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  #1  
Old 11-04-2013, 11:35 PM
fiveflowerfencer fiveflowerfencer is offline
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Default New to being open or poly or what do you call it anyway?

Hi,

This is my first post so please pardon me if I am posting in the wrong forum.

I am recently (within the last 9 months) divorced and have been dating almost since my divorce. Partially because I tend to attract people as I'm open, friendly, outgoing, and (I hear, not trying to brag) attractive. Since I've started dating/sleeping around, I have upfront told everyone I've seen that right now I'm not comfortable committing to one person exclusively and that I am interesting in exploring things that I haven't experienced yet.

Part of what caused my divorce was this desire to expand my knowledge sexually and maybe emotionally. The other part was dishonesty. So, I have told all my partners that I am going to be open about who I'm seeing and who I'm sleeping with, though I refrain from details unless they really want to know. And I insist on honesty from my partners, especially on "Milestones" like if they decide to start sleeping with someone new or whatever.

I have been involved with G for about 5 months, though I knew him through friends peripherally for a few years. He and I have grown very close and while I resisted telling him I love him for a while, I recently did (Too soon? I'm not sure...) though he also responded the same. He knew that I am trying not to move too quickly and that I am seeing other people, but he also knows that he is my #1. However, he is also having a hard time being OK with me dating other ppl. He says he wants me to do what makes me happy and that he doesn't want me to do something for him which is against what I want ("monogamous" committment so soon after marriage).

I've also been sort of dating N since about the same time I started dating G, though N and I are much more casual. He is into the BDSM scene which is something I've been incredibly curious about and want to explore but haven't known how/had the bravery to do so. N is dominant enough to get me out of my comfort zone (as to what I want), has enough knowledge about being sub to teach me stuff about being dom, and has the money to invest in toys and clubs where I don't. I like N as a friend but our romantic relationship is mostly sexual.

G knows about N (and knew about others that I've either stopped seeing or were just one-time things) but still seems uncomfortable with the whole non-exclusive thing even though I spend 90% of my free time with G and 5% or less with N.

Recently I went out of town and my travelling partner bailed at the last minute and I invited G but work wouldnt let him get time off, and not wanting to go alone I invite N. G knew about that, but still when he saw the pics on FB (which I asked G if i could post), he still said that he got jealous.

G has only had relations once with one other person since we started dating and says he has a hard time being interested in other women when he's interested in me.

Am I in trouble? Have I invested my heart in someone who wants to come around but ultimately won't be able to? Am I making a mistake being so honest about N (I'll tell G I'm going out with N if he asks when I have plans or if there's a thing N invites me to)? I refuse to give up being open/whatever and might agree to exclusivity in the future, but not right now. Does this mean that I am going to have to accept that there will be a time when I lose G?
Thanks for all your advice.

Last edited by fiveflowerfencer; 11-04-2013 at 11:39 PM.
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  #2  
Old 11-05-2013, 02:21 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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There's no way for us to know if you are making a mistake or not.
The best way to find that out is to ask your partner.

Being point blank about not wanting monogamy.

That he gets jealous doesn't mean he can't be in an open relationship. I am poly and I get jealous or envious at times.

it's more important that he claims responsibility for his own emotions and manages them. If he can do that without putting it on your shoulders to change your behavior in order to stop his jealousy-A+.
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  #3  
Old 11-05-2013, 03:03 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Am I in trouble?
From what?

Quote:
Have I invested my heart in someone who wants to come around but ultimately won't be able to?
Only time will tell that.

Quote:
Am I making a mistake being so honest about N (I'll tell G I'm going out with N if he asks when I have plans or if there's a thing N invites me to)?
No. Honesty is best.
Quote:
I refuse to give up being open/whatever and might agree to exclusivity in the future, but not right now.
Sounds like a "soft limit" then.

Not for now, could change in time.

Quote:
Does this mean that I am going to have to accept that there will be a time when I lose G?
G is free to choose to participate or not choose to participate.

If G decides to no longer participate? Or if G requests you and he become exclusive and you are not at a time/place where you want to do that?

Then yes. A time could come where you and G could consider ending romantic involvement and change to being friends. He's not "lost" if he's your friend. He's just no longer pursuing a lover type relationship with you. Nor you with him. And that being possible doesn't mean it WILL come to pass, but just that it is a possible outcome.

That is something in future time... maybe.

Figuring out how to cope with G's jealousy is in the present time NOW. You could focus on what you have NOW rather than what iffing maybes.

You both could read about jealousy and "poly hell" and talk about how to process that and what behavior you expect from each other and yourselves when one of you feels jealous.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

See it talking it out serves you better than what iffing.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-05-2013 at 02:03 PM.
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  #4  
Old 11-05-2013, 05:01 AM
fiveflowerfencer fiveflowerfencer is offline
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Thanks for the advice so far! It helps to hear from people that this is not uncommon and not weird.

@Galagirl - thanks for the links I will check them out!
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Old 11-05-2013, 08:28 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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One thing you said concerned me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by fiveflowerfencer View Post
he doesn't want me to do something for him which is against what I want ("monogamous" committment so soon after marriage).
Does he know you're not planning to go back to monogamy, or does he think this is just a phase he needs to wait out before he has you all to himself?
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  #6  
Old 11-05-2013, 09:39 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
One thing you said concerned meoes he know you're not planning to go back to monogamy, or does he think this is just a phase he needs to wait out before he has you all to himself?
And do you know the answer too this question or are you unsure yourself?
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  #7  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:42 AM
fiveflowerfencer fiveflowerfencer is offline
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I don't think he feels like he can just "wait it out" as far as me wanting to go "back" to monogamy but on the other hand, I am not 100% sure what I want to go "back" to, or "forward" to or whatever. I think that not being monogamous in some form will work better for me in general. He does know this about me and knows that I don't have plans to go "back" to monogamy. However, if that is what feels natural or my life at any part of my life then I will reconsider it. But I am more living in the moment now than trying to force big plans onto the future.
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