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Old 10-20-2013, 03:43 PM
amberwoo amberwoo is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Smile New to polyamoury would love some advice

Hi All,

I'm new to this. Just out of a 3 year marriage. I want to be polyamourous and he doesn't. I'm sure I've done the right thing but it is a sad time and I want advice from anyone who has been through something similar. Thanx xxx
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Old 10-21-2013, 06:45 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi amberwoo,
Welcome to our forum.

When I first started thinking about polyamory, it was during a stressful period of internal change in my life, and I was (I'm now sorry to say) of half a mind to divorce my wife. You see, she didn't want a bunch of changes, and didn't want to hear about all the stuff I was learning, but then, she had the slight disadvantage of having Alzheimer's and when a disease is stealing your memories, I think you try to cling to the safe and the familiar, the things you know.

Why couldn't I have been more sympathetic? because I felt like I'd been such a push-over all my life, and I didn't want to trust anyone anymore, nor put up with anything, nor stand for anything. Wow, what an awful husband I was as a result. But she did *not* want to leave me.

Luckily, my current poly companions showed up in my life at that time, and they saw that my wife and I were both in trouble. Being the most generous people ever, they adopted the two of us as their family. So now my wife had three caregivers. It saved my sanity, not a moment too soon, but things were still pretty rough for several years.

As time went on, my wife went further downhill, and I slowly started remembering how to appreciate her more. But by the time I really cared enough, it was too late. Alzheimer's had finally erased her memory of me, and then not too long after, she passed away. I am glad for her that she's no longer suffering, but sad for me that I'll never see her face again.

Don't know how similar that is to your situation, but the point is I did experience a time when I'd have divorced my wife if in good conscience I could have. We were on very different roads at that time, although for her part she couldn't much help that.

I think anytime you lose someone you love, you have to grieve over it. Sometimes you have struggle through the steps of grief such as denial, anger, bargaining, grief per se, and finally acceptance. The only advice I know to give you at this time is to give yourself the time to grieve that you need. Surely you will have some awful days ahead of you. But in the end, you need to know that you and your husband both needed to be free to pursue your different paths in life.

For what it's worth, you have a listening ear here. Feel free to post anytime you need to vent or muse or ask a question or whatever. If you start a new thread, post me a link here leading to that thread and I'll follow it.

I just want to offer my sympathies and hope things get better, little by little.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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