I get it... but at what cost. I'm sure lot people would love to do these types of things but don't because of the cost/damage it would cause. To me her trip was disappointing from family prospective....could I have done the exact same thing.... answer most likely no.... In my opinion she is looking at this from her very narrow prospective. Years ago I participated in sailboat racing and every yr there was the granddaddy of races and it fell on my daughters birthday....first few yr we celebrated her birthday either week before or the week after..before she knew the calender. Then I got to thinking what I'm I saying to my daughter sailing a boat is more important than her birthday....no way I stop doing that race just not worth it to me. To me it was selfish. This summer I think I'll try backing out of a long weekend at summer house....can't wait to hear why that won't work. She wont be able to prep the boat, carry the gear, inflate the tubes etc,etc, the list of duties is quite long... even if she could do some of the things needed she wont want to. A side from the physical stuff she'll want it to be a family event..."just wont be the same if you're not there." I've actually heard this before.

I think its simple..... romantic love out sourcing. I think moving to a more secondary roll and myself look to out source that aspect of my life might help put some balance back.

LR
I've often thought if some of things were done or are done to try to force me into a divorce situation.....to make the other person quit. I friend of mind said his ex had admitted to this yrs after their divorce.....she didn't want to be the one to file first or be the bad guy/gal. So instead she wanted to make life a living hell to force him to be the bad guy.... fucked up I know .... makes ya think though.

The new saying should be: Actions speak louder than word Unless NRE is involved then its anyone's fucking guess...
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  #44  
Old 02-26-2011, 11:45 PM
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SN

Has your husband read the book.... or at least understand the concepts and know his and your love language? This was one of the books on the recommended reading list by our couple therapist, very illuminating for me.

I think the idea of spending time and being in close proximity to one another could be interpreted differently. When you decided not to go to these event did he even notice or care? My guess is not....
We read the book, he probably stuck to the highlights after I read it, but it was definitely an excelent book. I wish we had read 20 years ago, although it probably wouldn't have made as big an impact . Things have been much better the last 5 months. I actually learned about the book from people on this board and beat our marriage councelor to bring it up.

Last July/August, I was filling out divorce paperwork, things were really bad. We have both done alot of work on both ourselves and our relationship. I still wish it didn't hurt so bad when we hit the lows. It's like the devastaton from last July all over again, but it doesn't last as long and we find solutions and appologies sooner. I think that might be why it's so hard to recover when things go bad, things are great for a while, but when issues come up, the hurt isn't proportional to the immediate problem, it hits the lowest low again.
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  #45  
Old 02-27-2011, 12:44 PM
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LR
I've often thought if some of things were done or are done to try to force me into a divorce situation.....to make the other person quit. I friend of mind said his ex had admitted to this yrs after their divorce.....she didn't want to be the one to file first or be the bad guy/gal. So instead she wanted to make life a living hell to force him to be the bad guy.... fucked up I know .... makes ya think though.
'Be the worst possible partner you can be to make them call it quits first' is like the oldest trick in the 'Really Low Moves in any Relationship' book. A friend likes to do this with cheating so long and so hard he just has to kick her out.
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  #46  
Old 02-28-2011, 05:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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SN

It sounds like he may not be as motivated to make your collective situation better. When we finally decided to see a therapist which in most cases is way to late.... I thought our problems were mostly generated from my wife. However my motivation was my kids. When I shifted my thinking from fault to learning lots changed. I read all the books, did all the home work kept a journal...never did that before...learn as much as I could about myself and relationship counseling

As a result I learned a lot. I didn't understand the love language concept. Simple communication techniques that eliminated the frustration and eventual break down which always resulted in name calling and swearing. With in a month everyone could see a marked difference. The heat had been turned way down.

Are you still going to the marriage counselor? Does your husband feel these same lower lows or is it just you? Maybe its a memory type response. It was a few years ago but I do remember similar problems happening.....generally it was because the "issue" had been thoroughly beat to death with some satisfactory conclusion only to be repeated by the offending party all over again. This resulted in disappointment, frustration and anger. I viewed these fractures as a complete disregard for the process and the agreement as to how to move forward. However in truth old habits and thought die hard.... Two steps forward 1-3 back.
Good luck D

Blackunicorn .... ya..I think you're right lowest of the low...
I personally wouldn't want to treat someone badly intentionally....bad Karma...waste of everyone's time, golden rule, not to mention its cowardly.
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  #47  
Old 02-28-2011, 06:10 PM
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Blackunicorn .... ya..I think you're right lowest of the low...
I personally wouldn't want to treat someone badly intentionally....bad Karma...waste of everyone's time, golden rule, not to mention its cowardly.
From my observations, the people who do this tend to have histories of abuse, and they channel the hurt into various addictions, romance/NRE/sex addiction among them. They have a really low esteem and are constantly looking for that one person who can make them whole. Their baggage makes them the worst possible candidates for long-term mutually committed monogamy (or responsible polyamory for that matter), but they tend to crave love and attachment. And when they get it, they think either 1) this person doesn't really love me, because I'm inherently unlovable; 2) this person doesn't really know how horrible and unlovable I am inside, so I have to make them understand by showing them; or 3) this person loves me, which makes them a total loser, for who else would love somebody as unlovable as me?

While I'm not saying this kind of behavior is okay, it is often not entirely intentional, either.
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  #48  
Old 02-28-2011, 06:43 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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SN

It sounds like he may not be as motivated to make your collective situation better.
Huh? Prior to the disaster of last July, I would probably agree, but since we have both worked hard to make changes and correct issues quite a number of issues.

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Are you still going to the marriage counselor? Does your husband feel these same lower lows or is it just you? Maybe its a memory type response.
Yes, we are still seeing the councelor, but only once a month and even that is killing our finances right now. I don't think he does feel the same lows. I was the one betrayed and experienced anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. I'm sure the current low's are memory related. It's like everytime we have a fight (completely un-related to the issues of last July), I go throught the same heart crushing, near anxiety feelings of despair, as if there is no hope. They are getting fewer and don't last as long, but we are dealing with 20 years of bad communication and resentments, so some of it is to be expected.

I think it is these memory related low's that make repairing damaged relationships so hard. Even small little things can set off the feeling of absolute despair.
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  #49  
Old 02-28-2011, 08:29 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The reason I questioned his motivation was you saying read the highlights of the Chapman book that's all. I know exactly how you feel as to the expense of it all....sucks ....I ended up looking at it as investment...maybe paying out in the future or helping my kids.

Has being here helped with your own situation? Have you posted questions to gain insight into your relationship issues? What better place to get relationship guidance....from people who have 2 or 3 going on all at once.

take care D
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  #50  
Old 02-28-2011, 09:16 PM
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SN

The reason I questioned his motivation was you saying read the highlights of the Chapman book that's all. I know exactly how you feel as to the expense of it all....sucks ....I ended up looking at it as investment...maybe paying out in the future or helping my kids.

Has being here helped with your own situation? Have you posted questions to gain insight into your relationship issues? What better place to get relationship guidance....from people who have 2 or 3 going on all at once.

take care D
He told me he would read the whole book (I have it downloaded on my Laptop), but as he has made a concerted effort and we have discussed it alot, I didn't think it was necessary.

Being here on this board has helped me tremendously in so many areas. I have gained incredible insight into relationships, COMMUNICATION and how to live outside the box. I have also learned alot about myself and somethings I wasn't taking care of personally, that the councelor never even touched on. I have looked at other boards dealing with marriage and I'll never go back to them as I have gotten much more unbiased, non-judgemental help here.
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