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  #1  
Old 10-09-2013, 09:52 PM
Mic Mic is offline
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Default Polyamory VS Independence

Do you think that independence(alway enjoy being alone) is obligatory for being poly? In other words, what do you think the relationship between polyamory and independence?
If you are dependent, how do you do when you are alone?
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:03 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Nope. Not a requirement.
I am rarely if ever alone with two men and two kids at home. Two grandkids who visit regularly and three kids out of the house.
Poly for me allows me to NOT be alone.
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Old 10-09-2013, 11:41 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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For all that the Myers-Briggs test tells me that I'm equally intro- and extroverted, I don't actually like being alone - until I really do, and then I don't even notice the people around me.

As my wife is on a date (though she's "not poly," just, you know, on a date with her lover who is also my lover who is also ... oh, never mind, it's simple for us but too complicated to explain), I don't really think about being alone. I have kids in the house, which means I'm physically not alone, of course. Also, I'm writing to my long-distance and long-term love, EL, talking about ... well, lots of things.

Maybe I think about it differently from the mindset of the question or LR's response: I'm not really ever alone, even when I'm sitting by myself. I carry multitudes inside me, have conversations with them either asynchronously (via email/etc) or in isolation (meaning, with the person that I carry around inside me). I have SO MANY people, they're deeply alive to me...

I guess I'm never really alone. I wonder if that's the answer you were looking for - I don't think it was...?

Because when I re-read the question, I see that you asked about independence, not about being alone. Even there, I'm not really independent. Kids, spouse, relationships, these are all a web. They interact, they connect, and each part of the web responds to the other parts, via the connections across one or multiple people. I feel grand, being part of a network. I'm not independent at all - I'm connected. I'm not dependent (though I'd be heartbroken to have my connections break), but I'm not independent. Being connected, even when alone, seems to be the whole point of my poly life.

Huh. That's a new way to phrase it. Not sure if others feel that way.
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Old 10-10-2013, 12:20 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mic View Post
Do you think that independence(alway enjoy being alone) is obligatory for being poly? In other words, what do you think the relationship between polyamory and independence?
If you are dependent, how do you do when you are alone?
Independence, as opposed to codependent or interdependent, would seem to be a more healthy way of relating to other human beings. Needing to depend on one another for our health, happiness, or security is unfortunate (though in the short term can be necessary) when it comes to adult personal relationships. Dependency makes genuine appreciation of each other complicated and applies external pressure which should be avoided whenever possible.

In this way I would say it is better to be independent in any relationship (poly or otherwise). That is due to the fact that in most cases I find "genuine" and "dependent" to be a dichotomy.
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Old 10-10-2013, 03:24 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Do you think that independence(alway enjoy being alone) is obligatory for being poly? In other words, what do you think the relationship between polyamory and independence?
If you are dependent, how do you do when you are alone?
I don't define "independence" as meaning "always enjoying being alone." That being said, allow me to focus on the "enjoying being alone" bit. I do crave my alone time...the more time I spend with others...the more I need the time I have to myself.

I don't think it's necessary to being poly, but the way I practice it, and my life generally, requires me to always be okay with the fact of not being with a particular partner (or any relationship in my life, friends, family, etc.)

Certainly, I think being able to be apart from a partner helps a poly lifestyle.
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Old 10-10-2013, 06:10 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mic View Post
Do you think that independence(alway enjoy being alone) is obligatory for being poly? In other words, what do you think the relationship between polyamory and independence?
If you are dependent, how do you do when you are alone?
I would actually wonder if many poly people do better if they are less independent. Not all - and it depends on set up of relationship, of course.

From my readings of this board, it seems that for people with multiple close or developing relationships, time to do their own thing, plan their lives or even to think about themselves is in short supply.

Some mono partners of poly folks also seem to spend large chunks of time discussing how their relationship is going with their partner and with their partner's other partner(s). The need to balance the relationships is often (it seems to me) a major factor in their mono relationship. To me, that limits independence enormously.

I am hugely independent and the thought of living in those ways makes me want to run screaming. For similar reasons, I wouldn't have a partner who had small children or one who was very close to a large family and expected me to become part of that family.

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Old 10-10-2013, 01:02 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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I would say it is best to be independent in the sense that you know yourself and are fully comfortable with who you are. Versus needing others around constantly to validate yourself. I don't mean independent in the sense that you would prefer to be alone most of the time.
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Old 10-10-2013, 03:25 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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I would say it is best to be independent in the sense that you know yourself and are fully comfortable with who you are. Versus needing others around constantly to validate yourself. I don't mean independent in the sense that you would prefer to be alone most of the time.
That resonates with me as well. I've been in long term relationships since 1992 pretty much non-stop. I've always considered myself independent. In the fact that I, me, myself choose to be in a particular relationship just as the person I am with chooses to be in the relationship with me. At any point the relationship could end and I would still be me, alive, living and in this thing I call "my life".

I guess I look at everything that happens to me and that I choose as MY life. Who I involve along the way...well, they hopefully make good company as we share our lives together...but I've never lost sight that this is MY LIFE. In that, I guess I'm very independent...and enjoy very much sharing my life with others who choose to be in it.
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