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  #11  
Old 10-15-2013, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by ClarkMorgan View Post
Over the years we watched videos, read books, etc. We tried different positions, oral, slow, fast, anything we could think of, but nothing improved the sex and we soon gave up trying. I should say that I gave up. Basically our sex life was foreplay, sometimes oral, intercourse, her use the vibrator and them me finish. I never really put out the effort to find something that work would for her. Iím not sure if it was laziness on my part, I thought things were OK as is, I thought we both accepted it would never get better, or some combination of those. At any rate I take full responsibility.
Good sex isn't about positions or techniques or videos, it's about genuinely wanting to please your partner and make them feel amazing. If you don't have that drive, then all the positions and techniques in the world aren't going to make a difference.

It sounds like she never "accepted" it or thought it was OK. She just gave up, which isn't the same thing as acceptance. She probably gave up years ago.

You want her to try again? Bring in the passion. All those "romantic" suggestions above are one possibility, but those to me sound more like ways to make her feel romanced and loved.

You know what makes it "better" with the other guy? His desire. He WANTS her. He TAKES her. And then when he has her, he wants to please her, wants to make her feel good. Genuinely tries to put her needs first. That's what makes a good lover, more than any specific technique.

Think of it like cooking. A good cook doesn't need a recipe, they just need passion and anything they throw together will be decadent. A bad cook doesn't care and no matter what recipe they use, it will never really turn out. It's not about recipes, it's about enjoying what you're doing and having the passion to do it properly.
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  #12  
Old 10-15-2013, 12:42 PM
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What positions and techniques work best with a small penis? I know I brought this on myself, but PLEASE HELP Ė I am desperate. Please donít tell me itís too late. I will try anything.
Sounds like a reluctant cuckold fantasy and we are all being invited to watch.
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  #13  
Old 10-15-2013, 06:18 PM
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Hey Clark,

Could you post an update and let us know if you've tried any of the suggestions in this thread so far? I am curious to know if some of it has helped so far.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #14  
Old 10-15-2013, 11:28 PM
ClarkMorgan ClarkMorgan is offline
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I sat down with my wife and went through all your replies. There was a lot of good advice and it was a real eye-opener for me.

The common thread we saw was passion. Her and her BF have a lot of passion for each other, too much to contribute it all to NRE. I don't think we ever had the passion between us that they have, even when we were first married. If we did, it diminished pretty quickly. The lack of passion is evident when we have sex and that is biggest difference between our sex life and theirs.

I need to find the passion that is within me and learn how to express it. She in turn has to open up and let me kindle the passion in her, and then find passion for me. I think (hope) this will have a snowball effect and we can put some passion in our marriage. Only then will the sex get better.

Is it even possible to reprogram myself to be passionate or is it a personality trait I either have or don't? We are going to marriage counseling and we are going to ask about this at our next session.

THANK YOU all for your replies. It really helped a lot.
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  #15  
Old 10-17-2013, 02:13 AM
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Clark, thanks for your update, it has considerable food for thought in my eyes.

Re:
Quote:
"I don't think we ever had the passion between us that they have, even when we were first married."
Believe me, I take you very seriously when you say this, but it also sparks up my sense of curiosity. Can you pin down the exact reason why you and your wife got married in the beginning? I mean, if you had any passion then, it doesn't sound like said passion was what drove your decision.

Did the two of you analyze your seeming personalities and situations, and decide/agree that they were compatible? Was there some kind of social pressure at work in convincing the two of you to get married? What was the nature and description of the connection that the two of you shared in the first place?

Or am I overanalyzing and the truth is that the two of you felt at the time that you had a passionate relationship, however her relationship with this new man has given her a whole new window into how immense passion can be?

You observed that whatever passion you and your wife once had, died out pretty quickly. Can you pin down the cause for this rapid change in your relationship dynamic? Was there something that changed in your actions towards each other? Did you become disillusioned with each other for some reason?

In any case, I strongly agree with you that passion is exactly what it's all about. Technique is just a side issue. Marriage counseling definitely sounds like something that could help you. You probably have some digging to do to figure out when and how things turned south for your interest in each other.

Some people are probably particularly passionate by nature (which is both a good and a bad thing; a passionate person is an emotional person which means more intense anger and sadness as well as more intense enthusiasm and ecstasy). But I actually believe that passion can be a learned trait. The mind is actually that powerful, that it can learn to understand what passion is, how it works, and how to adopt it. With the right assistance, you can probably get a grip on it.

I also agree with you that this acquisition of passion is a goal that you and your wife must pursue as a team. Both of you will need to open up, to yourselves and to each other. It takes a lot of vulnerability to open up like that, and vulnerability takes a lot of courage. Which usually means foraging ahead just when you feel the least brave.

I hope you'll have more posts for us as you proceed with your marriage counseling.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #16  
Old 10-17-2013, 03:25 AM
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Might I ask your question to you in reverse before offering a reply?

What ARE you passionate about?

Example: I am passionate about motorcycles (so is my husband). There was a time, when our passion for each other died for awhile. There was a variety of reasons-but they don't matter for this thread.
But-I wanted it back. I bought him a motorcycle. I KNEW he was passionate about them-and I knew I was. I made opportunities to ride with him, because riding turns me on. That helped me feel passion-then I used that passion on him.

Likewise-as much as people don't like to admit this; it's true too...

I had passion with my bf. I also used that, to rev up my own passion-and then used it on dh.

(Over the years, that has gone both directions as a matter of fact).

Anything you are passionate about, doing it can help you get the energy and adrenaline rush chemicals going in your system. Once you do that-you alter the direction you are focused on to the object you want to share that with.

With my ex, we would lift weights together. That was so HOT! I loved to watch him doing it and I loved when he was watching me. The motors would get running and then we would play (otherwise-he is very rarely sexually motivated AT ALL).


So-what is it that you are passionate about in life? What energizes you and gets you "rockin and rollin"?
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  #17  
Old 10-17-2013, 03:26 AM
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(and I really suggest checking out those videos-because part of passion is inducing the chemical rush in the body and that is DEFINITELY possible to learn)
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  #18  
Old 10-17-2013, 05:27 AM
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Good idea, tap into one passion in order to inspire another (namely the one in the bedroom). I like it. That's also why we hope to have RRE (Renewed Relationship Energy) in addition to NRE. It's possible for NRE to spill over and help invigorate the original relationship.

I believe the videos you spoke of are (from an early post)?
Quote:
"On an aside -- for learning purposes.
Redhottouch.com has some awesome videos on sensual massage and how to get him/her etc. off. We bought them and use them as 'pre-sex porn' for romantic nights. Seriously.
But you could get one or two and get some education on ideas. I have found them on amazon."
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  #19  
Old 10-17-2013, 06:37 PM
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Yes. They are helpful in a number of ways-they aren't "how to fuck" videos. They do give detailed visual explanations of how to relax muscles, relax, create passionate sensations for another person etc.
They also promote connection (emotional as well as physical) and suggestions regarding attitude and what to look for in body language etc.
Really-if one is struggling with the communication and intimacy aspect-great videos.
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  #20  
Old 10-17-2013, 10:55 PM
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Sounds like a good investment.
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