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Old 10-13-2013, 06:25 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Ihq, I'm with you. I think it's a matter of common courtesy, if there's an agreement to be home at a certain time, to either follow through or call and explain. Common courtesy.

I think this whole 'nobody can control me or my body or my actions' can be carried too far, to the point of people becoming isolated islands. We do live together, it's important to be able to feel we can count on someone and rely on what they say. If they routinely show up late, it's about more than simply being late--it's about learning bit by bit that their word doesn't actually mean anything.
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Old 10-13-2013, 07:50 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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I think if you tell someone you're going to do something then you follow up on it if you can. If you can't then you let them know as soon as possible and apologise. It's not about rules but about being honest about your intentions and communicating if plans change.
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Old 10-13-2013, 11:00 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default most reasonable people can see

where the problematic behavior resides that bugs the OP. And it would be fairly ignorant to or rather outright incompetent to pretend that this devil is in the details, nobody can stop you from choosing to make that your point of contention Marcus, you can and it seems you likely will no matter what the OP says, answers, or clarifies you may not be able to see that to her the issue is not whether it's fifteen minutes late while she is watching reruns, and neither is it that he agreed to going on a date but made it clear he would not begone overnight, or at the latest after the bars close and if he wasn't coming home when he agreed, then he'd call

it sounds like she was pretty clear in the very first post in this thread, it's not the details that she appears to be very understanding of, but rather the continued disrespectful behavior after the fact that she is having a hard time with. Since it is someting that can be so easily remedied, to continue to twist it into something it is not is often taken as being mean spirited or at the least passive aggressive as it tends to be a sensitive topic that you are choosing to feign not understanding what the big deal is, big surprise since you so rarely ever choose to exercise strategery ATA657.976 of section two of the anarchist grammarian "how to dominate forum threads and win debates on the internet with our three week no fail patented system" and now I wish I did pay that $29.99 so I too could appear as superior

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-13-2013 at 11:03 PM.
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Old 10-14-2013, 08:45 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 72

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Were you waiting for him because you guys had agreed you were going to do a particular thing at a particular time? This thing being sensitive to when it is started?

Or was it "I'll be home at 8" and he wasn't home right at 8?

I don't know your situation and I'm sure there is lots to it, but it sounds like you are getting yourself worked up for no apparent reason.
I'll have to disagree.

If I am told Hey I'm going to walk around in downtown, see you at X time, or I'll let you know if anything changes. Then within a reasonable time for say traffic or what not (usually 15-20ish mins) I expect to see you walking through the door. Doesn't need a "date" or anything time specific behind that.

Now if you are going out, with the guys, for a walk, to run errands, on a date, and you say. Hey I gotta run not sure when I'll make it home. THAT's fine with me.

It's the giving me a time you'll be home by regardless of where you are going or what you'll be doing, and not sticking to the time YOU set. Basically if YOU set a time keep that time, or let me know it changed. I may have made plans but because you tell me you will be home, and I want to see you I will be home by that time too. It's just courtesy. I have a busy life, Kuroi has a busy life, we make time where we can. (or we used too. )

If you don't set a time; because you are going on a date, and aren't sure, then All I want to know is if you are coming home, or spending the whole night out. As in sleeping at your date's place.

Pretty much all of the "your late" issues that cropped up between Kuroi and I were all due hobby related activities. Sometimes I send calm messages checking everything ok, and asking how late Kuroi is running. Other times, I'm frustrated with waiting, and am not so calm. >.>
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
Kuroi - Straight (LTR 22+ years, married/fwb)
Momoiroi - child of Murasaki & Kuroi

Kimidori - Kuroi's SO

My lovers - Darkness & Mysteriousness (2+ years)
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:05 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

-- whoops - this was written without recognizing that there were other posts to respond to, as well (meaning: page 2...). Anyway, I'll leave it as is, though I read more since then and have a better understanding of things...

I'm wondering about these questions:

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I recommend taking a look at what is bothering you. Are you being so deeply and profoundly inconvenienced by his unabashed disregard for your feelings as to prompt so much irritation? Or... is this not a big deal and you are displacing some other negative feeling and using this as an outlet?

It sounds like something is definitely going on, but I'm skeptical that his being later than he said is really grounds for this much frustration.

Do you know what is actually bothering you?
From what you wrote earlier, the issue would have been easier if she'd stuck to her original schedule (she blew something off, do you fear she'll blow off other things that are directly connected to you?) and if they'd been together as a couple long enough for you to feel okay calling up and asking "hey, what's up?" Those two things (her changing her schedule for him, you feeling constrained so as to not send the wrong signal) could each, individually, be difficult spaces. I'm just guessing, based on what you wrote, but those sounded like where your buttons were pushed...

Last edited by pulliman; 10-15-2013 at 12:09 AM.
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Old 10-15-2013, 05:41 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

He was late. So what? The OP does definitely need to look at why him provisionally saying what time he expects to be home and not sticking to it causes such anxiety. Honestly people, let go. You don't own your partners. Let them have a life.

Last edited by london; 10-15-2013 at 07:50 AM.
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Old 10-15-2013, 06:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
(I am a very laid back person in general, but when someone fails to show as expected and I don't hear from them, it always crosses my mind that something may have happened to them, like a car wreck. No that has never actually been the case, but the point is you don't know.)
I'm with you on this. How hard is it to send a text when you realize you are running late saying "met up with x - we're going to y - won't be back home 'til z"? Or "drank too much - gonna crash at Joe's place". Then I don't worry and I know alternative ways to get in touch when they forget to charge their phones.

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
The issue of "what if they are dead in a ditch" has always been a weak argument imo. If they are out with their friends and are late... why are they late? Obviously because they are out with their friends and they are, god forbid, having a good time and lost track of the hour. If he's on a date and running late... what do you imagine happened? I'm sure he doesn't need his pissed off wife/girlfriend calling him and griping at him like he's a little kid. "The street lights are on and YOU SAID YOU'D BE HOME"
To be fair, the ONE time (nothing to do with poly) MrS didn't come home when I expected and there was no text and I couldn't get of him by phone in the AM...he had, in fact, taken out 50 feet of guardrail and totaled the car...luckily no one was hurt but people DO get into accidents. Doesn't matter if it is a date, friends, shopping or running to the post office...

It's not about being pissy and him getting in trouble - it's about follow through and courtesy. I don't give a damn whether he comes home or not - but 10 seconds to send a "will be home later than planned" text vs. hours of worry...that's not worth the trouble?

When the weather is bad I let the boys know when I am leaving the office and what route I am taking - so if I am late they can come dig me out of a ditch (where we live there are a lot of backroads with no traffic to stop and help, and no cell service - this is just basic back-up safety).

They boys are often in places/venues that are really loud when they are out - so they never hear their phones. Therefore, it is their job to inform me about changes in plans - I shouldn't have to spend hours tracking them down when they are late if I need the car back because the dog is unexpectedly sick and needs to go to the vet.

It's not about rules - our actions affect other people, we should be courteous and take that into consideration.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-15-2013 at 06:05 AM.
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Old 10-15-2013, 07:48 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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The problem occurs when one person doesn't count sayig what time they reckon they will be back as a 'plan'.
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Old 10-15-2013, 03:38 PM
PipersGirl PipersGirl is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 33

How is extending common courtesy to a partner (or anyone for that matter) controlling or limiting?

If I tell my partner (or a friend or really anyone) that Iíll be home (or at a certain location) at a certain time, Iíll be there. If the other person requests that we meet at a certain time and I *agree* to that time, Iíll be there. If something comes up and Iím running late (more than a couple of minutes), it only takes seconds to text the other person and let them know that! To *me*, itís rude to be late and to not inform the effected party of that.

So if I donít ďplanĒ to be somewhere at a specific time, I donít tell the person Iím meeting a set time. Why say Iíll be there at 8pm if thatís not my intention? If Iím not sure what time Iíll be there, I tell the other person that, whether itís my partner or a friend or... whoever.

Iím willing to bet that if (generic) you has a job interview or an appointment with a business associate, youíll be on time. Or if you are going to be late, you call and let them know that.

It truly baffles me why it suddenly becomes an issue of ďcontrolĒ or some deep underlying issue that your partner has if he/she gets irritated or annoyed that he/she didn't receive the same courtesy as a stranger or a business associate.

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Old 10-15-2013, 05:39 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
When the weather is bad I let the boys know when I am leaving the office and what route I am taking
When weather is bad and someone is running late it is reasonable to be concerned. It is also reasonable to assume that they don't want to call me or text me while they are driving in severe weather. I can understand waiting until it seems like too long and texting a "Hey, it's awful out there, if you can send me a smiley face to let me know you are ok please do"... what I don't get is "How dare you not call me, I'm worried sick, blah blah nag blah nag". The question should be raised, is the irritation commensurate with the crime?

For the cheap seats, all I'm suggesting is to keep things in perspective and to be honest about the nature of the agitation and seeming need to be given regular updates.

I have a friend who has what I consider to be a severely heightened sense of obligation when someone says they are going to do something. He gets irritated when someone doesn't perform exactly as they stated they would. He isn't irritated because he has been inconvenienced or injured, he is simply put out because someone didn't perform as promised. It's the principle of the thing which causes him to get upset, even if the action promised was essentially irrelevant.

To me, this is not rational. I do understand having an opinion about being put out, delayed, injured, whatever (as I alluded to in my previous post), but getting irritated just on principle? I get that people do it, hell *I* do it, but that doesn't make it reasonable, positive, or healthy.

So again, all I'm saying is that people should check their motivations when they get annoyed by people being late. Is the principle of "you said 8 and it's 8:15" really worth the irritation if there was no harm or delay caused? Is it even relevant in the grand scheme of things? I say... not remotely.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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