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  #11  
Old 10-14-2013, 04:37 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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There is already a therapist involved: this is a family crisis, time to call therapist.
Patiently, lovingly remind your husband that making ANY decisions in the midst of a crisis is always a bad idea.
Let the bil know (though this should be obvious) that dh is in emotional crisis AND starting meds AND getting sober; he is going to need extra support. Preferably from both of you. That may mean less time for the two of you while each of you put in the extra time to support dh.

Maca had similar issues. What I founf was, even discussing this during crisis was too much. He was hurt, needed a safe place to vent AND needed extra support he didn't think he could fairly ask for in a poly dynamic.
But-if you and bil automatically step into "our loved one is hurting and needs our support" mode; the same way you would if he were in a terribke car accident; he will have a safe place to start processing grief.
Discussions of ANYONE's romance can wait until the crisis has been managed.
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  #12  
Old 10-14-2013, 06:13 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Piggy-backing on LovingRadiance's comment: while you and bil step up the support for your dh during crisis mode, perhaps if dh pushes for a decision you could appeal to his logic saying something to the effect that it's unwise to make decisions in the throes of emotional upheaval - decisions he himself may regret down the line - and request that the ultimatums be tabled until such time that everyone is more clear-headed. What he is asking for can be done at any time in the future, but it may not be able to be undone.

I understand that your dh is hurting a lot, but emotional blackmail will not really net him what he wants in the long run. If you capitulate (and I certainly understand why you might) it could have the following side effects:

1. A building sense of resentment on your part due to your sacrifice
2. Your dh could view your capitulation as a testament of your love for him. Or just as likely, knowing that he forced you to choose through emotional blackmail, he could suffer increasing doubt about your feelings for him.
3. An issue between bil and dh, because dh is basically treating him as expendable.

I am sorry. I found myself in a very similar situation, except my role was that of the bil (genders reversed though - I am female). The dw made the dh choose. He tried to explain that he wouldn't make that choice. She made his life a living hell until he relented. I was gone a year when they ultimately separated. Divorce is imminent.

Last edited by bookbug; 10-14-2013 at 06:14 PM. Reason: Clarification
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  #13  
Old 10-18-2013, 10:03 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Thank you everyone for your sound and loving advice.

Mark and I have only hung out once since Amanda and Neverwhere broke up. I think my husband feels like I want to abandon him and be with Mark all the time. He always has snide remarks and is very mean to me about it. But I am being patient and kind toward him and trying to make sure he knows how much he's loved.

He says he wants to make things work for me and Mark. I just want everyone to be happy (codependent much??) and it seems like that's impossible...

I haven't been this depressed in a long time. Amanda is stressing me out to the max as well. She's so cold and detached.... It's pretty terrible.
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  #14  
Old 10-19-2013, 08:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post
I haven't been this depressed in a long time. Amanda is stressing me out to the max as well. She's so cold and detached.... It's pretty terrible.
Personally, I couldn't do it. I can't allow toxic, unhealthy people to share my space like that. It's not good for you, it's not good for her, and it's certainly not good for the kids. As the child of parents who didn't get along and tried for far too long to make it work "for the kids," please believe me when I say it doesn't work like that. Kids pick up on negative emotions, stress, anxiety... They start to believe those things are just normal parts of relationships, and that stays with them when they grow up and start to have their own relationships.

It wouldn't be necessary to shuffle the kids back and forth -- if there's space for her to live there, then there would be space for her to come "visit" on whatever kind of schedule would otherwise have the kids going to her place. Having her there only intermittently as a visitor rather than constantly as a housemate would take off a lot of the stress and burden of the situation, for everybody, without sending the kids to stay in the ghetto every weekend. Plus it would give the other parents a chance to go away once in a while on a romantic trip, sans enfants.
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  #15  
Old 10-27-2013, 08:54 AM
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things have settled a bit with Amanda. It's been a relief over the last few days. She went to family counseling with Neverwhere and I and we are talking about working together better with parenting issues and such.

My husband started dating someone new in the last week or so. He was out with her last night and so I spent the night with Mark. neverwhere8 checked in during the evening and asked if Mark and I had sex. When I answered yes I was given an ultimatum that it's time to choose between Mark and neverwhere8. keep in mind we've been sleeping together for months now.

hence why it's four in the morning and I'm up with a panic attack. I am at a loss. I realize the decision to let me date Mark was a struggle for him, but months ago when we started neverwhere8 talked about how he didn't want Mark to move out and that he was happy for us dating. I'm not sure what changed. He said he always hated it and now he can't do it anymore. I don't fully believe him.

There are feelings involved. Mark and I love each other and he pictured living here with the rest of us forever. I feel so sick and don't know how I am going to handle the discussion with my husband this week. He has said we can talk but he won't change his mind. We can be poly as long as it's with anyone but mark.

lost.
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Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate

Last edited by JadeDoor; 10-27-2013 at 08:56 AM.
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  #16  
Old 10-27-2013, 11:34 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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Your husband sounds like a spoiled self centered ass. He cannot and should not expect you to play his ultimatum game after being OK for months with Mark. Tell him you're not choosing anything. He needs to choose to be with you or without you. He stands to gain nothing by leaving you. At least staying with you allows him to raise your child together, love each other, and affords him an opportunity to find another lover. Leaving you means splitting child custody, alimony, losing your love, and having to find a new lover who may never be OK with poly should he want to go back to it.
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  #17  
Old 10-27-2013, 01:47 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JadeDoor View Post

My husband started dating someone new in the last week or so. He was out with her last night and so I spent the night with Mark. neverwhere8 checked in during the evening and asked if Mark and I had sex. When I answered yes I was given an ultimatum that it's time to choose between Mark and neverwhere8. keep in mind we've been sleeping together for months now.
I'm guessing he spent the night with his new girl since you were getting the chance to do so with Mark. Would put a lot of money down the two of them had sex as well but now he's getting all butthurt about you sleeping with your boyfriend of how many months now?

I'm with gravition. Tell him you aren't giving into his ultimatum and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. You aren't going to give up either person you love.
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  #18  
Old 10-27-2013, 02:07 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
I'm guessing he spent the night with his new girl since you were getting the chance to do so with Mark. Would put a lot of money down the two of them had sex as well but now he's getting all butthurt about you sleeping with your boyfriend of how many months now?

I'm with gravition. Tell him you aren't giving into his ultimatum and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. You aren't going to give up either person you love.
yes they slept together. The only thing that's changed this morning is he says he will go to our counselor this week to talk about how to deal with me dating his brother. he says it's too much of a taboo.

I guess ultimately I'll be faced with a choice. It's always going to be my husband but I'd prefer not to be made to choose.
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Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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  #19  
Old 10-27-2013, 03:32 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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He has put you in a shitty position, and in the long run making you choose is going to hurt your marriage. I'm not saying you can do anything different (except as the others suggested, tell him you're not going to choose and put it back on him - still not much wiggle room).

The problem here is that your husband is treating your feelings and Mark's with total disrespect. So he gets what he wants? What then? Everything is going to be wine and roses after he coerced you?
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  #20  
Old 10-27-2013, 05:33 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
He has put you in a shitty position, and in the long run making you choose is going to hurt your marriage. I'm not saying you can do anything different (except as the others suggested, tell him you're not going to choose and put it back on him - still not much wiggle room).

The problem here is that your husband is treating your feelings and Mark's with total disrespect. So he gets what he wants? What then? Everything is going to be wine and roses after he coerced you?
I guess he figures that he's given enough. He tried to let me date his brother and it didn't work so he wants to stop now. I see that he gave and tried, but I don't know what the solution is. Either way one or two people is going to be miserable . More than likely all three of us will be.
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Neverwhere - soon-to-be-ex-husband. We have a 4yo son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. She lives with him.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother and my roommate
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