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  #31  
Old 02-20-2011, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You stated NRE is not problem ...or the cause it the result. But seems to be proffered up as an excuse.. Is this a chicken and the egg argument?
Well, when people are in NRE they are drugged up and experiencing a rush of adrenaline... among other things... hormones etc. There is a thread on this somewhere. The question is, what does one do with that? Do you run off to Vegas behind your families back to have a fuck fest? Or do you quietly mull over it while on vacation and plan to meet your lover later... looking forward to it, planning NRE out as a treat for when you are with them....

I dunno DH, I seemed to of pulled off a respectful way to deal with my NRE without anyone blowing up... no chicken and egg stuff went on or goes on. My darling husband on the other hand is not the greatest with dealing with his NRE. I have had to put my foot down a couple of times now when he has neglected his responsibilities.

NRE happens over all kinds of things; spring in the air, a kitten, dancing to a beat and allowing myself to get totally lost.... containing it in appropriate moments is what I have strived for. Dancing like I do when I go out for the night is not appropriate in a grocery store for instance. Nor is taking a day off work to feel the spring air on my face (okay, well maybe that is okay, depending on the situation ). NRE can be very selfish, its okay to be selfish if it is contained in appropriate moments I think. It should not be used as an excuse for not considering other partners. No one gives a shit about other peoples NRE. Only the person in it cares. Others might have some compersion, but that can vanish if they are not being respected. Responsibility is responsibility, NRE has no place there as far as I am concerned.

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How would My mentioning my decision to change life ins, be in the spirit of setting an example of how I wish to be treated??? I think it would look like some type of blackmail or pressure or manipulation. Early I debated telling her at all...if its truly symbolic ...why bring it up .... why possibly hurt her...
I think you misunderstood. What I was saying is that by discussing it first, or even telling her what your plan is would be setting an example of how you expect to be treated. She didn't tell you about her trip, you in turn aren't telling her about the insurance. An eye for an eye doesn't set an example of how you want to be treated. "Do unto other as you would have them do unto you (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Golden_Rule)." I'm not Christain, but this is a profound statement and words to live by to me... I also think of "An it harm none, do what ye will (in harming none and helping all)" from the Wiccan Rede (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wiccan_Rede)...

As you say though, it might mean nothing to her... but it might mean something to her if you are even concerned about it.
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  #32  
Old 02-22-2011, 03:51 AM
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I haven't read the other thread you referenced, but I did read this thread straight through, and I feel like I'm missing something.

If you had told her in advance, "I think it's in the best interests of our children for me to change my insurance so that they are my beneficiaries, and I'm making it so that someone else will handle the money because I'm alarmed by the bad choices you are making, and I'm finding it impossible to trust you" then that would be a statement of fact. It might have been an emotional scene, and unhappy for everyone involved, but not manipulative unless you were trying to use it to control her behavior. Telling her after the fact might have the same effect, but if it were to happen to me I would feel ambushed, like I'd been given no notice that my behavior was unacceptable to you and that I'd been given no chance to change my ways.

I don't know if you're communicating with her, and I'm really not trying to condone her behavior, but I have to wonder if she would try to be a better partner if she had a chance to hear these things that you're sharing with us. Maybe I'm being naive, because I have a tough time understanding behavior like what you're describing from your wife.
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  #33  
Old 02-22-2011, 03:25 PM
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DH, I read this thread and your pain is very palpable. I think you probably have gone through this in some other thread, but I must ask; what is keeping you married to your wife? 20 years? You love her, you just have hard time remembering/expressing/accepting it right now? Kids? You're stubborn? You honestly believe things will get better?

As to your original question; my primary doesn't consider me her primary. Reason; we don't have sex. A perfectly valid reason to my mind.
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  #34  
Old 02-22-2011, 04:50 PM
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good morning to all

Rp

Yes I did misunderstand your statement. I have tried very hard though out this to respect all views and behaviors. I try to live my life by that rule. In my professional life I'm trying to get away from contracts and get back to old fashion hand shakes.

I think the NRE thing is case specific....some it handle well others don't. But I can tell you that it seems to be used as excuse or a reason to explain possible bad behavior. Several times on here people have said things to that effect..its NRE.. it wont last forever... hang in there... Its not her fault is NRE....as if it season flu or something. I know one thing and three people maybe more are bearing the brunt of that NRE. And I could list all the areas in which I believe to have been effected. Some of these concerns have been discussed with her... others have not. Most times its viewed as an attack, and then dismissed as my insecurity or jealousy.

When I was pissing blood and having real difficulty drawing a breath.... the thought of those two living it up in vegas with my kids money was something I wasn't willing to risk. Not the best time to be doing heavy mental work.. However, days later after some healing and uninterrupted sleep I still wanted to protect my kids from that possible down side. In my head I don't see this as a big deal nothing really changes ... I however am not that emotional about financial matters. As for RP and lemondrops point of having a conversation about....well that could still happen because I have not said anything yet. I feel bad about doing this and still being on her policy that is one of the reasons I feel I have to say something soon as I want to be removed from her policy.

Thanks Rp... didn't have the fuck fest image in my head until now... thanks.....kidding

Lemondrop ... The discussion of not being "the primary" that I had with my wife was born out of behavior and situations in which I saw a shift or sliding away from our relationship. I've mentioned the issue of time, dates, etc out of fairness....this is not uncommon in fact its most likely common. People talk about the shift in their sex lifes "sexless marriage thread" others talk about loving their partners but..not being in love with their wifes/husbands/ partners....some of the stuff I've complained about were not in the brochure when I signed up. Hope that clears things up a little... if not just ask ... I appreciate all of the different prospectives.
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  #35  
Old 02-22-2011, 05:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
...I think the NRE thing is case specific....some it handle well others don't. But I can tell you that it seems to be used as excuse or a reason to explain possible bad behavior. Several times on here people have said things to that effect..its NRE.. it wont last forever... hang in there... Its not her fault is NRE....as if it season flu or something. I know one thing and three people maybe more are bearing the brunt of that NRE. And I could list all the areas in which I believe to have been effected. Some of these concerns have been discussed with her... others have not. Most times its viewed as an attack, and then dismissed as my insecurity or jealousy.
The NRE is an explanation for behavior, not an excuse. The chemical reaction in the brain is well known to cause poor decision-making and lack of forethought. That doesn't make it right when you hurt the people who love you.

I have a pre-diabetic condition, so sometimes my blood sugar drops unexpectedly. This can cause everything from massive stupidity (as in, I can't figure out how to add 2+2) to a raving psycho bitch. My family and I have learned to recognize the signs that something is off, and have ideas for things to do to alleviate the situation. My behavior is more likely to be bad during these episodes, but we all try to take steps to control and remedy the cause. If I were to scream at one of the kids during this time, it wouldn't be acceptable to me BUT I might not recognize that I was behaving badly until my blood sugar was dealt with. That wouldn't mean that it was okay for me to scream at my kids; it just might make my apology go over better afterwards. Might.

All I've got left is I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry your kids are going through this.
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  #36  
Old 02-22-2011, 07:34 PM
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blackunicorn... Great questions... Yes/no/yes/yes, yes very, yes..... kidding.

One mistake I made was telling my wife that to me this was a big commitment not to be entered into lightly. Take as much time as you need think long and hard. About yr or so into our marriage the talk of kids came up and again I said " this is great but its not something to be taken lightly. I think I said you add kids to this marriage there would only be two ways out kill me or kill yourself. Why did I say this?

My wife's parents had each 3+ marriages. Thats just marriages lets not forget the numerous other relationships and live in situations. The fallout form that was apparent even then. There was/Is no fucking way my kids will have to go through something like that. I was in my 30's before entertaining marriage. I think I lived a poly lifestyle all through my 20's.. Not the first girl I kissed.

I think perhaps my comment or that pledge to my kids has been used against me. She knows where I stand on this topic right or wrong. She knows I'm not going to walk away. Maybe somebody here remembers where I wrote out our brief history and could provide a link, that

Yes I do love my wife.... I think she is suffering and is trying to fill some void or hole... most likely from past.

No ... I don't think I've trouble expressing my love. Maybe lately yes...or not feeling like expressing anything..

Stubborn .... ya very... 20yrs and 2 kids its something to work for.

Things getting better.... WOW just don't know right now...I think I have to try and reframe things in my head and in real life.

The big problem I have is the disconnect between word and actions....To me actions are much more powerful than words.... I love you can only go so far.
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  #37  
Old 02-22-2011, 07:38 PM
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Thanks lemondrop for thoughts and comments you are very kind. I'm confident things will work out.
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  #38  
Old 02-23-2011, 11:04 AM
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Currently my primary is rebounding after a psychotic breakdown, and it has put a huge stress on our relationship, which has moved more into a parent/caretaker-child arrangement. We don't live together at the moment, she is struggling with severe financial issues that I am of limited help in etc. Hell, we even had a fight a few weeks back! She is confident that this will make us stronger though, and that our relationship will deepen with the crisis. At my despairing moments I try to remember I love the person, not the illness. So I think I understand some of what you are saying, DH.
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  #39  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:55 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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blackunicorn thanks for comments.

wow sounds like your going through a lot right now. I have no idea of what the ramifications of psychotic breakdown are but it sounds horrible and labor intensive. Does she have other poly partners to help in this crisis? What causes a psychotic breakdown?
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  #40  
Old 02-24-2011, 05:16 PM
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Thanks! I don't want to hog your thread, but I'll answer briefly.

She needs pretty much constant baby-sitting, and for other people to structure her day, tell her to shower, encourage her to eat, to take care of her daily business etc. Right now I hope the tweak in her medication will help, since she recently took a turn to the worse (hence the fight!). She has other platonic partners/friends and is living primarily with her mum at this point, although I'm looking forward to moving back in with her in a week or two.

In her case, she has been feeling for a while now that she is a bad person, and destructive to all people around her. She keeps on telling me and everyone else near-and-dear that we would be so much better if she were dead. One of her favourite themes is that we think that we love her, but it's only because we don't know how horrible she really is inside. She feels that she is selfish and demanding and drains people around her and gives nothing back.

All of this is complete bull, of course, but her delusions are so strong that she often feels like 'Person A doesn't like me, in fact they hate me, and they are actively plotting my downfall'.
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