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Old 11-03-2013, 03:38 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Coerce yes, force no. He can issue all the ultimatums he wants, but he cannot force her to break her agreement with Mark. That is her choice and always will be. The worst he can do is walk away, which is his own choice to make if it's the right one for him.

Actually, not only "should" he not break up with Mark for her, but he "can" not. She has to agree to it, and then it's she who is breaking up with him. Her husband is not her owner or her guardian. He does not have the right, legal or otherwise, to speak on her behalf, unless she's in a coma.

Anyone can go up to any of my partners and declare that I'm breaking up with them. That doesn't make it true. None of my partners would accept that coming from any mouth but my own.

Some people are manipulative and coercive. But they only have the ability to manipulate and coerce you if you allow them. At any point, you have the right to simply say "no."

Like LR, my policy always was that the person giving the ultimatum automatically loses, simply on principle. But recently, I've come to realize that even that gives them too much power. My new policy is just to say "no" and drop it there. If they choose to leave because I refuse to be manipulated, then so much the better for me.
I agree with you logically. Sometimes it just doesn't "feel" that way. . It's especially tough I think to stand up to a spouse when there are children involved.

My couple had multiple issues before I joined them (neither of them fully understood how significant they were). After I joined, there was no ignoring them anymore. I found out later, that after I left (against the husband's wishes), he told his wife, that fact that I would never hurt him by making him choose was significant.

Last edited by bookbug; 11-03-2013 at 03:39 PM. Reason: Typos
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Old 11-03-2013, 05:27 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 931

The flip side of ultimatums is that, had my XH informed that he was going to continue seeing someone with whom he cheated on me and 'wouldn't choose,' I would have gladly chosen for him, and he'd be gone.

Oh, wait...he IS gone.

Had he added insult to injury by treating me as if I were the one with the problem, he'd have been gone even faster.
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Old 11-04-2013, 02:30 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 96

This had turned into a really relevant thread.

I'm glad I don't have to say no to an ultimatum or tell my husband to choose. It's good he came to that realization himself. We've been doing better this last week. Mark still feels like he's going to get kicked out any minute which is really rough for him. But he and Neverwhere are getting along great so that's helped to put everyone at ease.

Amanda is still living here, though she's spending a lot of time at her oldest son's house so things have been pretty quiet around here.

My husband is still dating his new gf and that seems to be going well, though she's mono so that presents its own set of issues. And tonight we have a divert date with another poly couple we found online in our area so that's promising if just for new friends who "get it".
--Jade, 31/f
Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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Old 11-05-2013, 02:22 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

I am very glad to hear it! (As you no doubt noticed, your situation struck a nerve with me. )
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