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  #21  
Old 01-28-2014, 02:30 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Thank you for this well thought response, Kevin! This thread is a few months old but big things like this one do not go away in such a short time - so no worry about necroposting.

Where I am at with this issue at this moment… Well, I am on birth control and have no plans to get off anytime soon. Actually, some big changes need to happen before I can even consider it. My feelings have not changed, it is still a huge “Hell, no!!” if I think of the whole issue of having a child. So NO be it. Not for me, not now, maybe not ever.

It was a huge relief to let go of the thought. To free myself of the “should”... I thought that I’d make my guys happy by agreeing to get pregnant, but then I realized that if I do it against my own willingness, no one is going to be happy. And this is where we are at now.

I have tried to get to the roots of my feelings. Why is it that I do not want to have kids? When I try to make some sense to that feeling using logic as my tool, I end up with some pretty disturbing thought patterns. So it might be best to not even try to understand the *why* and just accept the emotions as they are. Anyway, that kind of approach makes me feel better

There is this one incident from my past that has come to my mind when thinking of this. It was at the time me and CJ were getting married. We did not tell almost anyone about the plan, just went quietly to the local registry office. A few days before the wedding one of my co-workers came to me and said: You look so happy and glowing, I have to ask, are you pregnant? To answer, I told her no, I am not pregnant but I am getting married in a few days and feeling happy. This comment puzzled me at that time, and it kind of still does. My first thought then was that I’d be devastated instead of happy if I was pregnant, why would she draw that kind of conclusions about my happy looks? Anyway, I definitely had a strong warm and fuzzy feeling about the marriage. Now, if I ever end up having a child (or children) THAT is the type of feeling I should have when thinking of getting pregnant - apparently other women do feel warm fuzzies about having babies? I am not there at the moment, not anywhere near to that.
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  #22  
Old 01-28-2014, 06:29 PM
Jenikyula Jenikyula is offline
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The decision to not have children is a smart one, especially in this day and age. Trust yourself, know yourself, and don't let your partners pressure you into having children. You deserve respect and are really sacred because you have the potential to give life, even if you choose not to act on that potential.
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  #23  
Old 01-28-2014, 10:15 PM
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I think some people are just not meant to have kids, ya know? My poly unit has three people in it, and all three of us agree that we don't want to have kids. Both of the men in our unit has been appropriately "fixed" in harmony with that decision, so we are very sure about it.

And maybe you'll not adopt, but you'll still have opportunity to interact with various kids, and have a positive impact on their lives. Sometimes kids remember the littlest things that we as adults think they would forget.

Sometimes I think, "Uh oh, there won't be any bloodline issuing from Kevin Thompson to demonstrate what his genes' destiny would be." Yes, when I go, the last of my bloodline will go with me. Not so true of my siblings, most of whom have kids. But that quibble doesn't bother me too much. I can't pass on my genes, but I can still pass on my memes. Every person I meet on the street is someone who'll carry away with them some small piece of me. Wherever I go in this world, I influence (no matter how slightly) how that world will be, and how it will become. The butterfly effect.

As others have pointed out, there's lots and lots of kids (and adults) filling this world, and parents are lining up at the door to add even more people. It's actually a good and needed thing if more people would volunteer to not add more kids to that already-overpopulated equation.

I know: the Catholic, Mormon, and more than a few other churches would tan my hide for saying that. "God wants us to have more kids! What more reason would you need?" Yyyeah. I'd need my own personal conviction, that's what I'd need.

Quote:
"I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who are equally certain that they represent the divine will. I am sure that either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some respects, both. I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me."
-- Abraham Lincoln
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  #24  
Old 01-29-2014, 12:17 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Never felt any wish to have kids. Which is good, as I don't like the usual production method, either.
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  #25  
Old 01-29-2014, 02:04 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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My ex wanted a child to solidify us as a couple. I indulged him and 6 years later we had a planned second child.

When i met N he was nearly 30 and never planned on marrying or having kids. We married 2 daya after our first anniversary and we have 2 daughters ( both unplanned). We love them all and im glad for our happy accidents. I joke around that the only way to get a man in his family to marry you is to get knocked up lol.

Both my ex and N have had a vasectomy so neither will be having additional children. i dont plan on having more kids either.
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  #26  
Old 01-30-2014, 09:48 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
I have tried to get to the roots of my feelings. Why is it that I do not want to have kids? When I try to make some sense to that feeling using logic as my tool, I end up with some pretty disturbing thought patterns. So it might be best to not even try to understand the *why* and just accept the emotions as they are. Anyway, that kind of approach makes me feel better
I think it's people who want kids who should ask themselves why, because having kids is a huge decision that needs a good reason. You don't need a reason for not wanting kids, because having no kids is the default state for everyone, and you're just keeping it. Think about it, isn't it strange that childfree people always face the question "why don't you want kids?" but people who want/have kids are rarely asked why?
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  #27  
Old 01-30-2014, 07:51 PM
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Good point Eponine ...
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  #28  
Old 03-04-2014, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
Thank you for this well thought response, Kevin! This thread is a few months old but big things like this one do not go away in such a short time - so no worry about necroposting.

Where I am at with this issue at this moment… Well, I am on birth control and have no plans to get off anytime soon. Actually, some big changes need to happen before I can even consider it. My feelings have not changed, it is still a huge “Hell, no!!” if I think of the whole issue of having a child. So NO be it. Not for me, not now, maybe not ever.

It was a huge relief to let go of the thought. To free myself of the “should”... I thought that I’d make my guys happy by agreeing to get pregnant, but then I realized that if I do it against my own willingness, no one is going to be happy. And this is where we are at now.

I have tried to get to the roots of my feelings. Why is it that I do not want to have kids? When I try to make some sense to that feeling using logic as my tool, I end up with some pretty disturbing thought patterns. So it might be best to not even try to understand the *why* and just accept the emotions as they are. Anyway, that kind of approach makes me feel better

There is this one incident from my past that has come to my mind when thinking of this. It was at the time me and CJ were getting married. We did not tell almost anyone about the plan, just went quietly to the local registry office. A few days before the wedding one of my co-workers came to me and said: You look so happy and glowing, I have to ask, are you pregnant? To answer, I told her no, I am not pregnant but I am getting married in a few days and feeling happy. This comment puzzled me at that time, and it kind of still does. My first thought then was that I’d be devastated instead of happy if I was pregnant, why would she draw that kind of conclusions about my happy looks? Anyway, I definitely had a strong warm and fuzzy feeling about the marriage. Now, if I ever end up having a child (or children) THAT is the type of feeling I should have when thinking of getting pregnant - apparently other women do feel warm fuzzies about having babies? I am not there at the moment, not anywhere near to that.


Hey Nadya

Your thread caught my attention...

My wife was a lot like you about motherhood. I was the one who always wanted to have a family. Before we married, she always said "some day I want kids" Eventually, after 8 plus years of living together, we got married. Then we hit our mid 30's. We were running out of time...I convinced my wife we should get pregnant... She had her reservations... We got off the pill and 2 months later we were pregnant.

My wife had the hardest time being mom... It was a disaster... Major PPD...I knew our first child would be our only.

Many women have that deep feeling motherly type instinct...My wife never had that and she knew that. She did it for me...I love her for that. She is an amazing mom, usually putting our daughter before us...We have an amazing confident 10 year old...I wouldn't change anything. It was just a very rough ride.

At least you are being honest with yourself and others. Children are amazing and at the same time, the hardest, most challenging thing I have ever been through....I have made so many mistakes being Dad and so many things I wish I would have done differently.

Stay true to yourself Nayda
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  #29  
Old 03-04-2014, 06:41 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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My mother always wanted lots of kids because she was an only child (her parents miscarried twice before she was born and divorced when she was 4). She had 4 and now had 2 step children. Growing up, I wanted kids. I didn't have the perfect family, my mom and dad were prevented from getting married by my grandmother. My mom married my step dad and due to false accusations of abuse, I was placed in foster care while my mom was pregnant with my brother. By the time I moved back home, my brother and I had both experienced being only siblings and had a difficult time bonding as siblings. When our two younger siblings came along, there was even less time and attention. I was determined to only have 2 kids growing up, raised by both their biological parents after they were already married. My husband and I got married when we were 19 and 20 and while we had discussed having children, our plan was to wait until after he got out of the Army and I was done with school. We talked about traveling for a bit, settling down when we were 28 to start a family. Then I got pregnant on the pill (like my mother before me) a few months after we were married. We weren't ready, but for us at that point in time, abortion wasn't an option, and I can't give a baby up for adoption after living for 3 years as a pre-schooler in foster care. So we had the our son a few weeks before my 20th birthday. He was everything we could have hoped for, until he was 6 months old, then we discovered he had a health condition that took 2 surgeries and 5 years to correct. By then, we'd put off having another child out of fairness and neither of us wanted a huge age gap between children, so he became an only child. But at least, he'll carry on his family name (Runic Wolf was an only child and his father's brother was infertile, so there was alot of pressure for him to have at least one biological child).
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  #30  
Old 11-19-2014, 06:47 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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We have been faced with the fact that this issue about kids needs to be re-visited now. I have been diagnosed with a medical condition that might affect greatly my ability to have a child. I’ll see my doctor again after a couple of months and by then I should know what I want: the condition will be treated differently if I will try to get pregnant in the future vs. if I plan to remain child free.

I had this idea that I might just see how my feelings / thoughts / beliefs changed or did not change and then act accordingly in this matter. Now I won’t have the time, and need to actively make a decision. Not happy about this at all.

In the meantime our life has changed; my poly Vee has moved in together and now we live under one roof all three. This move was in the planning state a year ago, and was one of the reasons I did not want to add extra stress to all of it by getting pregnant. Now we live our dream, so to say, and in a way now would be a better time for having a child than a year ago.

So where do we all stand in this…

Mark would just love to have a baby in the house. He has been very consistent in this: he wants life around him, and would be happy to be the “extra adult” in the child’s life. He definitely does not want me to choose the treatment for my medical condition that would practically make it impossible for me to ever reproduce.

CJ is not sure. He is still in a shock over the diagnosis that I got and has not had time to process it. All he has told me is that he might still want to have a baby with me. I hope he keeps me updated about his thoughts and feelings over this matter.

And me? Well, don’t know. Of course, the medical condition itself is slightly worrying me, too, and the treatments that are to come. There are so many things to take into consideration, and I need to choose how to proceed with the treatments… ouch. That in itself would have been enough, but now I need to make a decision that might be the final one about this child issue.

My thoughts about life have changed slightly. Not much, but a bit. At the moment my thoughts about parenting have been around the practical matters and the life-long commitment to another human being, not so much those existential problems than last time. Still, no warm fuzzies about the thought of getting pregnant. Will need to thoroughly process this once again - probably for the last time. In the end it will be my decision and only mine.

Any comments / thoughts / advice anyone?
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