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  #21  
Old 10-18-2013, 01:28 AM
ClarkMorgan ClarkMorgan is offline
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Default I'm just not a passionate person

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Can you pin down the exact reason why you and your wife got married in the beginning? I mean, if you had any passion then, it doesn't sound like said passion was what drove your decision.
What was the nature and description of the connection that the two of you shared in the first place?
We were in love at the time and still are. I guess we just never had a passionate connection.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Might I ask your question to you in reverse before offering a reply?
What ARE you passionate about?
So-what is it that you are passionate about in life? What energizes you and gets you "rockin and rollin"?
From dictionary.com: passion
1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.

Thatís my problem, Iím not a passionate person. The first definition fits how I feel about my wife. I love her dearly and canít imagine life without her, but I donít think I can describe it as a Ďstrong amorous feelingí. Iíve always found her sexually desirable, but I wouldnít call it lust.

I am not an outgoing person. I donít think Iím passionate about anything, except perhaps traveling. I love to go new places and experience new things and we take one or two vacations a year. I have had hobbies over the years, but I wasnít passionate about them. I just donít think itís in my personality.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
(and I really suggest checking out those videos-because part of passion is inducing the chemical rush in the body and that is DEFINITELY possible to learn)
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Yes. They are helpful in a number of ways-they aren't "how to fuck" videos. They do give detailed visual explanations of how to relax muscles, relax, create passionate sensations for another person etc. They also promote connection (emotional as well as physical) and suggestions regarding attitude and what to look for in body language etc. Really-if one is struggling with the communication and intimacy aspect-great videos.
I just ordered three of the DVDs. You description sounds like exactly what we need.

I know I need to become more passionate, I just don't know how right now. We have a counseling appointment Saturday and will discuss this issue. Thanks for all you help. Keep the suggestions coming.

Clark
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  #22  
Old 10-18-2013, 08:54 PM
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kdt26417 said:
What was the nature and description of the connection that the two of you shared in the first place?

ClarkMorgan replied:
Quote:
"We were in love at the time and still are. I guess we just never had a passionate connection."
kdt26417 says:
That statement really gives me pause and piques my curiosity. I think that you are pointing out that love and passion are two different things, and that it was love, not passion, that brought you and your wife together in the first place.

Love, on the other hand, is a word with so many potential definitions. What definition is appropriate in this context? What was the nature of this love that you and your wife had for each other? I mean was it at all sexual, was it more brother-and-sister like; how would you describe it?

Re:
Quote:
"Iíve always found her sexually desirable, but I wouldnít call it lust."
Oh that's okay, I've never been fond of the word "lust" myself. In my mind, it speaks to a selfish desire to satiate one's own instinctive drives; it doesn't speak toward the respect and tenderness that I value in a romantic relationship.

Re:
Quote:
"I know I need to become more passionate, I just don't know how right now. We have a counseling appointment Saturday and will discuss this issue. Thanks for all your help. Keep the suggestions coming."
Hummm. I guess I have a personal perception that one can be passionate towards one's loved one, but tender at the same time. I know some people "like it rough." I've never liked it rough. I've always liked it as if approaching the other person were approaching the most precious and delicate thing in the world. Just speaking of my own experiences, but maybe it helps put the word "passion" in a different light?

Everyone knows that love has a lot of definitions. Maybe passion does too? One of the great things we learn in polyamory is that each individual person loves (and shows it) in a different way. Which is nice, because we then don't have to feel like we have to compete with each other. We can just be ourselves.

Let us know how things go with the counseling (and don't forget, if one counselor makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, it is perfectly sensible to seek out another counselor until you find the one who's the right match for you).

Best wishes as always,
Kevin T.
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  #23  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:17 PM
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Passion can also be described as an intense emotion compelling, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.

So-for me for example, I am passionately protective of my loved ones. If they are threatened, I will go to extremes to protect them.

(I do understand what you are saying about not being "passionate" about things in general. I'm not arguing with you-trying to help you find something inside that might be closer to that, so you could work with it, towards your goal)

Love is a word that I hate to use in something like this-because it's too vague.

In counseling one of the things we learned was that we needed to choose concrete examples and concrete actions-to work with. Not anything abstract, because it's too easy to view the abstract differently. Love is very abstract.

So-if you had to NOT use that word to describe how you feel about your wife. If you had to label it with concrete examples; what would you say?

And-what are some concrete actions that are examples of activities/behaviors that you enjoy. Just enjoy. Maybe-your top 10 (traveling to new places is one).

Travel is one of my passions as well. Sometimes I like to try to recreate the experience of traveling to a new place (when I can't) by traveling to a new experience (that I can). So for example; taking ball room dancing classes. We did that and it was new and different and really forced us out of our "normal roles" with each other. It was also an amazing force in teaching us to "feel" each other instead of trying to second guess each other.
Interesting note I wasn't considering-that was an activity that really promoted more emotional intimacy as well. It requires a great deal of trust to accomplish well. But-it's not "dangerous". It is however a totally different way to relate.... Might be an idea for something new and different.
Maca thought it would be boring as hell. But he ended up having a blast and so did I. We also really learned a lot about each other-without a single conversation. Just following the instructions...
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  #24  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hummm. I guess I have a personal perception that one can be passionate towards one's loved one, but tender at the same time. I know some people "like it rough." I've never liked it rough. I've always liked it as if approaching the other person were approaching the most precious and delicate thing in the world. Just speaking of my own experiences, but maybe it helps put the word "passion" in a different light?
I "go both ways" on that note.
But-I had to comment.
GG is the same way. He couldn't be rough and tumble if you paid him to be. Whereas Maca very much is.

BUT-what makes both wonderful lovers, is that thye are passionately tender. The word delicate popped into my mind, before I got to it in YOUR sentence.
A delicate flower. That's how GG reacts to the female body. He treats it like a delicate flower that he is trying to extract a fragrance from, without destroying.
It's passionate, it's intense, but it's soft, gentle, caring...

Passion is a strong emotion, a deep longing even, but it isn't necessarily a "strong hand" or "strong action".

Also-it's not always positive. I have a beautiful mask on my wall that my ex-girlfriend gave me years ago. It's called "passion". EVERYONE comments on how pained the expression is (and it is). But passion is deep emotion. It can be painful.
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  #25  
Old 10-18-2013, 09:51 PM
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SweetSensations SweetSensations is offline
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Default I can help you.

I am in ways like your wife in that it is very hard for me to cum. I will come back and help ya this weekend. I will teach you what I love. my favorite toys. etc...
What about you though? What about your pleasure. Let's get something for you too. I call BS on him being better than you. He is just a new toy showing her attention ...that is all BS.

I will bring you back some links with my favorite techniques this weekend.

H no longer wants sex. I was in a sexless marriage until I told H I could not take it anymore and was going outside the marriage for sex. I met a married man in the same position. Everything I learned trying to woo my H I get to use on MM. I know it is sad ...but it just is.
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  #26  
Old 10-18-2013, 10:01 PM
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Default In the meantime learn this ...

I love this technique...I love how this feels. I hope this tutorial is ok to post. Don't show her how you do this. Don't teach her, so she can't teach married man.

http://www.youporn.com/watch/7696812...ke-her-squirt/
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  #27  
Old 10-18-2013, 10:08 PM
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Heh ... ... see what a well-oiled machine we are on this site? We're going to help you with the technique and the passion as well.

You'll be okay, just stick with us. Keep us up to date on how things are going.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #28  
Old 10-19-2013, 08:45 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClarkMorgan View Post
Is it even possible to reprogram myself to be passionate or is it a personality trait I either have or don't?
ooo ooo pick me pick me! *waves hand around wildly*

I can totally relate to this.

My husband and I have always shared an incredible energy-based connection. We never had a very sexual relationship, and we've long lacked passion in a lot of ways.

That really bothered me for a while. Society told me that a healthy relationship has to be full of passion! So I struggled and struggled to find this passion, I followed all the exercises, did everything they recommended, and it didn't really make a difference.

I spoke with my husband about this, usually when I was "complaining" that our marriage wasn't passionate. He pointed out that it never really was, sex was never our big thing. "Yeah, but..." and he would just shrug and ask me what I wanted him to do. "Be more passionate!" I said. None of those conversations ever really went anywhere. (I'm a chick so obviously I managed to blame him for me being unpassionate. He is passionate... about work... I wanted him to be passionate about ME.)

So then I stepped back and asked myself: Why am I so set on finding this passion thing? We never really had it, we were madly in love when we met, we're still madly in love passion or no passion... so what's the big deal already?

Really, I'm just not a passionate person. I'm not really passionate about anything. Sure, I get really really excited about things every now and then, but they're generally short-lived obsessions then I get bored and move on. I do love horticulture, I have tons of plants, I guess that's sort of a passion... but then I forget to water them a lot and they get all droopy and, well, it doesn't seem like you would let that happen if you were really passionate about them... I love technology, computers and electronic gadgets... but when I go camping and turn them all off, I don't even notice their absence... so obviously that's not a passion either.

So finally I realized to look at this passion thing the same way I look at most things in my life: I'm happy, my life is satisfying, so why should I feel like something is missing just because society tells me something is missing? They're not in my marriage, they don't have any first hand experience on whether or not we're happy, so what could they possibly know about our marriage that we don't?

Then recently I learned the term "Grey-Asexual." Basically it means that I don't have much of a sex drive and I'm not sexually attracted to people. I do still have and enjoy sex, but I rarely think to initiate it and I don't care if it never happens. I shared this new discovery with my husband and figured that explained why I never really initiated sex. He said he was so glad to hear me say that, because he'd always said that we didn't have a sex-based relationship, but that he was always confused that I would keep bringing up these "we never have sex" discussions. He asked me why I'd kept on complaining about our lack of sex life if I didn't really care about sex, and I basically said that it was because "everyone" said a regular sex life is crucial for a happy and healthy marriage so I was just trying to follow the formula.

My husband and I have a wonderful companion marriage. We love each other very much, we cuddle together and share activities and occasionally have sex, but never rip-your-clothes-off-can't-wait-to-have-you-inside-me sex, and that works for us. Accepting it and taking away the expectation makes it work even better.

Talk to your wife about it. So maybe she's given up on the possibility of a passionate sex life with you. Is that really so awful? You admit that you're not really that into it anyway, and she's found a satisfying outlet for that need, and she continues to be romantic and companionable with you. Think carefully about whether that's really not enough. Is it that you yourself truly desire this change, or is it that you've been brainwashed into believing the same crap I was?

You came here asking how to improve your sex life with your wife, and the responses were all given under the assumption that you need to improve your sex life with your wife. Now I'm turning it around and asking why do you need to improve your sex life? You've been happy all along, and it's only now that she's getting that need met elsewhere that you believe it's a problem. Therefore, it's a jealousy / envy thing... So maybe instead of playing "How can I be more like the other guy?" you could play "How can I learn to accept myself for who I am?"

The way I see it, she's still there. She married you even though the passion wasn't there. She stayed married to you even though the passion dwindled. Now she's met some new hot stuff guy, and still she stays with you. My guess is that if she was ever going to leave you over a lousy sex life, she'd be long gone by now. Clearly what she sees in you and needs from you is something else. So find out what that is and learn to make it better than ever.

So maybe you're a reliable pickup truck and not a sexy convertible. You can't turn a pickup truck into a convertible without destroying what it is that makes the pickup truck useful. So forget about being a convertible, and just be the best damn pickup truck ever.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 10-19-2013 at 08:49 AM.
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  #29  
Old 10-19-2013, 09:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Believe me, I take you very seriously when you say this, but it also sparks up my sense of curiosity. Can you pin down the exact reason why you and your wife got married in the beginning? I mean, if you had any passion then, it doesn't sound like said passion was what drove your decision.

Did the two of you analyze your seeming personalities and situations, and decide/agree that they were compatible? Was there some kind of social pressure at work in convincing the two of you to get married? What was the nature and description of the connection that the two of you shared in the first place?
You didn't ask me, but I'm going to give my answer.

I asked my husband to marry me because I couldn't picture a future that didn't include him. We had already discussed being life partners and had both agreed that this was a forever type thing. So it just felt right to make an official commitment in the form of a marriage.

So I wanted us to be married because it seemed, I don't know, more legitimate and sincere than just being common-law. But more than anything, "it just felt right."

My husband likes to joke that I forced him to marry him. That certainly wasn't my intention, but I can see how it would come across that way. I wanted it, and I admit that I would have been incredibly disappointed and heartbroken if he'd said no. He didn't want to hurt me like that, and since he wasn't planning on going anywhere anyway, what the hell?

Now he likes married life. "Thanks for forcing me to marry you" has actually come out of his mouth. I think for someone with such low self-esteem, it means a lot that someone as awesome as me "chose him."

I fully agree that passion is pretty swell. But it's either there or it isn't. And if it isn't, that doesn't mean there's "nothing there."

As people grow older, passion naturally wains. First it's kids and jobs. Then it's hormones and stiff joints and irritable bowels. Passion is great when life is good, but it's not what's going to see you through hard times. It won't pay the bills, it won't fill your belly, and it won't comfort you when your parents pass away. So all the "good marriages" seem to end in loving companionship anyway, what's so terrible about starting out there?
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #30  
Old 10-20-2013, 04:55 AM
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SweetSensations SweetSensations is offline
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Default Positions video and animated positions link

Don't just do the positions pay attention to what and how they are telling you to stroke. We do a different position every week. Some of them are hard but it is fun even if only for a moment. One of my faves is me, bent over, hands planted on the ground, him grabbing my hips from behind.

http://www.bangyoulater.com/reality/...pPx-t0Cw.gmail

here is an animated version that I send him a day before we shag
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_butterfly.shtml
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