Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-19-2013, 08:41 PM
Jcon Jcon is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 8
Default Anti-poly resources

I'll be brief - but I'm currently in a mono relationship and I'm trying to breach the topic of poly with her. I'm not trying to 'convert' her or anything... but just give her some sense of understanding and I'm being met with a fair amount of (what I view as ) ignorance.

Now, I'm usually good at debating, however I tend to be aggressive in my approach and when emotions get involve I can lose my sense of tact. I don't want her to feel like her mono views are wrong, even though I pretty much think they are. I get some people are just wired for monogamy, but many more are also just conditioned. Distinguishing the two can be tricky.

That said, I want to point her to some poly resources... but in an effort to be unbiased, I want to point her to some resources that are also anti-poly... Something that can give a bit of an argument other than; "It's just gross and wrong"

Because currently that's her only real feelings about the subject.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2013, 12:45 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by Jcon View Post
"It's just gross and wrong"

Because currently that's her only real feelings about the subject.
Google is your friend. I'm not going to Google it for you, but I can suggest searching for "science of monogamy" or "rational support monogamy" etc. Use prefixes which guide the type of information that comes up in a search.

Note: this is true for any topic you want more information on.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2013, 06:25 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Don't discuss it until you can appreciate that neither relationship style it's superior or wrong at all. When you're at a point where you can understand that, maybe you'll be able to have a rational discussion.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2013, 09:14 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 37

Interesting question. As a mono-slanting person who has been working for years to sort out what is conditioned in me and what might be my intrinsic relational preference, I might suggest a different way to go about it. How about just start where she is at - if I understand it correctly, her only real feelings about poly are that it's gross and wrong?

Based on that statement my guess is that she is not as analytical as you are. Maybe you would want a theoretical framework for understanding and accepting a relationship style but would that help her? Are you assuming that what you need is what she would need?

Is a debate a what you really want in your relationship? If you like that, online is better, not with the someone who might have been conditioned all her life to look for and snuggle into a one-and-only love. If that is the case, I would guess that her feelings need tending to first. If she is mono conditioned, she'll come up with all kinds of arguments against poly

And really you're not out to convert her? That doesn't feel true based on the little info I have. London's advice was right on. For me it has been only through listening with my heart and then reinforced by years of reading that I can even begin to accept poly as a theoretically successful relationship style. I could write a lot of pages of why mono is better theoretically and practically but I live with and love a man who is deeply committed to poly. I don't want to debate with him, I don't want to win an argument (well sometimes I really do), I want to create a safe place in which both our needs can be met.

And I hope that you challenge yourself as deeply as you are about to challenge her. Here the mono partner is endlessly told to look at their insecurities and so on and I would hope that the polys do that too. What is your level of participation and intimacy in your current relationship, is there maybe something you're avoiding? What is the condition of your spiritual, mental, physical and financial health? What insecurities or immaturity are you addressing through pursuing other relationships? Thrill seeking at what cost? Maybe you are awesome and you've already addressed these areas but maybe they need attention first.

Good luck to you and to her!
Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2013, 09:36 PM
Octopus Octopus is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 38

I like this article: Why Monogamy isn't the Problem.

I think there is a lot to criticize about this article, but it does sort of fit your description, and maybe you'll get something out of it: Angry for a reason: Polyamory and Activism.

I'll be interested in any more articles too.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2013, 01:24 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,072

*sigh* I find some radical feminists attitudes toward sex just maddening. (The second article Octopus kindly linked to is from that perspective.) And I am a fan of radical feminism in many ways. But the writings I see just seem incapable of incorporating pleasure into women's sexuality. They seem incapable of seeing women as sexual actors in an unequal society. Perfect equality is not necessary for awesome, consensual sex. Polyamory, unlike religious non-monogamy, is full of women who exercise full sexual agency. Yes, it's not perfect. But that's humanity.

Arggh! So frustrating to me.

Last edited by opalescent; 10-21-2013 at 01:26 AM. Reason: more info
Reply With Quote
Old 10-22-2013, 05:46 PM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 49
Default Physician gtoffer

Interesting topic! Me and my husband just happened to become poly, not by rational choice. It more or less happened. So my husband is like your partner; thinking about it all but less positive than my opinion. What i notice is that every subject i read online for example, he reads different. As if he reads with mono glasses while i read with poly glasses. So how to come closer to each other is a challenge!

I hope to learn to have a good balance in challenging myself and challenging *converting* the other. I read usefull reactions here.

Good luck and i will read this topic with you...
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:07 AM.