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  #1  
Old 11-01-2013, 08:09 PM
Fruity Fruity is offline
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Default Hard Conversation With Hubby

So I just siigned up here recently. I have been reading the posts and learning as much as I can and I appreciate everyone's honesty when it comes to what can be a challenging relationship issue.

So my story...
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we are and continue to be happy. About 6 months ago, we added another man to our life. He did not live in and I will confess, it was mostly sexual in nature with the possibility he may move in with me and hubby sometime down the line.
Now with hubby and we have been 100% open...everytime me and #3 spent time together I would tell him so he had no worries.

But the other night he came out and asked me who I preferred when it came to the bedroom activities....And I was honest and told him #3. He was pretty devastated by this and I didn't expect it. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I also didn't want to lie.
Now I'm thinking the whole relationship is ruined. And I don't mean our marriage, we will be fine, but if hubby can't accept that I may prefer another man to him sexually, which could easily change over time, then is a poly relationship not for him/us?
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  #2  
Old 11-01-2013, 09:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I'm sorry you struggle.

But could take a step back from it. To me?

Quote:
But the other night he came out and asked me who I preferred when it came to the bedroom activities....And I was honest and told him #3.
This seems like DH not clarifying what his need is -- your answer is supposed to meet WHAT need? Could it be met another way?

This seems like you not asking what his need is and what prompted him to ask the question.

This seems like you not maintaining hinge boundaries: This is data he may WANT to know. But it is not data he NEEDS to know for protecting his sex health.

This seems like you not doing "think before you speak" on your part. Yes, you were honest with WHAT you told. But you were not necessarily kind in HOW you told -- blurting it out and not stopping to ask what the need is. Or stopping to find out WHY he asks this of you.

You are within your rights to tell your DH "I love you, hon. But you are asking performance details about sex share between me and X. Would you like me telling him details about sex share between me and you and how you perform? Probably not. For sex health, you need to know I share sex with X and what our safer sex practices are for maintaining health. That could affect your health. But the rest? No."

Did you stop to consider that when you share sex with #3, he also owns part of that data? And he may not want you sharing his sex performance data with anyone?

Sex health things like labs and whatnot that affect other people's sex health -- alright. But performance, skills and ability? Very personal info there. Some people are ok sharing that data and some are not.

Quote:
He was pretty devastated by this and I didn't expect it. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I also didn't want to lie.
Which is why stopping to think and stopping to ask clarifying questions matters.

If you could know what he needs, then perhaps another solution could arise -- one where his need is met, you are not oversharing TMI details and hurting his feelings, and you aren't lying.

Quote:
Now I'm thinking the whole relationship is ruined. And I don't mean our marriage, we will be fine, but if hubby can't accept that I may prefer another man to him sexually, which could easily change over time, then is a poly relationship not for him/us?
This seems like you freaking out and jumping the gun. One bump in the road is not the whole journey canceled! This is not about polyshipping per se. This is about keeping healthy boundaries to me.

Breathe, apologize to DH for blurting. Remind him preferences can change. Reassure him you love him, ask him what his need was in asking the question?
  • Did he want to know so he could be reassured of something?
  • Did he want feedback on your shared sex life with DH -- that you still enjoy it?
  • Something else?

Talk to him and sort it out.

Stay calm.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-01-2013 at 09:14 PM.
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Old 11-01-2013, 09:46 PM
Fruity Fruity is offline
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Wow a lot of information...and I think fundamentally it comes down to not blurting out my answer as quickly. But at the same time, I have NEVER had to measure my responses to his questions and I wasn't thinking that when I replied.

No matter..It will all work out. If we don't continue on this path, I am fine with that!
thanks for the insight!
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Old 11-02-2013, 01:16 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There is a thing called diplomacy. To be diplomatic is to be truthful without being brutal, and knowing when it is appropriate to tell it like it is and when it is better to hold back.

Personally, I would never tell one lover I preferred another over him. Ever. I just couldn't be that insensitive -- I was sort of flabbergasted to read that you just matter-of-factly told your husband you prefer your boyfriend sexually over him. Now, if hubs was into cuckoldry, that's something else altogether. But yeah, I would've found a diplomatic way to ask him why he wanted to know and I would have been much more protective of both husband's feelings and boyfriend's privacy. If I were you, I would apologize immediately for being insensitive and find a way to reassure him and ask what he needs to smooth things over.
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Old 11-02-2013, 03:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Personally, I would never tell one lover I preferred another over him. Ever. I just couldn't be that insensitive -- I was sort of flabbergasted to read that you just matter-of-factly told your husband you prefer your boyfriend sexually over him.
Maca has asked me this in the past (thankfully we are past that time). My answer has always been-two different men-two different sex lives. I refuse to compare for his benefit or detriment.
The guys DO both know that Maca is much more Dominant and GG is CLEARLY completely submissive. There is a lot that they can guess from that. GG knows how loud Maca is. But Maca hasn't a clue if GG is or not. Circumstance.

One benefit to poly is that it forces you to realize that there are ways to communicate that are more... carefully considered and compassionately honest, ways that maintain dignity for both parties while still allowing for honesty and integrity.
Too often we slip past the gates of learning this in mono relationships.
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Old 11-02-2013, 03:51 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
But at the same time, I have NEVER had to measure my responses to his questions and I wasn't thinking that when I replied.
Understandable. Because before you were in a 2 people-ship. Only had to deal in 2.

Now you are in a a 3 people-ship, and will have a transition time as you as you learn consider the needs of 3.

Can't behave like you are single ( just you).

Can't behave like (you + DH) is the only duo any more either.

There is still those layers in existence, but now have MORE layers to think about like (you + X), (Dh + X and how they get along), (You + DH + X) and how that layer gets along, etc.

Your polymath now includes more tiers.

Talk, sort it out, and be patient with one another. People are acclimating -- I'm sure nobody is trying to ding each other on purpose here. Goodwill, assuming positive intent and a willingness to forgive goes a long way to smoothing bumps in the road.

Hang in there!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-02-2013 at 03:56 AM.
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  #7  
Old 11-02-2013, 05:27 AM
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Those are words I would dread hearing from my wife, and believe me, the thought has crossed my insecure mind. To accept this I would need to embrace my "inner cuckold". This may or may not be an option for your husband. It would be my only hope of dealing this reality. I've spent plenty of time with them in bed, and I have gained a great respect for his sexual capabilities, and at times, feel envious. It is very different from from our lovemaking.

In order to rationalize, I tend to think the differing styles are simply a benefit for her, and if she able to fully enjoy both, then all the better for her. More importantly I also consider how I may be a better lover for her, a bit of a male competitiveness she and I can benefit from. I am not lazy or complacent in our sex, but now more driven to be a good lover. I am more what she prefers with regards to physicality, but he is marvelously creative and hard working. I really respect that!

Open and honest communication on the subject may help.
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Old 11-02-2013, 09:48 AM
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Are you being completely honest with your husband?

Is your preference due to the new and shiny of the NRE experience? Is it just that you are in different stages for each relationship? Did you tell him that?

Is it due to #3 meeting your needs/preferences in ways that your husband could if he were so informed? Are you honestly communicating your needs/preferences to your husband?

Are there certain things that your husband does that you prefer over #3? Did you tell him that?

From what you posted, you may have answered his direct question honestly, but are there details you left out?
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  #9  
Old 11-02-2013, 11:32 AM
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I don't feel that the husband should have asked that question if he didn't want or couldn't handle an honest answer. It's almost like setting up the wife to stroke his ego and she didn't do that, she answered him honestly...

But with that said, diplomacy (like previously posted) and tact is important to have when communicating with your significant other. And it is also possible that it is NRE at this time for the wife...It's different, it's new, it's exciting so it may seem to be better or it may actually be. Will things level out sexually over time? Probably...but in the meantime how you communicate, questions on partner asks, should only be asked if they want honest answers and maybe can learn from them...questions answered that could be taken hurtfully might need to be answered in a different way then straight out...

Also, no one should feel like they are walking on thin ice when talking with a partner or have to feel like they have to be very careful with what they say, its not fair to them and can also hinder open and honest communication...

Just my 2 cents (this is the husband, btw)
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Old 11-02-2013, 11:44 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustUs View Post
I don't feel that the husband should have asked that question if he didn't want or couldn't handle an honest answer. It's almost like setting up the wife to stroke his ego and she didn't do that, she answered him honestly...
But insecure people often DO just that, it means he was looking for reassurance, she had the opportunity to saying the smart and truthful thing (i.e. this is private, why do you want to know, do you need some reassurance?) or lie to him to keep him happy (why you of course darling...). Instead she tells the truth and crushes him.....that is going to take some major work to recover from.
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