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  #11  
Old 10-12-2013, 10:23 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by Murasaki View Post
When does N inform the people he's meeting that he is married? Right out of the gate, or after genuine interest is expressed by the person he meet?

I tend to refer to Kuroi as my partner, sometimes as my life partner. I used to specifically say I was married, but I too have found this "married" label to be limiting. When I say I am partnered, that somehow doesn't seem like as much of an issue for others.
They know hes a married man. When he tells them we are poly they find it interesting.
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  #12  
Old 10-13-2013, 12:02 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by wallabytron View Post

We have a great marriage and get along very well, we've never really had any issues and we're both very upfront and honest. When we first opened up our relationship everything was going great, I was meeting people (though no one who really wanted a relationship) and she was having a good time talking to a older coworker who lived abroad. That was a few months ago.

... We're both attractive and have no problems talking to new people, it's just not the same being a married guy looking for a girlfriend. I read this over and over before we started being poly, only half believing it, but I've found that the odds are very much against me finding someone to date as a married poly guy. It's not my wife's fault, men tend to overlook relational commitments far more than women do (it seems) but I'm finding it hard to not get down—not because she's with someone, but because I can't seem to find... anyone.

In most of my circles more than a few people know that I'm married and mention my wife in casual conversation. I find this extremely challenging as it seems to ruin my chances of meeting new people when I'm out, I'm always spoken of as "taken" and it's hard not to appear the sleazeball acting otherwise. Online, mainly OKC, I tend to run into the same problem, no women really want to get involved with a married guy. I understand this, and I've read enough on here to know that I should be looking for poly folks but there's only a few of them and I'm not interested in any of them—I'm sure I can't be the only one.

So, where I am today is wondering if living as a single poly person, no longer sharing a house together and living separately but still having a relationship is something anyone else has done? I don't want to bring dates back to the house we share and I'm finding that showing up at bars with friends as the "married guy" just isn't practical in meeting people.
Why did you decide to open your marriage?

Why do you want to date someone? I understand changing a marriage to a poly structure when somebody falls in love with another person, but I have never understood the conscious decision to go out and look for another person to fall in love with when already committed to someone. Is it that you miss the excitement of fresh, new infatuation but don't want to lose the safety net of a home base?

I'm not clear on your intent: to divorce your wife and live as a single man while still seeing her, or to simply get your own love nest to bring women home to so you can pretend to them that you're single?

Is getting that really important enough to you to divorce your wife? How do you think a new woman would feel if she gets involved with you, thinking of you as an unmarried man living in his own house, only to find out that you were married, divorced and moved into your own home so you could appear single in order to get women, but still regarded yourself as married to your sort of ex wife? Knowing only that much--if I have that right--I'd be furious with someone if I found that out. I'd feel like I'd been lured into a trap and deceived.

Or do you plan to be upfront with other women that you divorced and got your own place, in order to get women, but are in a permanent relationship with your wife?

Would you consider yourself available to marry someone else, but would expect her to understand you'll continue dating your wife?

What are your wife's thoughts on this? What will you be explaining to family and friends as to why you divorced? Or, better yet, why you're still married, but living in your own home. If picking up women in front of your friends is going to come across as sleazy, how do you think setting up in your own house so you can pose as single to get women is going to come across?

According to what I read here right now--and I say this in the spirit of help, not as an attack--regardless of how good-looking you are, or how great at talking to people, even if you're magnificently wealthy to boot, I wouldn't date you, because you seem very stuck on what you want, as if you're out looking for a new toy. You seem a little petulant, saying yes, you GET why a woman would have no interest in dating a married man, but, but, BUT....you waaaaaant a girlfriend, and you don't liiiiiike any of those poly types, you want the girlfriends off thaaaaaaat shelf. (Get it for me Deddy, I WUHNT it!)

You seem to come very close to the attitude that you're so good-looking and well-spoken that women should fall all over themselves to date you, and just ignore this pesky little Being Married-Probably Very Little Chance of Marriage here.

In short, it seems as if this whole dating thing is a fun hobby for you and your wife, and the problem with that is, other people, unlike your new golf clubs, cannot be stuck back in the closet when you're through with them, or want to do a puzzle instead.
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  #13  
Old 10-13-2013, 12:11 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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If my BF posted here, he'd say much as a couple others have said: he and I did not meet because he was online looking for a new Girlfriend to entertain himself, but rather met in the course of our daily lives, in a group for an interest we share. We'd known each other a long time before I got divorced. We were friends.

Of the other serious girlfriends he's had in the past, it's been the same. He's just been carrying on with his interests and met them, while they're both doing things they love

FWIW, I would never have given the time of day to someone online or some guy I'd just met who was married and wanted to date me. Yes, I'd think it was sleazy. After BF, I will never, ever do it again. There are some serious flaws inherent to dating a married man. BF himself, in our two years together, has sworn that he will never again date outside the poly world because he has hurt me, he himself feels a lot of guilt, and he doesn't ever want to do this to another person again.
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  #14  
Old 10-13-2013, 02:17 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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WH.. Some of its are just wired to be this way.

Before Butch I bounced from relationship to relationship because there was always this itch. But being raised with the you can't have two serious partners model I would end my relationships when my eyes began to wander. Never dated a man beyond 2 years other than Butch. There were many I was still in love with but exited the relationship because my eye was wandering.

With Butch I fought it 7 years. Upon talking he pointed out I was polyamorus. While I did not go looking actively I was open to finding someone. Never liked actively pursuing dating when I was single. I have always played the if it is meant to be it will find me game. I just lived my life.

The only thing I changed was I allowed myself a social life sans Butch. I dated here and there before Murf.

OP... If you are looking to divorce or separate from your wife just to score a piece of trail. Karma is going to smack you down hard. Live your life honestly.
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  #15  
Old 10-13-2013, 02:26 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
WH.. Some of its are just wired to be this way.

Before Butch I bounced from relationship to relationship because there was always this itch. But being raised with the you can't have two serious partners model I would end my relationships when my eyes began to wander. Never dated a man beyond 2 years other than Butch. There were many I was still in love with but exited the relationship because my eye was wandering.

With Butch I fought it 7 years. Upon talking he pointed out I was polyamorus. While I did not go looking actively I was open to finding someone. Never liked actively pursuing dating when I was single. I have always played the if it is meant to be it will find me game. I just lived my life.

The only thing I changed was I allowed myself a social life sans Butch. I dated here and there before Murf.
This is the difference I'm talking about. Eyes wander, falling in love, developing crushes, 'fighting it' and finally deciding to allow it to happen the next time it happens, living life and if it happens it happens....is all different from a conscious decision to go look actively seek a girlfriend/boyfriend for the sake of having one.

OP didn't give any background on why they decided to open their marriage. Did one or both of them have the same experience as you? Did they just decide it would be fun to have that NRE feeling again that often gets lost as marriages settle into long term?
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  #16  
Old 10-13-2013, 02:09 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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If it's any consolation, I'm a married woman seeking a relationship with another woman, and I'm finding it very difficult to find women to date. Seems like every other married bi women I encounter is looking for a unicorn, and I'm not interested in that. The gay women want monogamy, and I can't give them that. So yeah, I'm struggling, stuck mostly in online chitchat with women that live too far away for me to actually get with.

I've only been dating outside the marriage for a year, and I've found it is true that men are far more willing to overlook the fact that I'm married than women, at least as far as sex goes. In the year since I came out to my husband that I could not longer tolerate monogamy, I have dated one woman (very seriously) and two men (casually.) I've turned down other several men. As for women, no serious contenders are in sight, and like you, I get bummed out about that.

I have frequently had the thought that if I wasn't married, or if I identified as "gay" instead of "bi," my luck might turn around. But the truth is, I am married, and I am bisexual, and whoever wants to be in my life is going to have to deal with that.I comfort myself with the fact that I'm open, I'm actively looking online and IRL, and when it happens, it will be amazing. No sense getting into something with the wrong person just to get into something, you know?
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  #17  
Old 10-13-2013, 04:59 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
If it's any consolation, I'm a married woman seeking a relationship with another woman, and I'm finding it very difficult to find women to date. Seems like every other married bi women I encounter is looking for a unicorn, and I'm not interested in that. The gay women want monogamy, and I can't give them that. So yeah, I'm struggling, stuck mostly in online chitchat with women that live too far away for me to actually get with.

I've only been dating outside the marriage for a year, and I've found it is true that men are far more willing to overlook the fact that I'm married than women, at least as far as sex goes. In the year since I came out to my husband that I could not longer tolerate monogamy, I have dated one woman (very seriously) and two men (casually.) I've turned down other several men. As for women, no serious contenders are in sight, and like you, I get bummed out about that.

I have frequently had the thought that if I wasn't married, or if I identified as "gay" instead of "bi," my luck might turn around. But the truth is, I am married, and I am bisexual, and whoever wants to be in my life is going to have to deal with that.I comfort myself with the fact that I'm open, I'm actively looking online and IRL, and when it happens, it will be amazing. No sense getting into something with the wrong person just to get into something, you know?
Yeah I gave up looking for women lol
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