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  #21  
Old 10-27-2013, 06:45 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
I guess he figures that he's given enough. He tried to let me date his brother and it didn't work so he wants to stop now. I see that he gave and tried, but I don't know what the solution is. Either way one or two people is going to be miserable . More than likely all three of us will be.
Don't be surprised when he gets mad because you are sad. He thinks making you and Mark stop will make him feel better. It won't for long. Basically, he wants you to stop loving Mark too.

I have never learned how to un-love someone.

As I mentioned previously, I have been in a similar situation. Like Mark, I was the one treated as expendable. The wife gave the ultimatums. While booting me out of their lives isn't what ended their marriage, the underlying selfish, non-empathetic psychology did.

I am sorry. I know how much this sucks.

Perhaps your husband should be the one to break the news to Mark? Do not be the one to do his dirty work. You become your husband's weapon in that scenario.
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  #22  
Old 10-28-2013, 03:20 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Maybe I can spin this a different way. Perhaps your husband was never really accepting of you dating his brother, but he was tolerant because he did not want to control you or tell you who to love. Perhaps he was concerned about you resenting him if he told you that he was not okay with it. Perhaps he feared losing you because of his real feelings on the subject. Maybe someone is telling him he is a damn fool for "sharing" a woman with his brother. Maybe he even tried to be okay with it and found that it was too much to take. It is easy to accept a situation before you get in to it, but it is hard to predict how you will feel while in the situation. I think it is more than this situation with his ex-wife that his triggered this reaction. I would venture a guess that the recent events might have been the fire on fuse that set off the ticking bomb that was Neverwhere.

Do not encourage him to go to a counsellor under the guise of trying to get him to accept you and his brother being together. Bad move. What purpose does that serve him? That is one--of what sounds like-many (the drinking, the ex-wife, etc.) issues that need to be addressed. He/she needs to work from a different angle because your relationship with his brother it is not beneficial to him. I had to learn that about our counselling. Working from the angle of spoon feeding my husband poly and trying to make him tolerate it again meant we were at a standstill until we changed the course of action. Now that we have taken control and shifted it, we are making progress.

I am wishing you well. I know you are going through a tough time right now, and I am sorry about that. Remember this: trouble will not last always. You are weathering a storm, and hopefully when you get out of it, things will be better. Sending hugs your way.

Ry
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  #23  
Old 10-28-2013, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
.

I am wishing you well. I know you are going through a tough time right now, and I am sorry about that. Remember this: trouble will not last always. You are weathering a storm, and hopefully when you get out of it, things will be better. Sending hugs your way.

Ry
Thank you so much for your insight. It really helps. I do believe we have many issues to work out. We are at the best point in our marriage but still have much to talk about and work on.

Last night my husband told me his gf gave him a different perspective on me and Mark. She didn't even mean to but it was through a conversation they were having. Neverwhere explained to her that eventually you come to be happy for the other person instead of focusing on the time the spend with someone else. Today he talked to me from work and said he had changed some of his thinking and is feeling much happier about poly. He said it's an entire way of life and no one can tell someone else how to live it.

hmmm... I am hopeful that we will get over this next hurdle though it may take some time.
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Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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  #24  
Old 10-28-2013, 03:37 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I realize the decision to let me date Mark was a struggle for him, but months ago when we started neverwhere8 talked about how he didn't want Mark to move out and that he was happy for us dating. I'm not sure what changed. He said he always hated it and now he can't do it anymore. I don't fully believe him.
It seems to me the answer is right there.

The decision to have you date (and sleep with) his brother was a struggle for him. Sounds like he was never enthusiastically on board anyway.

Going to counseling with the idea the counselor is going to fix him and make him okay with his wife having sex with his brother is probably going to accomplish absolutely nothing, except maybe get the counselor a new yacht. Which is, of course, a good outcome for the counselor.
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  #25  
Old 10-28-2013, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
It seems to me the answer is right there.

The decision to have you date (and sleep with) his brother was a struggle for him. Sounds like he was never enthusiastically on board anyway.

Going to counseling with the idea the counselor is going to fix him and make him okay with his wife having sex with his brother is probably going to accomplish absolutely nothing, except maybe get the counselor a new yacht. Which is, of course, a good outcome for the counselor.

I fully understand that you can't force someone into something. It was his suggestion that he talk to our counselor himself about it. While he was uncomfortable at the beginning, I saw him being truly happy for us as the months went on. Either way, nor sure what the solution is now. It seems everyone will be resentful somehow.
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Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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  #26  
Old 10-28-2013, 05:23 PM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
I guess he figures that he's given enough. He tried to let me date his brother and it didn't work so he wants to stop now. I see that he gave and tried, but I don't know what the solution is. Either way one or two people is going to be miserable . More than likely all three of us will be.
Is it just me here, or am I reading into this incorrectly?,....From all the posts and replies, I can almost see your husbands new GF pushing him into thinking that your relationship with mark is wrong for some unforeseen reason. It could possibly be that she wants him to leave the relationship, and his own thoughts are in how to justify it.

Maybe I, and hopefully, I, am wrong about this, but I would be trying to figure out what is pushing him in the background.
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  #27  
Old 10-28-2013, 05:29 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Originally Posted by Dstone View Post
Is it just me here, or am I reading into this incorrectly?,....From all the posts and replies, I can almost see your husbands new GF pushing him into thinking that your relationship with mark is wrong for some unforeseen reason. It could possibly be that she wants him to leave the relationship, and his own thoughts are in how to justify it.

Maybe I, and hopefully, I, am wrong about this, but I would be trying to figure out what is pushing him in the background.
Do you mean my husband's ex wife? They are no longer dating but she did have a huge problem with me dating Mark and I know she mentioned it to my husband on numerous occasions.

His new gf of a couple weeks doesn't even know Mark and I ate dating.
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--Jade, 31/f
Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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  #28  
Old 10-28-2013, 05:36 PM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
Do you mean my husband's ex wife? They are no longer dating but she did have a huge problem with me dating Mark and I know she mentioned it to my husband on numerous occasions.

His new gf of a couple weeks doesn't even know Mark and I ate dating.
perhaps,...It just seems from the outside, that something hidden is driving his thoughts in the background toward justifying him leaving, using mark as the excuse.
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Dstone (me) - 45 Tecnical professional turned professional driver
BB - 47, Loving Wife and best friend / co-driver
ZF - 24, Also the love of my lfe. BB'd daughter.
My Twisted Story... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61388
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  #29  
Old 10-28-2013, 05:39 PM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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almost as if perhaps she had given 'Him' an ultimatum,...who knows,...I know something just doesn't add up here, sobriety set aside.
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BB - 47, Loving Wife and best friend / co-driver
ZF - 24, Also the love of my lfe. BB'd daughter.
My Twisted Story... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61388
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  #30  
Old 10-28-2013, 05:42 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Originally Posted by Dstone View Post
perhaps,...It just seems from the outside, that something hidden is driving his thoughts in the background toward justifying him leaving, using mark as the excuse.

I don't think my husband is thinking of leaving me. ... The most that would happen is he'd make me choose between him and Mark. And that would be a mess ams make everyone resentful but I don't think it would end our marriage. My husband and I fought hard and worked a lot to have the relationship we have today. He's my best friend and I'm his. I don't think leaving me has crossed his mind.
__________________
--Jade, 31/f
Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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