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  #71  
Old 11-03-2013, 09:07 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. My biggest concern lies in the fact that she USED to do all these things, and now doesn't. Doesn't return terms of endearment anymore, doesn't cuddle anymore, etc. it's not that these things were never there. They're just not there anymore.
As every one has said in the last few days, you need to either do the bullet point presentation of how you are feeling...the movie ticket, etc if you still want to see where this relationship could go or say good bye and move on.

I do know my second pregnancy I had to take progesterone to keep my son in me. The hormone effects were not nice in how I responded to dh. And I believe it had effects on me afterwards too (i did not want to be intimate and cuddly--the usual me was not me).

Since it was your metamour's idea for the original 3some that began this relationship, what were they wanting in that first encounter? I'm just curious if it was more for the sex part or emotional part. Had they as a couple prior to inviting you into their bedroom wanted a poly relationship with another or did it evolve from this first night experience? I ask because I think you'll find the answer to her intentions with you by answering those questions for yourself.

In all honesty, if they had not been looking for a poly relationship and it was for just sex, but some feeling evolved from being with you yet now those feelings are gone, I would accept that she had a crush and really isn't willing to admit it was not more than that. Maybe she can't admit it to either you or her husband because she doesn't want to hurt any one's feelings. There could be some thing from the husband that pushed her into a relationship with you as well, facts none of us know and maybe you don't even know, what was his ulterior motive.
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  #72  
Old 11-04-2013, 04:29 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
In all honesty, if they had not been looking for a poly relationship and it was for just sex, but some feeling evolved from being with you yet now those feelings are gone, I would accept that she had a crush and really isn't willing to admit it was not more than that. Maybe she can't admit it to either you or her husband because she doesn't want to hurt any one's feelings. There could be some thing from the husband that pushed her into a relationship with you as well, facts none of us know and maybe you don't even know, what was his ulterior motive.
In the beginning it was just for sex. It was great. We had fun. That was it. I wouldn't even allow myself to feel anything for her. I knew I needed to guard my heart, because an emotional connection would have been far off limits. Three weeks into it, she tells me she has feelings for me... feelings that she never had for anyone except her husband. She would go on and on about how she never thought it was possible to love more than one person at a time. SHE was the one who opened the door to this. When I was finally allowed to let my guard down, I knew that I certainly felt something for her as well. Throughout the entire process, I was completely honest about my feelings for her... even checking with her to make sure these feelings were okay. She always assured me that yes, they were okay and also reciprocated. It was wonderful for awhile. So wonderful. She has always told me that she would tell me if her feelings for me changed. She has always promised to be honest about that. But again, I simply don't feel it. It's in the little things, you know? The glances, the smiles, the notes written just because, the hand holding, the sweet nothings. All fading away, and it breaks my heart. This is going to sound so silly... but she was the first one to use a term of endearment. She started calling me baby, and I loved it. It made me feel so special. So wanted. She hasn't used any term of endearment for me in over two months. It's such a little thing, but in the back of my mind, it always stings a little. Especially when I hear her call her husband that all the time.

I don't know what to do. They know something's up. They know I'm sad. They know I'm drinking to self-medicate. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it, but I told them I'm not ready yet. I just took a bath for over an hour, and when I got done, they were already in bed. He's leaving tomorrow, and I won't have another chance to talk to both of them. At some point, I'm going to have to talk to her about it. She knows something's up.
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  #73  
Old 11-04-2013, 05:27 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I just do not get it. You are torturing yourself behind a woman. Are you sure she knows you are miserable? Did she even ask or check on you? It seems like your metamour cares more about you than her. Especially since he was the one who asked if you wanted to talk. They should be something your girlfriend would be do. Call me crazy, but if I am going through some things, I would like for my husband to check on me and at least offer a shoulder to cry on, if needed.

In all of this threesome loving, baby calling, long-distance marriage having, baby making...at what point did it become "exclusive" or "official," or was it more unspoken? She said they were reciprocated, but did she say the words, prove it, show it, or did her actions ever match?

And another thing. Stop self-medicating. Ruining your liver is not going to help you. Getting up the courage to talk to her/them or being strong enough to end it will help you. At best, take a break from it and get some breathing room. Do you have any interests or friends outside of this couple? They went to bed, and you are what? Sitting all alone thinking about the way it used to be with her? It sounds like the makings of a sad country song. (Just saw the video for Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban.) You are miserable, unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted. What are you holding on to?

You have to love yourself enough to say and believe, "I deserve more," and "I am worth more than this." You do not sound like you love yourself because if you did there is no way you would be harming yourself, crying yourself to sleep at night, or running behind an unreciprocated love.
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  #74  
Old 11-04-2013, 11:38 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Are you sure she knows you are miserable? Did she even ask or check on you? It seems like your metamour cares more about you than her. Especially since he was the one who asked if you wanted to talk. They should be something your girlfriend would be do. Call me crazy, but if I am going through some things, I would like for my husband to check on me and at least offer a shoulder to cry on, if needed.

In all of this threesome loving, baby calling, long-distance marriage having, baby making...at what point did it become "exclusive" or "official," or was it more unspoken? She said they were reciprocated, but did she say the words, prove it, show it, or did her actions ever match?

And another thing. Stop self-medicating. Ruining your liver is not going to help you. Getting up the courage to talk to her/them or being strong enough to end it will help you. At best, take a break from it and get some breathing room. Do you have any interests or friends outside of this couple? They went to bed, and you are what? Sitting all alone thinking about the way it used to be with her? It sounds like the makings of a sad country song. (Just saw the video for Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban.) You are miserable, unhappy, feeling unloved, and unwanted. What are you holding on to?

You have to love yourself enough to say and believe, "I deserve more," and "I am worth more than this." You do not sound like you love yourself because if you did there is no way you would be harming yourself, crying yourself to sleep at night, or running behind an unreciprocated love.
To her credit, she did check on me. She came over and put her arm around me. When I was in the bath, she knocked on the door and asked if there was anything they could do. I had reservations about talking in that moment because I was so upset and emotional. Plus, her husband is here, and I'm still not sure if he should be present for the conversation.

In my opinion, this relationship became official when she confirmed to me that she considers me a partner. That was the moment when I let myself believe that I was just as important to her as she was to me. But you know what? Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend." Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? Those words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.

I know I need to stop drinking myself through this. Even though these issues have been in the back of my mind for a couple of months, it's really only gotten this bad within the past week. And honestly, this thread has opened my eyes to a lot. It's helped me to understand that at least some of my fears weren't completely unfounded. Before, I wasn't sure what I needed to do, so I was hanging on to anything that I could. Now, I think it's clear what I need to do.
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  #75  
Old 11-04-2013, 12:39 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Closest friend? Her not adding anything and just agreeing with that statement alone tells me that is all she considers you and the feelings she has for you are more on the friendship side of things. Ask her what she considers you now and refers to you as when talking to her husband about you.

All of this speculation is not going to solve anything. You need to talk to her and ask the hard questions. If you do not like her answers, break it off, go to your home/ask her to leave your home (if either applies), or get some space from her/both. You need to be able to think clearly, so sobriety is your friend. This pity party you are throwing is self-destructive. What do your friends have to say about this, or have you shut them out? You are too wrapped up in her, and that alone is unhealthy. You do not sound like you are living your life. It sounds like your world and life have stopped because she is not returning your love. What did your life look like before this woman walked in to it?

It is not like this is the only woman you will ever love for the rest of your life. I mean if you were 101 and in your final days, okay, sure. I missed your age if you posted it, but I would guess 20s or 30s? Even if she is the only woman, be grateful for the good, the bad, and the time you had with her. Somewhere in this experience there is a lesson to be learned.
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  #76  
Old 11-04-2013, 04:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Sigh. I was hoping that in time you would be able move past the emotional upheaval. This may be hard to hear, but I mean it kindly ok?

Merely having needs is not being needy.

Merely having feelings doesn't make you weak.

Choosing to speculate means you continue to spin a perceived reality that may or may not match your actuality.

Choosing not to communicate mean you have no data to go on to determine what IS actuality here.

It goes back to my first post, which I notice you did not answer.

Quote:
How are YOU helping to make it work and communicate well when you hold back information from your poly partners? Could do your part, change your behavior and see if you feel better after.
This below?

Quote:
In my opinion, this relationship became official when she confirmed to me that she considers me a partner. That was the moment when I let myself believe that I was just as important to her as she was to me. But you know what? Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend." Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.
That is missed opportunity to say your preference to the husband

"Yes. I am a close friend. I am ALSO a lover and a GF. Please refer to me as GF."
Rather than being assertive and clarifying how you see yourself in this polyship, you seem to be focusing on him using the "wrong word" and her not magically reading your mind that his word choice upset you. That keeps you in your upset.

You could do something to solve your upset rather than let it grow bigger by telling him how you prefer to be addressed. There. Prob solved.

Instead you say nothing. You seem to be focusing on your being "less than" -- wah! That must mean I am only a friend! type thoughts.

Rather than getting on with the show.

What if the husband is simply learning to be in polyship like you and not the greatest as expressing himself like you?

Could assume positive intent and not make mountains out of molehills. I am not devaluing what you feel here. I know you feel hurt and I'm sorry you do.

I am trying to lift up to you that you could be doing something different in your BEHAVIOR to alleviate your own hurt so you don't have to continue to hurt!

Yet you keep doing the same thing over and over -- holding back and leaving information about your emotional state out. This is being less than honest to your partners. This is not you looking out for you. So it isn't self respecting behavior and it isn't anything you can be proud of. So of course your self esteem takes
a ding. Could stop doing less than self respecting behavior. Do something esteemable instead.

Could focus on behavior done/not done.
  • What was their behavior? They come to check in and find out what is wrong with you.
  • What is your behavior? You do not check in.

They are reaching to communicate with you and reach understanding, and you continue to not communicate back to them. What's up with that? Are you in this relationship or not? If you don't want to be here, break up with them. If you do want to be here, play ball.

Could man up, set an appointment to really talk things out with her and then with him and then with her AND him. Or go for all at once. However you want to do it -- but DO it rather than keep avoiding it.

List what you need from each of them AND FROM YOURSELF so that you can feel safe and secure in this polyship.

Because if they do all their things, and you STILL go around in your head telling yourself that you are "less than" or that they don't really mean what they say and you cannot believe them... it is YOU who is creating your own upset.

It's your core belief that you are not deserving of good relationship that blocks you. They only one who can change that belief is you.

Which goes back to the beginning...

Quote:
In the beginning it was just for sex. It was great. We had fun. That was it. I wouldn't even allow myself to feel anything for her. I knew I needed to guard my heart, because an emotional connection would have been far off limits.
Why? You don't deserve good things in relationship? Can't let yourself believe it may go well?

Quote:
Three weeks into it, she tells me she has feelings for me... feelings that she never had for anyone except her husband. She would go on and on about how she never thought it was possible to love more than one person at a time. SHE was the one who opened the door to this.
Correction. You also helped open the door to emotions being stirred by participating in sex share. She was merely the first to EXPRESS her growing feelings.

Quote:
When I was finally allowed to let my guard down, I knew that I certainly felt something for her as well.
Correction. You ALREADY felt something for her. If you felt nothing, there's no need to guard.

She expressed first, so you knew letting your guard down would be "ok" now because the likelihood of rejection was low. So then you allowed the walls to come down. You then allowed yourself to express.

Quote:
Throughout the entire process, I was completely honest about my feelings for her... even checking with her to make sure these feelings were okay. She always assured me that yes, they were okay and also reciprocated.
You may be honest with her but you don't seem honest with yourself about how you PROCESS WHAT YOU FEEL.

Back then you felt YUMMY love feelings growing for her, and you had to "guard" against feeling that and doing anything about that until she revealed first. She risked it first so now you knew revealing your own would be received well. Plus the yummy feelings are easier to deal with.

Now you feel yucky feelings of various kinds. You continue to try to "guard" against having to feel them or do anything about them. She is telling you she is willing to hear and willing to be supportive and you do not take her up on it. Because she's not pitching first this time is she? YOU have to pitch first and on top of that -- it's YUCKY feelings.

I could be wrong. But this seems to about you and how you handle your emotional management -- appropriately or inappropriately.

I think this would be a lot easier going for you if you stopped creating side distractions like
  • drinking to bury your feelings.
  • Posting circular posts here.
  • Ignoring them when they try to find out what's wrong with you.

and get on with learning to OWN what you feel and then get on with EXPRESSING what you feel to the right people at the right time.

If you keep being a clam, you risk they will stop asking because you do not answer.

If you keep being a clam that never risks this conversation having, you will not get better/more comfortable having it.

You could PARTICIPATE in your own relationshipping.
  • If it works out, great. Your suffering has ended. You can move on together.
  • If you end up finding that you are not compatible after all and break up? Ok, a bit more suffering for "get over break up" time, but then your suffering does still end and you can move on.
  • You continuing on this way keeps it in the stuck with endless suffering.

Could not choose endless suffering for yourself!

Could play ball.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-04-2013 at 07:10 PM.
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  #77  
Old 11-04-2013, 07:03 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Merely having needs is not being needy.

Merely having feelings doesn't make you weak.

Choosing to speculate means you continue to spin a perceived reality that may or may not match your actuality.

Choosing not to communicate mean you have no data to go on to determine what IS actuality here.

You could do something to solve your upset rather than let it grow bigger by telling him how you prefer to be addressed. There. Prob solved.

I am trying to lift up to you that you could be doing something different in your BEHAVIOR to alleviate your own hurt so you don't have to continue to hurt!

Yet you keep doing the same thing over and over -- holding back and leaving information about your emotional state out. This is being less than honest to your partners. This is not you looking out for you. So it isn't self respecting behavior and it isn't anything you can be proud of.

Galagirl
Hi. I've quoted some of the highlights of your post. I truly do appreciate your input, and value your opinion. I am sorry I did not respond to your previous post, as I did glean some good things from it, for sure.

I appreciate you saying that having needs doesn't make me needy. I do need to remember that from time to time.

One thing that I feel you're not hearing from me is that fact that I have communicated every single fear and insecurity to them up until this point. I've only processed this last notion (of thinking that I must love her more than she loves me) within the past three days. And the only reason I did not communicate this to them last night was because I felt it was a conversation that was best suited between her and me alone. I don't mind if he knows about it, but I would rather talk to her first. And since he was here all weekend long, I did not get a chance to do so. I don't disagree that communication on this point is an absolute necessity, and I plan on discussing it with her tonight. I feel sort of attacked and accused of not being open and honest, when I feel like that's all I've been doing. They know I'm not afraid to come to them with things. I just need to find the right way to do this... that's the main reason I've been on this thread all weekend: to gain some insight from people who know what they're doing.

You're absolutely right about my destructive behavior. There are certainly more responsible ways I could be dealing with these emotions. I'm hoping to have some answers soon.

Thanks again for your advice. I truly do appreciate it.
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  #78  
Old 11-04-2013, 07:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Thank you for clarifying.

Quote:
One thing that I feel you're not hearing from me is that fact that I have communicated every single fear and insecurity to them up until this point.
Let me try to clarify what I mean in turn.

I see that you try sometimes. But the HOW AND WHEN you do that does not seem to serve you well. You could improve your being more assertive.

Sometimes you leave things out... or seem to want someone else to guess your need.

Quote:
The glances, the smiles, the notes written just because, the hand holding, the sweet nothings. All fading away, and it breaks my heart.
If you observe these behaviors you enjoy from your GF haven't been happening often enough for you? And you feel the need for more touching, hand holding, etc?

Could you ASK GF if she's willing to do more of that? Rather than not ask? Could not leave information out about your emotional state.

Other times, you don't take it at face value.

Quote:
Last night, when they were talking to me before my bath, he said, "We worry about you. You're one of my best friends, and you're (insert wife's name here)'s closest friend."
What's so horrible about what he said? You don't want to be his friend? You don't want to be her close friend? You don't want them to worry and care for you?

You seem to get caught up your own emotion that he did not recognize you in that moment as "GF" and that has a simple fix.

"Yes, I am your friend and hers. But I would like to be recognized as GF. Please refer to me that way." Assert yourself a bit more.

Quote:
Closest friend. What the hell does that mean? Those words burned right through me, and I think she knew it.
Here you don't state how you prefer to be called. Then you guess that she knows you are upset rather than stating you are upset.

You missed an opportunity there to speak up assertively to clarify, AND to move it forward. Something like...

"Thank you for worrying about me. Yes, I am your best friend and metamour. Yes, I am her friend AND girlfriend. Please call me her GF, not her friend.

I am not willing or able to check with you (metamour DH friend) at this time. I want to talk to my GF alone first. I don't mind if you know about it. We could even talk all 3 later. But I would rather talk to her first, you second, all together last. Is that ok with you? I'm still gathering my thoughts. Could I check in by Friday if not sooner and let you guys know what dates are good for me to have a good talk? Then I'm not leaving you hanging. Thank you again for your concern over my well being."
OWN it more. YKWIM? And help move it in the direction you would like it to go toward.

Quote:
And the only reason I did not communicate this to them last night was because I felt it was a conversation that was best suited between her and me alone. I don't mind if he knows about it, but I would rather talk to her first. And since he was here all weekend long, I did not get a chance to do so.
I diagree that there was no chance to do so. There was an opportunity right then to share something and start the ball rolling. You didn't have to do (the whole shebang) there, but you could let them know you want to talk at some point and how you want to have it. Disclose how you would like to have that series of talks and start negotiating for times to have them in. CREATE the time.

You simply chose not to take it as opportunity to get the ball rolling.

This is what I mean about you being more assertive and looking out for your best interests more. You are not a leaf in the wind that has to wait for magical moment to arise. You can choose to CREATE them. Be the captain of your own ship more.

Quote:
I must love her more than she loves me
What does she do in her behavior that is less that loving toward you? Could you list it?

Could it be she's landed from NRE lala's and you haven't? And what you perceive of as "loss" is actually merely "change?"

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-04-2013 at 10:46 PM.
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  #79  
Old 11-05-2013, 01:32 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Default My last and final update

Hello, everyone. I am devastated as I write this last post. I just broke it off with my gf. I talked with her about all of my concerns that we've all been discussing here on this thread. After an hour of talking, she finally admitted that her feelings for me have waned. Her exact words were, "I didn't really even realize it until we started talking about it".

I am beyond devastated. But in the end, I know I cannot be with someone who doesn't feel the same way.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to walk me through this very difficult time. I am indebted to you all.
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Old 11-05-2013, 02:05 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I am very sorry. Hugs.
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