Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 02-15-2011, 07:42 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Okay, while I've basically caught up, I still haven't read the bit about the accident. Sometimes it's necessary to "skim". Otherwise, a boy has no life.

The picture I'm getting is that She is in in NRE, and at the moment He's everything to her.
That happens, and it's not hers or anyone else's fault. And also it seems that she's probably not her own primary. Yet. And what that means is that she's got love flowing with herself (if she's 'her own primary'). Simply put. She's perhaps wanting and "needing" that from other/s, as if it were not an "inside job". If we're lucky, at some point, we realize it's all an inside job.: We "get" about as much as we give. But if we feel empty (a "hole"), it's difficult at best to imagine anything that isn't a Life Raft Situation (LRS). A situation in which we're needing to be rescued by a knight or princess in Shining Amour. The illusion is always brief--however convincing at the moment.

My hope and wish for all of us is that we Wake Up from the Story and its feelingtones. That's why that book -- "Radical Acceptance" touched my heartstrings as it did. See: thread on Spirituality and Polyamory >>> "Radical Acceptance" -- which is about loving self as "primary". Hugs!

Last edited by River; 02-15-2011 at 07:49 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 02-15-2011, 08:22 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

mono.... Now you know why I was out buying 1000 advil. I still think that day you may have needed them more than I did.

SNeacail ... I went to my lawyer first and you are correct and that hurdle has been over come.... I just didn't want get into the legal minutiae here.

River... thanks for the reply ... As to insight ..... It doesn't matter how many people see problem or its possible fix. If the person who has said problem doesn't see it or refuses to acknowledge it makes things a lot more interesting. To be very honest I think this is like the perfect storm. Parent modeling, trauma from multi-parents and divorces, etc... brain chemistry was treated for depression...parents both alcoholics again chemistry.... mid life crisis which include hormonal changes again back to chemistry. I would be surprised in it was a combination of all those listed and 5 more factors uncovered during the process.

Now I knew what was up 2 days before the trip.... Not from anything being said directly but we exchanged a glance in which she had to look away. She knew I knew what her intentions were. I could have said I wanted her to go or that I thought family time was important.. I didn't. I thought if you don't want to be with us I don't want you with us for all of the natural reasons.

We had a similar argument back in oct or nov. She planned a spring break vacation to Florida for the 3 of us. That's never happened before, always the entire family and sometimes extended family. A month earlier she was talking about all the vacation day she needed to use. My HUGE problem was the selling of it to the kids first... When I blew up she said she was just trying to do something nice and that she was going to pay the 3500 dollar condo and airfare my end was food and rent a car, what a nice gesture on her part.

Wants and needs all seem to blend at some point.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 02-15-2011, 08:35 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

River .... Man do I get the skim part. The problem I have is then remembering everyone's stories.

YA... get the NRE thing.. Lot of time and energy gets spent on techniques to over come jealousy, however no Jedi mind tricks to deal with NRE. Two thing on opposite sides of the spectrum.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-15-2011, 08:36 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

I agree, at this point, with the poster who said that y'all should seek professional councelling help. Oftentimes, such folks can help sort it all out. Wants, needs, or otherwise. But choose carefully (the councellor, that is.) Anyway, Dingedheart, I wish for YOU peace and joy and healing.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-15-2011, 08:37 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,616
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The problem I have is then remembering everyone's stories.
Or they all run together and you can't remember which story went with which person.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-15-2011, 08:43 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

What, SNeacail? You're not perfect in EVERY way? Shame on you!
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-18-2011, 06:11 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

river... Nre ...no one's fault... I think I have to disagree. We all make choices and I never get a pass on bad or thoughtless decisions no matter what.

As for the therapy suggestion. A few years ago we went as a couple and also as individually. One week as couple the next we would go separate then as couple the following week. We did this for about 5 months at which time it was concluded that the problem was in my wife's court. The therapist told me that she was happy to see me and if I needed to come as a way to process and or vent we could continue, but the work on I'm end was completed. And I have to say I learn a lot by the entire process, and it was not something I was excited to do. My wife continued for another few months maybe longer. It went from once a week to once every two weeks to something less... I think the therapist drop her because last minute cancellations and things of that nature. That's speculation on my part but when I suggested she might want to go back if she needed to talk to someone outside the mess she implied she couldn't go back to her.

SCeacail....what is the story behind your username?? I never remember it correctly, and always have to go back and check....I need something to get it to stick.. You mentioned that you also have felt that spending time or dates with husband was out of obligation and not true desire. Foreign concept to me. Did your husband pick up on that??? Do you feel your husband does that to you? If so are you ok with that? Just after the primary status discussion she was trying to initiate a sexual encounter to which I responded... "not really in the mood but if you need some type of release I'm more than happy to help with that". Guess what happened??? Not that interested after that. Seemed a little insulted... I could be wrong though.... so hard to tell these days.

After my run in with gravity and packed snow she seems much more affectionate. More hugs and kisses on the cheek, and the like. I get the intention but this is could be a mixed message for a guy with broken ribs.
I've told her that I don't need this new display to which she said "I'm not doing this for you I'm doing it for me. I feel safe... I feel safe in your arms" I didn't really know what to say in that moment..... long pause.. " that good I'm glad you feel safe" There was at least 4 other things rattling around in there that could have come out but I was just to beat up to start some emotionally draining session.

Although my changing some estate planning which is mostly symbolic and would have no effect on day to day life even if I were to die. I still have not told her of these changes. I not sure what will be the reaction... How would some of you people react if confronted with this type of news???

Hey... River.... maybe here's where NRE could actually work for me.... she may not give a shit at all.

thanks D
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-18-2011, 06:59 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,616
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
when I suggested she might want to go back if she needed to talk to someone outside the mess she implied she couldn't go back to her.
Wouldn't hurt to look for someone that connects with her better.

Quote:
SCeacail....what is the story behind your username?? I never remember it correctly, and always have to go back and check....I need something to get it to stick..
He He, I'll admit, probably not the best username. S is my first initial and Neacail is the Galic spelling of my maiden name. Truth is I have to type it to remember how to spell it sometimes, sorry. SN works for me.

Quote:
You mentioned that you also have felt that spending time or dates with husband was out of obligation and not true desire. Foreign concept to me. Did your husband pick up on that??? Do you feel your husband does that to you? If so are you ok with that?
I'm sure he did pick up on some of it and truth was, there wasn't alot of dates between us, which was part of the problem. I'm a "acts of service" and "quality time" person and he was never home, so there was a big disconnect there. Sometimes what started out as an obligation was very enjoyable and didn't end as an obligation, but it was something that I had to talk myself into in the first place.

I do think he has done the same, but I viewed it as him recognizing that something was out of place and he was trying to find a way to rectify it. He didn't always get it right and everything just seemed forced, but I couldn't hold it completely against him. Sometimes it takes effort to break old habits, once the habit of indiference and complacency is broken, the true desire will follow.

Quote:
After my run in with gravity and packed snow she seems much more affectionate. More hugs and kisses on the cheek, and the like. I get the intention but this is could be a mixed message for a guy with broken ribs.
It could be that she realized she could have lost something she really does value. Ask her? I guess I would also tell her how it makes you feel when she abandons you and the family at the last minute, to go play elsewhere.

Quote:
Although my changing some estate planning which is mostly symbolic and would have no effect on day to day life even if I were to die. I still have not told her of these changes. I not sure what will be the reaction... How would some of you people react if confronted with this type of news???
Oh, it won't be pretty and she will probably be deeply hurt. Based on some of your other statements of her past history, I would guess that, it's more about how she treats and acts toward you and the family than it is about her having a bf. Would you feel differently, if she treated you better consistently? Be clear about where you think the problem lies and what she can do to fix it.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-18-2011, 08:49 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
river... Nre ...no one's fault... I think I have to disagree. We all make choices and I never get a pass on bad or thoughtless decisions no matter what.
.....she said "I'm not doing this for you I'm doing it for me. I feel safe... I feel safe in your arms" I didn't really know what to say in that moment..... long pause.. " that good I'm glad you feel safe"
....
Although my changing some estate planning which is mostly symbolic and would have no effect on day to day life even if I were to die. I still have not told her of these changes. I not sure what will be the reaction... How would some of you people react if confronted with this type of news???
to me, thoughtless decisions and bad choices are a result of some peoples inability to act and respond approriately to NRE. NRE is not the cause of her behaviour, its the result of how she handles it. Not very well by the sounds of it.

I think the two other points in the quote relate. Her sense of safety might be jeporidized. I don't necessarily think that you shouldn't of done what you did, but I guess you could of mentioned it before in the spirit of setting an example of how you wish to be treated. I don't blame you for how you handled it though.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 02-18-2011 at 11:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-20-2011, 02:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,278
Default

SN

Wish I'd ask the user name question sooner.....thanks....thanks a lot.

I'm a little confused. If your love languages are service and quality time why wouldn't you want to spend time with him? Or put another way if your love language is quality time why would you have to force yourself to spend time with him?

Its kind of funny I was reading your comment of the "affection" and the loss and..... I just got it. You mean my death... right? I couldn't figure out what the loss was because I haven't told her of the changes yet. Maybe ...Or it could she feels a little guilty not being able to help when needed. Could be she wants to look caring to someones who's been injured. When friends and neighbor are sick or injured she always without question is doing things for them... and generally she isn't asked she just does stuff....good friend. I have to say I never thought what you mentioned as a motivation for the new affection. Not real good at reading her motivations and even when I ask direct questions I don't always trust the answers. I just thought it was unusual...timing and all. I never felt she abandoned the family.....she got a better offer. I think this single act somewhat reinforces my position of her doing thing out of obligation. Given a choice there is no choice.

Not goin to be pretty.....and then some. But have been consistently wrong on reactions or actions I might be worried for nothing. I think timing is going to be the key. I think I need to revisit this primary topic and spell out its how it looks to me.

I agreed to this journey... so from an intellectual point of view I get it. And as I said I "think" I may have practiced this very lifestyle as a younger man. Most of my problems are operational.

Rp
You stated NRE is not problem ...or the cause it the result. But seems to be proffered up as an excuse.. Is this a chicken and the egg argument?

My wife will not suffer financially if I were to die...house is paid for..... stocks other investments she would be a part of.... the difference she wouldn't wildly, and or grossly profit form my death.

How would My mentioning my decision to change life ins, be in the spirit of setting an example of how I wish to be treated??? I think it would look like some type of blackmail or pressure or manipulation. Early I debated telling her at all...if its truly symbolic ...why bring it up .... why possibly hurt her...
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:46 AM.