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Old 10-11-2013, 11:25 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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Murf had a female friend who he went on 2 dates with 6 months before we met. He decided he wasn't into her and stopped seeing her. Since they knew each other since high school and share a distant social circle to remain friends.

A year into our relationship we changed our relationship status into in a relationship on Facebook. Butch isn't on Facebook. When S saw this she immediately messaged me and began accusing Murf of being a douche bag who would break my heart. And a whole lot more. I answered her with a thanks for your concern message but since we had been together at that point a year, I was sure he wasn't a douche.

Well that set her off and a huge shit storm began. With her trying to ruin his relationship anyway she could. All because he had moved on.

OP you are his EX. Leave his current relationship alone. I too question your motives to stick your nose in your ex boyfriends relationship. Especially since it sounds like he is happy.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 10-12-2013, 06:03 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Unless you actually KNOW something is actually going on and aren't just basing your concerns over gossip that you've heard I would stay out of it for sure. At the moment you've just heard through someone else that she's seeing someone else. That may or may not be true. Going to your friend and telling him anything at this point is just spreading gossip. I agree that you'd be better off going to her and telling her what you've heard in a non-confrontational manner. Things like this can get really blown out of proportion really quickly.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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Old 10-12-2013, 09:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I want to make sure my friend isn't putting all his eggs in a broken basket, or at least that he is aware of the baskets flaws.
If that is the goal? Could deal with him direct.

You could make your friend aware of what you heard. And then leave it to him to decide what (if anything) he feels like doing about it. And have faith in the friendship -- that it isn't flimsy and a simple honest question isn't going to be a big thing.

Could keep it simple and honest. Maybe something like...
"Look, you and I? We're exes. That's not changing. We're friends.

As your friend? I wanted to make you aware that I heard Erika is seeing Ned. You seem to believe that you and Erika are not seeing anyone else. I'm not trying to make waves -- I want things for you and Erika to go well. What I heard could be wrong and behind the times. I hope so.

I didn't know what to do and you never told me your preference so I'm going out on a limb here. I'm just giving you the heads up so you are aware.

Could you reassure me that this is old news? Could you tell me what you prefer I do as your friend when I hear things in future? Should I let you know or ignore it or what? I need guidance. I hope I did not step on toes."
And leave it to him to decide what to do about it and clarify how he wants to you behave in future when you hear things that might concern him.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-12-2013 at 10:13 PM.
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Old 10-13-2013, 02:32 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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One of the great frustrations on the infidelity board is how many people knew and said nothing. The cheated on spouse often feels almost as betrayed by those people who let them frolic along in blissful ignorance, as by the cheater.
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Old 10-13-2013, 07:20 AM
SilverKate SilverKate is offline
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Default I would want to know but I would want to be told nicely

If I were the "cheated on" spouse I would want to know.

However I would want to know nicely.

I love the op who said she would take folks out to coffie and let them both know what is going on around them.

I have been told before about both my late and my current guys. I usully say thank you and let the conversation drop no matter how close a friend that tells me. Even when I show no emotional response to the friend I follow up. If I need to.

While I do get information from others and listen politely ultimatum the relationships are at home.


Difference between poly and cheeting.

If one of the partner doesn't know because it would hurt them, hurt you or mess up your life. Its cheating. Consent without converse/coercion equals an equal relationship.
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Old 10-16-2013, 06:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Tim is not just an ex. He is your friend. Some people can't stay friends with their exes, so they don't understand that the relationship can be different. I have several exes I am friends with and we can talk about our current relationships with no weirdness. However, you referred to him in your OP as an "ex," so is there more energy or motive behind this than you really want to admit?

If it really is just out of concern for a friend, I see nothing wrong with telling him about it. You can either look into it and verify it first somehow, or tell him you heard a nasty rumor and thought he should know what someone is saying about his gf. Then just say it like you would tell any friend. Or get your bf to do it, I see nothing wrong with that either. He would just be a messenger, but you would have to make sure he doesn't paint YOU in the wrong way if he does it (always better not to have the "Telephone Game" effect).

Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
. . . mind your own business.
<giggle> I still see MYOB and think "Make Your Own Bed!" It always takes me a long time to connect the letters with what it really means.
The world opens up... when you do.

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Old 10-16-2013, 11:10 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post

<giggle> I still see MYOB and think "Make Your Own Bed!" It always takes me a long time to connect the letters with what it really means.
Honestly, the first time I mis-read it as BYOB - bring your own beer! I only thought, "what odd advice," for a second before I re-read it.
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Old 10-18-2013, 08:50 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I would say, after reading everything, if your motives are pure, you should take it to Tim with qualifications that it was something you heard. I think Galagirl's potential conversation is excellent.
Me: 43 straight male in a V with
Kay - mono female - married 20 years
Txgirl - 2 year relationship
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