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Old 10-16-2013, 01:30 AM
msbiman msbiman is offline
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Default Frustrated don't know what to do

I came out Bi-, when I was 17. Over the next few years I was in two poly relationships, it just seemed natural to me. In both I had both a bi-husband and a wife. There are things I need emotionally from each sex. It was great, all of my needs were being met, everyone was happy, things couldn't get any better. Then one day I found myself single, my husband was transferred out of state with his job, and our wife wanted to go with him.

A year later I meet this woman, and totally fall in love, the problem is that she is totally monogamous, I discussed, my previous life with her, I held nothing back. She said, "OK, so what...". I knew she was not interested in a poly relationship. I decided that I would just learn to live monogamous. Somehow, I was able to overlook my needs for a man. So we got married, and have been for the last 17 years.

Eleven years ago I became disabled due to some undiagnosed congenital health issues. It took some getting used to, for the first three years, I was confined to a wheelchair. I had to get used to being totally helpless. During this time, my need of having a man in my life, returned. Then I got some better, for the most part I am now able to take care of myself. I can go to the grocery store by myself, as long as I'm only after one or two things.

About five years ago, I became totally impotent due to my health problems. It happened over a few months, I felt that my manhood had been ripped away from me, I felt like half a man. But, as horrible as I felt about myself, what hurt the worst was that it was not fair to my wife, why should she have to do without just because I was useless. Because, my main concern was my wife, I did not have time to feel sorry for myself, I was determined to do whatever I had to do to meet her needs. We visited an adult bookstore, and bought some toys, and did all the things that can be done without me working. Things went fine for a couple of years, but in the last year I've gotten so I can't even do most of those things. Now I am really starting to feel sorry for myself.

In the last five to six months, my need to have a man in my life has really exploded. I'm at almost at a point where I can't live without a man. I sat down and typed up a letter to my wife, between my conditions, and my meds, my memory and concentration are not real good. So I figured I could type it up, and take a week to reread it, and tweak it so that I had it perfect. It explained to her my feelings, and my anguish, it explained that what hurt me the most was her needs not being met. I reminded her of when I lived the poly life, and suggested she think about the possibility of us adding another bi-man, to our relationships and form a triad. That way her needs would be met, I could have my emotional needs met since I really don't care about having sex with anybody of either sex, I just really need my emotional needs met. I explained all the combinations of people that was possible. She was not at all interested, she just could not handle the thought of three people together, she could not handle all the emotional issues of having a triad.

Now I'm left sitting here, trying to decide what my next move is. I don't know which way to go, or what to do. I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind, my heart is breaking, my soul is being torn apart. I go to bed at night, wait until my wife goes to sleep, then cry my self to sleep. There is a difference between a need and a want. A need is air, water, a want it electricity a candy bar. I have a need for the touch of man, to be held in the arms of a man, a need like food is a need. I wish I could talk her into just trying a triad. I know at least some people reading this right now are saying, just go find yourself a man. I can't do that, I love my wife too much to cheat on her. I love her so much that it is impossible for me to cheat. I have told her that since she is not interested in a triad, that if she wanted to get some on the side that would be ok with me. But, I can't cheat on her, I had a chance one time, I was at a friends house one day, and he came on very strongly, even taking off his shirt exposing his sculpted chest, and chiseled rock hard abs. It was hard to walk out, but I did, I could not stay, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't do it.

Thanks for listening, I do appreciate it. I just don't know what I'm going to do.
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  #2  
Old 10-16-2013, 04:00 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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What do other people do when they can't have what they want?

And I'm sorry, but yes, it IS a want. If it were a need, like food or water, you would be dead by now, due to the lack.

I don't mean to be harsh, but when you claim it's an emotional need, and then talk about his sculpted chest, and rock hard chiseled abs, I question how much it's really an emotional want.

You have also tried to pass this off as wanting it 'for your wife,' but she doesn't want it. Don't try to push it on her.

Most people at some point in life will face crisis upon crisis. The last 8 years of my life has been one crisis heaped on another, and the person I felt I couldn't live without, I simply could not have. So I have some idea how you feel, and do not speak lightly. I'm telling you what works when life hits hard.

The answer is to become stronger, to focus on what you can do, to deepen your faith, turn to God, start focusing on other people and putting some good in the world each day instead of on your own problems, keep a gratitude list. Consider seeing a counselor. Get out for whatever physical exercise you can get. Eat well. Change your thinking.

Again, I do not say these things lightly. I've been there. In some ways, circumstance-wise, I still am. But the fact is, to a large extent, we all choose our own happiness, and I have chosen to find joy in the many good things in my life, rather than constantly focus on the problems. The problems are very real. But so are the good things. It's all about where we choose to keep our attention, and what we tell ourselves about it.

I applaud you for refusing to cheat on your wife.
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Old 10-16-2013, 05:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Not all needs are life and death. People have needs for basic survival - food, water, shelter. But they also have emotional needs, things they require in order to be happy, healthy, and whole.

Humans are social creatures. We have social needs - yes, needs, not wants - and if these are not met, then it affects our health and our happiness.

msbiman, you say your wife is not at all interested in a triad. That's her choice -- it's not for everybody, and you have to respect her monogamy. But does that mean the discussion is over? I don't think so.

Whether her needs are being met or not, you're doing all you physically can to meet them. Don't beat yourself up over it. Let her know that if she wishes to have an extramarital partner, you support that; and that if she doesn't, you support that as well. But also tell her that this is your need and even if she doesn't want a triad, you still feel you need the company of a man in your life. Give her some time with the idea, don't push it too fast. But if it truly is a need, then you'll have to figure out some way to satisfy it.

Of course, you have two needs and it may not be possible to meet them both. You have your wife and it sounds like she fills an important role in your life. Then there's your need for male company. It could be that it's impossible for you to have both of these needs met at the same time, and then you will have to choose which is the bigger need.

When someone is stranded in the jungle, they need food shelter and water... it's not usually possible to get all three at the same time, you have to prioritize. If it's pouring rain, then shelter is probably your biggest concern. If it's fairly nice out, then you'll probably want to get water before you go looking for grubs. You catch my drift?
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  #4  
Old 10-16-2013, 12:52 PM
msbiman msbiman is offline
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@ SchrodingersCat, Thank you so so much for your reply. Finally somebody that understands what I am going through Your analogies are spot on. My wife is the most important person that I've had in my life. Of course I don't want to do anything to hurt her, or God forbid lose her. But it is getting to the point that I may have to do something. It is so nice to talk to someone that understands. I've tried talking to some other bisexuals, and they had not clue.

The problem I am going to run into is one I've had before if I find a man that is willing to just cuddle with me, they are going to want something in return, usually sex, and even though I loved having sex with a man, (I am always bottom when with a man, I need him to be a complete man, it goes back to the emotional needs I have for a man). anyway, I loved sex with men but right now I don't want that. I need to feel like he's doing it because he loves me, not because he's after sex.

I guess I could place an ad on a bi dating site, or craigslist, or something and just see what i can find. I'm hoping that talking about it to someone that understands will clear my mind so I can think clearly, instead of making a decision based on an emotional overload.

Thanks again SchrodingersCat I really appreciate it.
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Old 10-16-2013, 12:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msbiman View Post
I just don't know what I'm going to do.
You are poly.
You married a monogamous person and agreed to be monogamous
You've discovered that you are more resistant to being monogamous than you initially anticipated
You want another lover but... here's where it gets murky

I suggest separating out what you want and what you want for your wife. I'm sure both things are important to you but they are two totally different issues and should be looked at individually.

YOU want a boyfriend. Have you told your wife this? Has she forbidden you from taking on another lover? Remember, this is about what YOU want.

You want your WIFE to have a boyfriend. She doesn't want one. Fixating on the idea of sharing a lover seems to be muddying the water for you so splash some water on your face and realize that the answer is "no". She has told you she doesn't want to be in a triad... drop it.
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Old 10-16-2013, 01:44 PM
msbiman msbiman is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You are poly.
You married a monogamous person and agreed to be monogamous
You've discovered that you are more resistant to being monogamous than you initially anticipated
You want another lover but... here's where it gets murky
That pretty sums it up, but i would still be ok with being monogamous, if it wasn't for my health getting bad, and bringing up all those old feelings of being so helpless useless and wothless etc... You could say I want a lover that would not be a wrong description, but I'm not interested in sex.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus
I suggest separating out what you want and what you want for your wife. I'm sure both things are important to you but they are two totally different issues and should be looked at individually.
Interesting concept, one I had not thought of and it makes a lot of sense, I will definitely sit down and do just that.

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Originally Posted by Marcus
YOU want a boyfriend. Have you told your wife this? Has she forbidden you from taking on another lover? Remember, this is about what YOU want.
No she hasn't actually said no, but I haven't actually sat down and talked to her about that actually happening. I have explained that I need a man's emotional support, but not the possibility of it happening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus
You want your WIFE to have a boyfriend. She doesn't want one.
I must not have expressed myself clearly. I told her that IF SHE WANTED ONE that was ok with me. I did not care if she did, but IT IS HER DECISION.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus
Fixating on the idea of sharing a lover seems to be muddying the water for you so splash some water on your face and realize that the answer is "no". She has told you she doesn't want to be in a triad... drop it.
Ok again, you are the second person that has read things this way, so it is more than likely that I did not express myself clearly.

I presented her with the idea, and told her that IT WAS HER DECISION IF WE DID IT OR NOT. I asked her to think about it for a week before she said no. then IF SHE WANTED TO DO IT, WE WOULD. IF NOT I WOULD NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. What did I say that makes you think I am constantly bringing it up?

Is it because I came to a poly site to ask this question? If that is it, I tried to talking to some bisexuals gay, and straight people, but they had no clue about not being totally monogamous. So I came to a place where I thought people would have enough of an open mind that they could understand my situation. And help me to sort out my situation so I could make the best decision for me and my wife. I have had one person respond that completely understood what I am going through, then two other people responded completely twisting what I though I had wrote. Maybe I need to go back and revise my post to make myself more clear. But, I don't know if I was not clear or if like everybody else I've tried talking to, straight people gay people, bisexual people, all of those people not only did not understand but got hostile toward me because I discussed a situation that was not totally monogamous. I thought that poly people would be open minded, after all is that not what poly people ask everyone else to do, have an open mind?
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Old 10-16-2013, 01:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are struggling. You seemed overwhelmed all in a whoosh. Is that how you are feeling?

Maybe you could take the need inventory -- circle the things that resonate. Then figure out what behavior you could to to achieve that need being met -- by you, wife, another, etc.

You may feel the need for male companionship... I'm not going to argue that. But I don't think it is the ONLY need. You seem to have many layers going on at the same time which seems to add to the load.

Could take it one thing at a time. How you organize these in order of priority is up to you. This is just me identifying some of what resonates to me as a stranger on the outside. I could be wrong.

What could you ID as layers? What resonates to you?

Could ask your wife simply about her unwillingness to participate in a polyship.

1) Is this a hard limit -- no, it will never change?
2) Or a soft limit -- that could change in time?

Depending on her answer... however hard it feels? It's basically this for your next steps --

1) Learn about polyshiping together -- slowly. Not rush into it. Give it time to see if her willingness changes from a better informed/prepared space.

2)Let go of the want to be in a polyship with her and a man. One of the players in this dream (your wife) is not willing and able. So let go of the dream of wanting to be in polyship with HER.

3) Then decide... do I want to be in polyship or not?

a) YES! I still want to be in polyship with a man. Since I will not cheat on my wife it means breaking up with her first, cleanly, ethically.

b) NO. I don't want to divorce my wife. I value that higher than I value being with a man. So I give up the want to polyship.
What need does being with a man fulfill for you?

You talk about being impotent and no longer being able to share sex with your wife in the way that you want -- with an erect penis. Is your need the need to accept yourself as you are? You seem to feel like a failed lover with your wife and your "failed penis." You seem to crave a man to be a bottom to -- is this so that you can feel like "fully functional lover?" Is that part of it?

If so, could the underlying need be to making peace with your health conditions and not letting your illness define your value or worth as a person?

This idea of you being a "complete man" comes up a few times.

Are you not complete already in yourself? You need others to validate you? Is the need to learn to self-validate?

These thinking behaviors -- perhaps your need is to be at peace of mind. So the behavior you could do next is work to overcome this thinking behavior since these thoughts bring you down?
You talk about emotional needs that are not met by your wife

What are they? How does she not meet them?

Maybe what you are after from your wife is that you need her acceptance that you are bi, and you need the ability to talk about it freely rather than bury that side of you?

Maybe what you need from your wife is protection? Support? Nurture? Empathy and sympathy as a serious patient person? Is she able to provide the support you need as a chronic patient? Or does she add to your patient burden? (Whether on purpose or not?)

Something else?

If so, the you have a need for understanding of various kinds from your wife. That's different conversations to share with her and not only "be in a polyship with me" type conversation.


Could keep working to better define your need layers with need type words.
Again -- could take the need inventory "I want a relationship with a man" -- that's one method to achieve a need. The need is for connection. What you want to do to get it -- is to have a relationship with a man. Whether that is the only way or not -- who knows? But the need is for connection.
As a chronic patient -- maybe you also need some counseling for coping? Or a patient support group?
With your mental health and emotional even as your physical health is on the decline? Maybe your spiritual health has also taken a ding?

It's hard to live knowing there is never going to be a cure. There is a grieving time for that. Have you completed that?

When you are a chronic patient, and there is no cure? There is only management. That's chronic patient land. Most people experience only acute illness -- get a cold or a flu or something, it stinks for a while, heal and get better and it is over, move on.

Chronic patients don't get that -- it is never "over." It is your way of life, it never goes away. Every doc appt, every medication time, every change in the household routine to accommodate is a reminder that there is no cure, there is no "over." And sometimes you get tired of feeling like a patient and you want to feel like a PERSON.

Is that some of the need? To feel like a PERSON and not like an illness?

You mention being active in groups -- do they meet your need for patient support? Or do you need more/different? What do you do to tend to your spiritual health?
What happened 5-6 mos ago in your health picture?
That is triggering this new "YAAAAH!?" Maybe that could give you clues?

I note that you write about being wheelchair bound, being impotent -- both events sparked an increase in the "YAHHH!" for a guy or for penis-related sex with your wife. So could examine what happened more recently as a trigger to this latest "Yaaah!" Maybe solving that could help alleviate your yucky feelings.
Quote:
i would still be ok with being monogamous, if it wasn't for my health getting bad, and bringing up all those old feelings of being so helpless useless and wothless etc...
Here it sounds like the problem is NOT the shape of your marriage (a monoship) but your old feelings and thoughts of you being "useless and worthless."

This seems to be the underlying theme -- so could spend time sorting this area out FIRST.

Could focus on resolving those feelings/thoughts. Because if you do not, even with a new relationship shape, a new BF and your wife?

Or carrying on with your established marriage and monoship with wife?

Either way in either relationship model -- it's still going to be there under the surface disturbing your peace of mind.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-16-2013 at 04:01 PM.
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Old 10-16-2013, 02:46 PM
msbiman msbiman is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
What do other people do when they can't have what they want?

And I'm sorry, but yes, it IS a want. If it were a need, like food or water, you would be dead by now, due to the lack.
There is more than one kind of need, there are physical needs you can not do without, like food water. there are emotional needs, emotional needs will not kill you if you don't get it. But they will cause you to have some very serious mental health problems, such as severe anxiety, paranoia, depression, psychosis, and several other serious issues. Serious issues that can require extended stays in a psych ward, being comatose, or worst case suicide. so next time think about all the possible issues before telling someone they don't know what they are talking about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
I don't mean to be harsh, but when you claim it's an emotional need, and then talk about his sculpted chest, and rock hard chiseled abs, I question how much it's really an emotional want.
When you start a sentence with "I don't mean to be Harsh", you know good and well that you are going to be harsh. Now, I mentioned what he looked like as in "even though he looked that good, I walked out anyway because I want an emotional connection, not a physical one". Since you misunderstood I can understand how you confused the rest of that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
You have also tried to pass this off as wanting it 'for your wife,' but she doesn't want it.
I don't understand why you said this, you don't know me, why do you assume that I can't love my wife enough that I want to do whatever I have to do to make sure her needs are met. You are right she said she did not want it, which brings me to my next point

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
Don't try to push it on her.
What makes you think I am pushing it on her? I NEVER said anything close to something that would make you think I am putting it on her. I said I came up with the idea, I presented it to her and told her it was her decision, if she wanted to we would, if she didn't want it, I would never bring it up again, and she said no, so I dropped it. What part of that is putting it on her? Maybe you think that because that is what you would do, but I'm not like that. I take responsibility for everything I do or think, or say.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
Most people at some point in life will face crisis upon crisis. The last 8 years of my life has been one crisis heaped on another, and the person I felt I couldn't live without, I simply could not have. So I have some idea how you feel, and do not speak lightly. I'm telling you what works when life hits hard.
It is true that everyone will face a crisis in their life. I hate that you have had a rough time the last 8 years, sincerely I hate you had to go through that. Especially since you could not have that person. I am sure you do have some idea, I said some idea. Don't even talk to me about how to get through when life gets hard. Have you ever been to the point you wanted to die. You know you can't do it yourself because you are just not that kind of person, but you still want to die?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
The answer is to become stronger, to focus on what you can do, to deepen your faith, turn to God, start focusing on other people and putting some good in the world each day instead of on your own problems, keep a gratitude list. Consider seeing a counselor. Get out for whatever physical exercise you can get. Eat well. Change your thinking.
You don't even know what it means to be strong. If you ever experienced one-third of what I have lived through you would die from stress. Trust me I keep my mind on other people, and off myself as much as possible, I am actually active on 15 support forums, and do my best to help as many people as possible, if I didn't my heart, lungs, liver. brain and the rest of my body would just stop functioning. If I told you what I've lived through you would call me a liar because nobody can live through that much, when it comes to surviving I am an expert. First I can't afford a counselor, second I came here hoping to find someone that understood my situation, or would at least try to understand it, instead I get someone that only criticizes everything I said instead of trying to help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
Again, I do not say these things lightly. I've been there. In some ways, circumstance-wise, I still am. But the fact is, to a large extent, we all choose our own happiness, and I have chosen to find joy in the many good things in my life, rather than constantly focus on the problems. The problems are very real. But so are the good things. It's all about where we choose to keep our attention, and what we tell ourselves about it.
For the most part I agree with everything you said. But there are times that it takes more than positive thinking to maintain a healthy mind. Which is where my (emotional) need for a man comes in. There was a time in my life that the fantasy of having a man to take care of, and protect me is the only thing that kept me going, it is the only thing that kept me from succumbing to what other people wanted for me. There was another time that if I had not had a man in my bed every night (no sex at all for over two years, just him holding me) I would not have lived through the hell I was suffering through. There are times that if we don't keep our attention on what is trying to kill us, it will sneak up right next to you and very quickly slit your throat, and you will never see it coming.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
I applaud you for refusing to cheat on your wife.
Thank you for saying this, I do appreciate it.
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Old 10-16-2013, 03:46 PM
london london is offline
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Can you accept that neither your wife or you can be happy (at the same time) in a romantic relationship because your needs are incompatible?
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Old 10-16-2013, 04:15 PM
msbiman msbiman is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You are at a crossroads. I am sorry you are struggling.

Maybe you could take the need inventory -- circle the things that resonate. Then figure out what behavior you could to to achieve that need being met -- by you, wife, another, etc.
Thank you so much for your response, trying to help me understand what is going on, and to help me work out the situation.
First of all, I tried to take the needs assessment, registered everything but could not figure out how to do the assessment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
You may feel the need for male companionship... I'm not going to argue that. But I don't think it is the ONLY need. You seem to have layers.

Could take it one thing at a time.
you are right about the layers, I'm not sure I could separate them enough to take care of each separately, but it's worth a shot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Ask your wife simply about her unwillingness to participate in a polyship.

1) Is this a hard limit -- no, it will never change?
2) Or a soft limit -- that could change in time?

Depending on her answer... however hard it feels?
The problem is that when I presented the idea to her, I promised her that if she said no I would never bring it up again. If she ever changed her mind, she could bring it up, but I never will. I always keep my promises.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
It's basically

1) Let go of the want to be in a polyship with her and a man. One of the players in this dream (your wife) is not willing and able. So let go of the dream of wanting to be in polyship with HER.

2) Then decide... do I want to be in polyship or not?

a) YES! I still want to be in polyship with a man. Since I will not cheat on my wife it means breaking up with her first, cleanly, ethically.

b) NO. I don't want to divorce my wife. I value that higher than I value being with a man. So I give up the want to polyship.
I just have to give up the whole idea, I made that decision when I married her. I knew what I was giving up, And had it not been for my health, I would not be considering it now. Which I stopped considering it, she said no, I'll never think about it again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GaleGirl
What need does being with a man fulfill for you?
Being safe, being protected, being cared for, being loved, being secure, being taken care of, feeling his warm body against mine, his arms around me, making me calm, contented, feeling safe

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
You talk about being impotent and no longer being able to share sex with your wife in the way that you want -- with an erect penis. Is your need the need to accept yourself as you are?

You feel like a failed lover with your wife and your "failed penis" -- but you crave a man to be a bottom to -- so that you can feel like "fully functional lover?"

Is that part of it? Making peace with your health conditions and not letting your illness define your value or worth as a person?
Everything you said makes sense, and is quite possibly be what is going on. But, when this first happened, she was my main concern, I did not want her to not have her needs to be met, so for a few years we did other things in place of intercourse. We bought some toys, including a strap on, which worked fine for a while, until I got to where I could not even do those things.
Now the thing is when I first started craving a man, I was 5y/o, and dreamed of having a big strong man come and protect me from what I was going through I was always the bottom because I wanted to be with a man, and if he was a real man he had to be top. It is not the "Fully functional lover"

Yes, I still need to make peace with my illness, which is hard to do considering that I know that unless I die first, I will be paralyzed from the waist down eventually.

[quoteGalaGirl]This idea of you being a "complete man" seems odd to me. Are you not complete already in yourself? You need others to validate you? Is the need to learn to self-validate?

These thinking behaviors -- perhaps your need is to be at peace of mind. So the behavior you could do next is work to overcome this thinking behavior since these thoughts bring you down?[/quote]

You make some great points here, and it's something I am going to work on it.

quote=GalaGirl]You talk about emotional needs that are not met by your wife -- what are they? How does she not meet them? Maybe what you are after from your wife is that you need her acceptance that you are bi, and you need the ability to talk about it freely rather than bury that side of you? If so, the you have a need for understanding from your wife. That's a different conversation to share with her than "be in a polyship with me." [/quote]

The first question is really hard to answer. It is extremely hard to explain, it's just that there is a difference in cuddling with a man, or cuddling with a woman. My needs for a man come from most of the stuff I went through when I was young. For a long time I wished for a man to come protect me, and save me. I still have those same fears, and memories of what happened. Does that explain what she doesn't meet, or how she doesn't meet them.

You are right about the need to talk about it outloud, there are times I can talk about it and joke about it, it's when I try to have a serious conversation with her, that things get awkward.

The part "being incomplete", was only because of the impotency.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Could keep working to better define your needs with need words.

"I want a relationship with a man" -- that's one method to achieve a need. The need is connection.

Again -- could take the need inventory
Very Good points

[quoteGalaGirl]And speaking as a chronic patient -- maybe you also need some counseling for coping with your mental health even as your physical health is on the decline? It's hard to live knowing there is never going to be a cure. There is only management. That's chronic patient land. Sometimes you get tired of feeling like a patient and you want to feel like a PERSON.

I note that you write about being wheelchair bound, being impotent -- both sparked an increase in the "YAHHH!" for a guy or for penis-related sex with your wife.

What happened 5-6 mos ago in your health picture? That is triggering this new "YAAAAH!?" Maybe that could give you clues?

Galagirl[/QUOTE]

I took counseling for a couple of years, and reached a point where I wasn't improving.

You asked about 5-6 mos ago, It actually started about 2-3 years ago when the impotency came on. I have been blocking the thoughts for all this time, and things just built up to the point that I could not block them anymore, so I had to start thinking about it, trying to find a way to work something out so I did not have to do this. But, nothing I tried worked, with each failure, I needed this more. I know I do not have the option of a poly relationship, but I've tried talking to a couple of straight friends, utter disaster. Tried talking to some Bi and gay friends just disaster. So I said talk to some poly people they will be familiar with my situation, and would be open minded enough to help me work things out.
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